Shadowing Practice: relationships change us - Learn English Speaking with Video
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When I was younger, I wasn't very thoughtful or intentional about who I shared relationships with.
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I think because I didn't have a firm grasp on why we even have relationships as human beings.
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When I would reflect on my relationships, I'd simply ask myself, are we having fun together?
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Are they hot?
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Do I like when we kiss?
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You know, like that was it.
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Whereas now I'm starting to develop a firmer grasp on what the point of relationships are.
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Relationships at their best are incredible catalysts for growth for both people involved.
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That's kind of the whole point.
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And if that's not happening, it's kind of a waste of time and energy.
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And I know what you're thinking, Emma, that sounds harsh.
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It's actually not because growth doesn't always need to be this obvious, loud, apparent thing.
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We think of obvious growth and we think of a relationship where on a daily basis,
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you know, you're confronting one another and saying, hey, you did this wrong and you need to be better.
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And then the next day you're saying to the person you're in a relationship, hey, you, you need, you did this wrong and you need to be better.
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That's like the loud, obvious sort of growth relationship, I guess.
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Growth in relationships can be incredibly subtle and still be really beautiful and impactful.
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Even just adopting a healthy habit that someone
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that you're in a relationship with has can be an example of growth in a relationship.
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If there's none of that happening, I don't think it's a good relationship.
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I mean, there are people in our lives who are sort of in the peripheral who don't really help us grow
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and we don't really help them grow, but that's fine because that's not someone in your circle.
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I'm talking about the relationships that are at the core of your life, that build your social foundation.
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Those relationships should be rooted in growth.
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At least I think.
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Now back to the episode.
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I know that a lot of us want to be responsible for our own growth.
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We don't want to rely on other people, but we are social animals.
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We inevitably are going to have relationships with other people and those relationships are going to alter who we are as people.
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They should be pushing us to be better versions of ourselves and vice versa.
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I'm talking about all relationships.
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There are so many different ways that all types of relationships can be catalysts for growth.
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When you're in a relationship where there's mutual admiration,
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both of your positive habits and traits are going to start to slowly but surely rub off on each other.
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When you see your friend treat everyone with overwhelming in kindness, you're going to want to start to do that too.
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When you see your friend doing that, it's easy to just hop on the bandwagon and start doing it with them.
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That feels much more comfortable than being somebody who maybe is a bit more cold, a bit more closed off.
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And then all of a sudden, one day wake up and start being really nice to everyone.
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That can feel kind of weird and forced and oddly vulnerable.
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If your friend is doing it too, it makes it feel safer.
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So not only does it inspire you to try
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but also now you have someone to do it with another example
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if you're dating somebody who wakes up early
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and is super productive like somebody who just gets their shit done there's a good chance
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that that'll start to rub off on you i think the
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quote you are who you surround yourself with is a bit
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overused to the point where a lot of us hear it and are like shut shut up, shut the fuck up.
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Like who cares?
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But it is true.
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It's truer than we, than we realize.
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I don't know.
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There, there's been times in my life where I I've had close relationships with people who I didn't necessarily admire.
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And in retrospect, I think that without me even realizing it, some of their more negative traits rubbed off on me,
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even though I was kind of aware and in touch with the fact that I didn't really admire them.
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I thought, well, that's their life and those are their habits and those are their traits.
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Like, that's not my problem.
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But it actually did become my problem without me even realizing it.
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A lot of it's subtle.
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We are who we surround ourselves with.
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So you wanna surround yourself with people who you admire because then you'll become a little bit more like them.
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And that's an incredible way to grow.
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Relationships can also be a catalyst for growth through confrontation.
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If you're in a healthy relationship with somebody, they should be able to call you out on your bullshit and vice versa.
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But in order to be called out on your bullshit, the person you're in a relationship with has to, number one, feel comfortable enough with you to bring it up.
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But number two, respect you and the relationship enough to put themselves in an uncomfortable position where they can confront you.
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And again, vice versa, the same thing goes for you in the relationship.
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There's nothing wrong with being confronted on your shortcomings.
