Prática de Shadowing: Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It - Aprenda a falar inglês com vídeo
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Have you ever been in a relationship where every time you have a conflict,
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even a small one, the other person just shuts down and doesn't wanna talk?
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How do you deal with that?
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That's what I'm talking about today.
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I'm Dr. Tracy Marks, a psychiatrist, and I make mental health education and self -improvement videos.
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Today's video is based on a viewer question from Boss Kitty, and she said, I'm here for the advice.
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My boyfriend and I just started, four months, and he doesn't know how to express himself emotionally or have a conversation concerning our relationship.
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Every time I tell him his absence to our talks affects me and we need to talk about it,
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he blows up and gets angry and so on, which leads me to silence and soak in all my concerns.
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It's difficult.
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I also suffer with depression and I deal with it fine on my own.
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Now I have to develop ways to deal with this and not show it in my face.
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Please tell me how to deal with this.
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Thank you.
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Thank you Boss Kitty for this question.
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There's a few things going on with this situation.
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You have a boyfriend who doesn't wanna talk and it sounds like he doesn't wanna talk
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when you talk about things like your relationship and then when you try and press him on it, he gets angry.
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His anger makes you withdraw and silently deal with your pain.
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The first thing you need to do is figure out is his lack of talking about the relationship
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because he's not a good communicator or is it because he just doesn't want to talk about it every time you ask?
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I'm assuming that you're not asking him every day, are we okay?
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Because no one wants to be badgered about the state of the relationship
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because the person on the receiving end can feel like they're always having to reassure you.
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And some reassurance can work at first, but after a while, it gets old,
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and he can get tired of always needing to build you up and make you feel secure.
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If this is the case, the solution would be to find different ways to build yourself up and boost your self -confidence.
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But I'm going to assume that that's not the issue here.
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Another possibility is that your boyfriend is not a good communicator.
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So if you start getting too deep with him, he may not know how to express his feelings very well.
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If you keep trying to get him to tell you more about how he feels, he can get defensive and feel attacked
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and then he can attack back with mean comments in response to having his vulnerabilities exposed.
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How would you know if this was the case?
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How much does he talk about other things?
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How good is he at talking about how he feels about something?
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It's one thing to be able to give an observation of a situation because then you can just list the facts,
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but it goes to another level to talk about how a situation affects you emotionally and your opinions about it.
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Some people aren't good at identifying how they feel about something
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so they may relate a story without any secondary level of detail.
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If that's how he communicates he's going to struggle when you're
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when you start talking about your relationship
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because your relationship isn't just a series of facts it's the abstract concept of your connectedness.
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So one thing you can do in this situation is to
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ask him more open -ended questions like how do you feel about that?
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What are your thoughts about that?
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Or how would you handle that?
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Open -ended questions require more than a one -word answer
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and the person who isn't good at communicating but is willing to communicate if you help will try and answer those questions.
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You can get him in the mode of answering more open -ended questions with you
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and then at some point it may get easier for him to answer more open -ended questions about your relationship.
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Here's an example.
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You You go to a barbecue together and you're on your way back home in the car and he says, I like that, that was nice.
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You can say, what did you like about it most?
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He says, I don't know, it was just good.
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You know, it was a good time.
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You don't wanna jump in and say, well what specifically was good?
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I enjoyed it too, but you can't tell me what you liked about it?
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That's the quickest way to get him to shut down
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and not wanna say anything because essentially you're pointing out the problem
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that he probably knows he has at some level that he doesn't have a lot to say.
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Instead give him an example of how you were wanting him to answer the question.
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So he says it was a good time.
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You say I really like the ribs
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and I thought they did a good job of making everyone feel comfortable by having us play games and things.
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These details may trigger him to to add his own details.
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So he may say, yeah, those were some good ribs, and it was nice that they had stuff to do.
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I don't like just sitting around at people's house and eating.
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Do that several times.
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You ask for details, he gives you a basic answer without details, you add your own details.
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He may learn to anticipate what you're asking him
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when you ask for something and he may get better at giving more details and having more to say.
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If he gets more comfortable talking about generic things, he may then get better about talking about emotional things like your relationship.
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So this is just a basic example and I'm making a lot of assumptions here about why he won't talk.
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Of course, there are more specific reasons that have to do with things like
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if you're pressuring him to do something that he doesn't wanna do, like be exclusive or move in or get married.
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Those could be reasons why he doesn't wanna have the relationship talk.
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Now, it's one thing not to talk because you're a poor communicator, but it's another thing entirely,
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to be good at communicating but just choose not to.
