Shadowing Practice: How Strong Communicators Handle Difficult Talks - Learn English Speaking with Video

If you can't stop where you are right now and ask yourself the question, Do I have a conversation?

coming up that I am stressed about, worried about, that's weighing on me, if that's you, then this is your episode.

I'm going to walk you through it.

We're going to talk all about how to prepare for hard, conversations, the stressful conversations, the ones that put that knot in your stomach.

As soon as you start thinking about it, I gotcha.

By the end of this episode, you're going to feel a million times better.

You ready?

Let's go.

Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation, the one that changes everything.

Wherever you are listening, if you would please press subscribe.

or heart or like or leave a comment.

It helps me more than, you know, and in exchange, my promises to you to make you a better communicator.

If you subscribe and you listen to these episodes, It's going to make you a better communicator.

And in exchange, you're going to have much better relationships and a better life.

And that's a very positive thing.

Thank you so much.

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And now let's get to the episode.

So many times I have people that are reaching out to me and saying, hey, I am preparing for this conversation that I have at work.

at the office, I have this interview, I need to fire an employee, I need to try and ask for a raise,

I have to have this hard conversation with my spouse or my child or whatever it is.

And every time...

Deep down, it's a plea for help of knowing I am afraid.

That's what I hear.

It's fear.

It's fear from everyone saying, "I'm nervous about this." Newsflash, I get nervous about conversations too.

If you're not getting nervous, let me just put that disclaimer out there.

If you're not feeling nervous about a conversation, then you don't care about the conversation.

So I want you to understand that when you feel nervous and you're going, "Why do I have this pit in my stomach?" Take that as joy.

Count it as joy that you actually care about what you're going to say.

You care about the person, you care about that conversation.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't really worry at all about your words.

You wouldn't worry about their interaction or the reaction from them.

So understand when you have that nervous pit in your stomach there, We're going to use that as good.

All right, we're going to use that as good.

And we're going to talk about that in this episode.

So how do you best prepare for this conversation.

And I say this conversation because I'm talking to you.

We're talking about the very conversation you know that you need to be having that is weighing.

on you that you are avoiding, that every time you think about it, it keeps you up at night.

you lose track of what you're doing.

All of a sudden, your thoughts go out of focus because you're so worried about this conversation.

This is a conversation we're gonna be talking about.

Here's how I want you to start preparing for it.

You ready?

Number one, name your goal before your emotions do.

Set your goal for what you want the conversation to be.

and how you want it to turn out before your emotions do.

If you go into a conversation and you don't have a goal, You are...

Losing.

And I don't say that in terms of a win -loss type of situation.

I'm saying you are setting yourself up for failure if you don't have a goal.

That is like me saying, hey, you want to jump in the car with me real quick?

And you go, okay, where are we going?

I have no clue.

No idea, but I'm going to spend 45 minutes of us just kind

of wandering around until I decide where I might want to park.

You go, you're crazy.

If I want to go on a flight.

And you said, where are you going?

I go, you know what?

I don't really know.

It wouldn't make sense.

You need to have a destination.

You have to have a destination for what is the end result.

So you start backwards.

How do you prepare for a difficult, stressful conversation?

You start backwards at the very end of it.

All right, you start at the very end.

What do I want them to know?

So if you can right now, I want you to get a piece of paper out, maybe a Word document, a Google document, whatever it is.

And I want you to write down goal.

and then put a colon.

What is my goal for this conversation?

If you don't know the goal, you're lost.

You're lost because the other person is going to be looking to you of, Where are we going?

What is what do you want?

Ever had anybody say, what's your point?

Where are you going with this?

That's exactly what it is because you're not telling them you're not informing them of your destination.

I And that leaves both of you absolutely clueless.

When you write down your goal, meaning I want them to...

hear me.

100

I want them to understand me.

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I want them to do this, or I need to feel this.

102

Yeah.

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It's going to help clarify what your standard is.

