Shadowing Practice: Quick Thinks: Network Smarter and Make Better Connections - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Your body can strengthen your message just as much as your words can.
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My name's Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business.
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Welcome to this Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.
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My conversation with Vanessa Van Edwards was packed with practical advice for becoming a more confident and engaging communicator.
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She shared so many useful tips that we couldn't fit them all to one episode.
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So here come more practical, tactical techniques to help you and your body language reinforce your message.
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The point you made that we remember things better when we see congruent gestures with what's said, and that can be really helpful.
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You have some advice and guidance that's very specific about positioning of hands, palm open, palm down.
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Can you share a little bit?
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Now, some of our folks are listening, so we're going to have to describe this.
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Those watching can see it.
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Let's go back to our biology.
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I always like to look at why do body language cues translate?
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How does it work across cultures?
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How does it work across gender?
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If we think about, we're about to meet a stranger caveman, like back in our caveman days, right?
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And we're about to meet a stranger caveman and they're approaching us.
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And our brain is very quickly trying to decide, friend or foe, friend or foe.
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The very first place we want to look before eyes, I ask people, where do you look in a first impression?
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People always say eye contact or smile.
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Well, actually, the first place we want to look is someone's hands because you want to see what is their intention.
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Are they waving hello with a nice open palm?
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Do they have nothing to hide?
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There's a reason why we like that open palm is because it literally signals to our brain, ah, this person is safe.
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They are not hiding anything from us.
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And their intention is positive.
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Their attention upon upon approach is a greeting.
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So one of my favorite gestures, ways to hold your hand is open palm, having your palms visible as possible, especially in a first impression.
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The moment you hop on a call, the moment you walk into a room, whenever I'm working with speakers, the moment you hop on stage, the best gift you can give to your audience is a,
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hello, happy to be here morning.
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Even non-verbally having a hand wave before you even take the mic or take the stage, that is signaling to someone, I am literally open to you.
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My intention is to build rapport with you, is to literally reach out.
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And whether or not you're in a handshaking culture or not, we like to feel like we could be palm to palm, right?
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We like to feel like that.
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So open palm is one of my favorite gestures.
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I'd like to talk about networking.
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In your book, Captivate, you dissect the anatomy of a networking event.
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Can you talk us through a few best practices to maximize our effectiveness in networking.
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And I'd love advice on how to show up, what to say, where to stand, just all the specifics.
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As a recovering awkward person, networking events caused me great terror.
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So as a researcher, what I did was I'm just going to study networking events until I've mastered them, right?
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Like that's the best way.
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And luckily we came, we were able to discover some very interesting patterns.
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So the biggest question I had was in a networking event, what do I do?
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Like, where do I go?
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And I noticed anecdotally myself that when I was having different conversations, they had a different feeling based on where I was in the room.
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So we did a big speed networking experiment.
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It was actually across three different events in three different rooms, studying foot patterns, where people went, and then also the quality of conversation they were having.
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And I sort of like a football coach identified that there are three different zones in a networking event.
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And this also goes for a party, a conference, a trade show, all similar have these.
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The first biggest worst place to stand is the start zone.
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And this is the mistake that very anxious people like me make, which is we've walked in and we are alone.
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Like we feel like we don't have someone with us and our anxiety is the highest.
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So we're like anyone, anyone, anyone.
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And we will make conversation with the first person we see.
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The problem is in the start zone, people have things they need to do.
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They got to go say hi to the host.
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They want to go to the bathroom.
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They got to get a drink.
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They want to take their shoes off.
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They want to go get food.
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And so every conversation in that zone is going to be like this.
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what brings you here?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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The host.
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Yeah.
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She's great.
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Well, yeah.
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We should go say hi.
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Yeah.
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Great.
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Talk to you later.
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You've just diagnosed many of my initial conversations.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And so it sets up needless friction, right?
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Like needless difficulty.
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So do not get out of that start zone as quickly as you possibly can.
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So no one engages you and you don't engage anyone else, right?
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Like you're going to get out of that start zone, anywhere in the start zone.
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And that's where people drop coats or drop shoes or check in.
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Not there.
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You don't want to stand near the food.
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I know.
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I know.
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It's so great to be near a buffet.
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I know.
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Near the food and near the bathroom, you're getting people whose brain is half on the food and the bathroom.
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So the best place to stand is right as people exit the bar or exit wherever they're getting their drink, not on the way, because again, then they're thinking about the drink.
