Shadowing Practice: finding comfort in yourself, advice session - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creating lesson...
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Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas
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or anything that you want advice on
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and then I give you my unprofessional advice and then you take it with a grain of salt.
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And today's topic is finding comfort within yourself.
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Listen, I know it can be tempting to find comfort in other people, in distractions, but here's the problem with that.
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It's inconsistent.
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It's unreliable.
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What's more plentiful than something that's coming from within something
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that you're creating something
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that you have maximum control over that's why i think we all want to find comfort within ourselves
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but it's challenging it takes work it's much easier to rely on something else
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because there's no creation going on there you know you don't
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have to create anything from within you don't have to do any of the dirty work
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if you're just finding it out in the world before i start going down a rabbit hole
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that even I can't follow because I'm already feeling myself doing that right now, let's just get into this episode.
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I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Volkswagen.
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Don't get me wrong, sometimes I love to be a passenger.
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Growing up, I loved sitting passenger seat in my dad's old Volkswagen.
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Wind in my hair, listening to music.
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There was something magical and carefree about it.
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But once I got my driver's license, I've loved being in the driver's seat ever since.
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Not just in the car, but in my life as well.
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This is from me, from Volkswagen, and all the other drivers out there. Do it.
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Grab the wheel.
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Get in the driver's seat of life.
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Visit VW .com to learn more.
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Now back to the episode.
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Let's begin.
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Somebody said, how to find confidence doing things alone in public?
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I love my alone time when I'm at home, but I feel a little awkward doing things alone when I'm in public.
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Any tips?
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Well, I want to start by saying, I shockingly can relate to this a little bit right now.
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And this is shocking to those who know me, because I am an only child.
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I am wired to be alone.
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I've spent so much time alone in my life, it comes very naturally to me.
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And I've always been someone who felt really comfortable doing things alone, since I was a teenager, going and getting a coffee, going thrift shopping, doing whatever.
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It's never been embarrassing for me.
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Overall, I would say I'm someone who's pretty comfortable with doing things alone.
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However, recently I've been kind of overthinking it and I know why it's
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because I just got out of a two -year relationship and this two -year relationship was very bestie vibes.
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Like me and my boyfriend hung out all the time, which I didn't have in the relationship prior.
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So I still was doing a lot of stuff alone in my last relationship.
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I like did everything with him.
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Like we were inseparable besties vibes and it was very fun, but it kind of, of weakened the muscle.
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And so since the breakup, I've been feeling a bit less comfortable with doing stuff alone.
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I don't think that's a bad thing.
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I mean, listen, I could psychoanalyze my past relationship and say, I should have been doing more things alone while we were together, but we were having fun.
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So I'm not going to say that.
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This is just sometimes the way things happen.
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That muscle got weakened because I was constantly doing things with him.
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And now I'm back to doing things alone.
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The weekend rolls around.
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If all my friends are busy and I want to go do something fun, you know, I'm going to go do it alone.
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And there have been a few instances lately where I've been genuinely nervous
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and it shocks me every time because it's just so unlike me.
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And so I have been actively working on dealing with those slightly anxious feelings about doing things alone.
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So like, this is a very, this is the perfect time for this question to come up because this is something I've been dealing with lately.
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The first thing I do to help myself with this is remind myself of the reality of the situation, okay?
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People aren't paying that close of attention to me.
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They're really not.
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An exercise that I do is I think of how I perceive other people doing activities alone.
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When I'm at a cafe, when I'm at a thrift store, and I notice that somebody's shopping alone, getting a coffee alone, Do I even think twice about it?
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No, I don't.
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Do me a favor next time you're doing something alone and you start to feel anxious, like people are judging you for doing things alone.
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And try to think of one time that you've ever seen someone out doing something alone and you've thought, what a loser, where are their friends?
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You've never thought that, I bet.
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I bet you've never thought that.
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I bet you can't even think of one stranger that you've seen doing something alone ever.
