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A dinner that I eat frequently is pasta with tomato sauce, some veggies, and some sort of cheesy topping,

either like Parmesan cheese or nutritional yeast, which is like a vegan, cheesy, weird alternative.

In the last two nights that I've eaten it, about 10 minutes post -consumption of the meal,

I've developed a really bizarre rash on my elbows, knees, and ears,

okay? itchy red patches on my elbows and knees in hot burning red ears.

What is that?

I googled it.

I didn't I didn't figure anything out.

I don't really know what's going on.

But if you're wondering why my aura is off, if my aura even is off, I can't tell if it's off.

It's really hard to read your own aura.

You can do it.

It's possible.

But it's kind of hard.

If my aura seems off to you, it's because I'm having an active allergic reaction right now.

I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

Like, is it the tomato sauce?

Am I allergic to tomatoes?

Well, that will suck because I love tomato based things.

I love ketchup.

Does this mean I can't eat ketchup anymore?

I love dipping a fry in ketchup.

Even more sad.

This is one of my go to dinners.

I love this dinner.

I love a big bowl of pasta with red sauce with tomato sauce.

I love that.

Am I allergic to broccoli? that's my favorite vegetable.

And that's what was in the pasta the last two nights.

I had broccoli in there.

I'm bummed right now.

So if my aura's off, it's because my body is a mystery to me right now.

It is a mystery.

And I will get to the bottom of it.

And I may keep you posted.

But either way, I'm giving an aura disclaimer.

If the aura's off, that's why.

The aura also might be off because of the topic of this episode.

Although I will say, I feel like the phase of life that I'm in right now isn't necessarily destroying my aura.

Like, I don't feel like my aura completely sucks.

However, I'm definitely in a stage of limbo in my life right now in a way that's undeniably deeply uncomfortable for me.

And I don't think it's putting me into a bad place that's like emanating bad vibes out of me,

but I'm definitely a little bit uncomfortable and that's what I'm going to be talking about today.

The phase of life that I'm in.

And to be honest, I didn't write an outline for this episode.

And I'm normally very type A in particular about writing outlines for every single podcast episode to ensure

that there's a flow and it's easy to follow.

But I didn't do that today.

And that freaks me out.

But that also kind of goes hand in hand with what I'm going through in my life right now,

which is what I would call a growth stage.

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Now back to the episode.

I feel like I'm growing right now, okay?

In a way that makes me very uncomfortable, because growing is uncomfortable.

But see, the thing is, it's one thing to grow on like a micro scale, like in one area of your life.

It's another thing to be growing on a broader scale, like in multiple areas of life at once.

And right now I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm 360 growing.

I'm growing in every single category of my life.

I don't feel solid necessarily in any area of my life.

And it's definitely very chaotic and uncomfortable.

But I also know that it's awesome and it's crucial.

And I think the purpose of today's episode is not to

necessarily share with you my solution on how to handle an uncomfortable growth phase that sort of feels like a limbo,

but rather just share what I'm going through because that's kind of all I know how to talk about right now.

You know, it's hard to talk about anything else when you're in a phase like that.

And it's fascinating because it genuinely applies to every single category in my life.

Okay, let's break down the categories of life.

There's mental health, mental well -being.

Okay, that's one area.

There's career and job.

There's social life, interacting with other people.

There's purpose, like your goals and your purpose in life, morals, values, goals, purposes, you know, that category.

What else?

I feel like that's it.

Oh, there's also love, romance, potentially, for some of us.

I would say I'd break my life down into those five categories.

I mean, there's probably more, but I just can't think of them right now.

And I will say I'm in an uncomfortable growth period in every single one.

Let's walk through it.

Starting with my mental health and well -being, okay?

If you're familiar with me, you know, my mental health challenges consist of anxiety,

OCD, perfectionism, control freakism, imposter syndrome.

I can get depressed.

I'm not really depressed right now.

Whoa, loving that, loving that, loving that that one's not rearing its ugly head right now.

But that does happen sometimes.

It's been a while though.

That's sort of who I am, right?

And I think I'm at a point right now where I've sort of enabled those brain neuropathways for

so long and I've not really addressed the root of those issues.

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Like I've just kind of put a lot of band -aids on those challenges.

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You know, like for example, if I'm super anxious because one of my parents didn't answer the phone

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and I start spiraling and spiraling and spiraling and spiraling about, you know, what if something happened to them?

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Okay.

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What has been the solution to that up until this point?

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It's been, let me get a hold of them.

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Okay.

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And then once I get a hold of them, I can let go of that anxiety.

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But see, that's not really getting to the root of the problem.

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That's just a bandaid.

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Getting a hold of them and proving to myself that my anxiety was false,

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you know, that is not necessarily a full -on solution because that doesn't help me develop any tools moving forward.

