Shadowing Practice: are you living for you? - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creating lesson...
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There have been many times in my life where I've found myself feeling really unhappy and not knowing what the issue was,
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but yet knowing that there was an issue.
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And then a few months later, I would discover what the thing was.
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And in many times in my life, I've realized that But in those moments,
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I was feeling unhappy because I was not living life for me.
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I was living life for everyone else and everything else but me.
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I wasn't listening to my own opinions.
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I wasn't making decisions for me.
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Everything I was doing was a product of someone else's ideas as someone else's schedule,
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et cetera, you know,
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and what's really interesting about falling into a phase of not living life for you is that you don't always notice it.
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It happens slowly and it's not obvious.
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this, it's kind of hard to spot.
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And that's why almost every time I've experienced it, I've not realized in the moment that it was happening.
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I've pretty much only ever been able to spot it months later, which is interesting because it's something I'm aware of,
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but yet I can fall into it and not even recognize it when it's happening.
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because it can come in so many shapes and sizes.
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It can come in many different forms.
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You know, it's not always the same twice,
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but it has the same psychological impact and the same terrible feeling.
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When you're living life for someone or something else other than you,
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you can weirdly feel trapped in a way.
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You feel trapped by maybe, well, confined maybe.
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I mean, is trapped and confined the same thing?
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Not really.
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Maybe.
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You can feel sort of confined to some other force and what that's sort of inspiring you to do.
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And it can be really upsetting.
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And so today I wanted to talk about living life for you.
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And I want to discuss some of the sneaky ways
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that you can find yourself in a routine where you're not living for you.
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Discuss some situations that sort of cause this experience.
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Discuss what it can look like.
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Discuss how to get out of it.
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Because when you're living life truly for you and what's right for you,
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it's so freeing you feel free in a way because there are so many things
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pressuring us to to do this and do
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that whether it's someone we know someone we love
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or it's society telling us to do this or that there are
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so many forces coming at us at all times telling us how to do things
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and it can be really hard to not succumb to
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that pressure but we're all extremely capable of just doing shit for us
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because at the end of the day you got to take
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care of yourself first I mean it's kind of like a
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corny Pinterest quote at this point you can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself first.
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But it's really true.
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I have moments when I worry about whether or not my podcast is just like a long version of a Pinterest quote.
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I worry about it.
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I can't sleep some nights over it, but this is my destiny.
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Like I, I'm sorry.
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This is like what my gut wants me to do.
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Okay.
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This is what my gut wants me to talk about.
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I'm sorry.
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And you know what, if I'm fucking corny for it, hands up, I'm guilty.
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If the cringe police show up at my door and take me away,
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I will go to the cringe jail knowing that I did what my gut told me to do.
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Sorry.
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Okay, so let's get into these different scenarios that can cause you to not be living life for you.
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The one that's been the most prevalent in my life is
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the fear of damaging relationships can cause you to get into this routine of doing things for other people.
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For the sake of the relationship, or so you think, in your head, saying yes to everything.
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Like every time you get a text from a friend or from your significant other saying, Hey, are you free tomorrow afternoon?
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Like I want to go shopping.
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In order to say yes to that person, you're canceling all your other plans.
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Because for whatever reason, this relationship means so much to you
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that you will do anything to make sure that it stays preserved.
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Or you may not feel comfortable setting boundaries out of the fear that the relationship will be damaged.
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So let's say, you know, you kind of need space to get some work done.
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Let's say, you know, you're working on something, whether it's a project for work, or maybe it's a creative endeavor,
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or maybe it's school related, like you're studying for tests, whatever it might be.
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you might not feel comfortable setting a boundary with somebody who
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you have a relationship with like a time boundary you know
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like oh I can't hang out with you for the next two weeks
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because I need to just grind on this right you might not feel comfortable making
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that boundary because you're afraid of hurting their feelings or you're afraid of them getting angry and retaliating against you or something.
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And so instead you put yourself out and you don't give yourself that time that you need.
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And you know, you're maybe talking to this person more than you wish you were, or hanging out with this person more than you wish you were.
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Or maybe you participate in activities that you actually don't enjoy in order to please someone that you're in a relationship with.
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Now, when I say relationship, it can be friendship or romantic relationship.
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Keep that in mind.
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But let's say it's a Saturday and your friend really wants to go to a horseback riding competition.
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The truth is you don't give a fuck about horseback riding.
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And to be honest, you have better things to do.
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You need to work on this.
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You need to work on that.
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You haven't hung out with this other friend in a while, but because you're so afraid of damaging your friendship with this person,
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instead of respecting the fact that you don't really want to go and that's okay,
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you force yourself to go because you don't want to damage the relationship or in a more extreme case,
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let's say your friend wants to go to a party that's really crazy.