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I bet you can't even remember that because it doesn't matter
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because you don't care people care more about themselves than about
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you not in a mean way just in a human way we're not paying
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that close attention to what other people are doing now let's imagine the most stressful case scenario, somebody is paying attention to what you're doing.
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I can almost guarantee they are not thinking to themselves, what a loser, where are their friends?
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Instead, they're thinking, that's so badass.
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Look at them eating at this restaurant alone.
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Look at them reading their book at this coffee shop alone.
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Look at them shopping alone.
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Look at them taking a walk in this park alone.
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That's badass.
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That's girl boss.
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That's independence.
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That's admirable.
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That's cool.
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So I think it's all about realizing that your fears about how you're being perceived are irrational.
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That can be incredibly helpful.
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And from there, I say, practice makes perfect, okay?
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The more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes.
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And you will enjoy it eventually, you know?
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But anytime something's new, unfamiliar, it's a little bit uncomfortable at first.
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Be patient with yourself.
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Practice makes perfect.
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The more you do it, the more you go out and do your own thing, the sooner you'll get comfortable with it
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and it'll just become second nature to you trust the process believe
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that that comfort will come you will one day not feel uncomfortable by it anymore i can almost guarantee you
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that i i really believe
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that that's what's happening to me like the first few times post breakup
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that i went to a flea market i went to a
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coffee shop by myself i felt naked i was like oh my god this is
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so weird like i feel i think
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that there was an added layer of vulnerability
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because in my subconscious I was like I'm single like my identity feels different now
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because I'm an independent woman right now in a way
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that you know feels really real
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and really serious whereas let's say I would like go to a coffee shop alone
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while I was in a relationship I was like well I don't care what anyone thinks of me
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because I have a boyfriend and I have great friends
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and I don't really care but see now
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that I'm going out as a single woman I'm like more
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aware of what say guys are thinking about me I'm like do I seem like pathetic here alone
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or like boys judging me or do they find me to be demure
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and they like you know want to ask for my number
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like I think that's actually where the discomfort has stemmed from for me post breakup
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but as I'm repeating the action going out and doing shit alone anyway.
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I'm slowly but surely feeling myself fall back into the swing of it.
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And it's becoming like second nature again.
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And I will say, if you're finding a hard time motivating yourself to go out and do things alone, let this story motivate you.
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Okay.
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I, a few weekends ago, wanted to go out and do something, but all my friends were out of town.
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I kid you not, every single friend.
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And I was like, I could go out and hang out around town, shop around,
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get a coffee you know I could do that but it's
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so much easier to just stay home
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and I don't know maybe I could get some work done
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or something but I was like ah but I'm too tired to get work done
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and it's the weekend and it's such a beautiful day out like I probably should go out
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and do something
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but I was like I feel kind of I don't know I didn't feel super confident
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that day I was feeling kind of down in the dumps I was like I don't know I don't know
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if I need to like go out like
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and do stuff alone it's not going to be as fun
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like I wish my friends were in town I just had like a negative mindset
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but I decided to push myself and go out anyway just hang out
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and I went and got a coffee
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that was nice a little bit embarrassing for me for some
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reason I was really feeling embarrassed on this particular day well
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I think the reason why I felt embarrassed getting the coffee was
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because I felt like I was not there getting the coffee
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because I really wanted a coffee I just was bored
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and kind of wanted something to do and I was too lazy to do anything productive, but I wanted to do something.
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And I guess that's kind of the reason why we do anything and everything.
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But in my heart, I was like, what am I doing here?
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Like, I'm just, I don't know how to explain it.
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The particular, like I could have made a coffee at home.
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You know what I mean?
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But I went out and I got this coffee because I don't know.
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I kind of just wanted to like see who was sitting outside, like see if there was anyone to spark up a conversation with, like who knows.
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And I think there was something kind of embarrassing about that for me.
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The fact that I went to this coffee shop because I was like, hmm, what could happen here?
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A lot of people I know go to this coffee shop.
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I went there intentionally because I was like, hey, you never know.
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I might see someone spark up a conversation.
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I'm feeling kind of lonely.
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And there was something kind of embarrassing about that, even though there's nothing embarrassing about that at all.
