Shadowing Practice: underestimated relationship red flags - Learn English Speaking with Video
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So I got into my first real relationship when I was 17.
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And I say real relationship because technically I had a boyfriend in fifth grade, but I don't even think we hugged.
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Maybe we hugged once.
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And if we did, I can almost guarantee we ran away from each other immediately after,
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like ran away and didn't talk again for like two days.
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So I don't really count that one.
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I got into my first real relationship at age 17.
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And since then, I've been dating pretty consistently.
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Like I've been in a lot of relationships since with not much hiatus in between.
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And so it's safe to say I've had a good amount of experience.
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Not a lot.
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I'm a young person, but it's been like seven years straight of dating.
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And you know what those seven years have taught me?
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A lot of dating red flags.
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Okay.
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A lot of relationship red flags.
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I feel like I've seen it all and I know
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that I haven't but it feels like I have okay
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and here's the deal I know the truth of the matter is you have to touch the stove to learn
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that it's hot like I could sit here
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and tell you all the things to avoid in dating and relationships
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and chances are you're gonna have to go experience
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it yourself to learn the lesson yourself that's just how it is however today
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I'm going to be sharing with you all of the relationship
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and dating red flags that I've learned over the past seven years,
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because I wish I had a podcast episode to listen to back then when I needed it.
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Not so that I wouldn't make the mistakes, but so that the seed would be planted in my brain, right?
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Because when you make the mistakes yourself, a lot of times you'll make the mistakes multiple times.
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But when there's a seed planted in the back of your head and you know what to look for, you'll probably still make the mistake once,
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but you're not going to make it like three, four or five times.
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If you're learning for the first time, you might make the mistake more times than necessary before you learn the lesson.
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Do you know what I'm saying?
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Actually, I don't want to say more times than necessary because I think there is no right amount of making mistakes.
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Like there's no right or wrong amount of making mistakes.
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As long as you learn eventually, that's all we can strive for.
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But if somebody had planted a seed in my brain back in the day, I would have avoided a lot of pain and heartbreak.
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Okay, so today I'm going to be sharing with you all of my dating
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and relationship red flags that I've learned over the years for the most part through my own trial and error,
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but also through the trial and error of my friends
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and the people around me because I've seen my friends and loved ones go through some bullshit as well.
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So these aren't just lessons I learned from me, but also from those in my life.
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And I also have to say before I begin that to some of you, these red flags might seem painfully obvious.
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Like, why are you even mentioning that red flag?
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It's so obvious.
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Let me tell you, in relationships, for some of us, we can become completely aloof to what's going on.
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Like, common sense out the window.
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I think I'm a pretty smart person.
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And listen, not everyone agrees, okay?
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I've read the comments.
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Some people think I'm very stupid.
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I think I'm a smart person.
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I think I'm sharp.
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I think I don't put up with a lot of bullshit.
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Actually, that's not true.
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I can be a yes man sometimes, less so now.
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Used to be more, less so now.
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But I think I'm pretty sharp, okay?
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And things don't go over my head that easily.
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However, relationships have tested that belief about myself
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because I've really let shit slide in relationships
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that like in romantic relationships specifically
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that i wouldn't let slide in any other area of my life it's
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so bizarre how common sense really just goes out the window
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when you're in a relationship it does and and that's nothing to feel bad about it completely makes sense because
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you know you're you're excited you're in love you feel comfortable
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and safe you finally found a partner you don't want to screw
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it up you don't want to be overly you know analytical about it
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You don't want to be overly critical about it because you don't want it to go away.
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You know, you're enjoying it and it feels safe
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and it feels comfortable and you don't want to rock the boat consciously and subconsciously, you know?
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Anyway, without further ado, let's begin.
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Now back to the episode.
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This first red flag really blew my mind.
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It really blew my mind when I discovered it.
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I believe it's a red flag when there are no disagreements or respectful, healthy fights.
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I actually think that's a red flag, which I know to some of you, this is like, what?
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What are you talking about?
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Like, ideally, you're not fighting in a relationship.
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Yeah, that's what I thought.
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I've been in relationships where there were no conflicts, no arguments, barely any butting heads at all.
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And at the time, I thought to myself, wow, like, we're an anomaly.
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We're so healthy.
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How is everyone else not like this.
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Like, this is so easy.
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Look, we're not fighting.
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We're not.
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You want to know what was going on?
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We didn't even know each other that well.
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We knew each other well.
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We were dating.
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We spent a lot of time together, but we never got down to the thick of it.
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We weren't discussing our philosophies about life.
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We weren't discussing serious, heavy, important topics.
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We weren't showing our true full range of emotion to each other.
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We were hiding bits and pieces of ourselves to make ourselves look and seem more perfect to one another.
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We were only sharing like 50 % of ourselves to each other.
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And that's why we weren't fighting.
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That's why we weren't butting heads.
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Because everything was surface level.
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Everything was light.
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Everything was fun.
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And in theory, you know, that that sounds nice, but that's not a real relationship.
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That's not a real partnership.
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And here's the thing, like people want different things out of relationships.
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And I can imagine that there's a world where someone wants something more surface level.
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However, that's not what I want in a partnership, I want somebody who's going to challenge me.
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I want somebody who's going to hold me to a standard that forces me to improve as a person, not in a toxic way,
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but in like a self -betterment way, in like a self -improvement sort of way, in a net positive sort of way.