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This thing happens, and you can literally see it on people's faces.
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I highly recommend if you're an observer like me, go to these events.
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When someone has their drink, their fresh drink in hand, water, coffee, tea, wine, whatever, and they turn and face the room, their face is like, I'm ready.
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I'm ready.
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I'm ready.
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And you're a social savior.
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If you're standing right there and you go, oh, that wine looks great.
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What is it?
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A Cabernet tonight?
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Or, oh my gosh.
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So nice to see you.
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I'm Vanessa.
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What brings you here?
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It's like you are a social savior.
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So stand right there.
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And the second tip I love to get for networking is don't overthink your opener, but don't go sterile.
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I much prefer slightly elevated.
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One, asking about a drink or food.
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That's easy.
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Do you like it?
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How is that doing?
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But two, working on anything exciting these days?
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Have any big wins this week?
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What's the highlight of your week?
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Oh, isn't this venue so great?
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Those are more sparking questions.
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And when we do away with the sterile questions, it really helps engage, people engage.
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Where you stand and being a social savior, helping others make it easy for them to have a communication
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and then asking open questions that spark conversation that aren't trite and banal can be really helpful.
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I'm going to the next social event I'm at.
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I'm going to really pay attention to where people stand.
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I'm a greeter.
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I'm in the start zone.
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That's where I will typically stand because I learned a long time ago,
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the food in the bathroom get me in trouble because people are definitely heading in a direction and not wanting to talk.
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You highlighted a little bit about this, but many of us struggle with small talk, in large part because we don't know how to start these conversations.
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What are some of those sparking lines or observations we can make to really help us?
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Okay, so I've just started thinking about this concept, and I'm going to share it with you for the first time,
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which is we are now competing in conversation with someone's feed, right?
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Like at any moment we're in conversation, someone is going to whip out their phone and start scrolling on their preferred social network.
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So really your conversation is competing with that.
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What if we begin to think about conversation as a better feed?
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So what does a feed give?
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A feed gives us dopamine, which does a lot of things in our body, but give us a little bit of excitement, a little bit of motivation.
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So that's anything exciting, any highlights, anything exciting happening.
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Oh, you're never going to believe what just happened to me.
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Right?
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So you're sharing or asking.
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It's not just asking always.
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Sometimes it's actually sharing.
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Second, surprise and delight, right?
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So surprise is a big one.
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I have been, a feed doesn't have a first impression, right?
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You open up your feed and it starts.
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I think a mistake that we have in our brain is
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that we have to have this slow opener before we get into it.
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I think we do away with that.
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You can literally meet someone and be like, you know, they say, how are you?
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Right.
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They're in, they're in such a autopilot.
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Oh my gosh.
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You know, it's been such a great week.
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The most surprising thing happened to me today.
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You're not going to believe.
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Just going right into it and using what I call conversational confetti, like phrases that are a little bit speedy,
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a little bit like the feed, right?
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Like the most surprising thing happened to me.
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The weirdest thing happened to me yesterday.
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I saw the craziest thing.
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You're never going to believe.
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And starting to collect these stories in these moments also makes you more interesting
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because you're looking for things that you could share in that event or that party or that start of the meeting.
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A lot of these, I think, happen the first five minutes of a meeting.
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Most of our students are leading meetings, they're working rooms, and those first five minutes are the hardest.
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Just dive right into something you've been saving for them
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and then spend all week curating and saving those little highlight things that you would put in your conversational feed.
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That's how we have to think about it.
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I have a colleague who's internationally known for her work on conflict
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and negotiation or name's Michelle Gelfand and she likes to talk about mind your metaphors.
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The way you approach something, the metaphors and analogies we use shape how we interact.
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And I love this idea of small talk is like being part of somebody's feed.
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And when you see it that way, it changes the way you approach.
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Anybody who knows me knows I love alliteration, conversational confetti, love it.
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You can stockpile some of these ideas, think about it, go in, and it jumps right in.
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It initiates and catalyzes that communication.
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So I do like that idea a lot and I will be stockpiling some things to help me in my small talk.
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And when we see small talk as a spark, as something that can really excite people, it totally changes that metaphor from, oh, this is something I dread,
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this is hard, this is a battle I have to fight.
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I'm hoping you can help me, Vanessa.
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I am often asked about charisma and it's one of these things where you know it when you see it, but I see it it can be really hard.
