Shadowing Practice: Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Have you ever been in a relationship where every time you have a conflict,
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even a small one, the other person just shuts down and doesn't wanna talk?
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How do you deal with that?
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That's what I'm talking about today.
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I'm Dr. Tracy Marks, a psychiatrist, and I make mental health education and self -improvement videos.
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Today's video is based on a viewer question from Boss Kitty, and she said, I'm here for the advice.
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My boyfriend and I just started, four months, and he doesn't know how to express himself emotionally or have a conversation concerning our relationship.
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Every time I tell him his absence to our talks affects me and we need to talk about it,
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he blows up and gets angry and so on, which leads me to silence and soak in all my concerns.
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It's difficult.
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I also suffer with depression and I deal with it fine on my own.
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Now I have to develop ways to deal with this and not show it in my face.
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Please tell me how to deal with this.
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Thank you.
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Thank you Boss Kitty for this question.
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There's a few things going on with this situation.
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You have a boyfriend who doesn't wanna talk and it sounds like he doesn't wanna talk
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when you talk about things like your relationship and then when you try and press him on it, he gets angry.
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His anger makes you withdraw and silently deal with your pain.
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The first thing you need to do is figure out is his lack of talking about the relationship
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because he's not a good communicator or is it because he just doesn't want to talk about it every time you ask?
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I'm assuming that you're not asking him every day, are we okay?
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Because no one wants to be badgered about the state of the relationship
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because the person on the receiving end can feel like they're always having to reassure you.
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And some reassurance can work at first, but after a while, it gets old,
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and he can get tired of always needing to build you up and make you feel secure.
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If this is the case, the solution would be to find different ways to build yourself up and boost your self -confidence.
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But I'm going to assume that that's not the issue here.
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Another possibility is that your boyfriend is not a good communicator.
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So if you start getting too deep with him, he may not know how to express his feelings very well.
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If you keep trying to get him to tell you more about how he feels, he can get defensive and feel attacked
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and then he can attack back with mean comments in response to having his vulnerabilities exposed.
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How would you know if this was the case?
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How much does he talk about other things?
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How good is he at talking about how he feels about something?
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It's one thing to be able to give an observation of a situation because then you can just list the facts,
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but it goes to another level to talk about how a situation affects you emotionally and your opinions about it.
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Some people aren't good at identifying how they feel about something
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so they may relate a story without any secondary level of detail.
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If that's how he communicates he's going to struggle when you're
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when you start talking about your relationship
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because your relationship isn't just a series of facts it's the abstract concept of your connectedness.
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So one thing you can do in this situation is to
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ask him more open -ended questions like how do you feel about that?
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What are your thoughts about that?
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Or how would you handle that?
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Open -ended questions require more than a one -word answer
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and the person who isn't good at communicating but is willing to communicate if you help will try and answer those questions.
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You can get him in the mode of answering more open -ended questions with you
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and then at some point it may get easier for him to answer more open -ended questions about your relationship.
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Here's an example.
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You You go to a barbecue together and you're on your way back home in the car and he says, I like that, that was nice.
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You can say, what did you like about it most?
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He says, I don't know, it was just good.
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You know, it was a good time.
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You don't wanna jump in and say, well what specifically was good?
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I enjoyed it too, but you can't tell me what you liked about it?
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That's the quickest way to get him to shut down
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and not wanna say anything because essentially you're pointing out the problem
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that he probably knows he has at some level that he doesn't have a lot to say.
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Instead give him an example of how you were wanting him to answer the question.
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So he says it was a good time.
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You say I really like the ribs
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and I thought they did a good job of making everyone feel comfortable by having us play games and things.
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These details may trigger him to to add his own details.
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So he may say, yeah, those were some good ribs, and it was nice that they had stuff to do.
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I don't like just sitting around at people's house and eating.
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Do that several times.
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You ask for details, he gives you a basic answer without details, you add your own details.
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He may learn to anticipate what you're asking him
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when you ask for something and he may get better at giving more details and having more to say.
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If he gets more comfortable talking about generic things, he may then get better about talking about emotional things like your relationship.
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So this is just a basic example and I'm making a lot of assumptions here about why he won't talk.
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Of course, there are more specific reasons that have to do with things like
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if you're pressuring him to do something that he doesn't wanna do, like be exclusive or move in or get married.
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Those could be reasons why he doesn't wanna have the relationship talk.
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Now, it's one thing not to talk because you're a poor communicator, but it's another thing entirely,
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to be good at communicating but just choose not to.
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One reason a person may do this is when they're giving you the silent treatment.
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You usually see this in the setting of an argument or if you didn't do something that he wanted you to do.
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The silent treatment is a passive -aggressive way of showing anger and punishing you.
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The person refuses to talk to you.
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Now this doesn't mean literally mean that he's ignoring you.
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Instead you may get one one -word answers to questions.
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The answers lack detail because he doesn't want to talk to you about it.
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Also, he doesn't initiate any conversation until the period is over.