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Like that is so important for personal growth because we do a lot of checks on ourselves all the time, or at least we ideally should be,
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but there are things that we miss.
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There are certain areas that maybe we don't understand as much that somebody we're in a relationship understands more and can say,
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this is what you're doing wrong.
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This is why it's wrong.
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And this is how you can fix it.
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I think relationships can also help with growth because being in healthy relationships gives you a sense of foundation in your life.
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It gives you a sense of community, comfort.
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And when you have that sort of foundation in your life, it's easier to grow.
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Because growing as a person is an incredibly vulnerable, raw sort of experience.
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And I think if you don't have foundation in your life, if you don't have a sense of community, if you don't have a sense of safety,
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it makes it harder to grow.
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I'll give an example of this.
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There have been
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so many times in my life where my relationship with my
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parents has allowed me to grow instead of remaining stagnant during a challenging moment in my life.
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When I was going through some of my first few really challenging breakups,
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something that I struggled with so viscerally was wanting to go back to my ex,
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even though they were really bad for me.
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And I was faced in those moments with a choice.
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I'm either going to grow through this experience by not going back to them and by instead remaining strong,
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dealing with the grief and just moving forward to, to greener pastures, or I could remain stagnant and,
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and go back to them and start the whole negative cycle over again with
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that person because of my relationship with my parents and because they were there to support me and talk me through it.
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And because I felt love from them, I was able to grow through that experience instead of remaining stagnant and going back to my exes.
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Do you see what I'm saying?
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It's, it's just so much easier to handle challenges and make the right decisions that are growth decisions.
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When you have a support system around you, it's not necessarily relationships are always directly forcing you to grow,
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but sometimes just the presence of healthy relationships can help you grow in other areas outside of the relationships themselves, if that makes sense.
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I also think too, conflict in relationships can cause growth, like a stronger bond between the two of you, but also just growth in general.
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Conflict really tests everyone involved.
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You know, ego gets involved.
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There's rage and anger at times, which you have the option to lean into or not.
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And that's really challenging.
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Sometimes you have to admit you're wrong.
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Sometimes you have to be honest and confront in a way that's super uncomfortable for you.
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Like conflict is an incredible opportunity to grow.
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I'm not even somebody who I feel like is particularly competitive or egotistical when it comes to argument.
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Like, don't get me wrong.
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I have my own, like my ego comes out sometimes in certain areas.
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I can be a, I have narcissistic traits probably sometimes, you know, definitely sometimes I'm human,
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but I'm not particularly egotistical or narcissistic in argument.
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Like I am the first one to admit wrongdoing.
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If somebody sits me down and says, Emma, you did this wrong.
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I am, I am there to listen and I'm there to say, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
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Thank you for telling me.
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I heard you.
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I'm always grateful when somebody confronts me and tells me I'm doing something wrong.
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But even I sometimes, someone who I consider to be genuinely good at handling confrontation and criticism and things like that,
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even I sometimes in an argument will find myself wanting to stoop to a level below my own moral compass, if you will.
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That doesn't really make any sense, but maybe it did.
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I want to stoop low.
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I don't know.
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Sometimes maybe a little piece of my ego gets bruised or like, I'm frustrated with the, with the way that the other person's communicating and something will get triggered in me.
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And even I will get tempted to not handle things admirably, but within the safety of a relationship, you can have those conflicts.
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And if everybody handles things in a way that is morally sound, you can come out the other end,
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both stronger, better people who are better at handling complexities between human beings and the relationship is closer.
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It is ultimately a net positive.
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It can be a net positive in the moment.
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It sucks, you know, but there is potential for it to be wonderful.
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I also think too, that our relationships can be a mirror.
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I remember someone telling me that perhaps it was my dad when I was younger,
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but I remember hearing this sort of concept of like the people you're in relationships with are like a mirror.
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It didn't really click with me until I started being more critical of the relationships in my life.
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And I started choosing higher quality relationships to dedicate my time to where I really realized how true this is.
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When you spend time with somebody you truly respect, you start to see yourself through their eyes.
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And if you respect and admire them, it will truly make you want to be better.