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And maybe there's going to be some illegal activities going on there.
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Let's say you're not interested in going to this party because you're like, I feel like the cops are going to come.
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Like, this is sketchy.
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I don't want to do this, but your friend's like, no, like we have to go.
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And so you go anyway, and then, you know, while you're there, you're uncomfortable, you're nervous, you're anxious.
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You get what I'm saying here.
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Being a yes man in relationships as a way to preserve the relationship.
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I think this is a great example of not living for you.
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This is an example of living for the people
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that you have relationships with in your life because you want to preserve those relationships.
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And understandably so.
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I mean, one of the most fulfilling parts of life is our relationships with other people.
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And this is something I'm discovering more and more as I grow up.
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Life is really nothing without other people.
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It really, it's nothing.
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Now, that's not to say that being alone sometimes and being independent sometimes is an incredible thing because it is.
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And I'm a big fan of independence and being comfortable alone,
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but it's so understandable to fear damaging relationships because we cherish our relationships in life but when
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We're living in fear of damaging relationships to a point where we're canceling our plans to please others,
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or we're not speaking our mind or standing up for ourselves in order to avoid conflict,
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or we're doing things that don't align with our character in order to,
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you know, please the person that we're in the relationship with, whatever.
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When we start to get to that point, it's just damaging to us,
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but also long -term it's damaging to the relationship as well,
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because not living life for you makes you unhappy,
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which then makes you less enjoyable to be around in a way, right?
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Now, I'm not saying you need to be perfect, happy, go lucky all the time to be a good friend, right?
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Or to be a good significant other or to be a good family member.
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No, we all have our shitty moments, right?
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But it's just ironic that a lot of times we can live for the people that we're in relationships with,
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romantic or not, and not live for ourselves as a way to preserve a relationship,
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but then long -term It just damages the relationship because it's damaging ourself.
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And so it's so important to build the confidence
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and the sense of self in a way to be able to feel confident in our thoughts,
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beliefs, opinions, desires, and to not fear losing someone over those.
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Because the truth is, anyone who doesn't respect your wishes in a way,
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who doesn't respect
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you and what you want to do and your space
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and your time isn't somebody that you really want to be in a relationship with anyway.
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And once you can come to terms with that
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and come to terms with the fact that having this realization may come with losing a few people along the way,
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because some people may not be able to do that.
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Then you can truly have relationships where you have this healthy balance and you're being a good friend,
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significant other, family member, whatever, but also you have a solid sense of self.
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And just because you love them and you appreciate them doesn't mean
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that you agree with everything that they say and want to do everything
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that they want to do and have time to hang out with them 24 -7, right?
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I think the real formula to avoiding this type of situation is to, number one, work on your sense of independence.
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Working on your independence
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is so helpful with this specific situation because independence is a superpower
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because what it does is it allows you to be more picky with who you spend your time with
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because you're okay with having a little moment of loneliness.
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You're okay with having, you know,
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a little period of time where you don't really have people around you who align with you
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because that moments like that are going to happen.
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People are going to come and go out of your life
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and there are going to be these scary moments where you feel kind of alone in a way.
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And that's part of, you know, only keeping the quality people close.
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There are going to be moments of loneliness at times.
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And I think the reason why we become yes men in relationships is because we're scared of that lonely period.
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What would happen if I lost this person?
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Then my circle would get smaller.
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And then what if I lose another person on top of that person?
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And then I'm even more lonely.
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It's this fear of loneliness that creates this issue.
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And so if you can become comfortable with the idea of lonely periods of life, then you're not afraid of standing up for yourself in a relationship.
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You're not afraid of setting boundaries.
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You're not afraid of ruffling someone's feathers a little bit in an innocent way,
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because you're like, well, if they don't respect.
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me, and they don't respect the fact that I'm living for me, then I don't want them in my life anyway.
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You know, the next scenario we're going to be discussing is familial pressure.
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We all have very different dynamics with our family,
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but I would say it's overwhelmingly common to experience a level of familial pressure.
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Although I, I've been really fortunate that I haven't really felt this in my family.
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You know, my parents have always been very relaxed about what I do with my life,
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which is a miracle and is so rare.
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I've had maybe some extended family members have a strong opinion about what I'm doing with my life or,
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you know, maybe criticize something that I'm doing or ask, you know, questions like, why don't, why are you doing this?
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Why aren't you doing this?
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Sure.
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But when it comes to my parents, I've been really lucky, but whether it's your parents or extended family,
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family dynamics are interesting because there's this sort of comfortability that's unique.