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But again, I was in kind of a negative headspace that day.
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I pushed through, got my coffee, didn't end up talking to anyone, and then decided I would go to one of my favorite vintage stores in Los Angeles.
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I pull up, I go in and at the front of the store, there's a group of kids and they were laughing and they were gabbing and they were talking.
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And I end up sparking up a conversation with them.
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Next thing I know, they're inviting me to go bowling.
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And then the next day we went bowling and it was a really amazing time.
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And now these are new friends that I have.
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Like that would not have happened if I had not gone out alone.
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That's the kind of magical, kindred, weird shit that happens when you go out alone and you're vulnerable in that way.
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That type of stuff doesn't happen when you're hanging out with your best friend
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and you're at a coffee shop and you guys are
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so sucked into each other and the gossip that you're talking about that you don't even notice the world around you.
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That doesn't happen then
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if you go out alone you'll interact with people differently you'll see things differently you can spend your time differently
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if you want to spend two hours in a store no one's going to say wait
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but i'm hungry let's go get lunch
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or i'm bored i don't want to be in here anymore
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you know there's a lot of magical things about going out
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and doing stuff alone so if you're struggling to motivate let
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that motivate you as well okay next somebody said i love the guy i'm dating
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but i've noticed that my mood is so dependent on him.
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I don't like that.
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How do I be less reliant on him for my mood?
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Okay.
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In my experience, because I've experienced this before, this is usually a sign that your relationship is the center of your universe.
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Okay.
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It's your main priority.
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It makes up the majority of your foundation, your emotional foundation in your life.
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Metaphorically, you've put too many of your eggs in one basket, the basket being him.
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Your life is not balanced.
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Your priorities are not balanced.
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You're not putting your energy out in a balanced way.
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You're putting too much energy on your romantic relationship.
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And this is an easy mistake to make.
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Okay.
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Love can be all consuming.
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It's tempting to put all of our energy into romantic relationships because
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there's an electricity in the romance that we don't get from our friends.
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We don't get from our family.
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We don't get from our hobbies.
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We don't get from our career.
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I swear it comes down to the sex.
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I think it's actually just the sexual element that is so, I'm not a scientist, but from what I've read online,
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your brain releases a lot of chemicals when you have sex, a lot more so than when you like respond to an email, more so than
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when you are sitting at a coffee shop with your friend
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sex it boom you know there's a lot of chemicals coming out more than normal
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and I think that combined with like also all the chemicals
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that explode out of your brain see this is why I'm not a scientist
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and this is why you need to take my advice with a grain of salt
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because I'm kind of who knows what I'm saying
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but you get what I'm saying the chemicals released in your brain also
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when you're in love especially in like the honeymoon stage and stuff it's very it's very all -consuming.
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I think your mood becomes dependent on your partner
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when you've made it such that your only potential source of fulfillment and joy is coming from the relationship.
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Like if you're not putting any effort into your friendships, your work, your hobbies, your life outside of your relationship,
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then you can't really receive any benefit from that stuff because you're not putting any effort towards it.
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You have an imbalance going on.
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That's at least what I think.
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Okay, this is what I've experienced in my life.
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Though very hard to do, it is very important that we have a solid foundation in a full life outside of our romantic relationships.
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This is so hard to do and it's been really hard for me to do in the past.
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I have always struggled with this.
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I have a tendency to get into a relationship and it just becomes my life.
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I'm just going to get all the joy and all the fulfillment out of this.
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Why would I go elsewhere?
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This seems to be such a valid source of all of these things?
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Why would I work on developing my friendships further?
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Why have hobbies?
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Why focus on my career when I could get a kiss and a cuddle from my boyfriend?
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It's not good.
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Let me tell you, this is the worst thing you can do in a relationship for many reasons, not just because it makes your mood dependent on your partner,
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but also because it can oftentimes cause other issues.
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Your partner can start to pick up on it
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and feel kind of smothered or feel like there's a codependency
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and then that can kind of end up making the partner want to create space and push away.