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If you look at the way that they look at the world and think like, wow, you know, that's such a different perspective from mine, but such a beautiful perspective.
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And then you proceed to perceive yourself.
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You naturally will then wonder like, how do they see me?
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It's just sort of like a natural thought that crosses your mind.
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You might end up seeing your own shortcomings just from using them as sort of a mirror.
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They don't even have to confront you.
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They don't even have to, they might not even notice these shortcomings, but using them as a mirror, you're able to discover those things.
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I remember the first time I felt this way.
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It was in a romantic relationship.
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I remember like almost having like a meltdown, like on my own, like crying and sobbing
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because I was like perceiving myself through my new partner's eyes just naturally because I had been spending,
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you know, a lot of time with them because we just started dating or whatever.
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And I truly saw myself in a different light.
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And that meant seeing some beautiful things about myself that the person I was dating seemed to really like about me.
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And that was sort of an emotional experience, but then also becoming aware of certain shortcomings that I, I had never even remotely been aware of before.
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It's a very interesting thing that happens very naturally in healthy relationships that can absolutely inspire growth.
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And last but not least, I think relationships expose you to thoughts and ideas that you never would have had organically, expanding your mind and your perspective in a way.
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We've all had such different experiences.
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We've all seen such different things.
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We've all been wired in such unique,
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different ways that when we come together and share our perspectives we're able to widen each other's perspective through,
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you know, just talking.
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It's a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing.
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And it's, it's a wonderful way to grow.
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Now it would be very idyllic if this is how all relationships worked.
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Like two people come together and they hang out a lot and then everyone's growing and it's so awesome.
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Like, Oh my God, everyone's growing this is so awesome
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but unfortunately or maybe not unfortunately but more realistically relationships are deeply complex
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and a good portion of the time are not wonderful seamless catalysts for growth it's much more complicated
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and much more clunky than that like yes all of the things
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that i just mentioned can potentially happen in relationships
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but it's not guaranteed you also might have certain areas where you grow in a relationship
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and then other areas that are kind of toxic like every single relationship has its own complexity and
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so as much as relationships are wonderful catalysts for growth they
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also might not be in my experience in order for relationships
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to be at their maximum level of health where growth is
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seamless I'd say everyone involved in the relationship needs to have number one, a decent sense of self -esteem.
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Number two, a decent sense of independence or more so a lack of codependence on the other person.
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Decent coping skills in life, a feeling of fulfillment in their lives, or a sense of working towards fulfillment.
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And lastly, but maybe there's more that I just can't think of, a somewhat clear set of morals, values, priorities, purpose, and goals.
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So all you need in order for there to be a
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seamless growth experience with everybody in a relationship is just all of those things that are really, really challenging to accomplish or to have.
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We're all constantly working towards having a sense of all of those things.
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And it's an ongoing journey.
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So naturally relationships are going to be much more complicated because the sort of perfect relationship, it rarely exists.
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Now, what I've discovered is that when growth isn't happening, there's usually something that comes in to replace it.
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Okay.
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Growth is positive change.
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Okay.
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Because growth is becoming the person that you always could be.
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I think of growth as becoming a better version of yourself, but it's in you.
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You're not changing into somebody else.
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You're growing into a better version of yourself.
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That's what I think growth is.
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Whereas change to me is becoming someone that you're not or becoming a worse version of yourself that doesn't need to exist.
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You know what I'm saying?
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It's negative, negative change.
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I mean, I guess you could argue that you could sort of regress into a worse version of yourself, and that's not necessarily change because that's still in you.
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If you're not growing in relationships, there's a really decent chance that you're regressing.
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Now, how does regression happen in relationships?
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Well, just as quickly as you can pick up people's positive traits and habits, you can also pick up their negative traits and habits.
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Like an example would be if your friend gossips a lot, much more than you.
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And at first you're like, ah, it's fine.
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Like I don't really admire how much my friend gossips.
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Like it's a little bit too much for my comfort level, but you know what?
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That's them.
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And you know, we have fun together when we go out and we, you know, party on the weekends.
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So I'm just going to let it slide.
