Shadowing Practice: Why We Go Cold On Our Partners - Learn English Speaking with Video
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The story of the path to coldness in love is well known.
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We start off full of affection for one another and then, with time, feelings fade.
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We start prioritising work.
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We check our phones while they're speaking.
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We don't especially want to hear how their day went.
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There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost.
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That people naturally get bored of one another in the same
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way as they get bored with everything else – the gadget that once seemed so amazing, the film they used to love.
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Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.
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But there's another explanation, darker at first, but in the end more hopeful.
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The loss of interest isn't either natural or inevitable.
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The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active.
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It exists because we feel hurt by,
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angry with or scared of our partner and because we haven't found a cathartic way to tell ourselves or them about it.
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Tuning out isn't inevitable, it's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress.
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It's a way of coping.
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We're internally numbed, not just a touch board.
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This can sound strange.
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After all, we might have no active sense that our partner has been hurting, angering or frightening us.
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The idea appears laughable or extreme.
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It makes our partner sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings, neither of which is true.
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But the self that loves within a relationship is not the normal adult self we know from other zones of our lives.
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We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.
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We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenseless version of ourselves that lives in our heads
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and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies,
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which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed.
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It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts, even if we're six foot two with a pointy beard.
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The loving self has a gossamer -thin ego.
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It gets hurt, frightened and upset with desperate ease.
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You could deeply distress it by interrupting it during a story it's telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch,
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by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on its arm yesterday, by preferring a book to cuddling,
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or being a bit tricky about what channel it should watch on TV.
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Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights.
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But we don't love by adult standards.
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These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to its tender emotional core.
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Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happened.
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It would carefully explain that it had been frustrated and hurt.
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Its voice would be measured, undefensive, and charming.
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But mostly, it just stays silent.
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That's forgivable.
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It doesn't properly understand what's wrong.
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It just knows it's in pain and is driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself, which translates into behavior that looks pretty cold.
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If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, it could sound and feel absurd, which is partly why it doesn't.
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There can be something especially humiliating in having to say, I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break,
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or I'm 45 years old but not capable of sharing a TV remote control.
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These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on,
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but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don't obey the ordinary adult rules.
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The consequence is that the loving self dries up.
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It doesn't want to have sex.
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It gets sarcastic and irritable.
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But it doesn't even know why it's like this.
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It isn't putting on an act.
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It's confused.
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To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness
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and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.
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We have to create a forum in which so -called minor love -sapping hurts can safely be aired,
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without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, the issues at stake as childish or imagined.
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The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous, if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life.
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But this is not the rest of life.
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When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners we might just need an opportunity to imagine
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that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them.
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And we should have access to a safe forum in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation.
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Thank you.
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Woordenschat en spreektips bij deze les
Deze spreekles is gebaseerd op de video “Why We Go Cold On Our Partners”. Deze woorden komen het vaakst terug: self, adult, hurt, loving, partner. Deze video bevat 28 zinnen en 792 woorden om na te spreken. Het gesproken deel duurt 4:56. De spreker praat in een natuurlijk tempo van ongeveer 161 woorden per minuut, dicht bij een alledaags gesprek. Slechts 80% van de woorden hoort bij de 3.000 meest gebruikte Engelse woorden, dus de woordenschat is pittig.
Belangrijke woorden in deze video
15 woorden uit de video die het leren waard zijn, met uitspraak en betekenis:
| Woord | Uitspraak | Betekenis |
|---|---|---|
| vulnerable bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈvʌln(ə)ɹəbl̩/ | kwetsbaar |
| distress zelfstandig naamwoord | /dɪˈstɹɛs/ | druk, stress |
| bore werkwoord | /boɹ/ | vervelen |
| explanation zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/ | verklaring, toelichting |
| ordinary bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈɔɹdɪnɛɹi/ | gewoon, alledaags |
| tender bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈtɛn.dɚ/ | gevoelig |
| inevitable bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ɪˈnɛvɪtəbəl/ | onvermijdelijk, onafwendbaar |
| consequence zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈkɑn.sɪ.kwəns/ | gevolg, consequentie |
| naturally bijwoord | /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/ | natuurlijk |
| complicated bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/ | ingewikkeld, gecompliceerd |
| confused bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /kənˈfjuːzd/ | verward, in de war |
| thin bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈθɪn/ | dun |
| carefully bijwoord | /ˈkɛɹf(ə)li/ | voorzichtig |
| ridiculous bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/ | belachelijk, lachwekkend |
| silent bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˈsaɪ̯lənt/ | stil |
Phrasal verbs die je zult horen
| Woord | Betekenis |
|---|---|
| dry up werkwoord | opdrogen |
| point out werkwoord | aanwijzen, aanduiden |
Grammatica in deze video
De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:
| Structuur | In de video |
|---|---|
| Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet | were formed · had been frustrated · would be measured |
| Present perfect have/has + voltooid deelwoord — iets uit het verleden dat nu nog telt | haven't found · we've gone |
| Betrekkelijke bijzinnen who / which + zin — extra informatie over een persoon of ding | person who loves · absurd, which is |
Uitspraak om op te letten
De spreker gebruikt 18 samentrekkingen en verkorte vormen, zoals doesn't, don't, isn't. Spreek ze kort uit, zoals je ze hoort.
- De “th”-klanken: thin /ˈθɪn/, withdraw /wɪðˈdɹɔ/
- De klanken “sh” en “zh”: explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, affection /əˈfɛk.ʃən/, childish /ˈt͡ʃaɪldɪʃ/, humiliation /hjuːˌmɪliˈeɪʃən/
- Lange woorden — let op de klemtoon: explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, ordinary /ˈɔɹdɪnɛɹi/, inevitable /ɪˈnɛvɪtəbəl/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, complicated /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/
Klanken die Nederlandstaligen lastig vinden:
- Stemhebbende eindmedeklinker — /b/, /d/, /g/, /z/, /v/ niet verscherpen: complicated /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/, confused /kənˈfjuːzd/, ease /iz/, sandwich /ˈsæn(d).wɪd͡ʒ/, beard /bɪɹd/
- /æ/ — opener dan de Nederlandse “e”: naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, dynamic /daɪˈnæm.ɪk/, arrow /ˈæɹəʊ/, sandwich /ˈsæn(d).wɪd͡ʒ/, translate /tɹænzˈleɪt/
- /g/ — een harde plofklank, geen Nederlandse “g”: forgiveness /fɚˈɡɪvnəs/, disengagement /ˌdɪs.ɪŋˈɡeɪd͡ʒ.mənt/, gadget /ɡæd͡ʒ.ɪt/, gossamer /ˈɡɑ.sə.mɚ/, weakling /ˈwiːkˈlɪŋɡ/
Zo oefen je met deze video
- Luister de hele video één keer zonder te spreken en noteer de woorden die je niet kent.
- Begin op 0,75× snelheid, spreek zin voor zin na en ga terug naar normale snelheid zodra het makkelijk gaat.
- Neem jezelf op en vergelijk met het origineel; let daarbij op woorden als vulnerable, distress, bore.
Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?
Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.