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I want somebody who's not going to be a yes man with me,
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who's not just going to say yes to me so that there is no conflict.
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I want a real back and forth because that's what makes a relationship valuable.
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Relationships at their best force both people involved, sometimes uncomfortably, to become better.
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And it's possible, but it's only possible through uncomfortable moments.
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There are times when you learn from each other and it's beautiful and it's easy and it's comfortable.
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But for the most part,
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what I've experienced is growth as an individual because of a relationship is almost always due to some sort of discomfort.
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Like if I were to look at my relationships that I've had,
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I've learned the most, I've improved the most as a person through being confronted uncomfortably by the person.
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And it fucking sucks.
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It's not fun.
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Sometimes it leads to a fight, sometime or whatever but like that is what gives relationships depth like
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if you are being your truest most honest self
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if you are discussing your deepest most honest thoughts
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and the same is happening on the other side eventually you will butt heads
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if you're spending every day together because you're dating
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and you're spending an ample amount of time together you'll probably end up butting heads.
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Do you see what I'm saying?
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It's a red flag to me if you're not.
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I also think it's almost like what came first, the chicken or the egg.
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Okay.
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Like if you're not fighting, it means you're not sharing all of yourself with the other person.
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And so the relationship isn't going to be that deep.
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But also if you aren't fighting and then resolving it, your relationship can't get deeper.
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Do you see what I'm saying?
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So it's like, you need that conflict resolution to get closer as a couple as well, because a bit of grit,
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a bit of tension, and then overcoming that, it builds a stronger bond.
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But also, if you're not creating an environment where a bit of tension is welcome and safe,
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both members of the relationship are going to be walking on
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eggshells all the time trying to avoid any sort of disruption in a relationship i don't think that's healthy
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and some people might disagree with me but i don't think that that's healthy the realization that a bit of arguing, a bit of respectful fighting,
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a bit of healthy debate is normal, is healthy, is honestly a green flag, blew my mind.
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Okay, this blew my mind.
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It blew my mind.
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And I wish I would have noticed that earlier on
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because I've spent a lot of time in relationships where things were almost like eerily calm.
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And in retrospect, it's so clear to me, like the relationship wasn't deep at all.
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There was no substance.
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It was so unfulfilling because there was no substance.
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And I kept asking myself, like, why does this feel so unfulfilling?
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Why do I not feel close to this person?
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Why do I always feel like there's a gap between us?
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It's because we weren't sharing our truest selves with each other and thus.
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But I think the not fighting is a very obvious red flag, you know, like that's something that is easy to notice.
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much easier to notice than like, oh, are we being fully 100 % ourselves with each other?
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It's like hard to tell, you know, but whether or not you're fighting, again, respectfully, I think is an interesting red flag.
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But that's also, you know, that leads me to the next red flag, which this is like obvious, but fighting can also be bad, right?
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Like, if the fighting is non -communicative, if it's not constructive, if you aren't listening to each other,
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if you're just fighting for the for the sake of fighting, if hurtful things are being said and there's no apologies.
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I mean, fighting can also be a huge red flag.
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So it's complicated, right?
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Because there's a fine line between fighting that's OK and fighting that's a severe red flag.
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But I think you have to ask yourself, am I being listened to?
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Do I feel respected even though I'm being confronted or there's an argument?
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Do I feel respected?
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If something is said that's out of line, am I being apologized to?
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And, you know, vice versa, check on yourself, make sure you have all of that under control on your end.
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It's complicated.
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But who would have thought I'd be here sitting and saying fighting,
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actually, respectful fighting might be a green flag and not fighting at all is a red flag.
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Who would have thought?
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Who would have thought I'd be sitting here and saying that?
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I wouldn't have thought that a few years ago.
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That's for sure.
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Okay.
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Moving on.
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I believe it's a red flag when you think about your partner 24 seven
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and you love them so much that it causes you deep, deep, overwhelming anxiety because you don't know how you live without them.
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And you feel overwhelmed with love in a dormant and you just can't even handle it.
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Like you're so overwhelmed listen if you're feeling like
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that in like the first I don't know like six months you're in the honeymoon phase like whatever enjoy it
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if this continues like a year in two years in I think it's a red flag
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because you know what this tells me it tells me
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that the partner who's feeling the overwhelming love and anxiety
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and adornment and obsession is feeling that way because their partner is still an illusion to them,
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is a bit disconnected from them, is a bit standoffish.
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There's a wall between the partners.
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There's a space between.
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There's not a real level of emotional intimacy.
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And so the partner feeling the obsession and the love
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and the anxiety and the adornment is feeling that way because their partner is still not fully theirs.
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Number one, they don't understand who their partner is.
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Like they're not fully connected to their partner.
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They don't fully know who their partner is because there's some walls up.
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So they're still filling in the blanks with their imagination.
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And whenever you fill in the blanks about a person with your imagination, they're going to seem a lot better than they actually are,
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which kind of puts them on a pedestal.
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Okay.
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So that's number one.
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Number two, if your partner has a wall up, you're not going to be able to fully feel like you're in a safe relationship that's mutual.
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You're going to feel like, oh, I'm constantly still chasing after this person because, well, you're not really chasing after the person,
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but you're trying to break that wall down so that you can be close.