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Next thing you know, two years into the friendship, you're gossiping just as much as they are.
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Another example, let's say you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, gets up late, doesn't get their work done on time,
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doesn't move their body, like doesn't go for a walk ever, you know, sits around a lot.
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That doesn't make anyone feel good physically.
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You might first, you know, start dating this person and think like, oh, you know what?
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I'm a pretty productive person.
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You know, I have my routine of what makes me feel good.
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And so, you know, I think I can accept this and and we'll be, we'll be fine.
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You know what I mean?
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Well, if your significant other doesn't rise to the occasion and match your routine, there's a decent chance that you're going to start matching theirs.
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And next thing you know, you've developed that bad habit.
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And there are also a lot of instances where the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic, all of this is platonic or romantic.
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They will convince you that what they're doing is right and that you should do it too.
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Like for example, with, with the friend who gossips a lot example your friend might
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say gossiping is healthy like i'm just analyzing people by the way i've literally said
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that because i'm somebody who loves a little bit of gossip here
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and there trying to be better about it
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and not do it in a way that's like i i try to keep it appropriate not appropriate
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but like i try to keep it morally sound
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but i definitely am like prone to gossip okay
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and i have to like keep an eye on it
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because i can be a real gossiper and i think that's something
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that we could all infer by the fact
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that I have a podcast where I talk into a microphone for hours and hours by myself every week.
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It's like, of course, I like to gossip.
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You know what I mean?
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I just like to talk.
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I think that's really what it is.
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Anyway, if you have a friend who gossips more than you're comfortable with, they might say to you, gossiping is harmless.
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We're not saying anything to anyone's face.
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We're analyzing people.
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There's nothing wrong with that.
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Convincing you to go against your moral compass and gossip more than you're comfortable with.
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Or if you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, they might say like, wait, like, babe, I know it's like Sunday afternoon
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and you want to go for a hike or bake something and you want to do all these fun things.
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But like, let's just watch this TV show all day.
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If that's not something that you like to do, it's not going to make you feel good to do it.
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But if they're convincing you, come on, like come on no this is fun like it's the weekend they might not have evil motives
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but slowly but surely you're picking up on their potentially negative traits and habits
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and it can happen just as quick as you can pick
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up the positive ones now this next cause for regression is
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one of the trickiest to spot a lot there can be moments in a relationship where confrontation occurs, okay?
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And one another's shortcomings might become weaponized if the confronter is struggling on a personal level.
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Like, I think we all like to assume that if somebody's confronting us about something, it's because it's genuinely an issue.
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You know what I mean?
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But depending on what type of place the confronter is in in their life, confrontation might not always be accurate.
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And that's tricky.
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It can be really challenging at times to determine
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if this person is confronting me because they genuinely want to help me or if they want to hurt my feelings,
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if they're feeling really insecure and something's bothering them that's sort of irrational.
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The list goes on.
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Let me give you some examples, okay?
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Let's say your friend confronts you and says
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that your bubbly outgoingness in large groups feels ingenuine and fake
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because when you guys hang out one -on -one you're much more chill
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and calm your friend might confront you about this
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and say this feels ingenuine
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and it rubs me the wrong way it feels off to me and
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and i don't like it okay your friend might confront you
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in fact i i've never been confronted about this by a friend
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but i have actually been confronted about this by a significant other in the past they were like you change
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when you're in a big group of people.
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Like you're really outgoing and bubbly.
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And when we're alone, like you're just like chill.
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So it's like, what, why are you like turning on for a group of people?
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It was really confusing to me because I was like, okay, am I being fake?
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And when I reflected inward, I was like, not really.
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Like, I think I'm really bubbly and outgoing with people in big groups because I don't know, there's something about being in a big group that's exciting.
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And there's also something about being around people that maybe I'm less close to where, I don't know, maybe I do turn on a little bit, but it's not in a way that's ingenuine.
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It's just, it's, it's very organic and automatic.
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It's just, I don't know.
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You behave differently in a large group of people that you're not super close with versus with your significant other, like with your significant other,
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you have a sense of familiarity and perhaps there's less to talk about.