104

If your goal is for them to change their mind, That's going to be very difficult.

105

If your goal is for them to apologize to you, that's probably the wrong goal.

106

It is has to be some the goal has to be something that you can control.

107

You can't control if they're going to apologize or say that you're right or that everything they believe in is wrong.

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You have to set a goal that you can control.

109

That has to do with you understanding what's happening, you feeling more...

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Like you have a better solid footing in the conversation.

111

You getting to say the thing that you've always wanted to say.

112

You see, these are words that are coming from you, not what you're expecting them to say.

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Having a goal is so critical.

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It sounds basic.

115

It is basic, it is extremely difficult.

116

to have the right goal.

117

What happens a lot of the time is

118

you have something in your head about how the conversation should go And then you get into the conversation and you realize, wait, this isn't happening.

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Have you ever been into a conversation and you realize, "Wait, wait, wait, no, no, this isn't how it's supposed to happen.

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I was going to say this and then you were supposed to apologize because that's how I rehearsed it in my head.

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This is where you say how wrong you are, how you finally are seeing the light.

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That's never going to happen." If it does,

123

congratulations go get a lottery ticket because that's going to be extremely rare conversations rarely go how they go.

124

in your head.

125

That's just not the way the world works.

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So you need to write down your goal.

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What?

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Do you want from them?

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What do you want? for you.

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Basic goal.

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A very basic goal.

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Maybe it's, I want to feel heard on this issue.

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I need to understand where they're coming from.

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I need to let them go from the company.

135

I need to inform them that this is their last day.

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Whatever it is, You need to have a goal and make that the bright line header of your true north.

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Without it, you might as well not have the conversation. at all.

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You with me?

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Number two, put the emphasis on regulating your body more than rehearsing your words.

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In fact, I would go on to tell you that rehearsing your lines is damaging.

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Let me tell you why.

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so many times in the legal field.

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And there's a lot of attorneys, trial attorneys who might be listening right now, nodding their head.

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Good attorneys don't stick to line by line questions.

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They keep it flexible.

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So what does that look like?

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Let's say I have a pen and paper.

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All right.

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Rather than writing and scripting out every single one of my questions that I want to ask a witness, instead, I'm going to put it in bullet points.

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The first bullet point might be the store.

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It might be.

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the money exchange.

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It might be the trip.

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Things that are signposts to me, that allow me to ask questions and be flexible.

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Because let me tell you the downside of rehearsing and knowing my questions ahead of time, is that I might read a question and wait for the answer.

156

Except I typically don't wait for the answer.

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I'm starting to look at the next question and I'm worried about what I'm going to ask more than I'm actually listening.

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So you know a new attorney, a green attorney from a more veteran by if they're going, and did you arrive at the school that day?

159

And they're not even really listening to the answer.

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Somebody could be giving a very good answer that's giving them lots of information, but they're not listening because they're just focused on the next question questions so you miss things.

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That's the point.

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You miss things.

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If you are rehearsing your lines, you're going to miss things because you're more focused on you performing well, of you doing well.

164

Oh, no, no, that's not how I wanted to say it.

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People who teach public speaking, If you rehearse your talk,

166

You're going to be much more concerned about the exact wording

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and putting your placement and making it almost so manufactured

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that it doesn't feel genuine and it doesn't feel real and the other person is not going to feel it.

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Versus you just know generally where the message needs to be, you know, your goal, you know your purpose and why you're there, and you're going to trust everything's going to flow out of that.

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And that's where you feel the connection from people.

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So put the emphasis on regulating your body.

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Then we can worry about...

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Is there a certain type of phrase that you want to make sure and use?

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Because if you don't have your body controlled, if you are not...

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Using your breath and you are not lowering your shoulders and you are making sure your jaw is not.

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Is your jaw tight right now?

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Do you have tightness in your ears and in your cheeks and your forehead?

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What about your shoulders and your hands?

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Are they tense? Is your core tight?

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Are your shoulders drooped over?