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I've kind of been band -aid methoding.

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And something that I'm particularly struggling with right now mentally is,

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ironically, I have some things going on in my life that are really good.

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Like, I've been blessed with a few blessings in my life as of recent in a way

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that has been very profound for me in a way that I am unbelievably grateful for, okay?

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And instead of just being grateful and stoked about the blessings in my life,

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if you will, I've found myself actually kind of unable to process that I can receive such blessings.

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And instead of enjoying these things, I'm more anxious and paranoid and freaked out than ever.

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And I've tried, you know, all the things that I know how to do, right?

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Mindfulness, even weird little things like imagining a stop sign in my head when I start spiraling about how well things are going,

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perhaps getting myself back on track in that way, slowing down, you know, blah, blah, blah.

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I've tried all the things that usually work, and they're not working this time.

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I'm finding that I'm convincing myself that I don't deserve these things, and that because I've received certain blessings,

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that now means that I'm going to be cursed.

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And that's definitely an OCD brain thing, right?

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And it's bad.

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It's really bad, and it's really uncomfortable, and it's really ruining.

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It's not ruining, actually.

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Let's be gentle here.

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It's not ruining, but it's making it very hard for me to enjoy the moment when I know,

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and this is advice I've given on this podcast,

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I know how important it is to enjoy the moment and to not worry about certain good things being taken away.

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Listen, when Benson Boone said, please stay, I want you, wait, what did he say?

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He's like, these beautiful things that I've got

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that's like me right now that's literally me right now being like don't take it away okay

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and i think that's somewhat normal right to be

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so grateful for you know certain things in life

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that come into your life

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that then you sort of spiral about how you could it up

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or ruin it but see for me my brain takes it a step further

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and instead of just being like oh all of these beautiful things

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that you know have have entered my life i'm not even worried about those things getting ruined,

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I'm like worried about somehow it's triggered my brain to then be anxious about just catastrophe in general in my life.

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Like I'm, things feel really nice right now in a way.

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And it's making me afraid of like major catastrophe unrelated to actually the blessings in my life, if that makes sense.

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I've been really grappling with this and I'll be honest, I do not have the solution.

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And I've even been thinking like, is this something that I need?

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help with, like a little more help, you know, like, is it time to talk to a professional?

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And I'm wondering that.

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And it probably is.

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But see, the thing is, I'll always give that advice to other people.

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But when it's myself, I'm, you know, much quicker to say, no, no, no, I got this handled.

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And by the way, that's sometimes true.

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Maybe I do.

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But I think I'm having a moment of growth with my mental health maintenance,

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where I'm like, ooh, I'm starting to wonder if I need a little more help with this.

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And I don't know if that is the answer or not yet necessarily,

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or if I'm going to have some sort of epiphany or I'm going to develop some sort of coping mechanism that's, or not even coping mechanism,

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but some skill that helps me with this on my own.

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That's also possible, you know,

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but I am realizing that the way that I've been managing my mental health challenges is maybe not working anymore.

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Like it's almost like the monster inside of my brain has grown.

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Now I need a bigger sword.

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And I'm not sure how I'm going to, where I'm going to get that sword.

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Okay.

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I'm not really sure what that sword looks like.

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Is it super long?

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Does it have a super dramatic handle?

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Is it more short and minimalist in its style, you know, like I don't really know right now, but I'm on the precipice.

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Like I I'm, I'm on the precipice of like, something's got to change.

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You know what I'm saying?

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I can't live like this I'm realizing.

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And I think admitting that is necessary in growing through it.

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But I think the problem is I don't really know what to do.

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Only time will tell, you know, And I'm kind of going to let myself discover the solution with time.

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But it's just an uncomfortable period right now where I'm like, ooh, this is a big problem.

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And it's gotten a bit worse.

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And I think it getting a bit worse made me realize, okay, I need to figure out how I'm going to slay this demon.

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And I need to find my weapon.

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And I don't know what my weapon is.

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But I will say I'm really working hard right

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now as I'm in this limbo in this particular area in

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my life to put myself in uncomfortable positions to encourage more growth.

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Okay, for example, I'm about to leave for a trip.

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And I'm actually very excited about this trip.

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You know, it's a work trip, but it's gonna be really fun.

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And on this particular trip, I'm not going with any of my safety blankets.

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Okay, I'm not taking my parents.

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I'm not taking any of my close friends.

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I'm going pretty much completely alone.

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And there will be people in my travels that I know and love and am very close to,

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but like, I'm not going on this trip with anyone, right?

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Like, there's no one staying down the hall.

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And on this particular trip, I'm stopping in a few places.

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And there's no one who's going to be like a consistent person there with me through my travels.