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There's less to be excited about because you see each other all the time.
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In the case of that particular relationship, when I was confronted about this, the person I was dating was a very chill, quiet person.
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It's like, I don't know how to be bubbly and outgoing with you because you're quiet.
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And in the moment, I genuinely psyched myself out so bad socially that it made me sort of shut down,
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which was weird because I'm somebody who's very outgoing.
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My partner's comment made me shut down a little bit, thus regressing me as a person overall.
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In retrospect, it's very clear to me
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that the reason why my partner said this to me was
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because my partner was particularly self -conscious about their social skills
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and my social skills being a bit more advanced made them feel bad.
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So they were confronting me on this, not because it was actually a real issue, but because they were struggling with that.
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But let me give another example to really, to really paint this picture for you.
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Let's say your significant other confronts you and says
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that you hang out with your friends too much and it's immature and unfair to everyone else in your life.
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This might be a fair complaint
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if you genuinely do hang out with your friends too much
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and you don't split your time responsibly with everyone in your life.
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But there's also a chance that you do actually have a really good balance
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and that this complaint is not rooted in reality, but rather rooted in your significant others, again, insecurity about the relationship,
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insecurity in themselves and the fact that maybe they don't have as many friends as you, like there might be a bit of jealousy there.
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Again, it could be rooted in nothing in particular, just your significant other being unhappy and just wanting to confront you and,
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and sort of hurt your feelings for the sake of hurting your feelings. Who knows?
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You might make a correction in your life that is unnecessary and thus becomes harmful.
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In the case of the bubbly outgoing personality example, when that happened to me, I then went into my shell a little bit.
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Every single time I was in a social situation, I was overthinking every single move.
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And not only did that make me miserable, but it also made me less fun to be around.
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And in the example of if your significant other says, you hang out with your friends too much, but you actually don't, you might start hanging out with your friends less,
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damaging those relationships unnecessarily it's worth the analysis it's worth paying
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Now, let's get back to the episode.
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Another way that you can potentially regress in relationships is your self -esteem can decline.
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If you're not being properly supported and loved, then you start to think subconsciously or even consciously.
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What's wrong with me?
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Why don't they love and support me to the extent that I need it?
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Why are they wishy -washy with me?
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Why do I not feel like I have a foundation from them?
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Like, is it my fault?
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All of this subconsciously lowering your self -esteem,
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which makes you less fit to handle challenges that come up in your life in a way that is evolved.
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I gave this example earlier of when I was faced with growth opportunities as a young person during various breakups.
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Do I go back to my ex and regress or stay stagnant?
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Or do I push through the pain and the grief and move forward?
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My parents and their love and support allowed me to move on.
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There's a lot of people that helped me through those breakups.
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Because of their love and support, I was able to take the growth opportunity and actually take advantage of it and grow through the experience.
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However, if I had not had those people in my life, I think my self -esteem would have been too low
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and my sense of foundation would have been too rattly for me to choose the growth opportunity.
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You know, I would have gone back to the X's immediately.
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I know that for a fact.
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We can also regress through relationships if our confrontations with one another,
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our arguments, our fights are not handled properly.
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Fights and arguments in relationships are only opportunities for growth when everyone involved chooses to be the bigger person.
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Does that make sense?
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If both people in the relationship are like, you know what, I'm going to be the bigger person.
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The next thing you know, you're both bigger people.
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But if you both stoop below your moral compass, if you both stoop low,
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you say hurtful things and you don't listen to each other and you don't really solve any problems, but at the end of it, you're like, eh, fuck it, we'll just move on and pretend like it didn't happen,
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but you don't solve anything.
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No one grows from that.
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And you might even be stunting the development of your social skills, which is sort of a form of regression.
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And also you're putting your relationship in a worse position.
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You know, that's, I think when disagreements and arguments
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and relationships become a sign of the end is when they're not being solved properly.
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There's too much ego involved.
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People are saying things that are mean just for the sake of being hurtful, et cetera, et cetera.
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Moving on in the same way that relationships can be a mirror for us that inspire us to be better.