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It also can cause expectations on your end because you're like,
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you can start to expect them to provide you with unrealistic levels of fulfillment and joy.
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If they are the center of your universe, you know, you can expect a lot out of them.
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And we're dealing with human beings here.
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Chances are they're not going to live up to your expectations.
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But let's zoom back into our issue at hand here.
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Mood dependency on partner, okay?
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Let's go back to what I was saying, okay?
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I went off on a tangent.
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Let's reel it in.
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As I was saying, it's very important that we have a solid foundation in a full life outside of our romantic relationships.
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We should think of our romantic relationships as the cherry on top to an already wonderful life, an extra layer of reinforcement in our foundation that is not necessarily crucial.
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We don't need it.
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but it definitely helps.
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This can be hard to grasp, especially for somebody like me who really wants to have a family one day, you know, wants to have a partner, wants to have a family.
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I want to have kids.
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Like I want this in my life.
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And so when I get into a relationship, it's really hard for me not to be like, this person's the center of my universe.
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Otherwise, like I won't accomplish my goal of having a family and having kids.
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Like, you know, this person is so important because they are, they might be the, my counterpart in this, you know what I mean?
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Like, it's hard for me not to put
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that person in the center of my universe and I want to make them a focus.
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We can take it too far.
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And our life outside of the relationship falls away.
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And that's not good.
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Our own friends, families, hobbies, passions must remain a priority in our lives when we're in love, okay?
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It's so important.
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And listen, does it take a level of discipline?
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Yes.
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Does it take boundaries?
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Yes.
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Does it take self -control?
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Yes.
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We wanna be around our partners all the time.
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You know, we wanna get a kiss on the cheek every five minutes.
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We love it.
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But the good news is, not only will this make your relationship healthier, it's not a codependent relationship.
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You have healthy boundaries.
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You have a life outside of one another, meaning that you can keep each other in check without fear you're not afraid of losing one another.
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You obviously want to be together and you really want to make it work.
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But if you have a life outside of the relationship, then you're not afraid to call your partner out on their bullshit.
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And that's very important in a healthy relationship.
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So not only will having these boundaries make the dynamic of your relationship better,
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but also you as an individual will be happier.
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Your source, or maybe not happier, but you will be more emotionally regulated.
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You might experience joy or happiness more frequently.
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You won't completely crumble the second something goes wrong in your relationship.
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Not only when your relationship gets a little rocky, you can rely on these other areas of your life to sort of support you, but also vice versa.
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If shit's kind of not going so well in your career, well, luckily you have all this other stuff that can help support you emotionally in the meantime.
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Do you know what I mean?
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That's why I think it's so important in life to balance your priorities, balance your energy.
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You know, you shouldn't ever be too focused on one thing.
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If you're feeling dependent on your partner, you're putting too much energy into your partner.
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Now, don't get me wrong.
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We shouldn't neglect our partner.
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But if this rings true to you at all, then you know what I'm talking about.
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And I don't even need to explain anymore.
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Moving on.
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Somebody said, I sometimes struggle to express my opinions and end up just agreeing with others, even though I don't really feel that way on the inside.
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How do I get more confident speaking my truth?
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I am myself a recovering people pleaser.
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And I still have moments where I people please, even though I know better.
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I still have moments where I do it.
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Like this is something that I'm actively working on.
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I think I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.
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Like I don't know that I'll ever arrive at a place where I'm just someone who's 120 % comfortable with saying, no, I don't agree with that.
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Nah, I don't like that.
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I think that's always going to be hard for me.
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I think it's just who I am.
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So I relate to this.
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However, something that I remind myself of when I'm kind of feeling tempted to just agree, fit in with everyone else, whatever.
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Something that I remind myself of is that having your own unique point of view instead of opinions is far more respectable,
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attractive, and interesting, in my opinion and in the opinion of the internet, I've Googled this before, than being agreeable,
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agreeing with everything that everyone says.
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I think a lot of it is subconscious, but we respect people who lightly disagree with us.
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We respect people who like different things than we do.