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And that's been really anxiety inducing for me, not because I'm worried about being alone.

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I'm okay with that right now.

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I've done some work on that because I became very dependent on traveling with others for a little while there.

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And it kind of caused anxiety for me.

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Then I became really anxious about traveling alone because it became really unfamiliar.

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And then I encouraged myself to travel alone a few times

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and I got over that fear and it was very successful and I'm feeling much more comfortable traveling alone.

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However, on this particular trip that I'm leaving for, I'm struggling with anxiety about,

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okay, I feel like I'm going to go on this trip and while I'm gone,

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something bad's going to happen and I'm going to be really far away from home.

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And because I am going to be particularly far away from home, I'm going to Europe.

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I mean, that always feels kind of jarring to me because it is so far away.

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You know, it's a 10 hour flight from California where my whole family is

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and whatever and where most of my loved ones are and for whatever reason, I'm feeling really uncomfortable with that.

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And I've even considered canceling the trip, honestly.

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I was like, I don't even know if I want to do this, you know?

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But there's opportunities, work opportunities that I'm stoked about that I will get to do on this trip.

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But then my brain is like, well, you being stoked about this trip means that something bad's going to happen.

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What if something bad happens while you're gone?

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My brain is having a hard time just enjoying the moment right now in a way that I think is particularly bad.

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And so I'm curious to see what happens because I'm not canceling the trip.

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I'm going to go.

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And I think what I'm trying to remember is that it doesn't matter if I'm on this trip or not.

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Bad things can happen at any time.

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Bad things also might not happen at any time.

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Like it doesn't, I think my brain likes to conflate like, oh, if good things are happening in your life, then that means balance must.

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ensue.

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And that means bad things must happen too.

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And that's just not real.

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That's literally just my anxiety and my OCD fucking with me.

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It's not real.

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And I know that this trip is going to be psychologically challenging for me, which sounds ridiculous to say,

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because it's like, wow, I'm about to go have a very wonderful time and a very productive time.

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But instead, my brain is choosing to catastrophize.

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And as much as I want to just cancel it

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and stay home and be close to everybody and not go do that, I'm going to go do that.

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And I think this trip will really help inform me in what my next move is.

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You know, if I have some sort of epiphany or real growth moment,

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then okay, you know, that might be a sign that I'm developing the skills I need to handle it on my own.

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And if not, then maybe it's time to involve perhaps a professional who can help me with my brain

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because I'm not playing around anymore.

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It's gotten to that point now and we'll see what ends up happening.

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So that's where I'm at with my mental health and well -being.

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Now let's discuss where I'm at in my career, okay?

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I am in a really uncomfortable growth period in my career

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where it is not clear to me where I want to go next.

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And I know that there's something, you know what I mean?

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I feel it in my bones.

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I'm like, there's something coming next, perhaps, but I don't know what it is exactly.

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But I know that it's not anything that I've done before.

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And I know that because I watch my YouTube videos, for example.

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I can't even try to listen to my podcast episodes.

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I do not listen to them.

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I can't.

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But like I watch my YouTube videos,

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for example, and I cringe even at like the last video I made a month and a half ago or whatever, two months ago.

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Even that video I cringe at and I just made that.

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I know like I'm cringing at everything I've ever done right now, which is a totally normal part of growth,

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especially in a more creative career you're gonna cringe at stuff when you've outgrown it.

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And I feel like I've outgrown a lot of what I've done thus far in my career.

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And I feel like

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Emma as a 24, almost 25 year old is ready for the next chapter.

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But unfortunately for me, I don't know what that is yet.

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I really don't know.

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And I've been trying to figure it out for a few months

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but it's not coming to me as quickly as I wish it would.

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and the most painful part about that is I'm forced to look back at what I've done before

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and I'm not satisfied with it.

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It makes me uncomfortable because I've grown past it.

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But then I don't quite know yet what my next form of say expression is.

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I don't really know what it is.

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I know I'm kind of taught.

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It sounds like I'm speaking in code.

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It's so vague, but it's also vague to me.

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I don't even know what I want to do.

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Like, listen, I have some ideas

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It's kind of percolating in my head, but nothing is solid enough for me to take action.

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And it's driving me nuts a little bit, especially as somebody who's super type A, kind of a victim to hustle culture,

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like struggles with attaching my self -worth to my work ethic.

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That's something I work on.

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And it's very important to me because that's an unhealthy thing to do.

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I'm somebody who's prone to that, right?

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I have a tendency to fall into that.

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And I'm struggling because I don't feel like I'm making anything right now.

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And it's because I don't have any ideas that really feel right.

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And that's so normal, right?

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Especially, again, in this particular career path that's more creative, it's less of a schedule.

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It's very odd.