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What's your body position like?

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So you have to make sure you take temperature of that If you don't have your body controlled,

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good luck trying to focus everything else because your body's tied to those emotions.

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And if you're not breathing, And it doesn't matter what kind of technique I could teach you, what words I could give you, none of it's going to work because it's going to come out in a way that you don't want.

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It's going to come out defensive because your body's feeling defensive because your body is feeling flooded in that moment.

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So control, you can control.

187

How do I want you to prepare?

188

for this hard conversation, regulate your body, put the focus on that.

189

Before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Gusto.

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Now, many of you, like myself, are business owners.

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I have a law firm.

192

I have this media side of the podcasting.

193

I've owned a restaurant, a coffee shop.

194

I've done all kinds of things.

195

And let me tell you one thing that is not fun as a business owner that is extremely stressful, and that is payroll.

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Because you want, I know, especially small businesses, you want to take care of your people.

197

to make sure that paperwork is smooth, taxes are difficult.

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Like for anybody who's never owned a business, you go, how do I pay people?

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Gusto, all right, is been my saving grace long before they sponsored this podcast right now.

200

I've used them for probably seven years.

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You can have as many unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price.

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And it's, it's really is easy.

210

So you can go try Gusto today at gusto .com slash Jefferson

211

and get three months free when you run your first payroll.

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That's months of free payroll at gusto .com /jefferson.

213

One more time, gusto .com /jefferson.

214

I can promise you I've used them for so many years and I have currently right now,

215

I have four businesses that do payroll through them and I would not look at anybody else.

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Go to Gusto.

217

All right, now back to the episode.

218

Preparing for this conversation, I want you to think in your mind Think in your mind.

219

What are imagine the conversation happening in real time, the person sitting across from you, you're you're at the you're in the environment that you're going to have the conversation with.

220

How does that feel?

221

How does that feel to you?

222

what emotions are coming up, prepare for them now.

223

prepare for them now so underneath wherever you're writing underneath goal I want you to write.

224

My responses.

225

I'm not talking about words, I'm talking about your physical body responses.

226

What's going to be happening to you in that moment?

227

You need to know.

228

Do you get tightness in your jaw?

229

For me, it's tightness in my shoulders.

230

Right here, the traps, I get really tight when I know I'm tense because I have to like constantly relax them.

231

Is my body preparing?

232

I have to constantly react.

233

I have to constantly relax them.

234

So in my responses, say what's happening to you.

235

Jaw gets tight.

236

fist clench.

237

Shoulders tense.

238

I had somebody who said, "My toes like to scrunch up." If that's you, write that down too.

239

You need to know what's happening.

240

Why?

241

So that you will not be surprised when it's happening.

242

It's preparing for every part of the conversation.

243

Conversations are not just words.

244

They are the emotions and the physical thoughts.

245

elements in the room.

246

All right.

247

It is not just emotion.

248

It is just as physical as can be, because they're going to read your body language more than they're going to listen to your words.

249

So when it comes to preparing for this hard conversation, focus on regulating your body first before we start worrying about your words.

250

Cool.

251

Number three, while we're talking about words, if you're going to rehearse anything, I want you to rehearse your opening line.

252

That's it.

253

Know your opening line.

254

That's it.

255

Whenever you start to think of how it's going to play out five minutes into the conversation.

256

There's no way it's going to happen.

257

If you can get out your opening line really well, that's really the only thing you can control at the start of the conversation.

258

Everything else is going to be what it's going to be.

259

And it's all going to be on you and your emotions now.

260

I say start with your opening line because that sets the tone for the conversation that in to my in my opinion,

261

is absolutely worth rehearsing, that you feel really comfortable with the first words that come out of your mouth.

262

I'd say that 98 % of the time, the direction of the conversation is set by the tone.

263

and in the first words that you share.

264

So if I want to have a hard conversation with you, I'm going to put a lot of emphasis in my mind of remembering,

265

rehearsing, but the opening what I want to begin with.