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Because in theory, love and family is unconditional.
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Not saying it's always unconditional, but in theory it is,
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which is why there's sometimes this over comfortability in familial relationships,
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because I think people feel the freedom to sort of behave however they want
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because they're not afraid of their granddaughter disowning them.
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You know, they're like, well, but I'm your grandma.
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Like you can't disown me or I'm your mom.
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You can't disown me.
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You know, I'm your dad.
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You can't disown me.
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Like there's a lot of, especially older family members that will look towards the kids and say, you love me unconditionally.
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So So I can kind of say whatever the fuck I want to you and you're going to, and you're going to like it.
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Right.
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And I think that that can be a problem at times
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because family members can feel comfortable to share opinions or expectations
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that they have for other family members that are maybe not cool to share or aren't even appropriate to share.
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I think that this level of comfort and security can cause an incredibly open
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and at times even judgmental dialogue that can sometimes overstep or feel demanding or overly judgmental
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because our family members feel safe to do so.
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I mean, a lot of us have at least one family member who just cannot seem to keep their opinions
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or expectations to themselves.
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Showing up to Thanksgiving like, so let's see a report card.
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Are you going to a really, really expensive school, honey?
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Where are you going to get the money though?
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You don't have a job.
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Where's your job?
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When are you going to get a job?
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When do you have a kids?
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I swear to God, you're, you're literally 20.
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Where's your kids?
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Why aren't you pregnant?
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Where's your husband?
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Where's your wife?
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Okay.
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And you're like, shut the fuck up.
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Like, you know what I mean?
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We all, we actually, I don't know if I really have that.
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I've seen it happen to other people probably more than it's happened to me, but it has probably happened to me.
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You know, like I think it happens to everyone or, you know, some of us might have families that are really successful,
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you know, maybe our parents went to really prestigious colleges and now are doctors and,
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you know, now this sort of, there's this sort of unspoken pressure to follow in your parents' footsteps
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or maybe it's the opposite and maybe our parents didn't go to college and really want you to go to college and,
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and get a certain type of job to sort of break the cycle, whatever it may be.
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There's a lot of pressure that can come from the family, right?
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To live life a certain way, make certain decisions, et cetera.
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And although our families usually mean well and just want the best for us.
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These sorts of conversations can still plant seeds in our head that are somewhat unhealthy for us,
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because a lot of us respect and love our families and want to impress them and make them proud.
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And sometimes our families have a specific idea of what that looks like.
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And so they can start shooting out opinions of what that looks like to you and you're like, listen, I want to impress you, but in my own way.
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And sometimes our family members can't comprehend that.
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I was really fortunate because my parents, the college situation for them was not necessarily super transformative.
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My dad did not graduate.
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My mom went to an art school, I believe.
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And that wasn't really something that, you know, benefited them in their careers.
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I mean, I think it was probably a good experience for them both, but I don't think it really changed their career trajectory.
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But yeah, I mean, I was fortunate
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that my parents never put pressure on me because I don't think they were concerned about upkeeping an image with
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the way I turned out because they don't really care about that.
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Like they don't care about the status of what job you have
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or what college you went to or how much money you have.
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So that wasn't really a concern.
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But again, to not make this all about me, that's not the case for everybody.
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And although I haven't experienced it, you know, I can fully empathize with what that would feel like,
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and I think one must take the advice and the expectations from their family with a grain of salt,
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and to be honest, we should take all advice and all expectations with a grain of salt.
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I don't think that it should be completely ignored, because again, a lot of time our family has our best interests at heart,
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but I think there's a way that you can take the opinions of your family
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and internalize them and analyze them on a personal level and decide whether or not you align with them.
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And instead of feeling like, oh, I have to, I have to go, you know, do exactly what my parents told me to do or what my grandma told me to do or whatever.
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You could say, you know, I really appreciate that they gave me this input, but I am going to go in a different direction.
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And then from that point, you can decide, okay, am I going to go and communicate with my family members and explain what I want to do, why I want to do it and how I'm going to do it?
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Or do I just want to show them one day, You know, keep it kind of to myself for a little while,
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get it worked out, and then present it to them and be like, this is what I'm doing.
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Whatever route you may want to take,
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it's important to do so because the truth is when you're making decisions for other people,
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in your family especially, if you end up unhappy in the situations that you're in,
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that your family's sort of seated in your mind, you're going to end up building resentment towards your family.
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And you're going to end up angry at your family because you're going to be like, you guys steered me wrong.
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I should have gone with my gut.
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And I think long -term for the familial relationship, it is healthier to do what you want to do.
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Even if there's a rough patch in your relationship with your family over the decision to not listen to them, right?