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I mean, listen, obviously there's, there's exceptions.
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I think for the sake of this conversation, I'm not talking about serious topics, but rather more lighthearted things like whether or not a movie is good,
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whether or not a restaurant is good, whether or not a pair of jeans is cute,
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whether or not what your friend did last year at your other friend's birthday party was wrong or not, you know, like things that are a bit more lighthearted.
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Let's keep it in this world for this conversation, because I think that that's really what we're talking about here.
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I think that we think instinctually that agreeing with everyone will make us more likable, because I think instinctually we feel like, oh, if we have things in common with others,
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then that means that we're similar.
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And then that means that we that they'll want to hang out because we like the same things.
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But the truth is, at least in my experience, when someone just agrees with everything I say, I'm kind of like, well, I don't really believe them anymore.
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You know what I mean?
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I don't actively think that, but like subconsciously, I'm like, there's no way you agree with me on everything.
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If anything, it makes the things that we agree on more powerful if there are some things that we disagree on.
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We respect people who clearly have a spine, clearly have a sense of self,
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are confident in their opinions and beliefs and aren't afraid to disagree.
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We admire that.
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We're attracted to that.
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We like honesty.
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So I know that your gut might be tricking you into thinking that agreeing with everything is the move because it, in theory, should make us more likable.
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But something that I do is remind myself
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that standing firm in who I am is actually going to make me more attractive and interesting.
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And you know what?
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Worst case scenario, worst case scenario, it doesn't.
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Worst case scenario, Someone would prefer me if I did disagree with everything that they had to say.
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Well, guess what?
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That's not somebody I want to be around.
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I don't want to be around somebody who has such like a fragile sense of themselves
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that if I disagree with them on like whether or not a restaurant is good, they actually get butthurt.
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Or if I don't like their favorite song, they get butthurt.
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I would rather be myself and have someone like get offended that I disagreed with them and then realize, Ooh, I don't want to be around this person.
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Then just agree with everything, suppress my sense of self.
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And then, I don't know, like continue to be friends with somebody who has kind of a negative trait
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that I could have picked up on and then ultimately gotten away from if I had seen it.
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Like it's, it's to me, it's a win -win situation.
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Even if the worst case scenario comes to pass, that's still not even really that bad.
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Maybe uncomfortable for a second.
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Well, now you know that this person kind of sucks.
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You know what I mean?
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I think it's a snowball effect in the way that perhaps you start by being confident in your beliefs,
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in your opinions, in front of people that you're really comfortable with and see how it goes over.
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And you'll probably notice it doesn't go as bad as you think it would.
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Maybe even you notice that these people respect you a little bit more after this.
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Maybe they even say, wow, I never thought of it that way.
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Maybe they end up agreeing with you.
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You'll notice that it's not the end of the world.
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You'll also notice how it reinforces your self -esteem.
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Not only will you realize that even if someone disagrees with you and maybe it's a little bit uncomfortable, it's still not gonna be that bad.
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At worst, maybe a little bit uncomfortable.
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And you'll also notice that by doing it, you'll reinforce your self -esteem and your confidence will build a little bit more.
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And as you continue practicing with people close in your life, you'll become more and more confident in this ability and more confident in yourself and your opinions
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because now you're not afraid of them anymore.
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You see that they're not going to harm you.
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You've reinforced the idea through practice that the world doesn't explode if you disagree.
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Nobody abandons you when you speak your mind.
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Now, I also think too that just building a general sense of confidence is helpful.
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I give advice on this all the time.
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I think when lacking confidence in life, usually the fix is
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solidifying your sense of morals
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and values sticking to them being the best person you can be that's it I could expand on it
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but I've done it too many times
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that also you know having a general strong sense of self
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-esteem I also think could be helpful too you know beyond just practicing making perfect
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but also I think it must be said
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that sometimes it's just better not to involve yourself in a conversation where maybe you disagree like
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if everyone if all your friends are talking about how they love the new Harry Styles album
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and maybe you don't like it
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and everyone's really passionate about it they love it they can't
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get enough it's the best album they've ever heard blah blah
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blah you don't necessarily need to chime in you can remain silent I think it's okay to not agree
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or disagree just kind of stay out of it I do
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that all the time there are times when I feel inclined to enter a conversation, perhaps start a little debate about something.