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From your perspective, what is charisma and how does one manifest and display it?
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Charisma is one of those very interesting traits that we can immediately think of the most charismatic person we know, but when we have to try to define it, it's really challenging.
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When we think about charisma, I like to reference Dr. Susan Fisk's research,
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which looks at warmth and competence.
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Now, she wasn't coming at it from a charisma perspective.
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The name of her research is a stereotype content model.
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She was thinking, how do humans make impressions of others?
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But what she found is that most of our impressions are first, warmth.
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Can I trust you?
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Can I be open to you?
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Do I like you?
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And then second, almost immediately, is competence.
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Can I rely on you?
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Are you capable?
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Are you effective?
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Highly charismatic people, and I've spent the last 20 years studying those people, what they are doing is very quickly signaling warmth and competence.
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In fact, the faster you can signal warmth and competence, the more charismatic you are.
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When you think about this, it also takes the pressure off of you.
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You don't have to be funny or impressive or extroverted.
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Actually, those things have very little to do with charisma.
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What's more important is very very clearly signaling you can trust me and very clearly signaling you can rely on me.
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Warmth and competence are the very first topics that we cover in my strategic communication class at Stanford's Business School.
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It's so important.
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And the research suggests both are critical, and leading with warmth can often be the most helpful.
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Can you share with us some cues and clues that we can communicate that demonstrate warmth and competence?
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Now, this is a little more art than science, right?
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So when I read this research, I was immediately hooked and fascinated.
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I was like, yes, warmth and competence. But how?
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I love it.
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But what does warmth look like?
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What does warmth sound like?
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What does competence look like to sound like?
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Although competence is a little bit easier because we know if we know our stuff that can come across competence, but you're right.
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Warmth is, I think, the trickier one.
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So I went into the research of, okay, what signals openness, likability, friendliness?
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What makes someone feel trust.
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So here are my opinions of very highly warm cues based on highly charismatic people and the research.
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First, visible palm, eye contact,
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and positive, affirmative, nonverbal, and verbal.
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So for example, if I were to come on this podcast and say, yeah, I'm so happy to be here.
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having positive tone, having positive words and aligning those two, having that visible palm, having eye contact, a smile, if it feels authentic,
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I'm very careful to not prescribe smiling because if it's inauthentic, it actually does the opposite.
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It really takes away from your work.
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So if you are actually happy to see someone, harness the happiness.
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What do we do when we like someone?
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We go closer towards them.
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We have closer proxemics.
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We go in towards them.
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We open up our palms.
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Oh my gosh, it's so good to see you.
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We either reach out for a handshake or a hug or a cheek kiss.
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We immediately raise our eyebrows up to take in more of them.
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We smile if we're happy.
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We might even lean in or nod more.
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All of those things that we do when we are happy are the things
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that we need to harness to bring forth that warmth.
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And a good internal check is if you're working with someone where you don't feel that warmth, it is very hard to fake it.
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it does not work.
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So you have to find something that you feel genuinely warm about.
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Maybe it's a shared goal.
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Maybe it's a shared personal thing that you share outside of work.
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Find the way to build a rapport and then bring forth that instinctive warmth that we already do naturally.
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In the academic world, we call this immediacy.
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And I like that term because immediacy implies I'm immediately present.
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I'm there for you.
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And it can also imply urgency.
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And having that can help a little bit.
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But the notion that we have to think about and explore things
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that we do have some warmth and connection with the person can really help us focus in those moments.
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And we can all be thinking about our warmth and competence that we demonstrate.
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Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.
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It was great learning from Vanessa.
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The one idea that really stood out to me is that reducing friction and communication isn't just about choosing the right words.
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It's also about intentionally using your nonverbal communication.
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To learn more from Vanessa, listen to episode 301.
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You can also check out our back catalog, which is full of helpful communication tips and tools to help you be a better communicator.
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This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.
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Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with special thanks to Podium Podcast Company.
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Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts.
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Be sure to check out FasterSmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This video has 260 sentences and 2842 words to shadow. The speech runs for 15:03. The speaker talks fast, about 189 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 83% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 less common words from the video, with pronunciation and meaning:
- warmth /wɔɹmθ/ (noun) — A moderate degree of heat; the sensation of being warm.
- palm /pɑm/ (noun) — The inner and somewhat concave part of the human hand or other primate hand that extends from the wrist to the bases of the fingers.