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You know, it's a very odd layout.

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And I'm aware of that.

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But I'm struggling because I'm not very productive.

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I don't feel very productive right now, in a way like I want to make something

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so bad like I want to make something you know and

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when I say I want to make something I think for me ultimately

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that is entertainment of some sort right I guess

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some could say that I'm on the internet making entertainment really I guess

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if you were to boil it down I mean I think

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there's a little bit more to it I think I kind of teeter between entertainment

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and weirdly like connection and conversation and vulnerability and whatever it's like which isn't necessarily inherently entertaining always,

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but it does serve some sort of purpose in that way.

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I want to make something, I want to, I have this, I'm burning up, I'm burning on the inside, like it's burning a hole into me,

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but I don't know what it is yet.

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Like, I feel like, yeah, it's driving me nuts.

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And I feel immense guilt as well too.

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Like, I think especially on YouTube in particular, like I wanna make YouTube videos so bad.

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And I know to some people, this might sound so fucking stupid.

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It's like, yeah, then make one, idiot, idiot, make one.

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Literally make one.

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Like what?

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What are you talking about?

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I know, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel the most proud of what I'm doing when it's like coming from the right place.

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And I'm not just making something to make it, but I'm making something and there's some sort of purpose in it for me.

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And yeah, I'm just not really clear on it all right now.

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And I don't really know what my next chapter is.

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And it's been really hard on my self -esteem, honestly, because as I mentioned,

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you know, I'm a perfectionist and I attach my sense of self to my productivity at times,

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there's been somewhat of an ego death in all of this.

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And again, from the outside looking in, it might not be clear, but I've spent so many days at home,

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staring at the ceiling, thinking, getting nothing done.

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And that's a part of this career path.

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You know what I mean?

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That is a part of it.

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If your job is creative, that is inevitable.

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You're not going to be able to get stuff done all the time.

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And I know that, but I will say that this particular phase

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that I'm going through right now has been the longest I think I've ever experienced where I'm just kind of empty.

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And I think the other thing is too, is that I know the truth, which is that when in a phase like this,

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it's very important to live life because like not to completely isolate myself and just stare at the ceiling 24 seven, right?

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Okay.

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Maybe like eight, five, no, maybe eight, four, eight hours a day, four days a week, maybe 24 seven, not good, right?

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As a creative person, you have to live your life in order to find inspiration for things.

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That's where you find inspiration for things.

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And that's where you get ideas.

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And I struggle with that at times.

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And especially recently, you know, I've really had to force myself to continue to live my life

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and not just lock myself away until I come up with the ideas I want to come up with.

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But I know the truth, which is that I need to go out and live my life in order to come up with those ideas.

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So it's safe to say it's a clusterfuck in my brain right now about that.

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And listen, again, it's not even like a bad thing.

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Like I'm not completely spiraling into oblivion about it, but it's definitely very uncomfortable to feel sort of aimless,

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to feel like I don't know what my next move is, to feel like I'm not satisfied with anything I've ever made before

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and again it's all a normal part of it

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but like an ego death comes from that an ego death comes from

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that in a way you know I'm forced to sort of really check in right now and make sure that

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my sense of self is not just coming from my productivity

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and my career because I don't feel like I have it all sorted right now you know

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and I will say too it's interesting

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because again like on the surface it might not seem like

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that because there's a lot of things going on career -wise for me that are like years in the making,

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things that I've been working on for years that are just coming out now, which is very exciting.

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But at the same time, like I'm thinking about what I want to work on next.

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And I think that's what I'm struggling with, right?

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Having things come out now that I've been working on for years or whatever, that's awesome.

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But unfortunately, my brain is like, okay, but you got to figure out what you're doing next and that's where I'm sort of confused.

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And I think I know the answer to this and it's that I can't force it.

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I can't force it.

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I can't force it out of me.

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I need to be more patient with myself

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and I can't expect the answers to come to me when I'm trying to force them to come to me.

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And that's just the particular dynamic.

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That's just the dynamic that comes with any sort of creative job.

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There are gonna be times where you're completely brain empty and that's where I'm at.

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I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo.

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Now back to the episode.

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Next.

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my social life i actually will say

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when i think about my social life

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i feel like my social life is actually quite good maybe

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that's one of the only areas right now where i don't feel uncomfortable

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i feel pretty good i have great friends i'm making new friends lately

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that i'm like loving i'm in a really good spot socially

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i will say the only thing that's maybe making me a little bit uncomfortable right now.

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There is a little bit of growth going on in this category.

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It's just not as obvious as the other categories of my life.

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I will say one thing

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that I struggle with is I have a really hard time with not wanting to hang out with people.

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Let me explain.

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Sometimes you meet people and you just get a vibe and immediately you're like, this is somebody I just click with.