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And then there are times when I don't.
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And I don't think when I don't, it's because I'm lacking confidence or whatever.
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It's just because I'm, I don't really think I'm going to add to the conversation by disagreeing.
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And so I just stay out of it.
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And then if somebody asks me, you know, I'll be honest, but also consider the option of just staying out of the conversation.
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If you disagree, but you don't really have the energy to get into it, just stay out of it.
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You could even say too
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if somebody asks you like oh what do you think about this
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and you don't really want to get into it just be
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like you know i don't really know great this episode is brought to you by ebay we all have
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Now back to the episode.
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Last but not least, somebody said, How to stop letting other people influence my thoughts and opinions about myself.
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I want to feel more independent in my self -worth.
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I will say, to an extent, this is tricky because it is almost like a human instinct.
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And I have always felt this way about this particular topic.
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Like it's very human for us to care about what other people think about us.
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I don't know that that's an avoidable human thing.
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In fact, to me, it actually is a bit frightening when someone doesn't care what other people think about them at all.
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Like that feels freaky to me.
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It doesn't feel human to me.
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And so I Googled it because I was like, is this just my experience or is this sort of true?
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And it is true.
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We're social animals.
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We're wired to rely on others to keep us in check, help us learn.
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If someone calls us out for being an asshole, it will make us feel a bit bad about being an asshole, rightfully so, hopefully inspiring us to be less of an asshole in the future.
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It serves a purpose.
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It's important that we care to an extent what others think of us, because otherwise, would we be good people?
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Probably not.
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We're born a baby.
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We don't know anything.
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And throughout our lives, we learn from others.
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Oftentimes, we learn from how others perceive us.
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If we do something rude, people get upset with us.
418
And it's important that we care about that so that we stop doing rude things.
419
You know, if we make a joke that's kind of out of touch, kind of embarrassing, kind of missed the mark, people are gonna make a weird face at us.
420
And it's important that we notice that.
421
I think to a certain extent, it's inevitable that other people are going to impact the way
422
that we see ourselves however we can't take it too far
423
to the point where our self -worth is tied up in
424
other people's opinions about us this isn't beneficial this isn't like someone calling us an asshole
425
because we did something rude
426
and then us being like huh maybe i am kind of an asshole i need to work on
427
that i think when it becomes harmful is when it's taken in too far.
428
It kind of reminds me of anxiety.
429
It's like anxiety is a human emotion experience feeling.
430
It's a feeling that we have evolved to have because we as a species want to protect ourselves.
431
And anxiety, apparently originally, was like an evolutionary response that would protect us from threat, right?
432
But now we have less threat, so we get anxiety about other things, I guess.
433
That's my understanding of how anxiety came to be in our silly little brains.
434
But it's kind of similar to this in a way.
435
A long time ago, maybe socially things were a little bit less complicated.
436
And so, you know, there was no internet a really long time ago when our brains were wired.
437
Maybe there weren't like the same types of beauty standards.
438
Like everything was so different that, I don't know, perhaps this is just kind of a hypothesis,
439
but it's like perhaps our brains were wired to care about what our close -knit community thought about us for survival purposes.
440
And now it's almost like we have a tendency to overcorrect because we don't need it as much.
441
Does that make sense?
442
Or not that we don't need it as much, but yeah, maybe we don't need it in the same way.
443
I don't know.
444
It feels like an evolutionary misfire in the brain.
445
Does that make sense?
446
Like it feels like something that used to benefit us.
447
It's like not serving us anymore
448
and now we care way too much about what other people think about us
449
and it deeply impacts our our sense of self
450
and our in our sense of worth in a way that's detrimental
451
and it's so common that that's why it feels like to me something similar to anxiety
452
which is also so common it's like this must be a part of our brain
453
that hasn't quite evolved to the new situation
454
that we're living in today again i might have just went off on a tangent that is completely scientifically inaccurate and false.