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And you're constantly going to be chasing that feeling.
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You're going to be chasing the closeness, trying to chip away at that wall.
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And I feel like the chipping away at the wall is almost like representative of the obsession
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and the anxiety and the in the love
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and the you're chipping away at this wall
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that has like a cement backing that will just never ever come down
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and so but you're so determined you're like trying trying trying
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and it's not working but you're like convinced
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that you'll get there one day and the focusing on trying to break that wall down makes you obsessed, makes you anxious.
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Do you know what I'm saying?
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To me, it is a huge red flag when a partner feels that sort of level of obsession and love and anxiety.
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And like, I don't even know what I would do without them.
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It's because the whole situation is delusional due to the lack of connection.
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And this one I've experienced personally.
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So no one can tell me I'm wrong because I've experienced this.
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This one's very deeply personal for me.
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And I wouldn't say I was like obsessed, but in one of the relationships I was in, I spent 24 hours a day,
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seven days a week, freaking out that my partner didn't love me as much as I love them.
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Freaking out about what would happen if they left and feeling like I wouldn't be able to survive.
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Putting this person on a pedestal because I didn't really know who they were.
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So I had to imagine a bunch of things up and I imagined them to be this amazing thing that they weren't.
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But that made me even more obsessed and in love and whatever, because they were my creation in that way, you know?
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And in retrospect, I didn't feel safe in that relationship.
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I didn't feel like it was reciprocal.
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I didn't feel like they were opening up to me.
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I didn't feel like I even really knew them.
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You know what I mean?
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But it weirdly manifested in like, I don't like to use the word obsession because that makes it sound like a bit kookier than it was,
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but it was sort of an obsession.
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And I can say that now because,
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you know, I've been in relationships since where I'm not anxious about my partner because I know who they are.
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And I feel like our love is reciprocal and nothing about it is in my imagination.
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It's all in reality so I don't need to obsess over it
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because it's all good okay the next red flag I kind of already mentioned
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but we're going to dig into it
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when you put your partner on a pedestal you think they're
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so cool you think they're amazing you you're even maybe a little bit intimidated by them
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because they're so fucking cool red flag red flag again it goes back to not knowing who this person is
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if you think that your partner's the coolest person on the planet that's
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because they're only showing probably 40 to 50 percent of themselves
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you have no clue who they are they are not being fully themselves around you human beings are not
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that cool i'm sorry
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you could take who's like a cool person on the internet let's think like a cool hot person like
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like austin butler okay the actor who's like handsome and talks like elvis okay
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If you were to hang out with Austin Butler and Austin Butler, who seems so suave and so cool,
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if you were to hang out with him and date him, right, for a year, and he was fully himself with you,
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by the end of that year, you'd be like, I'm immune to this person now.
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Like, they're not too cool for me.
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They're not blah, blah, blah.
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This is a human being who shits and farts and cries and does cringe stuff.
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Like, you just don't—you take them off the pedestal
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if both partners are fully being themselves no one's intimidated by
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the other no one feels like anyone's cooler than the other it's one thing to like admire your partner
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and and think that they're incredible
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and be a fan in a way
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it's another thing to like put them on a pedestal above
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you that's the red flag you should admire your partner you should
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but i think putting up on a pedestal is a red flag.
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Because if you feel like they're better than you, a power imbalance will form, okay?
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Where because you think your partner's so much cooler than you, you'll just kind of let them get away with anything.
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And so that's another complication of this, you know?
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Next, another red flag would be if coincidentally, since you started dating your partner,
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you've become less creative, less artistic, less adventurous.
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This can happen sneakily.
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You might be in a relationship that you think is going great.
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You're in love.
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You think you're happy.
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You think everything's going well.
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You're not fighting.
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You're getting along great, but you're less inspired.
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Now, I do think that this can happen in the honeymoon phase because you're consumed by your new love,
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you know, and that sort of becomes your hobby for a little
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while but if like a year goes by
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and you just don't feel creative in the same way
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you used to be you don't feel inspired you feel sort of stuck
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but you can't really figure out why it's
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because your relationship is not uplifting you your relationship is not inspiring
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you your partner without even you realizing it is in some way
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and it might be subtle but is in some way bringing you down
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And I know it seems obvious, but I promise you it is not always obvious.
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I've experienced this where I've dated people and thought, this is going great.
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But meanwhile, I've completely lost my creativity.
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I've completely lost my inspiration for life.
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And it's like confusing because it's like, wait, but things are going well.
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Like, why is this happening?
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In retrospect, I'm able to see now that the reason why that happened was because number one,
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I didn't feel 1000 % supported by that particular partner that I was with during that time.
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I didn't feel like they respected me creatively.
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I don't feel like they respected me as a person even like I didn't feel like they fully respected me
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when it came to the things that I did in my life.
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Does that make sense? like I felt like they were judging me a little bit.
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And it wasn't glaringly obvious.
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It was so subtle that that's what made it so sinister.
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It was like, or not even sinister, but that's what made it so sneaky.
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Like, I just didn't feel like they were on my team 100%.