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You know, this is just, for whatever reason, on a cosmic level, somebody that I just connect with.

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Like, energetically, it feels light.

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It feels right.

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It feels good.

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And then sometimes you meet people who maybe on the surface are like, honestly, super nice, right?

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But for whatever reason, there's just an energetic disconnect, okay?

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And sometimes that's because maybe you're sensing something.

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Maybe there is weird intentions going on with that person.

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Maybe they have weird intentions with you, weird motives for wanting to be friends.

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Maybe you're just getting a sense that their morals or values don't align with yours or like whatever.

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Like maybe you're too different.

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Not that you have to have the exact same morals and values, I guess, as your friends.

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Like, you know, you can disagree on certain things.

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I think that is totally possible depending on the things, of course, in how you feel about them.

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But yeah, I don't think you need to agree 100 % about everything with your friends.

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I guess morals and values are pretty heavy and maybe it is more important to be aligned on those things.

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But I think morals and values are vast and cover almost every single topic of life.

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And I think it's normal and okay to disagree on a few things here and there.

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But perhaps, you know, when you get a vibe from somebody who maybe seems really wonderful on the surface, but you get a weird vibe,

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you get an off vibe, could be you sensing that maybe there is a fundamental difference between you two that just wouldn't work.

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Or like, I don't even know.

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But sometimes you just get a vibe from somebody and you're like, that just doesn't feel right.

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Even if they're so wonderful on the surface.

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And see, I have a really hard time, especially in this very social era of my life where I'm trying to make more friends,

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trying to be as social as possible, because it's really good for me and it makes me feel good and it makes me happy.

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And that's kind of what life is about.

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It's about other people.

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It's about people.

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I mean, it's about a lot of things, but I think one of the main things is about connecting with people.

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Like that's one of my favorite things in the whole world.

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You know, I can, I assume you might agree.

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I think even introverts find that to be wonderful.

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I have a really hard time with not trusting my instincts

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when like I get maybe an off vibe from somebody

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and maybe I'm like oh I don't really like hanging out with them I don't really know why

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but I just don't I have a really hard time with

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that and I feel a lot of guilt and shame about

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that and I'll often make plans with people

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that I maybe get an off vibe from

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and then it'll actually cause me a lot of psychological distress

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I'll dread the event I'll get anxious after I hang out with these people because they give me a weird feeling

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perhaps like that's something I really struggle with and

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when you're in a social phase of your life exposing yourself to a lot of different types of people

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there are going to be instances where you have conversations with people

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that maybe give you a slightly off vibe

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but maybe they don't get an off vibe from you

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and they're like let's hang out and you don't necessarily know why

434

but you're like I don't really want to I don't really want to

435

but see I feel really bad about that really bad about that.

436

And that's something that I'm trying to figure out.

437

And I know deep down that there's nothing wrong with just not vibing with somebody.

438

Like, that's totally fine.

439

If somebody doesn't vibe with me, I hope that they don't hang out with me.

440

Like, that doesn't bother me.

441

Like, if I were to put myself in other people's shoes, right?

442

And if I were to find out that, say, somebody didn't want to hang out with me,

443

yeah, I mean, it's not the best feeling in the world,

444

okay but I can handle that I don't want anyone to hang out with me unless they really want to

445

but I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety about maybe starting a friendship

446

and then realizing you know what this just doesn't feel right

447

and then backing off I feel guilty I feel like I'm judging

448

this person not like I'm not I'm saying

449

this person meaning like that's what I say to myself in my head in

450

that moment not saying that there's like one particular person that I'm talking about you yeah, I feel like I'm being overly judgmental.

451

But also too, I can get anxious about distancing myself from the person and then them in some way retaliating against me,

452

getting upset, getting angry that I didn't follow through on the friendship

453

and perhaps trying to like sabotage me or ruin my life, which is ridiculous.

454

But see, I almost knocked on wood, but I'm trying not to do that anymore because

455

that only makes my OCD worse because my OCD gets very superstitious

456

and I'm really trying to like not do that because it only just exacerbates it.

457

So I almost just knocked on wood and you know what?

458

I'm not doing it.

459

But I think I'm not going to reach my full social potential until I'm not afraid of really standing in

460

that boundary of like, if I don't wanna hang out with somebody, I'm not gonna do it.

461

And it's no hard feelings and the vibe can be totally cool

462

and cordial and wonderful if we bump into each other at a party or something, but like, I don't need to be your bestie.

463

I don't need to be everyone's bestie.

464

I can't be everyone's bestie and vice versa.

465

Not everyone needs to be my bestie.

466

I don't need everyone to like me, you know?

467

And I've accepted the reverse role, but I think I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings and then them like getting angry and trying to sabotage me.