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I've come to find that they can also be mirrors that enable us to remain the same, to continue with our bad habits.
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If you are in a relationship with somebody who you don't admire, who doesn't have admirable traits or habits,
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if you look in the mirror that is them back at yourself, there's actually a decent chance that you look pretty good.
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You know, why change anything?
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So the mirror thing can actually backfire as well.
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If you look in the mirror that is the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic, and you see yourself looking perfect and amazing,
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that's a red flag, in my opinion, because that's actually not accurate.
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Like everybody on this planet has room for improvement.
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You see what I mean?
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So if you aren't seeing that in the mirror, eek, it's not a good sign.
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Do you see what I mean?
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And last but not least, as much as relationships can expose you to new perspectives that expand your perspective in a positive way,
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relationships can also expose you to new perspectives that shrink your perspective in a negative way.
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If the people around you have more limiting beliefs than you do, your perspective will shrink.
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If you're strong and can help others broaden their perspectives, great.
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But if not, then you'll find yourself shrinking.
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You see what I mean?
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Like, it's not like all new ideas from other people expand your perspective.
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Somebody, like an example might be you're dating somebody who is a very negative person who believes
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that like all amusement parks suck and going to the movie theater sucks and doing art sucks and cooking sucks.
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Like somebody who just thinks everything sucks, right?
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Next thing you know, you're gonna start to think everything sucks and your perspective is shrinking and shrinking and shrinking.
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And again, it happens sneakier than you think.
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Now, listen, I don't have it all figured out, okay?
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I don't, but this is something that I think about a lot
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because I wanna make sure that the relationships I have in my life are having a net positive effect on my life.
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And listen, I don't have unrealistic expectations.
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Okay.
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it's impossible to be in a relationship where there's abundant growth all the time.
385
And there's never a moment of a bit of regression here or,
386
and everything's perfect and everybody's so happy and everyone's growing and everybody's laughing and no one ever does anything wrong.
387
I mean, I think a lot of times in order to grow, there has to be an occasional fuck up.
388
If you don't occasionally fuck up, you might not get confronted very often.
389
Like there is no growth without occasional failure as well, I think.
390
So I don't have unrealistic expectations, but I think it's less about isolated incidents and it's more about the big picture.
391
When I look at my own relationships, I'm looking at, have I grown with this relationship over the last year, over the last five years?
392
Have I grown from this relationship?
393
Or on the contrary, has my quality of life declined?
394
Am I less happy?
395
It's more about the bigger picture and less about isolated incidents.
396
To finish this episode, I thought I would give you some tips on how to figure out
397
if a relationship is helping you grow or causing regression.
398
Now, these are my tips.
399
They're unprofessional and they are ultimately just based on my experience.
400
So take it with a grain of salt.
401
Number one, through honest conversation and reflection with oneself,
402
figure out if you truly respect and admire the person you're in a relationship with.
403
If you can't think of three things that you admire about the person you're in a relationship with, that is not a good sign.
404
And it's shocking how common it is.
405
I've been in so many different types of relationships where I've realized at a certain point,
406
I don't admire or respect this person very much.
407
I love them maybe or I think I love them
408
or I feel like I love them I feel comfortable in our relationship
409
but I don't think I respect them or admire them
410
or respect is actually the wrong word because I try to respect everyone but
411
but by respect I mean more like admire you know in
412
order to grow you need to admire the person you're in a relationship with you have to think
413
that they're awesome and you and they have to have traits
414
that you're like I wish I could be a little bit more like that.
415
And it doesn't need to be anything big or obvious.
416
Like, well, they've saved 10 ,000 puppies from the, from a river once.
417
Like, it doesn't need to be like that.
418
It can literally be like, you know, the way that they hold the door for people, the way that they notice whenever someone's sad and, and offer them a tissue.
419
Like it can be something tiny like that, but you have to have at least three.
420
I mean, if you can't come up with, with three, probably, probably not a growing, healthy, happy relationship.
421
Okay.
422
Number two, if you don't feel comfortable confronting one another about your shortcomings, bad sign.
423
The growth is probably not happening in this relationship because there's a chance that you're growing a little bit, you know, maybe through admiring one another.