266

So, I want you to write down underneath my responses, my opening.

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My opening.

268

Write down your opening sentence.

269

to this person.

270

Imagine yourself in the context and get really comfortable with the opening sentence.

271

What I like to open with And I'm just going to, I'm going to throw out some responses that might feel natural to you.

272

All right, is saying, I'm going to share something that's really important. to me.

273

I like to share something that's very important to me.

274

Something as simple as that.

275

If you want to add to it, I want to share something that's really important to me and I know it's not going to be perfect.

276

Or you can even ask, and is it okay with you if I don't say everything perfectly?

277

This is going to be a difficult conversation, but I'm going to be right here with you through the end.

278

This is a conversation that I know it's not going to be resolved now.

279

and I'm gonna be in this conversation over the next month for however long it takes.

280

Sometimes not putting a timeframe on conversations is very helpful.

281

Instead of saying we need to have a conversation right now and expect a decision, this is a conversation we're going to have over the next week.

282

over the next month, whatever it is.

283

When you release the time, it's like the pressure valve goes off.

284

You're releasing the pressure, the tense moment of it.

285

Find your opening line.

286

Maybe it's you needing to reveal some stuff.

287

Like, I'm struggling with some thoughts and I really want your help.

288

Thank you.

289

I'm stressed about this conversation.

290

because it matters so much to me.

291

I'd encourage you to actually reveal a little bit about what's happening inside.

292

reveal the nerves, reveal the imperfect, reveal the struggle.

293

Believe it or not, it's going to help them relate to you more than you could ever dream.

294

If you sit with them and say, This is a conversation I've been dreading to have And I hope that...

295

Together.

296

we can get through this in a way that's going to make a big difference.

297

This is a conversation I've been dreading to have.

298

I really need your help.

299

there's something I want to share with you and I know I'm, I'm not going to get it down perfectly.

300

Are you willing to just be here with me?

301

be willing to reveal a little bit.

302

I'm not saying a lot, but if your opening line can be just a little bit vulnerable.

303

with the inner emotions, what that's going to do is break so much ice to actually be real.

304

to talk to one another.

305

All right.

306

How do we prepare for that difficult conversation?

307

That stressful conversation, instead of that knot in your stomach, we're going to move some energy.

308

You do that by writing down what we just talked about.

309

so Number one, know your goal.

310

number two know your responses your body what's happening

311

that way you're not going to get caught off by it in the moment and number three rehearse your opening line, know your opening line because that you can at least control.

312

And additional bonus if you can.

313

Reveal a little bit of the struggle.

314

What are you struggling with yourself?

315

Like if you were just going to talk to me and say, Jefferson, I want to have this hard conversation and I'm worried about it because I'm afraid they're not going to.

316

i'm afraid reveal that whatever that is i'm afraid that Maybe you need to write that down too.

317

I'm afraid that and use that fear and put it at the beginning of the conversation.

318

I need to share something important with you and I'm afraid that if I do, this is going to happen.

319

You hear how all of a sudden you've got that out in the open.

320

You're not you're not you're not carrying that inside.

321

It's not unspoken.

322

You've now said it.

323

And now they can understand, okay, this is serious, and now I'm going to have this conversation with you.

324

All right.

325

I'm proud of you.

326

I want to encourage you that this is...

327

Not everybody does this.

328

Let me tell you, nobody does it super well.

329

Even the conversations I need to have.

330

Yeah.

331

Do I make mistakes?

332

Yeah.

333

But that's what makes me human.

334

There's no such thing as a perfect, stressful, hard, difficult conversation gone well.

335

The best thing you can do is Find...

336

the reason within yourself, why is it difficult?

337

When I say difficult conversation, what makes it difficult?

338

Find that answer.

339

Be more focused on that answer.

340

If you can just remove the difficulty, then it's just a conversation.

341

then it's not a difficult one, it's just a conversation.