468

Or like if I maybe told them a vulnerable story, them like going and telling everyone, which is a risk.

469

And again, that's another thing I need to work on.

470

It's like, okay, well, I'm such a vulnerable person.

471

Maybe I need to be more mindful about how much I divulge about myself

472

and my feelings and my brain early on into a friendship or relationship because that only makes this anxiety worse.

473

So I guess I thought that I didn't have social growth growing on, but I definitely do now that we've discussed it.

474

Moving on to morals and values and goals.

475

I actually will say, you know what, maybe this is the category of my life where I feel the most solid.

476

In fact, I actually feel like I've never been more solid in this area in my life.

477

But I think what's uncomfortable about that is not that I'm like confused about what my morals and values are,

478

what my goals are, what I maybe think my purpose is or whatever.

479

I'm not uncomfortable in this area because it's unclear, but rather because it's so clear right now,

480

because it's clearer than it's ever been.

481

I'm looking back at my life and kind of picking it apart, right?

482

Remembering so vividly times where I've not aligned with my ultimate morals, values, goals, purpose, self, you know what I mean?

483

And it's more clear to me than ever the times in my life

484

that I've maybe fucked up or I've done things that don't feel true to me or feel like a,

485

what's the word?

486

Not a divergence.

487

Would it be divergence?

488

Whatever.

489

It's just I'm kind of being haunted by everything I've ever done

490

because it's so clear to me right now where I stand on these things.

491

And I think that is something I'm working through.

492

Because by the way, again, it's like, Emma, chill.

493

It's so normal.

494

we've all done shit that we now cringe at

495

that we now are ashamed of that we now wish we didn't do like

496

that is that is so normal it's crazy like everybody on this fucking planet has experienced

497

that feeling i bet there's billions of people experiencing

498

that right now it's more common probably to experience

499

that feeling than to not at any given moment like i

500

feel like there's probably a 75 % chance at any given moment

501

that somebody's kind of cringing at their past or regretting their past or not even regretting,

502

but feeling ashamed of something they did in their past or whatever.

503

And that's who, that's what makes us who we are today.

504

I know all of this is true, but I think there's a recalibration happening for me in a way where it's like,

505

okay, whoa, I'm feeling really solid in who I want to be, who I am, you know, what, what matters to me,

506

what's important to me, how I want to carry myself in this world, blah, blah, blah, blah this is all so clear to me right now.

507

So, so fucking crystal clear that then it's like, I'm just feeling a bit haunted by who I've been prior,

508

which again, this kind of goes hand in hand with the career crisis, if you will, where it's like,

509

I need to remember just because I'm cringing at it now doesn't mean

510

that what I did was even that bad or cringe or embarrassing or whatever.

511

It's more just that I've grown.

512

It's a sign that I've grown, which I think is actually a beautiful thing.

513

Being uncomfortable with what you've done before, what you've made, what you've whatever, not feeling satisfied with it is a sign that you're growing.

514

And that's wonderful, but it's also uncomfortable.

515

And I think it can be anxiety inducing as well.

516

And so that's something I'm dealing with is that anxiety.

517

How do I accept that I haven't always been at the place that I'm at now.

518

How do I accept that I was once not fully aligned with who I am now?

519

You know, I think in the career category, it's even more complicated because it's like, I'm not stoked on what I've done in the past.

520

I'm not feeling proud of it.

521

And that's not to shit on it.

522

It's just, again, it's like a personal discomfort, right?

523

I don't want to continue making things like I've made in the past.

524

Not saying that things are going to change in a way that is drastically different even necessarily necessarily, but I don't even know.

525

I don't even know.

526

I don't even know what it is.

527

I don't even know what's next.

528

I don't even know.

529

So that's even more challenging because it's like, I don't even have anything to grasp onto in the current moment where I'm like,

530

well, but at least I know what I'm doing next.

531

And at least I feel really confident and inspired by that.

532

I don't feel that way.

533

Yeah, I don't.

534

Whereas at least with like the morals and values and purpose and goals category, I'm pretty aligned there.

535

So it's like, I'm more cringing at my past because of how clear I am there.

536

Whereas with the career, it's like I'm cringing at the past and I don't even know what the future is.

537

God, when I know what the future is, I'll probably cringe even more at my past.

538

Maybe not though.

539

Maybe not though.

540

Maybe I'll be so distracted by what I'm doing in the present moment

541

that it'll sort of erase all shame and embarrassment about what I've made in the past.

542

And then the last category is love.

543

In terms of like romance, I would say.

544

And I did sort of just talk about this actually, so I won't get into it into too much detail.