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So the only time he talks is when he's answering a question from you and then it's super brief.
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If you ask him, is everything okay?
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He says, yeah, I'm fine.
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When he's in this state, if you press for more details, he may lash out at you just to get you to shut up.
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That's clearly different from the person who lashes out
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because you're pressing him too hard to say things when he has nothing to say.
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If your boyfriend is a silent treatment person, you have a bigger problem, I'm sorry to say,
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because the silent treatment is a way for the person to punish you by shaming you or withholding validation from you.
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An example of that may be that you have a fight about something, he gets mad and yells or says something mean.
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That's not the silent treatment yet then you recognize your part in the fight and you apologize.
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He knows you want to either hear him apologize or tell you it's okay and then everything will be alright,
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but he purposely withholds that assurance so that you can go a while feeling uncomfortable and maybe insecure about the relationship.
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You're naturally going to worry about how long he's going to be angry at you.
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So he He then withdraws and doesn't talk for a while, leaving you to fret about the state of the relationship.
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How do you handle this?
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Well, you can't pull him out of the silence.
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If he's using the silence to punish you, he's not gonna stop until he's satisfied that you've been shamed enough
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or that he's extracted enough pain from you or taught you the lesson that he's trying to teach you.
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So I think the best thing that you can do is ignore him when he's doing this.
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Step away from the situation and get your composure.
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This also gives him a chance to cool down if he's angry.
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Some people who do this need the mental space to work through their emotions on their own.
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And there's nothing wrong with needing some distance when you're hurting or angry.
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The passive aggressive part of this is when he doesn't acknowledge
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that he's responding to hurt and he gives the appearance that everything is fine even though he's acting like you don't exist.
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Then, while you're away from the situation, do things to take care of yourself emotionally.
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That is, do things that soothe you.
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This could be talking to a friend, or going for a walk, or watching a movie.
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If you appear unfazed by his silence,
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chances are he'll break the silence sooner than he otherwise would because it's not having the desired effect.
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Then, when he comes out of the silence, that's when you address whatever issue you were needing to discuss.
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You're not gonna get very far by calling him out on the silent treatment
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because he can just act like he doesn't know what you're talking about.
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And that's the beauty of passive aggression.
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Passive aggression gives the appearance of right doing
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or compliance with the covert negative behavior on the back end that's harder to see.
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So in this case, on the front end, he's saying everything's good
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but I don't know why you keep asking all these questions.
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I said no, but on the back end,
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he's only talking to you if you talk to him and giving bare minimum answers with little to no detail.
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knowing that you want more details and back and forth conversation with him.
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But here's the last point, and this is the reason I say that this is a bigger problem than just not talking.
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Even if you win by getting him to break the silence by ignoring him,
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you don't gain much because he'll find another way to get the same effect of punishing you when he's angry,
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and that's the issue that has to be addressed, the need to punish you.
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Some people believe that if you don't validate them in some way you deserve punishment and that punishment can take different forms.
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This kind of toxic behavior is hard to change but it can change if the person is ready to do some work.
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I did a video on 10 signs of a toxic relationship
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and I guess this would be number 11 but
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if you want to see more toxic behaviors and ways that you can deal with them you can watch that video here.
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If you watch my channel a lot, you'll see that this is a little different from my usual teaching about psychiatric illnesses.
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But mental health is broader than illnesses.
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Beneath the illness is still the need to relate to people.
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I really believe that relationships are the true currency because at the end of the day that's all we have left, relationships.
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And your individual mental well -being is a building block for how you function in the world.
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So that's how this all comes together, becoming the best that you can be has a trickle -down effect.
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So let's just keep pushing forward for the quest for self -improvement at every level.
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See you next time.
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Bu dersin kelimeleri ve konuşma notları
Bu konuşma dersi “Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It” videosuna dayanıyor. En çok tekrarlanan kelimeler: relationship, detail, answer. Bu videoda gölgeleme çalışması için 144 cümle ve 2030 kelime var. Konuşma bölümü 11:25 sürüyor. Konuşmacı dakikada yaklaşık 178 kelimeyle, günlük konuşmaya yakın doğal bir hızda konuşuyor. Kelimelerin %89’i İngilizcede en sık kullanılan 3.000 kelime arasında, bu yüzden kelime dağarcığını takip etmek kolay.