342

And sometimes what makes it difficult is not the other person.

343

It's me.

344

Do the homework.

345

Prepare for it plan for it and you will not be surprised.

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And when you eliminate the surprises, you reduce the anxiety.

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And all of a sudden, what you thought was so difficult really just becomes another conversation.

348

All right?

349

You got this?

350

If you can, encourage, I want to not only encourage you, but

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whenever you do have

352

that conversation will you email me i you can go um hello at jeffersonfisher .com i would love

353

to hear how that conversation went.

354

and get any kind of feedback because i just want to encourage you

355

and speak a lot of good into your life all right as always you can try that and follow me

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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları

Bu B2 seviyesindeki konuşma dersi “How Strong Communicators Handle Difficult Talks” videosuna dayanıyor. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 355 cümle ve 3869 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 21:12 sürüyor. Konuşmacı hızlı konuşuyor, dakikada yaklaşık 183 kelime; bu yüzden birbirine bağlanan ve zayıflayan sesler duyacaksınız. Kelimelerin %87’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında, bu yüzden kelime dağarcığını takip etmek kolay.

Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler

Videodaki en ileri düzey 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:

Kelime	Telaffuz	Anlam
emotion isim	/ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/	duygu, his
regulate fiil	/ˈɹɛɡ.jə.leɪt/	regüle etmek
tense isim	/tɛns/	zaman
tightness isim		darlık
underneath zarf	/ˌʌndɚˈniθ/	altında, altı
podcast isim	/ˈpɑdˌkæst/	podcast
apologize fiil	/əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/	özür dilemek
backward sıfat	/ˈbækwɚd/	geri
knot isim	/nɑt/	düğüm
weigh fiil	/weɪ/	tartmak
subscribe fiil	/səbˈskɹaɪb/	abone olmak
flexible sıfat	/ˈflɛk.sɪ.bəl/	esnek, bükülgen
inform fiil	/ɪnˈfɔɹm/	bilgi vermek, bildirmek
dashboard isim	/ˈdæʃˌboɹd/	kadran, gösterge panosu
disclaimer isim	/dɪsˈkleɪm.ɚ/	sorumluluk reddi, feragatname

Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller

Kelime	Telaffuz	Anlam
come out fiil	/ˌkʌm ˈaʊt/	çıkmak
go off fiil		patlamak

Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler

Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:

I go, you know what?
How do you prepare for a difficult, stressful conversation?
What do I want them to know?
Ever had anybody say, what's your point?
What's your body position like?

Bu videodaki dil bilgisi

Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:

Yapı	Videoda
Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — önceden başlayıp hâlâ süren bir eylem	I've been dreading
Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem	you've always wanted · I've owned · I've done
Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli	is brought · is set · be resolved
İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi	People who teach · somebody who said

Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar

Konuşmacı I'm, you're, don't gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 125 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.

“sh” ve “zh” sesleri: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, dashboard /ˈdæʃˌboɹd/
Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, communicator /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪtə/, unlimited /ʌnˈlɪm.ɪ.tɪd/, entity /ˈɛn.tə.ti/ [-tʰi], eliminate /ɪˈlɪm.ɪ.neɪt/

Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:

/w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: backward /ˈbækwɚd/, weigh /weɪ/, wander /ˈwɑndɚ/, paperwork /ˈpeɪ.pɚˌwɝk/, homework /ˈhoʊmˌwɝk/
Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: stressful /ˈstɹɛsfəl/, dread /dɹɛd/, flexible /ˈflɛk.sɪ.bəl/, clench /klɛnt͡ʃ/, scrunch /skɹʌnt͡ʃ/
/æ/ — “e”den daha açık: podcast /ˈpɑdˌkæst/, backward /ˈbækwɚd/, dashboard /ˈdæʃˌboɹd/, clarify /ˈklæɹ.ɪ.faɪ/, valve /ˈvælv/

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Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
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Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; emotion, regulate, tense gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.

Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?

Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.

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Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?