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I felt like there was a little bit of maybe at times like a bit of competition,
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but it was so subtle that I barely picked up on it
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and I didn't really realize it until the relationship was over
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and suddenly I had like this explosion of creativity
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and I was like what and again now I'm able to realize it's
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because I felt a bit judged by my partner at the time
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I felt I also felt drained by the relationship too I was spending
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so much energy trying to break down their metaphorical wall right
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because they had sort of a wall up and weren't fully being themselves and weren't really very vulnerable with me,
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but I was super vulnerable with them and, but they weren't really reciprocating that.
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And so I was in the super vulnerable place, but they were all locked up and weren't giving me a lot of reassuring action.
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So I was spending all of my free time trying to figure out if they even liked me,
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you know, trying to figure out if the feelings were reciprocal,
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trying to break down that wall and find out who my partner really was in a way, how they really felt on the inside.
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What was tender and soft in there?
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I was trying to find it.
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And that was taking so much of my time
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and was stressing me out so much that I didn't have any time
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or energy to be creative or to be inspired in my own personal life because I was trying to figure them out.
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Now let's get back to the episode.
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Okay, moving on.
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Another red flag.
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If you're too afraid to tell your partner anything, and I mean anything, that's a red flag.
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Now, again, some people might disagree and say, your partner doesn't need to know everything.
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I agree that your partner doesn't necessarily need to know everything.
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You don't need to bring your partner in on every single
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challenge or struggle in your life or every reality in your life necessarily
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but I think a partnership is a partnership right like you should feel comfortable telling your partner almost everything
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if not everything like 99 % of things again my opinion
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but I've been in relationships where I literally was
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so afraid I'll actually tell a story so I had a little single era before I got into a relationship.
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And in that little single era, I really wanted to try to like have casual sex because it's something I hadn't really done before.
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And I just wanted to see how it felt.
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And so I hooked up with some people
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that you wouldn't probably imagine me to be with it's like not my style um
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and by that i mean like kind of douchey like cool guy not like cool guy
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but like yeah like kind of maybe a bit douchey like cockier sort of guys that get a lot of girls.
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Like I went for that.
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Like not super respectful even necessarily.
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No. Well, yeah.
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It just like wasn't the vibe that you would imagine me going for as like a very relationship driven, long -term relationship driven girl, right?
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It was a little bit unexpected, but it was an experimentation.
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And following that experience of kind of hooking up with a few sort of douchey -ish sort of guys, I got into a relationship.
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And, you know, I live in Los Angeles.
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Everybody knows everyone in LA.
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Turns out, you know, the guy I started dating really didn't like those boys that I had hooked up with.
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And again, because LA is very, it's shockingly small, that came up a few times.
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And for the entire relationship, I literally couldn't sleep at night,
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thinking about what would happen if he found out that I had hooked up with those guys in the past.
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Like actually could not, I could not sleep.
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There were nights where I literally was laying next to him, staring at the ceiling, freaking the fuck out.
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But because I was like, I know he's going to judge me.
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He'll probably break up with me.
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In retrospect, I'm like, what? that is so dark.
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Like in a real healthy relationship, that's something that can be talked through.
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That's a story that should be told.
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Do you know what I'm saying?
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I should not have been staying up at night afraid of telling him or afraid of him finding out.
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I can't even tell you how many hours I wasted on that.
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Such a fucking stupid, such a red flag to be that afraid of your partner finding out about something that like,
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isn't that big of a deal because you think they'll judge you you think
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that they're not going to accept you that is a red flag
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if you're not certain
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that your partner will be able to accept
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you as it's who you really are red flag red mother
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effing flag okay next another red flag love at first sight hear me out do i think
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there is love at first sight of course i think there are absolutely moments
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when like you know you see somebody and you're like, I'm down.
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Like I'm interested.
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They seem awesome.
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And then you start dating and then it goes, and then it's happily ever after.
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Like, do I think that that happens?
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Yes.
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However, love at first sight to me is a teensy bit delusional.
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It's a little bit delusional.
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Most of the time, I think there are rare occasions where it's not, but I, I, I think a lot of times it's,
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it's delusional because here's the truth of the matter, right? people are
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so complicated people are like never -ending onions okay you keep peeling back the layers
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and then there's more there's more to discover
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if you think you experience love at first sight like
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if you experience love at first sight and it genuinely works out it's
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because of luck you got really lucky because you judge somebody based on their first your first experience with them.
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And then they ended up actually clicking with you long term, even as you were both peeling back your onions,
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if you will, okay, in revealing new layers of yourself over and over and over again.
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Like, I think more often than not, with relationships, like, you start out by meeting somebody, you become friends.
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And then slowly but surely, as you get to know them better,
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your feelings really form for them over time because you slowly but surely reveal that you're really compatible.
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Do you know what I'm saying?
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Like that's I feel like how a healthier relationship tends to form.
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Where in the beginning there's maybe a bit of skepticism or maybe even you don't feel romantic at first at all.
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You don't feel attracted to the person at all and that slowly but surely develops.
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Maybe you think that they're cute at first but you're like I'm not convinced like, we'll see if we click.
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That's a healthier mindset.
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I don't know.
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I think love at first sight is a bit frightening to me
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because you don't know if you're compatible with a person for a while.
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And the problem is, if you and someone else meet each other and are immediately really attracted to each other,
418
and the first conversation goes kind of well, and you both decide that you're in love and it was love at first sight,
419
now you're locked into that narrative and that's dangerous as well
420
because then you end up staying in something perhaps that isn't good
421
because you had you boxed the relationship into love at first sight it's got to work out now
422
because it was love at first sight
423
that is a bit toxic to me at times
424
but again i just don't think anyone should be saying love
425
at first sight until like a year two years down the line do you know what I'm saying?