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Not go in the direction they wanted you to go.
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Because the truth is you're the only one living your life.
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They care.
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They want you to listen to whatever.
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But a lot of times they'll kind of get over it eventually because it's not their life.
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And I think a lot of times through communication, you know, a level of understanding can be found with your family.
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But I would also be blissfully ignorant if I didn't mention the potential for serious family conflict, you know?
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I mean, that's absolutely possible.
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There are going to be times when your family really doesn't agree with you, doesn't align with you.
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And there might be times when your relationship with them fizzles over it.
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Now, I will say it's one thing when a family member.
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sort of takes control of a situation in your life when it's like dangerous or toxic.
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I'm not referring to that.
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Like if, if you are doing something with your life that is really damaging or really toxic,
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your family should come in and tell you what the fuck to do
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and be stern with you and be even at times, maybe even mean to you, right?
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Like get in your face and fucking tell you what's up.
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That's one thing, but I'm not talking about that.
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I'm talking about scenarios that are kind of, dare I say, inconsequential.
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Like whether or not you have kids, whether or not you go to college, whether or not you get this job or that job, at the end of the day,
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you know, that's inconsequential to an extent.
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It's not inconsequential.
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That's not the right word.
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It's harmless, right?
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Those are harmless decisions.
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Your family can come in and give you gentle advice and gentle wisdom.
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That's appreciated.
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But, you know, coming in and setting expectations and being judgmental
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and harsh about the way that they portray their vision for your life, that's the damaging thing.
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That's what we're talking about here and family members who tend to lead with this sort of passion,
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uh, tend to be the ones that get upset if you don't listen to them and it can be challenging to navigate,
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but I think it is absolutely worth it because at the end of the day,
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it's your life and you got to do what you got to do to make you feel as fulfilled and
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excited about life as you can.
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Another scenario is succumbing to peer pressure, you know, wanting to fit in,
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wanting to hang with the cool kids or whatever,
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you know, this can cause us to behave in ways that are not organic to us.
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And listen, there are times when in a way peer pressure can be good.
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Okay.
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Like, for example, going out of your comfort zone a little bit, maybe wearing like a cute new dress that you're a little nervous to wear, but that you really like,
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maybe your peer pressured you to wear it
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and you actually ended up feeling really good in it and it made you feel more confident.
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Or let's say, you know, you got peer pressured into trying rock climbing and you didn't really want to do it because you're like, oh, I'm going to look so stupid if I rock climb.
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Like, I don't want to do it.
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But all your friends are like, no, dude, you got to come rock climbing with us.
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It's the best.
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Rock climbing is so fun.
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You got to come.
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And then you end up falling in love with rock climbing.
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Like you see what I'm saying?
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There are times when peer pressure can maybe be a positive thing, but I would say for the most part, it's not.
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I just had to mention at least an example of
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when it can be positive because I don't want to ignore those types of moments.
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But I think the term peer pressure tends to come with a negative connotation.
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I don't think most of us use that term in a glowing way.
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Wanting to fit in and blend in with a group
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and not kill the vibe of a group can cause
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you to prioritize mimicking everyone else's actions instead of actively thinking about what we want to do.
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You know what I'm saying?
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I think there's a lot of pressure a lot of times to not kill the vibe.
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Like, for example, you're at a party, everyone's drinking, someone offers you a drink and you're like, ah, I don't really want to drink.
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And you think that in your head.
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and then you're, you know, everybody's like, no, dude, you have to have a drink, whatever.
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And then you end up succumbing to that pressure because you're like, I don't want to kill the vibe.
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Or let's say all your friends are dressing in a certain type of way.
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Like everybody's, you know, let's say everybody's like loving the, everybody's really 90s.
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Everybody's in like a nineties mode.
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Okay.
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But you're like, I'm not really into the nineties vibe right now.
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Like I just kind of am into a more futuristic aesthetic right now.
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This is so sweet.
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What a stupid example, but you get what I'm saying.
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You get what I'm saying.
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But then, you know, instead of doing your own thing, you'd rather just sort of fit in with the group.
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And maybe your friends are like peer pressuring you to kind of like match with them, you know, whatever.
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Like, oh my God, no, like we are all like on theme and you're like not on theme, bitch, what the fuck?
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You know, that vibe, not that that exact scenario happens, but listen, I do the best I can with my examples here.
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The funny thing about peer pressure is that honestly, what it all comes down to is not wanting to ruin the vibe for everyone else.
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Okay.
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That's like a really, really Gen Z way to put it.
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My Gen Z is showing you don't want to kill the vibe.
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That's why we succumb to peer pressure because we don't want to kill the vibe
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and we want to just fit in and we want to be a part of the group, right?