424
But I would argue if you don't feel comfortable confronting one another, you can never reach
425
that sort of growth flow state i'm just fucking speaking out of my ass at this point
426
but you get what i'm saying like such a big part of growth is is confrontation
427
and if you don't have
428
that element i don't know how you can be in a
429
relationship where there's inadequate amount of growth again it's like we have peripheral friendships
430
and in acquaintances that are in our life to keep us company
431
but they're not like our close friends they're not in our circle we don't have a deep relationship with them.
432
That's a different type of relationship.
433
I'm talking about deep personal relationships.
434
Those are the types of relationships where, you know, we, we should be demanding a bit more because they demand a bit more of our attention and time, right?
435
Okay, next check in with yourself in your relationship.
436
Are you deeply considering the context of the other person's life and are they considering yours?
437
Are you strong enough to help lift them up out of their hard times
438
and are they strong enough to help lift you up during yours can you even figure out
439
when they're going through a hard time can they figure out
440
when you're going through a hard time are they dragging you
441
down into their misery are you dragging them down into your misery can either of you figure out
442
when it's happening do you get what i'm saying like it is inevitable
443
that in relationships each individual is going to go through a hard time over and over again time time again.
444
And in order to use those hard times as a growth opportunity,
445
the people around you that you're in relationships with need to be able to support you
446
and empathize with what you're going through and speak to you whilst understanding that context.
447
You get what I'm saying? this plays a role in so many different elements.
448
Like if you have a firm grasp on the mental state of the person you're in a relationship with
449
and they confront you in a way that seems sort of irrational, maybe they're like, why, why didn't you come home last night?
450
And you're like, I was working.
451
Like, what, what are you talking about?
452
I was literally at work and they're like, you will always do that.
453
And it's so inconsiderate.
454
And they lash out at you.
455
If you understand the context of their life and you know that they're going through a really hard time, you can better handle that situation,
456
not regress yourself and rather help them grow and communicate better.
457
Do you see what I'm saying?
458
Next, it can be helpful to ask yourself, and I already mentioned this, but I'll mention it again.
459
Is my life better with this person in it or is it worse?
460
Look back at your life before you met this person.
461
Now think about your life with this person or have they added anything?
462
Have they taken anything away?
463
Be honest with yourself.
464
It's very rare that we actually sit down and ask ourselves this question
465
and it can tell us a lot another thing
466
that you can do is ask the people in your life
467
that you deeply trust if they have noticed growth in you since around the time
468
that you started spending time with a specific person right i've
469
done this before with my parents i've been like have you
470
noticed growth in me since around this time not being super specific
471
and it's been interesting to get the answer you know and incredibly valuable.
472
And last but not least, as you evolve and change due to relationships,
473
ask yourself with every single little change that occurs in your life, if you are making these changes ultimately for you,
474
perhaps inspired by them, but ultimately for you, or if you're just making these changes for them to make them happy,
475
to reduce conflict, to satisfy their desires.
476
Who are you changing for?
477
If you're changing for you, chances are that's growth.
478
If you're changing for them, chances are that's in one way or another a form of regression, I would argue.
479
Because even if you make a change for somebody else that actually is on paper ultimately a positive thing, like for example, if your partner's like,
480
I really want you to start waking up early with me.
481
Maybe you hate waking up early.
482
Maybe you're a night owl and that's what makes you happy.
483
That will ultimately come at a cost down the line.
484
Do you see what I'm saying?
485
And will ultimately lead to a little bit of regression.
486
I mean, not that regression is a bad thing.
487
Like we all grow and regress and grow and regress and grow and regress.
488
Like you're going to have moments of regression inevitably.
489
So I don't want to make that sound too negative because I don't think it is.
490
Like, I think it's all a part of an upward trajectory of a realistic upward trajectory, you know?
491
But I think that's an incredible question to ask yourself.
492
And that's all I have for today.
493
That's it.
494
I hope that you enjoyed this episode.
495
Perhaps you found it a little bit helpful or comforting.