426
because maybe in the beginning, maybe you had a crush on someone immediately.
427
Great.
428
But like love at first sight is that's a huge, that's a huge claim.
429
And if you lock yourself into that too early, I just think it can be dangerous.
430
I don't know.
431
That's my opinion.
432
Next, talking casually about marriage before it's been like a year.
433
Here's the thing.
434
I mean, again, like everyone's so different.
435
And so it's, I don't want to make like blanket statements, but I've been in relationships where marriage came up within the first year
436
and listen i'm young to be talking about marriage
437
and in retrospect that's a red flag i don't even necessarily think
438
it needs to be in the form of love bombing
439
because well maybe to some i think love bombing would mean like talking about marriage in under a year
440
but i think that's obviously a red flag i think even like casual mentions
441
or like sly remarks about potentially getting married one day is a red flag
442
and here's why okay
443
because i'm the type of person who dates to marry right
444
i i'm not like now i'm not gonna marry everyone i date obviously
445
but i'm not gonna get into a relationship unless i feel confident
446
that this is a real contender for marriage for me that's how i date
447
because because otherwise it feels like a waste of time for me personally, because I don't even know if I'm going to get married.
448
I would like to, I don't know, but like, that's what aligns with my goals in life.
449
I want to have a family, little baba, little baby.
450
And like, I, so I'm not just dating to like have fun.
451
I'm dating because I want to find that partner, you know?
452
So like, I want the people I'm with to be real contenders.
453
And again, when I was younger, I didn't even know what that meant.
454
You know what I mean?
455
So I was dating guys that I was like, yeah, maybe I'd marry him.
456
And it's like, obviously I wouldn't, but at the time it felt valid.
457
That felt like a valid feeling.
458
However, I never ever in my relationships would bring up marriage ever.
459
End of story.
460
Never happened.
461
That, that word never came out of my mouth.
462
It was never mentioned unless someone else brought it up.
463
Well, not someone else, but unless my partner brought it up to me, which has happened before where we're in the early stages of a relationship
464
and all of a sudden like in the good night text there's a ring emoji
465
and it's like whoa you know
466
and then it's like you know a sly remark about like well
467
if we ever get married
468
and it's like whoa listen after like two years maybe
469
I don't know everyone's different again maybe after a year sure
470
but I just this is my opinion this is very much my opinion
471
and I could change my mind about this tomorrow
472
but I think in a healthy relationship marriage the conversation around marriage I think can happen at a point
473
when the relationship feels really solid maybe
474
that's at around a year maybe two years who knows to get on the same page right
475
because yeah I do think it is important to get on the same page
476
and make sure that you both have the same sort of philosophy on
477
that type of stuff because otherwise that could be a huge issue down the line
478
so I definitely think it's important to have the conversation.
479
But I do think it's a red flag if it comes up too soon.
480
And it's like, wait, what are you doing?
481
You know, like, what are you saying?
482
Like, we still don't even know each other that well.
483
Like, I haven't even met your sister yet.
484
And you're like, you know what I'm saying?
485
I don't know.
486
I think the conversations around marriage in relationships should be really thoughtful like throwing around
487
that sort of casual throwing around like oh yeah like
488
if we get married or when we get married lol throwing
489
that around casually early on feels reckless it feels it feels reckless
490
and it feels disrespectful of one another's emotions
491
because in the beginning stages of relationship it's so vulnerable it's
492
so like deeply emotional
493
and to start like looping marriage into things it's like yeah you might feel like you want to marry the person
494
but it's the responsible thing to do to wait
495
it out until the relationship is at a at a developed enough stage to have
496
that conversation rationally because i've been in relationships where there was like little chitter
497
and chatter about marriage and then it's like wait
498
and then we broke up you know and it hurt 10 times worse
499
because it was like wait we like talked about getting married
500
i don't know it just feels irresponsible to like take things to
501
that level too soon even if it's not love bombing even
502
if both members are like oh we want to get married don't talk
503
i think it's best not to talk about those types of
504
things until the relationship is at a developed enough point
505
and i also think
506
it's best to discuss marriage more broadly less about what you're going to do together especially early on
507
and more so just the philosophy overall on marriage and then at some point
508
you'll get to the age and the time in your life when it's time to get married.
509
And then you have conversations about getting married to each other.
510
I just, I think it's such a serious and like deeply emotional thing that to throw it around casually,
511
it just, again, it's, it's immature and it feels irresponsible.
512
And I just think it's a red flag.
513
Again, some might disagree with me.
514
Okay, next.
515
I think it's a red flag to not be able to have conversations about sex with your partner.
516
Like you should be able to sit down and dissect the sex that you had with your partner, with your partner.
517
Does that make sense?
518
And that should be completely comfortable.
519
I've been in, I'm literally doing this every time I've been in relationships.
520
I've been in many relationships where I did not feel comfortable talking about sex because it actually felt kind of taboo,
521
even though we were having set, we're dating.
522
It still felt like this sort of taboo thing to talk about it.
523
And that's a huge issue because sex requires a lot of conversation.