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One reason a person may do this is when they're giving you the silent treatment.
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You usually see this in the setting of an argument or if you didn't do something that he wanted you to do.
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The silent treatment is a passive -aggressive way of showing anger and punishing you.
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The person refuses to talk to you.
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Now this doesn't mean literally mean that he's ignoring you.
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Instead you may get one one -word answers to questions.
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The answers lack detail because he doesn't want to talk to you about it.
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Also, he doesn't initiate any conversation until the period is over.
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So the only time he talks is when he's answering a question from you and then it's super brief.
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If you ask him, is everything okay?
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He says, yeah, I'm fine.
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When he's in this state, if you press for more details, he may lash out at you just to get you to shut up.
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That's clearly different from the person who lashes out
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because you're pressing him too hard to say things when he has nothing to say.
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If your boyfriend is a silent treatment person, you have a bigger problem, I'm sorry to say,
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because the silent treatment is a way for the person to punish you by shaming you or withholding validation from you.
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An example of that may be that you have a fight about something, he gets mad and yells or says something mean.
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That's not the silent treatment yet then you recognize your part in the fight and you apologize.
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He knows you want to either hear him apologize or tell you it's okay and then everything will be alright,
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but he purposely withholds that assurance so that you can go a while feeling uncomfortable and maybe insecure about the relationship.
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You're naturally going to worry about how long he's going to be angry at you.
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So he He then withdraws and doesn't talk for a while, leaving you to fret about the state of the relationship.
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How do you handle this?
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Well, you can't pull him out of the silence.
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If he's using the silence to punish you, he's not gonna stop until he's satisfied that you've been shamed enough
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or that he's extracted enough pain from you or taught you the lesson that he's trying to teach you.
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So I think the best thing that you can do is ignore him when he's doing this.
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Step away from the situation and get your composure.
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This also gives him a chance to cool down if he's angry.
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Some people who do this need the mental space to work through their emotions on their own.
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And there's nothing wrong with needing some distance when you're hurting or angry.
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The passive aggressive part of this is when he doesn't acknowledge
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that he's responding to hurt and he gives the appearance that everything is fine even though he's acting like you don't exist.
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Then, while you're away from the situation, do things to take care of yourself emotionally.
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That is, do things that soothe you.
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This could be talking to a friend, or going for a walk, or watching a movie.
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If you appear unfazed by his silence,
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chances are he'll break the silence sooner than he otherwise would because it's not having the desired effect.
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Then, when he comes out of the silence, that's when you address whatever issue you were needing to discuss.
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You're not gonna get very far by calling him out on the silent treatment
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because he can just act like he doesn't know what you're talking about.
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And that's the beauty of passive aggression.
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Passive aggression gives the appearance of right doing
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or compliance with the covert negative behavior on the back end that's harder to see.
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So in this case, on the front end, he's saying everything's good
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but I don't know why you keep asking all these questions.
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I said no, but on the back end,
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he's only talking to you if you talk to him and giving bare minimum answers with little to no detail.
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knowing that you want more details and back and forth conversation with him.
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But here's the last point, and this is the reason I say that this is a bigger problem than just not talking.
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Even if you win by getting him to break the silence by ignoring him,
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you don't gain much because he'll find another way to get the same effect of punishing you when he's angry,
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and that's the issue that has to be addressed, the need to punish you.
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Some people believe that if you don't validate them in some way you deserve punishment and that punishment can take different forms.
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This kind of toxic behavior is hard to change but it can change if the person is ready to do some work.
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I did a video on 10 signs of a toxic relationship
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and I guess this would be number 11 but
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if you want to see more toxic behaviors and ways that you can deal with them you can watch that video here.
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If you watch my channel a lot, you'll see that this is a little different from my usual teaching about psychiatric illnesses.
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But mental health is broader than illnesses.
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Beneath the illness is still the need to relate to people.
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I really believe that relationships are the true currency because at the end of the day that's all we have left, relationships.
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And your individual mental well -being is a building block for how you function in the world.
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So that's how this all comes together, becoming the best that you can be has a trickle -down effect.
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So let's just keep pushing forward for the quest for self -improvement at every level.
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See you next time.
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Vocabulário e dicas de fala para esta lição
Esta aula de conversação usa o vídeo “Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It”. As palavras que mais se repetem: relationship, detail, answer. Este vídeo tem 144 frases e 2030 palavras para praticar shadowing. A fala dura 11:25. O falante fala em ritmo natural, cerca de 178 palavras por minuto, próximo de uma conversa do dia a dia. 89% das palavras estão entre as 3.000 mais comuns do inglês, por isso o vocabulário é fácil de acompanhar.