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The truth is, is that not every environment involves peer pressure.
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When I was in middle school and high school and things like that, I put myself into situations where I felt somewhat peer pressured,
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whether it was to go to a party
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or it was to wear a certain type of clothes
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or it was to have a crush on this boy because everyone else has a crush on this boy, you know, whatever it was like,
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I put myself into scenarios where I was peer pressured.
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I also think it's more common to experience peer pressure in middle school
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and high school than it is to experience in adulthood.
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But I think it absolutely occurs in adulthood.
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You know, like I think a good example of how it could happen to an adult would be, let's say a mom, you know, a new mom just gave birth, right?
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All of her friends have also recently given birth and they're all telling her how to be a mom, right?
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Cause they had kids first.
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So they're all like, okay, well we all put our kids into this preschool
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because this preschool teaches your kid how to do long division at six months,
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years old, six months, years old, long division.
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My kid's going to be so fucking smart, smarter than yours.
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But yeah, put the kid into this preschool and feeding my kid this baby food,
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because I think that this baby food will make my kid the next top model.
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So I'm feeding my kid this fucking baby food.
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And that, you know what I'm saying?
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And then you kind of get peer pressured into doing the same for your child as a mother
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because all your mom friends are telling you, this is what we're doing.
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What are you doing?
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And then you're like, well, I don't know.
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I haven't really thought about it.
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And you're like, oh, you know, they're like, well, you should be doing it like this.
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And then you're like, well, but I was actually thinking about putting my kid into this preschool
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and feeding my kid this type of food because of these reasons.
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And then they're like, what?
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Oh, you can't.
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You know what I'm saying?
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It happens no matter what age you are.
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I mean, I think the older you get, the less it occurs.
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But, you know, all of this to say, these types of environments are avoidable.
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And I think when you find yourself in a place where you're experiencing peer pressure,
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The first step is to analyze whether or not you even really enjoy being around the people that are peer pressuring you.
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That's the first thing to ask yourself.
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And I think most of the time you're going to discover, wait a minute.
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I don't even really think these are good people to be around.
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I don't think these are good influences on me, but maybe you're allowing yourself to be peer pressured.
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Like maybe no one's really even pressuring you.
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to do anything, but rather you are almost pressuring yourself in a way.
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Like for example, you're at a party, somebody comes up and says, Hey, do you want a drink?
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And you say, yeah, because you don't want to kill the vibe.
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When in reality, if you would have said, Oh no, thanks.
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They would have been like, Oh yeah, no problem.
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You see what I'm saying?
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So the first step is to figure out if it's you or if it's the environment,
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are you pressuring yourself based on your peers or are your peers literally pressuring you?
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Okay.
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That's step one.
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And then step two, I think is finding confidence in certainty in who you are
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and what you want to do with yourself, you know, and finding confidence in that in some way.
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And that's challenging.
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I would say the way that I've done that in my life is through experimenting in a way,
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you know, kind of testing the waters in moments when
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I might feel sort of peer pressured in some way to do something.
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I've taken small steps over time to sort of fight against it
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and be like no i don't want to drink or no i don't want to
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dress like you guys or no i don't want to be friends with these people or no, I don't want to have a crush on the same guy as all of you, you know, whatever it might be.
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Like I've slowly but surely practiced being honest and not succumbing to the pressure.
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And over time, what I've discovered is that only good things come from it.
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Either one, I find out
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that someone I'm hanging around with is probably not a good influence on me
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and they're not a good friend and I don't really want to be friends with them anymore.
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Or I discover, wait a minute, this person actually respects me even more now because I have a different point of view.
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I'm at a place now where I think it's cooler when I see someone not succumb to peer pressure.
405
You know, when someone says, eh, that's not my thing.
406
I don't want to do that.
407
Or I don't like that or whatever it might be.
408
Like, that's cool to me.
409
Like, when I see that from across the room, I see someone stand firm in themselves.
410
I'm like, fuck, that's cool.
411
Like, I think it's cool.
412
It's really overall a positive thing.
413
It either weeds out the fakes or it grows respect for you in others.
414
And most importantly, it also helps you build respect for yourself.
415
Now, this is one of those scenarios where it's like, what came first, the chicken or the egg, right?
416
Did the self -respect that you developed help you fight peer pressure or did you develop self -respect through combating peer pressure?
417
I think it's a combination of both.
418
I think you need a little bit of self -respect and a little bit of confidence to start
419
standing up for yourself and standing firm in what you want to do.
420
But then I think what comes once you start doing
421
that is even more self -respect and self -confidence because you start to realize,
422
wow, this actually makes people appreciate me even more.