524
Otherwise, you end up in a relationship.
525
This is for the girlies out there.
526
You'll end up in a relationship where you haven't come in two years.
527
You know, like, that's how that shit happens.
528
And I know what you're thinking.
529
Emma, that doesn't happen, does it?
530
Oh, no, it does.
531
It does.
532
Do you know what I'm saying?
533
It's like, if you get into this sort of situation where sex becomes sort of taboo and it's not really discussed.
534
That's a huge fundamental element of relationships is the sex.
535
I mean, not for everyone, of course, but for a lot of people, that's a huge fundamental part of relationship.
536
Of romantic relationships, it is.
537
It's a very important thing and you need to be able to talk about it openly, honestly.
538
And I believe that there should be a safe, comfortable environment within the relationship to have those types of conversations
539
and if that isn't there
540
if you feel scared to be like hey you should be doing this more
541
or like i don't really like when you do that
542
or i wish we had sex more or i wish we had sex less
543
if you don't feel comfortable to have those types of conversations massive red flag
544
and this seems like an obvious red flag but it's not for everyone
545
because i think
546
that we can we can accidentally get into a routine where we're in relationships where we're not talking about sex
547
because it is an uncomfortable conversation to have you do have
548
to be in a really deep close relationship in order to have those conversations comfortably
549
and unfortunately that's not necessarily the case like 50 of the time
550
you know a lot of times we end up in relationships where
551
we're sort of playing an elevated version of ourselves and
552
so is our partner and we're trying to like be super cool
553
and like you know what i mean it's it's a huge red flag
554
you have to be able to talk about it not only is it a sign
555
that you're at a good level of closeness and vulnerability
556
and you truly have a strong bond that allows you to be free
557
and have free conversation without fear of judgment or awkwardness
558
but also in order to have good sex
559
you have to talk about sex i think unfortunately i mean listen
560
i think it can be good sometimes it's just good
561
and that's great but i don't know
562
if you're going to be together for a long time you need to be able to talk about it.
563
Continuing on with sex, it's a red flag if intimacy doesn't feel satisfying.
564
Like if you don't feel satisfied by the sex that you're having, that's a red flag.
565
Now, I've been in situations where I've been having sex that wasn't quite working for me, right?
566
But I was like, well, maybe it's my fault because I haven't been in the mood lately or like,
567
no the truth of the matter was my partner at the time wasn't really doing much for me
568
and then on top of that I wasn't speaking up
569
and saying like hey you kind of need to do some more stuff for me you know what I mean
570
and so because there was
571
that major disconnect it was like just kind of it just became really lackluster
572
I think for both parties you know what I mean
573
but no one spoke up
574
and in it there's just sort of this settling for like this mid intimacy
575
because we didn't want to have the conversation
576
and really it's fine like it's not
577
that important to be having like amazing sex like it's it's probably unrealistic
578
or whatever no it's not no it's not
579
so like strive for success in relationships
580
you know like everyone should be striving for every element of
581
the relationship to be great no one should be settling and
582
if they're settling it's
583
because there's a lack of passion in the relationship
584
there's a there's not enough like it's not it's clearly not worth fighting for
585
if you're not willing to like work to make it really good do you know what i mean
586
because it does take work and it is uncomfortable at times but settling is much less fun.
587
Okay, this next one is going to be controversial.
588
It is.
589
It is.
590
And some people are really going to disagree with me, but I do think that this is maybe not a red flag,
591
but like a yellow flag.
592
Does that exist?
593
Yellow flag?
594
I haven't heard anyone use that term, but to me, this is a yellow flag.
595
If you don't like each other's style, and I'm talking about music,
596
clothing home decor are i think it's kind of a red flag listen you're never going to meet somebody
597
and have the exact same taste in everything it's like impossible
598
but i think you know what i mean
599
when i say like similar taste adjacent taste like
600
if you're really into futuristic modern clothes and like edm dance music
601
and like and like you want your house to look super brutalist
602
and like you want like concrete walls and like concrete furniture
603
and your partner is obsessed with like wearing fluffy skirts
604
and listening to Sabrina Carpenter and likes to have like a bright colorful home
605
and likes art that's like really cute it's like that's not
606
that's gonna be tough I'm not saying it can't work it totally can
607
but I don't know there's something about having a similar taste in things
608
that I feel like makes the relationship even more fun because you can go to the same concerts together.
609
You can go to the same art exhibitions together.
610
You can decorate your home together and you'll both be happy
611
and feel like it's a representation of you both in the car
612
when you're driving together all the time or when you're at home turning, you know, the speaker on, listening to music.
613
You both can enjoy music together.
614
I just think it's really tough not to have similar taste.
615
And again, I don't think it's impossible.
616
And I think it just depends on how important your taste is to you.
617
Like how much do you like the stuff that you like
618
and how flexible are you about being around things that you don't really like?
619
I'm somebody who's incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly visual.
620
Like I can't date somebody unless I like their style.
621
I learned that early on.
622
Like I did date some guys where I didn't like their style
623
and it quickly it really turned me off
624
and i know what you're thinking emma that's so shallow it's actually not
625
because somebody's taste in things it goes deeper than what meets the eye i think it really does
626
because i didn't just not like them
627
because i didn't like their style like it actually went deeper than
628
that but that was like the most obvious sign you know i don't know i'm an incredibly visual person
629
so like some the way that somebody decorates their home what they wear, how they style themselves.