455
But this is just my scientific hypothesis that I will never test because I'm not a scientist.
456
But it's almost like, you know, it's important that we pay attention to what other people think about us so that we can learn from it.
457
But if we put too much weight on it, then we can hurt ourselves.
458
And then we're drawing conclusions about ourselves and our worth from things that we shouldn't be.
459
Some examples of being too influenced by other people's opinions of
460
you in a way that's detrimental in a way that's harmful
461
would be number one someone you have a crush on doesn't like you back
462
and you take it personal it makes you feel like shit
463
about yourself like you're a plastic bag drifting in the wind wanting to start again another example
464
Someone doesn't seem to like you for some reason, feels cold or distant with you for no reason, just maybe they just don't like your vibe because that happens sometimes.
465
You take that personal.
466
Once again, you feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again.
467
Thank you, Katy Perry, for this quote.
468
It's really helping me with this episode.
469
Another example, if you don't get invited to something, you might take this so personal, an attack on your sense of self, or if someone disagrees with you maybe,
470
instead of being like, that's okay, No. You're like, I am an idiot.
471
I'm an idiot.
472
You see the problem here?
473
These are all things that shouldn't impact one's sense of self.
474
But if you're overly concerned with other people's opinions and thoughts about you and feelings about you, these things will impact your sense of self, your self -esteem, your self -worth.
475
Now it's tricky, right?
476
Because if you're someone who's ultra sensitive, and I can relate to this
477
because I've had periods of my life where I've been very sensitive in this way can be hard to tell.
478
Like, okay, I seem to take everything personally.
479
I seem to let everything go straight to my heart.
480
You know, like I seem to let everybody's opinion of me immediately attack my, my reserves of self -esteem.
481
It's hard to discern, okay, when should I take people's opinions to heart?
482
And when should I take them with a grain assault?
483
When should I let them hit my reserves of self -esteem?
484
And when should I not?
485
And I think the best way to figure it out is to reflect on the situation at hand and ask yourself,
486
if upon honest reflection, if you've done anything wrong, have you genuinely done anything wrong?
487
Yes or no?
488
And if the answer is yes, then yeah, you know what?
489
It makes sense that it took a little bit of self -esteem out of your reserves
490
because you fucked up and you need to earn that self -esteem back because you did something wrong and you hurt people.
491
That's actually like things functioning properly, at least in my opinion.
492
However, if you didn't do anything wrong upon reflection and it started to drain your reserves of self -esteem, that's something that you need to take with a grain of salt.
493
If you're letting something impact your self -esteem that actually isn't a negative reflection of you, you didn't do anything wrong, then that means something's off.
494
You see what I'm saying?
495
That means you got an issue.
496
So how do you feel more independent in your self -worth?
497
My advice, build more trust with yourself, make promises to yourself and follow through.
498
That's one of the greatest ways that you can build trust with yourself.
499
It builds self respect.
500
If you say tomorrow, I'm going to wake up at seven in the morning
501
and I'm going to journal and I'm going to cook myself a healthy breakfast with lots of like fun, like I'm going to use And like,
502
maybe that's a promise you make to yourself.
503
Fulfill that promise.
504
Maybe the next week, your promise to yourself is, I'm going to work every day without going on Instagram every,
505
like for a week.
506
I'm not gonna let myself go on Instagram during working hours for a week.
507
Keep that promise to yourself.
508
That will build self -respect.
509
The next week, okay, I'm going to exercise three times this week.
510
Keep that promise.
511
Watch the respect built.
512
I think having this sort of relationship with yourself where you're making goals for yourself
513
and then making a promise to yourself that you will fulfill it and then doing it,
514
that process really helps with building self -respect and self -esteem.
515
In addition to
516
that, I think making the effort to form a set of
517
solid personal beliefs makes it easier to trust your perception of yourself.
518
If you have a solid set of morals, values, you know what you think is right and wrong.