423
And I get to just be myself and do what I want to do with my life.
424
And it's only making my relationships higher quality and my life higher quality.
425
What a beautiful thing.
426
Another scenario is doing things out of competitiveness.
427
Now this is one of the examples of not living for you that's interesting
428
because it's not like a person is the root of the issue.
429
It's not like there's one person or even a handful of people
430
that are causing you to not live for you and to instead live for them.
431
This is one of those scenarios that are more complex because you're living for a thing more.
432
I don't, how do I even explain it?
433
Well, I'll just try my best.
434
Sometimes we can live to win instead of living for ourselves.
435
We can live to be the best instead of living for ourselves.
436
Because living to win in some way doesn't mean being happy.
437
It just means being the best.
438
Now that means something different for everyone.
439
What the best means is different for everyone.
440
It might have something to do with fame.
441
It might have something to do with wealth.
442
status, whatever, but living to win is not living for you because usually it makes you unhappy.
443
And the whole point of living for you is to try to live the most enjoyable, fulfilling, rewarding life you can.
444
Now we live in a pretty competitive society.
445
Everybody's competing to go to the best college.
446
Everybody's competing to get the best job.
447
Everybody's competing to make the most money.
448
Everyone's competing to be the most famous.
449
Some of us see life as a competition and we want to be the richest,
450
most famous, most respectable person we possibly can be.
451
And sometimes out of the desire to feel.
452
like a winner, or to feel better than others.
453
You may take shortcuts or hurt people on the way to reaching some sort of higher status.
454
If you believe that these things have value, these things being, you know, fame, wealth, money, status, whatever.
455
And that's what I mean by not living for you.
456
Like living for you means doing things that align with you morally, doing things that make you feel good.
457
But when you're living to win, you might take shortcuts.
458
You might hurt people on the way to the top because you're living just to win.
459
My dad and I were actually talking this morning about how he never chose a high -paying job
460
because those jobs never allowed him to have any flexibility in his schedule.
461
He was more focused on finding a job that gave him the schedule that would allow him to pursue
462
other things in life, whether that was creative endeavors or a stronger relationship with me,
463
he chose to make not a lot of money in exchange for a happier life
464
because out of everyone on the planet that I know,
465
my dad lives for him and to him being,
466
you know, the wealthiest brother out of his three brothers,
467
being the wealthiest guy on the block in our neighborhood didn't matter to him because to him,
468
happiness and fulfillment was the number one priority.
469
And so he was living for him by choosing not to work a higher paying job
470
so that he could have flexibility in his life, even if it meant that he had to sacrifice other things.
471
And I think he's a great example of not living to win
472
because the truth is living to win a lot of times makes you lose because you aren't as fulfilled in your life.
473
Living for you is winning.
474
Doing what you want to do is winning.
475
I don't want to be mistaken
476
when I say people who live in a state of competitiveness are living to win and be taken literally because
477
somebody who's in that mindset believes that they're living to win when in reality they are not.
478
Does that make sense?
479
I'm not saying that I believe that that is how you win in life.
480
I'm saying that that is what is believed by the person with that mindset.
481
I think competitiveness can make you blind to your own morals at times, whether it's something small,
482
like kicking someone's leg in a soccer game and like breaking their knee on purpose because you're feeling competitive or it's,
483
you know, creating a business and treating your employees like shit, like whatever it might be.
484
I think a lot of people can turn a blind eye to their morals
485
when they're feeling competitive because it just makes you blind sometimes.
486
I think if you're in a place where you're sort of living in this competitive space and you're not living for you,
487
you're living to win, the only thing you can do to sort of turn that off is to really,
488
really work on your priorities.
489
And it's so hard because shifting your priorities,
490
oh, it's fucking tough and I don't judge people who are living in a competitive mindset.
491
Listen, there's a priority imbalance, but it's something that's challenging to fix.
492
And so in a lot of ways,
493
I feel for people who are experiencing this specific scenario because it's so hard to turn off.
494
And we've sort of been conditioned to see wealth in status
495
and fame and fortune as being something that signifies winning in life, that makes you feel fulfilled,
496
that makes you feel whole in some way.
497
And the truth is it doesn't do that.
498
It's shockingly less fulfilling than you would expect.
499
And a lot of people who are living in this mindset will find that out the hard way.
500
And it would have been much easier.
501
to make decisions based on what was going to make you feel most fulfilled.
502
Now, it's also complicated because maybe going to a prestigious college will actually make you feel fulfilled.
503
Maybe that is living for you.
504
Maybe getting a really challenging job is what will make you the most happy.
505
Maybe, but I think there's a lot of people who push towards those things When in reality,
506
those aren't the things that are actually going to make them happy.