630
All of these things are really important to me.
631
I'm also like really into, I love various art forms and I'm really into it.
632
And I spend a lot of time cultivating my own taste and stuff.
633
And so if somebody else doesn't have a taste that I like, like I'm sorry, but I can't date a guy whose playlist is like
634
Drake and then like Diplo, you know what i mean like i can't i can't
635
and i can't date a guy who's wearing like tight khaki joggers i can't i cannot i will not
636
and i don't think that's wrong like that's a red flag for me could i potentially get over it maybe
637
if like the click was amazing but i'm okay with being surface level about
638
that and i think it's okay to see that as a red flag but not everyone cares
639
right like some people really don't care they're not visual people they're not
640
that into art like it's fine but if you're into
641
that it's really hard i don't know i don't know maybe i'm like morally wrong for
642
that but anyways moving on i think it's a red flag
643
if you don't trust your significant other enough to be friends with people
644
that they could technically be attracted to so like if you're in a heterosexual relationship,
645
man and a woman, that would mean the boyfriend in the relationship wouldn't trust the girl to be friends with straight guys.
646
Or let's say in a relationship with two gay guys,
647
if they don't feel comfortable with each other being friends and hanging out with other gay guys without that.
648
You see what I'm saying?
649
I think this is a red flag now listen i will say some people are just naturally more jealous
650
and i get it
651
but i do think
652
we should really strive to trust our partners enough to be able to hang out with people
653
that they could technically be attracted to
654
and to not spiral about it like i've experienced both experiences
655
i've experienced relationships where there's enough trust where it's kind of no worries
656
you know sometimes it's like huh i wonder what's going on there but there's a confidence that
657
nothing would ever happen because the relationship is
658
so valuable to both members of the relationship that there's sort of this feeling of like, they might find somebody else hot,
659
but they're definitely not going to do anything.
660
They wouldn't fuck this up.
661
They just wouldn't.
662
Does that mean that you're not going to get cheated on?
663
Listen, shit happens.
664
Okay.
665
But we should strive to feel that level of confidence in our relationships.
666
And I do think it's, again, this is sort of more of a yellow flag, I think, because it's a really hard thing to accomplish.
667
And I think there is a personal element to it as well.
668
Like, sometimes we can be in incredible relationships that are safe and happy and so reciprocated, so mutual.
669
But, you know, we have our own personal issues with our confidence, with our self -esteem that make, you know, this sort of situation really uncomfortable.
670
And so that's, you know, also something to consider. But yeah.
671
Okay, moving on it is a red flag
672
if your partner is quote -unquote bad at responding no
673
they're not no they're not in a romantic relationship one
674
you should be available to each other at all times I think
675
or not at all times listen there should be like an understanding like
676
if someone's going to work you know
677
if someone's going to dinner with their friends
678
and you're going to be separated you know
679
there should be an understanding like yeah you're not going to be available 24 7
680
but like in a relationship there's no such thing as bad responding oh oh
681
you know like my boyfriend didn't respond to me all day yesterday
682
but he's just a bad responder no he's not he could make a little time here
683
or there to be like hey sorry like you know doing this
684
but like i'll talk to you in a bit i just
685
i'm not buying it i'm not buying
686
it i don't think anyone is a bad responder with their partner i'm a bad responder on text with friends
687
and acquaintances like i sometimes won't respond for a month just
688
because I didn't get around to it you know
689
or I like didn't see it at first or I've been working
690
or I don't have the emotional capacity to respond like
691
I do think some people are bad responders in general
692
but in a relationship I'm sorry they're not a bad responder
693
they're up to something I think that's a huge red flag
694
if you feel neglected by your partner when you're not together chances are it's
695
because they are neglecting you they're not communicating enough.
696
Again, you shouldn't be texting all day long,
697
but like if your partner is ignoring you for like hours and hours and hours straight with no explanation, I don't know.
698
I'm just not buying it.
699
It's off to me.
700
It's off to me.
701
Red flag.
702
Next, it's a red flag if you feel like your significant other would choose their friends over you.
703
I personally think that's a red flag.
704
If you feel like your partner's friends are like their entire life and you're really on the back burner, that's a red flag.
705
Now it's confusing because it's also a red flag if your partner doesn't have any other friends other than you.
706
So it's like, wait, what?
707
Balance.
708
There needs to be balance.
709
Like it's important for your partner to have friends other than you, but you still need to feel like you're in a category of your own
710
because romantic relationships are a category of their own.
711
You shouldn't feel like, oh, my partner would, you know, if my partner was faced with a choice,
712
like who would I rather hang out with my significant other or my friends?
713
I personally think eight times out of 10, your partner should choose you because it's a deeper, more, I don't know.