Vocabulário principal deste vídeo
15 palavras do vídeo que vale a pena aprender, com pronúncia e significado:
| Palavra | Pronúncia | Significado |
|---|---|---|
| silence substantivo | /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ | silêncio |
| silent adjetivo | /ˈsaɪ̯lənt/ | silencioso |
| punish verbo | /ˈpʌnɪʃ/ | castigar, punir |
| communicate verbo | /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/ | comunicar |
| passive adjetivo | /ˈpæs.ɪv/ | passivo |
| ignore verbo | /ɪɡˈnɔː/ | ignorar |
| illness substantivo | /ˈɪl.nəs/ | doença, enfermidade |
| toxic adjetivo | /ˈtɒk.sɪk/ | tóxico |
| emotionally advérbio | /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/ | emocionalmente |
| anger substantivo | /ˈæŋɡə/ | raiva, ira |
| punishment substantivo | /ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/ | punição |
| aggressive adjetivo | /əˈɡɹɛs.ɪv/ | agressivo |
| relate verbo | /ɹɪˈleɪt/ | relatar |
| apologize verbo | /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/ | desculpar-se, apologizar |
| withdraw verbo | /wɪðˈdɹɔ/ | retirar |
Phrasal verbs que você vai ouvir
| Palavra | Pronúncia | Significado |
|---|---|---|
| shut down verbo | apagar, encerrar | |
| blow up verbo | explodir | |
| cool down verbo | /kuːl ˈdaʊn/ | esfriar, arrefecer |
| figure out verbo | descobrir, deduzir | |
| point out verbo | apontar | |
| shut up | /ʃʌt ʌp/ | cala a boca, cale-se |
Frases que vale a pena repetir
Frases curtas e completas do vídeo que você pode usar na conversa do dia a dia:
- How do you deal with that?
- How would you know if this was the case?
- What are your thoughts about that?
- You don't wanna jump in and say, well what specifically was good?
- If you ask him, is everything okay?
Gramática neste vídeo
As estruturas que o falante mais usa, com as palavras exatas do vídeo:
| Estrutura | No vídeo |
|---|---|
| Frases condicionais if + oração, will/would + verbo — uma condição e seu resultado | if you help will try |
| Voz passiva be + particípio passado — o foco está no que acontece, não em quem faz | is based · be badgered · you've been shamed |
| Present perfect have/has + particípio passado — uma ação passada que ainda importa agora | Have you ever been · you've been shamed · have left |
| Orações relativas who / which + oração — informação extra sobre uma pessoa ou coisa | person who isn · person who lashes · people who do |
Pronúncia para ficar de olho
O falante usa 64 contrações e formas reduzidas, como doesn't, you're, I'm. Diga-as na forma curta, do jeito que você ouve.
- Os sons de “th”: withdraw /wɪðˈdɹɔ/, beneath /bɪˈniːθ/, withhold /wɪθˈhoʊld/, soothe /suːð/
- Os sons de “sh” e “zh”: punish /ˈpʌnɪʃ/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, punishment /ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/, aggression /əˈɡɹɛʃən/, essentially /ɪˈsɛnʃəli/
- Palavras longas — acerte a sílaba tônica: communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, essentially /ɪˈsɛnʃəli/
Sons difíceis para falantes de português:
- Consoante final — sem acrescentar um “i” depois: silent /ˈsaɪ̯lənt/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, toxic /ˈtɒk.sɪk/, punishment /ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/, relate /ɹɪˈleɪt/
- /l/ final — a língua toca o céu da boca, não vira “u”: yell /jɛl/, trickle /ˈtɹɪkəl/
Como praticar com este vídeo
- Ouça o vídeo inteiro uma vez sem falar e anote as palavras que você não conhece.
- Comece na velocidade 0,75×, faça shadowing frase por frase e volte à velocidade normal quando ficar fácil.
- Grave a sua voz e compare com o original, prestando atenção a palavras como silence, silent, punish.
O que é a Técnica de Shadowing?
Shadowing é uma técnica de aprendizado de idiomas com base científica, originalmente desenvolvida para o treinamento de intérpretes profissionais. O método é simples, mas poderoso: você ouve áudio em inglês nativo e repete imediatamente em voz alta — como uma sombra seguindo o falante com 1-2 segundos de atraso. Pesquisas mostram melhora significativa na precisão da pronúncia, entonação, ritmo, sons conectados, compreensão auditiva e fluência na fala.