- competence /ˈkɑm.pə.təns/ (noun) — The quality or state of being competent, i.e. able or suitable for a general role.
- engage /ɪnˈɡeɪd͡ʒ/ (verb) — To engross or hold the attention of; to keep busy or occupied.
- impression /ɪmˈpɹɛʃn̩/ (noun) — The indentation or depression made by the pressure of one object on or into another.
- podcast /ˈpɑdˌkæst/ (noun) — A program, especially an audio program, produced on a regular basis, delivered over the Internet in a compressed digital format and designed for playback on…
- helpful /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/ (adjective) — Furnishing help; giving aid; useful.
- highlight /ˈhaɪˌlaɪt/ (verb) — To make prominent; emphasize.
- spark /ˈspɑɹk/ (noun) — A small particle of glowing matter, either molten or on fire, resulting from an electrical surge or excessive heat created by friction.
- visible /ˈvɪzɪb(ə)l/ (adjective) — Able to be seen.
- intention /ɪnˈtɛnʃn̩/ (noun) — A course of action that a person intends to follow.
- gesture /ˈd͡ʒɛs.t͡ʃɚ/ (noun) — A motion of the limbs or body, especially one made to emphasize speech.
- gosh /ɡɑːʃ/ — A mild expression of surprise or enthusiasm.
- cue /kju/ (noun) — An action or event that is a signal for somebody to do something.
- metaphor /ˈmɛt.ə.fɚ/ (noun) — The use of a word, phrase, concept, or set of concepts to refer to something other than its literal meaning, invoking an implicit similarity between the thing…
Phrasal verbs you will hear
- think about /ˈθɪŋk əˌbaʊt/ (verb) — To ponder.
- check out (verb) — To record the departure or withdrawal of someone or something (such as guests, employees, books, etc.).
- do away with (verb) — To abolish; to put an end to; to eliminate.
- get out of (verb) — To leave, exit or escape from; to become free of.
- go in (verb) — To become obscured by clouds.
- look at (verb) — To observe or watch.
- open up (verb) — To open.
- rely on (verb) — To be confident in.
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 64 contractions and reduced forms, such as I'm, you're, don't. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: warmth /wɔɹmθ/, authentic /ɔˈθɛn.tɪk/, strengthen /ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/, inauthentic /ˌɪnɔˈθɛn.tɪk/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: impression /ɪmˈpɹɛʃn̩/, intention /ɪnˈtɛnʃn̩/, gosh /ɡɑːʃ/, shoe /ˈʃu/, friction /ˈfɹɪkʃən/
- Long words — get the stress right: naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, experiment /ɪkˈspɛɹ.ə.mənt/, difficulty /ˈdɪfɪkəlti/, biology /baɪˈɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like warmth, palm, competence.
דקדוק בסרטון הזה
המבנים שהדובר משתמש בהם הכי הרבה, עם המילים המדויקות מהסרטון:
| מבנה | בסרטון |
|---|---|
| הווה מושלם (Present perfect) have/has + past participle — פעולה שקרתה בעבר ועדיין יש לה חשיבות או השפעה עכשיו | I've mastered · we've walked · You've just diagnosed |
| משפטי זיקה (Relative clauses) who / which + clause — מידע נוסף על אדם או דבר | make, which is · Anybody who knows · catalog, which is |
מהי טכניקת השאדואינג?
שאדואינג היא טכניקת למידת שפה מבוססת מדע שפותחה במקור להכשרת מתורגמנים מקצועיים ופופולרית על ידי הפוליגלוט ד"ר אלכסנדר ארגואלס. השיטה פשוטה אך עוצמתית: אתה מקשיב לאודיו באנגלית ילידית וחוזר עליו בקול רם מיד — כמו צל העוקב אחרי הדובר עם עיכוב של 1–2 שניות בלבד. בניגוד להאזנה פסיבית או תרגילי דקדוק, שאדואינג מכריח את המוח והשרירים בפה לעבד ולשחזר דפוסי דיבור אמיתיים בו זמנית. מחקרים מראים שזה משפר משמעותית את דיוק ההגייה, האינטונציה, הקצב, הדיבור המחובר, הבנת השמיעה ושטף הדיבור — מה שהופך אותו לאחת השיטות היעילות ביותר להכנה לIELTS Speaking ולתקשורת באנגלית בעולם האמיתי.