507
Next, I think a lot of us feel the pressure to live life a certain way because
508
we experience a lot of societal pressures telling us how to live our lives.
509
Okay, we go to school, we go to college, we get a job, we get married, we have kids,
510
we die and it's picture perfect and everyone's happy and life goes on.
511
Well, no, I guess life doesn't go on because you die after that point.
512
And I think a lot of us feel the pressure to live to accomplish that specific goal.
513
I think a lot of us feel the pressure to live to fill that mold.
514
And as much as I think there is some value to that trajectory, it's kind of like the obvious trajectory,
515
you know, as much as I think
516
that it can be valuable for some people and it can be a positive experience and a positive path for people, I think that
517
it can also be damaging to an extent because we're sort of trained to believe that if we don't follow that trajectory, that we failed.
518
And there are going to be a lot of people who
519
truly live life for themselves and follow this trajectory because it's the obvious way to go.
520
It's the comfortable way to go at times.
521
And it can be a really fulfilling way to go, right?
522
But I think the key to having a healthy relationship with
523
this societal pressure to to follow the life trajectory is to put it into context.
524
Like, yes, this is a generic, possibly very positive mold to follow, but it's optional.
525
I feel like a lot of us look at it as mandatory, but the truth is it's optional and we can mold it
526
and change it and do it a little different to make it our own.
527
We could throw the whole thing in the trash and go a complete opposite direction, yeah, it's a decent guideline to have there,
528
but it basically means nothing and you can do whatever you want.
529
I think once you have that perspective on it
530
and you can look at it as something that's just an example of how you can live your life, just an example, it's not a rule book,
531
it's not even a guideline, it's just an example.
532
If you can look at it like that, then I think you can appreciate it for what it does offer, you know, because like there are things about it that are,
533
I mean, it's so simple.
534
It's like the, the sort of trajectory is so simple.
535
It's like school, college, work, family die, right?
536
That seems so simple.
537
It doesn't seem that hard to follow, but there are some people who don't want to go to
538
college where there are some people who don't want to get married.
539
There are some people who want to get married later in life.
540
There are some people who want to have kids later in life, adopt kids later in life.
541
There are some people who just want to have dogs instead of having kids, whatever.
542
There are some people that want to graduate early from high school like I did
543
and do something completely random with their life.
544
You know what I mean?
545
I'm able to now see the value in this example
546
because I'm not looking at it as a mandatory guideline in my life.
547
I think there's a lot of resentment that grows towards this sort of mold
548
because a lot of us feel pressure to fit ourselves into it.
549
But I think once you can just look at it simply as an example.
550
you can actually healthily analyze it as an option and figure out what you really want to do for you.
551
Because once you look at it as just an example, you can decide whether or not it works for you
552
or how you can tweak it to make it work for you or how you can go in a completely different direction.
553
And I know that...
554
Sometimes it's more than just a societal pressure to follow that trajectory.
555
I mean, as we mentioned earlier, the familial pressures can definitely relate here because a lot of times our families will tell us, well, when are you getting married?
556
Where are you, when are you going to college?
557
When are you going to have a kid?
558
You know, um, and that complicates things,
559
but it's a process of reframing the way we look at societal pressures
560
and instead of looking at them as a mandatory mold, instead, just looking at them as an example, that's it.
561
It's a matter of unlearning this societal pressure completely and realizing that it means nothing.
562
And that's really challenging because when something has been shown to you since you were a child in movies, in real life, et cetera,
563
it can be so hard to then unlearn it because it's just been a part of your life forever.
564
It's so hard to unlearn something that's been in your mind since you were a child, but it can be done.
565
And I did it.
566
It was challenging though, because I was so dead set on like fulfilling this trajectory.
567
School, college, job, kids, family, whatever, die.
568
And I ended up not going to college.
569
You know, I have kind of an unusual job that's not like a traditional job job, I would like to have kids and have a family,
570
but that's kind of the only part of the trajectory that I stuck to traditionally.
571
Right.
572
And there was a lot of doubt when I was going off track a little, because I was like, this is risky.
573
Like, this is scary.
574
This is bad.
575
I'm like, you know, I'm going to get screwed over it, like one false move and I'm gonna get screwed over.
576
The truth is that's not really true.
577
Like you're gonna be okay.
578
You don't need to go to a four year college to succeed in life.
579
I feel like we're taught from a young age that if we don't sort of follow this guideline perfectly,
580
that we're gonna just end up with zero dollars in the bank account, you know, and, and listen, that's possible.
581
Don't get me wrong, but you can totally make shit work.