714
I just have heard over the years of a lot of
715
people letting their partners like completely fucking kick him to the
716
curb to go hang out with you know their friends like all the time
717
you know what i mean in a very imbalanced way
718
and i've i've heard excuses be made like well you know like it's it's their friends
719
and like friendship is really important it's like yeah
720
but you shouldn't feel neglected you shouldn't feel kicked to the curb like your partner should be finding balance
721
so that everybody feels like they're getting you know ample time with them it's just weird
722
and last but not least this may be the most controversial one i think it's a red flag
723
if you're dating somebody and they're not a solid contender for like long -term partnership potentially marriage
724
if that's what you're into or you know potentially starting a family together
725
if that's what you're into if you're looking for like a serious partnership long term
726
and you're with somebody and you're like i don't know
727
if they're a contender yet that's a red flag
728
if that's your goal in life you shouldn't be with somebody unless they feel like a strong contender
729
because here's the deal chances are they're probably not a strong contender
730
and you'll find
731
that out later the hard way in the moment in the least you should feel like they're a strong contender
732
because in my experience in romantic relationships usually my feelings are irrationally positive
733
because i'm in love and i feel romantic and i like and i want to kiss and all this
734
and so like i'm actually like delusionally positive about the person do you know what i mean
735
so if you don't feel like they're a strong contender they're probably really not
736
because i feel like in relationships feelings are usually too positive do you see what i'm saying
737
so if i do my math that feels like a red flag
738
and i think those are all my red flags listen i'm gonna keep dating
739
and so who knows i might have a whole new slew of red flags for you in like two years
740
so stay tuned for that um
741
but that's all i have for today that's it i mean obviously
742
you know i there's a lot of red flags
743
that i didn't mention today
744
because you know i think they're like there there's no need to reiterate them
745
i think they are really obvious asshole mean bully you know like toxic like obvious bad stuff um
746
but i tried to tap into the the less obvious stuff today
747
and hopefully you enjoyed and maybe you got something out of it.
748
Maybe you didn't, but either way, I hope you enjoyed and I enjoyed, okay?
749
I enjoyed hanging out with you.
750
So hopefully the feeling was mutual.
751
And if it was, tune in Thursdays and Sundays.
752
I'm here every Thursday and Sunday to chat with you and hang out.
753
So tune in if you want.
754
Find Anything Goes Online at Anything Goes.
755
Find me online at Emma Chamberlain
756
and find my coffee company in the world at Chamberlain Coffee
757
and that's all I have for today
758
that's it thank you all for listening thank you all for hanging out as always it's a pleasure
759
and we'll be talking in a few days
760
if you choose to tune back in all right talk to you soon and love you and bye bye
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “underestimated relationship red flags”. The speaker keeps coming back to these words: relationship, flag, partner. This video has 760 sentences and 9037 words to shadow. The speech runs for 51:38. The speaker talks at a natural 175 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 85% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| romantic adjective | /ɹoʊˈmæn(t)ɪk/ | Fantastic, unrealistic (of an idea etc.); fanciful, sentimental, impractical (of a person). |
| contender noun | /kənˈtɛn.dɚ/ | Someone who competes with one or more other people. |
| partnership noun | /ˈpɑɹtnɚʃɪp/ | The state of being associated with a partner. |
| obsession noun | /əbˈsɛʃən/ | The quality of being obsessed; an unshakeable feeling that one topic or activity must be pursued above other interests. |
| necessarily adverb | /ˌnɛs.əˈsɛɹ.ə.li/ | Inevitably; of necessity. |
| anxiety noun | /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/ | An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event. |
| incredibly adverb | /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/ | In an incredible manner; not to be believed. |
| chase verb | /t͡ʃeɪs/ | To follow at speed. |
| deeply adverb | /ˈdi(ː)pli/ | To a deep extent or degree; very greatly. |
| marry verb | /ˈmæɹi/ | To enter into the conjugal or connubial state; to take a husband or a wife. |
| potentially adverb | /pəˈtɛnʃ(ə)li/ | In a manner showing much potential; with the possibility of happening in a given way. |
| settle verb | /ˈsɛtəl/ | To determine (something which was exposed to doubt or question); to resolve conclusively; to set or fix (a time, an order of succession, etc). |
| butt noun | /bʌt/ | Body; self. |
| vulnerable adjective | /ˈvʌln(ə)ɹəbl̩/ | More or most likely to be exposed to the chance of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. |
| attract verb | /əˈtɹækt/ | To pull toward without touching. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| come up verb | To emerge or become known, especially unexpectedly. |
| end up verb | To bring to a conclusion. |
| figure out verb | To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce. |
| find out verb | To discover, as by asking or investigating. |
| break down verb | To stop functioning. |
| break up verb | To break or separate into pieces. |
| bring up verb | To mention. |
| come down verb | To descend, fall down, collapse. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- Do you know what I'm saying?
- What are you talking about?
- Do you see what I'm saying?
- In retrospect, I'm like, what?
- You see what I'm saying?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on | I've been dating · have been staying · I've been having |
| “Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true | Used to be |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | I've been · I've had · it's been |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | would be planted · is presented · being confronted |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 386 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, don't, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: clothing /ˈkloʊðɪŋ/, thick /θɪk/, mathematics /mæθ(.ə)ˈmæt.ɪks/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: partnership /ˈpɑɹtnɚʃɪp/, obsession /əbˈsɛʃən/, potentially /pəˈtɛnʃ(ə)li/, delusional /dɪˈluːʒənəl/, casual /ˈkæʒ(u)əl/
- Long words — get the stress right: necessarily /ˌnɛs.əˈsɛɹ.ə.li/, anxiety /æŋˈzaɪ.əti/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, potentially /pəˈtɛnʃ(ə)li/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like romantic, contender, partnership.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.