Bu videodaki önemli kelimeler
Videodan öğrenmeye değer 15 kelime, telaffuzu ve anlamıyla:
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| silence isim | /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ | sessizlik, sükût |
| silent sıfat | /ˈsaɪ̯lənt/ | sessiz |
| punish fiil | /ˈpʌnɪʃ/ | cezalandırmak, ceza vermek |
| passive sıfat | /ˈpæs.ɪv/ | edilgen, pasif |
| ignore fiil | /ɪɡˈnɔː/ | görmezden gelmek |
| illness isim | /ˈɪl.nəs/ | hastalık, maraz |
| toxic sıfat | /ˈtɒk.sɪk/ | toksik |
| anger isim | /ˈæŋɡə/ | öfke, kızgınlık |
| punishment isim | /ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/ | ceza, mücazat |
| aggressive sıfat | /əˈɡɹɛs.ɪv/ | saldırgan, agresif |
| apologize fiil | /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/ | özür dilemek |
| aggression isim | /əˈɡɹɛʃən/ | saldırganlık |
| rib isim | /ɹɪb/ | kaburga |
| lesson isim | /ˈlɛs.ən/ | ders, çimke |
| suffer fiil | /ˈsʌfɚ/ | çekmek, acı çekmek |
Duyacağınız deyimsel fiiller
| Kelime | Telaffuz | Anlam |
|---|---|---|
| blow up fiil | havaya uçurmak, havaya uçmak | |
| cool down fiil | /kuːl ˈdaʊn/ | serinlemek, serinleşmek |
| figure out fiil | açığa çıkarmak | |
| shut up | /ʃʌt ʌp/ | kapa çeneni, sus |
Tekrar etmeye değer cümleler
Videodan, günlük konuşmada yeniden kullanabileceğiniz kısa ve tam cümleler:
- How do you deal with that?
- How would you know if this was the case?
- What are your thoughts about that?
- You don't wanna jump in and say, well what specifically was good?
- If you ask him, is everything okay?
Bu videodaki dil bilgisi
Konuşmacının en çok kullandığı yapılar, videodaki sözcüklerin aynısıyla:
| Yapı | Videoda |
|---|---|
| Koşul cümleleri if + cümle, will/would + fiil — bir koşul ve sonucu | if you help will try |
| Edilgen yapı be + fiilin üçüncü hâli — kimin yaptığı değil, ne olduğu önemli | is based · be badgered · you've been shamed |
| Present perfect have/has + fiilin üçüncü hâli — geçmişte olan ama şimdi de önemli olan bir eylem | Have you ever been · you've been shamed · have left |
| İlgi cümlecikleri who / which + cümle — bir kişi ya da şey hakkında ek bilgi | person who isn · person who lashes · people who do |
Dikkat edilecek telaffuzlar
Konuşmacı doesn't, you're, I'm gibi kısaltılmış biçimleri 64 kez kullanıyor. Bunları duyduğunuz gibi kısa söyleyin.
- “th” sesleri: withdraw /wɪðˈdɹɔ/, beneath /bɪˈniːθ/, withhold /wɪθˈhoʊld/, soothe /suːð/
- “sh” ve “zh” sesleri: punish /ˈpʌnɪʃ/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, punishment /ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/, aggression /əˈɡɹɛʃən/, essentially /ɪˈsɛnʃəli/
- Uzun kelimeler — vurguyu doğru yere koyun: communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, essentially /ɪˈsɛnʃəli/
Türkçe konuşanların zorlandığı sesler:
- /w/ — dudaklar yuvarlak, /v/ değil: withdraw /wɪðˈdɹɔ/, quest /kwɛst/, withhold /wɪθˈhoʊld/
- Kelime başındaki ünsüz kümesi — araya ünlü eklemeyin: quest /kwɛst/, trigger /ˈtɹɪɡɚ/, viewer /ˈvju.ɚ/, fret /fɹɛt/, trickle /ˈtɹɪkəl/
- /æ/ — “e”den daha açık: passive /ˈpæs.ɪv/, anger /ˈæŋɡə/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, absence /ˈæb.s(ə)n̩s/, abstract /ˈæbˌstɹækt/
Bu videoyla nasıl çalışılır
- Videonun tamamını konuşmadan bir kez dinleyin ve bilmediğiniz kelimeleri not edin.
- 0,75× hızla başlayın, cümle cümle tekrar edin ve kolaylaşınca normal hıza dönün.
- Kendinizi kaydedin ve orijinaliyle karşılaştırın; silence, silent, punish gibi kelimelere özellikle dikkat edin.
Gölgeleme Tekniği Nedir?
Gölgeleme, başlangıçta profesyonel tercüman eğitimi için geliştirilen ve çok dilli Dr. Alexander Arguelles tarafından popüler hale getirilen, bilim destekli bir dil öğrenme tekniğidir. Yöntem basit ama güçlüdür: ana dili İngilizce olan bir sesi dinler ve hemen yüksek sesle tekrar edersiniz — konuşmacıyı 1-2 saniye gecikmeyle takip eden bir gölge gibi. Pasif dinleme veya dilbilgisi alıştırmalarının aksine, gölgeleme beyninizi ve ağız kaslarınızı gerçek konuşma kalıplarını eşzamanlı olarak işlemeye ve yeniden üretmeye zorlar. Araştırmalar, telaffuz doğruluğu, tonlama, ritim, bağlı konuşma, dinleme anlama ve konuşma akıcılığını önemli ölçüde geliştirdiğini göstermektedir — bu da onu IELTS Konuşma hazırlığı ve gerçek dünya İngilizce iletişimi için en etkili yöntemlerden biri yapar.