496
Maybe you've been having these thoughts or thinking about these things and maybe I just agreed with you. Who knows?
497
But hopefully you enjoyed this episode.
498
And if you did, no worries because there are new episodes every Thursday and Sunday.
499
Okay.
500
So you can hang out with me, um, kind of as much as you want.
501
I talk a lot into the microphone twice a week.
502
So, you know, I'm here for you.
503
Anything Goes is on social media at Anything Goes.
504
I'm on social media at Emma Chamberlain.
505
My coffee company is around on the internet and in real life at Chamberlain Coffee.
506
That's all I have for today.
507
I love you all.
508
I appreciate you all.
509
I am manifesting for you growth in relationships and I'll talk to you in a few days.
510
Okay.
511
Love you all.
512
Bye.
513
Talk to you later.
514
Bye.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “relationships change us”. This video has 514 sentences and 6768 words to shadow. The speech runs for 38:40. The speaker talks at a natural 175 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 85% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| confront verb | /kənˈfɹʌnt/ | To stand or meet facing, especially in competition, hostility or defiance; to come face to face with. |
| admire verb | /ədˈmaɪɹ/ | To regard with wonder and delight. |
| gossip noun | /ˈɡɑsɪp/ | Someone who likes to talk about other people's private or personal business. |
| mirror noun | /ˈmiɹɚ/ | A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it. |
| habit noun | /ˈhæb.ɪt/ | An action performed on a regular basis. |
| trait noun | /tɹeɪt/ | An identifying characteristic, habit or trend. |
| suck verb | /sʌk/ | To use the mouth and lips to pull in (a liquid, especially milk from the breast). |
| decent adjective | /ˈdiː.sənt/ | Appropriate; suitable for the circumstances. |
| genuinely adverb | /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/ | In a genuine manner; truthfully, truly. |
| confrontation noun | /ˌkɑn.fɹənˈteɪ.ʃən/ | The act of confronting or challenging another, especially face to face. |
| outgoing adjective | /aʊtˈɡəʊɪŋ/ | Extroverted: talkative, friendly, and social, especially with respect to meeting new people easily and comfortably; outgiving. |
| naturally adverb | /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/ | In a natural manner. |
| romantic adjective | /ɹoʊˈmæn(t)ɪk/ | Fantastic, unrealistic (of an idea etc.); fanciful, sentimental, impractical (of a person). |
| esteem verb | /ɪˈstiːm/ | To set a high value on; to regard with respect or reverence. |
| catalyst noun | /ˈkæt.ɪ.lɪst/ | A substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without being consumed in the process. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| figure out verb | To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce. | |
| go back to verb | To stem from; to originate in. | |
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. | |
| come out verb | /ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/ | To be discovered; to be revealed. |
| come together verb | /ˈkʌm tʊˈɡɛðɚ/ | To assemble; to congregate; to combine. |
| pick up verb | To lift; to grasp and raise. | |
| shut down verb | To close, terminate, or end; to stop operating, either permanently or temporarily. | |
| wake up verb | /ˌweɪk ˈʌp/ | To stop sleeping; to awake. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- Do I like when we kiss?
- Do you see what I'm saying?
- You know what I'm saying?
- You know what I mean?
- You get what I'm saying?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | if not, then you'll find |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | there's been · have been · has allowed |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | should be rooted · is presented · be called |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | baby, which means · somebody who maybe · somebody who wakes |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 203 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, don't, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: clothing /ˈkloʊðɪŋ/, theater /ˈθi(ə)tɚ/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: confrontation /ˌkɑn.fɹənˈteɪ.ʃən/, potentially /pəˈtɛnʃ(ə)li/, occasional /əˈkeɪʒ(ə)nəl/, expectation /ˌɛk.spɛkˈteɪ.ʃən/, irrational /ɪˈɹæʃ.(ə.)nəl/
- Long words — get the stress right: genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, confrontation /ˌkɑn.fɹənˈteɪ.ʃən/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, necessarily /ˌnɛs.əˈsɛɹ.ə.li/, potentially /pəˈtɛnʃ(ə)li/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like confront, admire, gossip.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.