545

I think the last episode I made was about detachment, particularly in love and romance the concept of detachment being, you know,

546

being detached enough from a romantic interest in order to maintain a level of independence

547

and in order to sort of protect yourself in a way, which is something that that's a skill that I think I've newly sharpened,

548

you know, not having expectations in my dating life.

549

Right.

550

And that's been really good.

551

I will say in love, romance, dating, etc. I would say the area that I'm being forced to grow in,

552

interestingly enough, is not what you would expect.

553

Like, love and romance and dating is it's all so complicated, right?

554

But funny enough, I got one of the most challenging parts of it sort of under control right now.

555

And that is keeping a healthy level of detachment, right?

556

Like detaching just enough to protect myself, right?

557

And that's something I struggled with as a young person.

558

And I have really sorted that out.

559

You would think that that would be something I'd be struggling with more.

560

What I'm struggling with is being single for the first time and being sober.

561

Okay?

562

I've been sober for like a year and a half, maybe a little over a year and a half.

563

I don't drink alcohol anymore.

564

I don't smoke weed.

565

I don't do mushrooms.

566

I'm a sober girl.

567

The only thing I got going on in my system is caffeine, which we love.

568

And that is awesome.

569

And I will continue to be consuming that.

570

And also a little bit of nicotine here and there.

571

Yep.

572

Have not been able to fully quit that one.

573

That is going to be a lifelong journey for me, it seems.

574

And I'm smiling only because I'm just disappointed in myself.

575

But I also, you know what?

576

Yeah, those are my substances.

577

That's all that's running through these veins, okay?

578

I am sober.

579

When I go out, I'm sober.

580

When I'm on a date, I'm sober.

581

When I'm, you know, talking to a boy, I'm sober.

582

If I kiss a boy, I'm sober.

583

Do you see what I'm saying?

584

Like, I have nothing to hide behind anymore.

585

And you know, what's really interesting is that I realized during this single era of mine,

586

that so many of my interactions with guys that I've been interested in.

587

In the beginning, it's been through the lens of alcohol.

588

We're at a party.

589

We're drunk.

590

We're talking.

591

It's like we're vibing because we're drunk.

592

We're loose, whatever.

593

We're relaxed.

594

First kiss, drunk.

595

Do you get what I'm saying?

596

And now it's like, whoa, I have to date sober.

597

Sober.

598

And let me tell you, it has been really, really, really scary.

599

Like if I see a cute guy, it's really tough for me.

600

Do you know what I mean?

601

Like I'm not going up and talking to them.

602

Like they need to talk to me.

603

Like I need somebody to like, I'm really struggling with that.

604

And I will say, I think I'm getting through it.

605

I'm slowly but surely building my confidence, facing my fears.

606

Like it's happening, but I will say that it's been really uncomfortable.

607

I think we take for granted how easy, like how, I don't think we realize how alcohol impacts how we date,

608

how much easier it makes it to just have a conversation with somebody you find attractive, you know, like.

609

the walls that it breaks down immediately.

610

You know what I mean?

611

You're just immediately, everybody's sort of disarmed, everybody's relaxed.

612

It is so scary to do it sober.

613

And I've been having to do all of this sober and it is so uncomfortable.

614

It has been so uncomfortable, but I'm really glad that I'm doing it because I think,

615

you know, I'm actually learning how to date on my own, you know, no, no help.

616

And it's definitely, I think,

617

going to eventually build my confidence to the point where I'm going to be the like most suave motherfucker on the planet.

618

But I think that's been a really uncomfortable thing for me, sort of just feeling like a turtle.

619

Like I feel like I'm a turtle.

620

And every time somebody I think is cute comes around, it's like the head goes in.

621

And again, I will say I'm not going to divulge too much detail, but I do think I've improved.

622

I've faced some pretty big fears and I'm feeling very good about it, but it doesn't mean that there hasn't been some embarrassing moments,

623

you know, where it's like, I'm clearly like nervous and I'm being awkward.

624

And maybe it's not even necessarily noticeable to them, but it's noticeable to me.

625

But I'd have to get through.

626

I have to push through it because it is one of my goals to find a partner in my life.

627

I want, I want to love God damn it.

628

You know, I do.

629

So it's like, I got to push through it and it's, it's uncomfortable, but it's growth.

630

But that's something to think about is how much alcohol impacts dating.

631

It's a really interesting rabbit hole to go down in your brain if you're somebody who drinks alcohol and dates a lot.

632

I think sober dating should become a vibe because you know what I'm realizing?

633

Actually, you know what?

634

I want to make a whole episode about that.

635

I'm going to stop along my head because I have a lot of thoughts about sober dating.

636

So we'll get into that another day. But

637

it's safe to say I'm going through somewhat of a growth spurt in my life

638

and it's making me a bit bit uncomfortable.

639

But I feel really good about it.