519
And then if you live by that to the best of your ability, it's going to be really hard for anyone's random opinion of you to shake you
520
because you have such a solid sense of morality and you're living, you're abiding by it.
521
So if somebody tries to like, I don't know, if somebody rejects you or doesn't want you in their life anymore, you're like, I don't really okay
522
because I'm kind of I'm a good person I'm doing the work
523
so your loss you know whatever it's easier to let other people's opinions
524
or thought of thoughts of you roll off your back
525
if you're really locked into that moral compass you trust yourself you trust
526
that you're a good person and you trust that
527
if people don't like you or if they disagree with you or if they don't want to hang out with you, that it's not because you're not a good person.
528
You are a good person.
529
It's something else.
530
And who cares what it is?
531
Because at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you're a good person.
532
You know what I mean?
533
Okay.
534
Next, live a life that you're proud of.
535
Treat people kindly.
536
Take care of yourself. Have discipline.
537
work ethic, to the best of your ability, live a life that you're proud of.
538
This, again, will make it easy for opinions that don't matter, thoughts about you that don't matter to just roll off your back.
539
Now I know it's easier said than done, but I've made way too many episodes detailing how to do these things, how to actually practice them in your life.
540
I don't need to get into it again.
541
Like we're all, we're all sick of it.
542
We're all bored.
543
And last but not least, mindfulness.
544
Remind yourself of the reality of the situations.
545
Okay.
546
If somebody doesn't like you, romantic or platonic it's not necessarily because there's something wrong with you
547
because you're gross because you suck because you you're horrible
548
because you're annoying because you're cringe because
549
because you're not cute it doesn't necessarily mean
550
that you just might not be their cup of tea
551
that could be simply it and you know what
552
if you have trust in your sense of self
553
if you've built trust in your sense of self
554
when someone doesn't like you romantic
555
or platonic it's very easy to be like i'm just not their cup of tea
556
because i am kind of awesome i've done the work.
557
I'm a morally good person.
558
I respect myself because I make promises and I fulfill them.
559
You know, like I'm awesome.
560
I'm a badass.
561
I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty awesome.
562
And so if somebody doesn't like me, it's probably because I'm not their cup of tea.
563
Much easier to be mindful about these things if you're in a good place with the other things.
564
But it is true that you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea.
565
If someone disagrees with you, instead of being like, I'm an idiot, I'm dumb.
566
I'm stupid.
567
The reality of the situation is we all learn from each other.
568
Whether a disagreement leads to further reinforcement of our own personal belief
569
because being tested on it and not budging reinforcement
570
or our minds expanding and us having an epiphany through a conversation with somebody and changing our beliefs.
571
What a beautiful thing.
572
That has nothing to do with your self -worth.
573
That's just like how we interact with one another as human beings.
574
And I think using mindfulness to remind ourselves of
575
that can be incredibly helpful that's all i got for today
576
y 'all what am i doing saying y 'all i do
577
say y 'all sometimes it makes no sense i don't know
578
where it came from i am a california girl born
579
and raised cali girl saying y 'all i don't even listen to country music except for casey musgraves
580
because that shit is good one of my favorite albums of all time golden hour casey musgraves love um anyway
581
but i don't know why i'm saying y 'all but anyway
582
that is all i have for this episode
583
if you enjoyed this advice session new episodes of advice session once a month
584
so you're just gonna have to stay tuned and see
585
when it pops up new episodes of anything goes every thursday anything goes is on the internet in various places
586
that anything goes i'm on the internet and i'm a chamberlain
587
and my coffee company is chamberlain coffee thank you all for listening
588
and hanging out as always it's a pleasure i love getting to hang with you.
589
I hope that you enjoy hanging with me.
590
And if you do, well, I'll talk to you in a week.
591
Love you.
592
Bye.
593
Talk to you later.
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About This Lesson
You're practicing English with "finding comfort in yourself, advice session" using the Shadowing technique — a method originally developed for professional interpreter training.
Focus on sounding like the speaker — not just repeating words. With 15–30 minutes of daily practice, you'll build real-world speaking confidence.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.