582
Like you can make it work no matter what you don't
583
need to go to a four -year college to succeed in life.
584
You don't need to have kids to feel fulfilled in life.
585
I mean, there's so many different ways to live life.
586
And last but not least, living for the internet.
587
I saved this for last because I love talking about the internet.
588
It's my favorite topic.
589
a lot of us are living for the internet.
590
Okay.
591
A lot of us.
592
And listen, I'm guilty of this.
593
I am guilty of this.
594
When I used to film my day -to -day life for YouTube, I found myself living for the internet, not living for me.
595
I found myself doing things for the sake of a video, doing things for the sake of Instagram.
596
I was not living for me.
597
I was living for the internet.
598
I think we feel a pressure to present ourselves in a certain way on the internet
599
because it's such a powerful way to represent our personalities.
600
But I think when this can turn sour is when we're participating in activities that are not organic to us.
601
We're not doing things that we would normally do.
602
We're doing things just for the sake of how it will look online.
603
You know, for example, people will go on vacations just for the sake of social media.
604
People will hang out with people that they don't even really like just for the sake of social media.
605
I mean, this is probably more prevalent with people who consider themselves to be influencers,
606
whatever that means anymore, says me, but whatever.
607
But I think it's prevalent across the board.
608
And I think the key to turning that off is to make it a rule in your mind that.
609
You will live for you first, live for the phone, and live for the camera second.
610
Every time you do something that you're going to document,
611
ask yourself, am I doing this for me or am I doing this for the camera?
612
because it is not fun to live a fake life for the internet.
613
It is not fun because there have been moments when I've done things just for the sake of Instagram.
614
Like I've worn a certain outfit and gone to a certain park just for the sake of Instagram to get a photo.
615
There have been times when, you know, I've ordered a fancy,
616
like, aesthetically pleasing food item at a restaurant for the sake of Instagram.
617
Now, these are not things I've done that many times, but I've definitely done it before.
618
I had a phase in my life when I definitely did that.
619
And I would say now I'm happily in a place where I live for me first and for the camera a second.
620
And there are still things that are fun to document and
621
that are beautiful to look at and that are exciting to see.
622
They might not be as aesthetically pleasing.
623
They might not be as perfect, but they're a true representation or a truer representation of my life.
624
And they don't get in the way of me living my life.
625
Like I'm living my life for me first, not for the phone first, not for the camera first.
626
And that makes life so much more enjoyable because it's
627
so much more enjoyable to go out and have a picnic with foods that you really like, even if that's a fucking smucker's uncrustable.
628
Okay.
629
Not very aesthetic, but it's so much more enjoyable to go out and, and do that than to go out and buy foods that are overpriced that you didn't even really,
630
you don't even really like anyway, just for an Instagram photo.
631
And that's the goddamn truth.
632
that's all I have for today.
633
Living for you.
634
It's a lot easier said than done.
635
And I struggle with this to this day, and I will probably struggle with this on and off for the rest of my life.
636
But I think just being aware of it and being mindful of it is a really, really impactful thing.
637
So that's all we have for today.
638
Thank you so much for listening and hanging out.
639
I really, as always appreciate it so much.
640
And I love the time that we spend together.
641
And I love the time that we just get to hang and talk.
642
It is such a pleasure.
643
And if you want to tune in to future episodes, new episodes, every Thursday and Sunday,
644
you can follow Anything Goes on Instagram at Anything Goes or on Twitter at AG Podcast.
645
You can follow me at Emma Chamberlain on Instagram.
646
you can check out my coffee company Chamberlain Coffee I didn't really drink any of my coffee today
647
I don't know why just like
648
well I did it as my third today so maybe I'm just kind of slowing down but anyway
649
you can check out my coffee company chamberlaincoffee .com at chamberlaincoffee on Instagram
650
delicious coffee I mean cute little accessories check it out.
651
If you like coffee or tea, you can also use code AG 15 for a little discount, special anything goes listener and discount.
652
Okay.
653
Whatever.
654
Um, and that's all I have to discuss today.
655
Thank you again for hanging out.
656
I love and appreciate all of you very, very much and can't wait to talk in a few days.
657
All right.
658
TTYL talk to you later.
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About This Lesson
You're practicing English with "are you living for you?" using the Shadowing technique — a method originally developed for professional interpreter training.
Focus on sounding like the speaker — not just repeating words. With 15–30 minutes of daily practice, you'll build real-world speaking confidence.
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | have been · I've realized · I've experienced |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | is trapped · will be damaged · were concerned |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | later, which is · anyone who doesn · people who live |
| Past continuous was/were + -ing — an action in progress at a moment in the past | was not living · was living · wasn't listening |
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.