640

Even though it is uncomfortable, even though it is kind of painful, I think it's a normal, healthy part of life.

641

And for whatever reason, it happens to kind of all be happening all at once.

642

It seems like a lot of growth is happening all at once.

643

But that just means that something beautiful is coming.

644

And I share this story and I share where I'm at with you all to hopefully,

645

you know, if you're feeling like this or you've felt like this before, or perhaps you're anticipating that you'll feel this way in the future.

646

I don't know.

647

I think there's something comforting about knowing that this is a very normal feeling, uncertainty, instability, kind of feeling like something's on the precipice.

648

Like, all of this is so normal, and we all feel it sometimes.

649

And so, I don't know.

650

That's why I shared it with you.

651

But I don't really have any key takeaways for you.

652

So you can take away whatever you want.

653

But I hope that you enjoyed this episode.

654

And if you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday, we can hang out if you want to join me.

655

Anything Goes is anywhere you stream podcasts.

656

I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is Chamberlain Coffee.

657

I love you all.

658

I appreciate you all.

659

Thank you all for hanging out with me.

660

I love you.

661

And I'll talk to you next week.

662

Goodbye. That was Sabrina Carpenter.

663

Such a good song.

664

Oh, such a good song.

665

Goodbye.

666

Okay, I can't sing too much or else I get copyrighted.

667

Okay, love you.

668

Bye.

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

This speaking lesson is built on the video “growing is so uncomfortable lol”. This video has 668 sentences and 7733 words to shadow. The speech runs for 42:56. The speaker talks fast, about 180 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 82% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.

Key vocabulary in this video

15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
uncomfortable adjective	/ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/	Not comfortable; causing discomfort.
sober adjective	/ˈsoʊ.bɚ/	Not drunk; not intoxicated.
vibe noun	/vaɪb/	An atmosphere or aura felt to belong to a person, place or thing.
anxiety noun	/æŋˈzaɪ.əti/	An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event.
necessarily adverb	/ˌnɛs.əˈsɛɹ.ə.li/	Inevitably; of necessity.
moral adjective	/ˈmoɹəl/	Of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behaviour, especially conforming to principles of rectitude.
aura noun	/ˈɔːɹə/	A subtle emanation or exhalation of any substance, such as an aroma or odour.
ruin noun	/ˈɹuː.ɪn/	The remains of a destroyed or dilapidated construction, such as a house or castle.
anxious adjective	/ˈæŋkʃəs/	Nervous and worried.
spiral noun	/ˈspaɪɹəl/	A curve that is the locus of a point that rotates about a fixed point while continuously increasing its distance from that point.
romance noun	/roʊˈmæn(t)s/	An intimate relationship between two people; a love affair.
blessing noun	/ˈblɛs.ɪŋ/	Some kind of divine or supernatural aid, or reward.
stash noun	/stæʃ/	A collection, sometimes hidden.
tomato noun	/təˈmeɪ.toʊ/	A widely cultivated plant, Solanum lycopersicum, having edible fruit.
stoke verb	/stəʊk/	To feed, stir up, especially, a fire or furnace.

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
go through verb		To travel from one end of something to the other.
come up with verb		To manage to produce, deliver, or present (something) by inventing, creating, thinking of, or obtaining it.
figure out verb		To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce.
break down verb		To stop functioning.
come out verb	/ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/	To be discovered; to be revealed.
get through verb	/ɡɛt ˈθɹu/	To overcome; to endure.
go out verb		To leave, especially a building.
push through verb		To force (legislation or a plan) to be passed or agreed to or a decision to be reached.

Sentences worth repeating

Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:

Does this mean I can't eat ketchup anymore?
You know what I'm saying?
What if something bad happens while you're gone?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Do you get what I'm saying?

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on	I've even been thinking · I've been managing · I've been trying
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	I've eaten · I've developed · It's been
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	is presented · I've been blessed · be cursed
Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing	yeast, which is · now, which is · truth, which is

Pronunciation to watch

The speaker uses 382 contractions and reduced forms, such as I'm, don't, I've. Say them the short way, as you hear them.

The “sh” and “zh” sounds: anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/, stash /stæʃ/, friendship /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/, inspiration /ˌɪn.spɪˈɹeɪ.ʃən/, intentions /ɪnˈtɛnʃənz/
Long words — get the stress right: uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, necessarily /ˌnɛs.əˈsɛɹ.ə.li/, ridiculous /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/, complicated /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/

How to practise with this video

Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like uncomfortable, sober, vibe.

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

Shadowing Practice: growing is so uncomfortable lol - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

Key vocabulary in this video

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Sentences worth repeating

Grammar in this video

Pronunciation to watch

How to practise with this video

What is the Shadowing Technique?