Shadowing Practice: Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It - Learn English Speaking with Video

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Have you ever been in a relationship where every time you have a conflict,

even a small one, the other person just shuts down and doesn't wanna talk?

How do you deal with that?

That's what I'm talking about today.

I'm Dr. Tracy Marks, a psychiatrist, and I make mental health education and self -improvement videos.

Today's video is based on a viewer question from Boss Kitty, and she said, I'm here for the advice.

My boyfriend and I just started, four months, and he doesn't know how to express himself emotionally or have a conversation concerning our relationship.

Every time I tell him his absence to our talks affects me and we need to talk about it,

he blows up and gets angry and so on, which leads me to silence and soak in all my concerns.

It's difficult.

I also suffer with depression and I deal with it fine on my own.

Now I have to develop ways to deal with this and not show it in my face.

Please tell me how to deal with this.

Thank you.

Thank you Boss Kitty for this question.

There's a few things going on with this situation.

You have a boyfriend who doesn't wanna talk and it sounds like he doesn't wanna talk

when you talk about things like your relationship and then when you try and press him on it, he gets angry.

His anger makes you withdraw and silently deal with your pain.

The first thing you need to do is figure out is his lack of talking about the relationship

because he's not a good communicator or is it because he just doesn't want to talk about it every time you ask?

I'm assuming that you're not asking him every day, are we okay?

Because no one wants to be badgered about the state of the relationship

because the person on the receiving end can feel like they're always having to reassure you.

And some reassurance can work at first, but after a while, it gets old,

and he can get tired of always needing to build you up and make you feel secure.

If this is the case, the solution would be to find different ways to build yourself up and boost your self -confidence.

But I'm going to assume that that's not the issue here.

Another possibility is that your boyfriend is not a good communicator.

So if you start getting too deep with him, he may not know how to express his feelings very well.

If you keep trying to get him to tell you more about how he feels, he can get defensive and feel attacked

and then he can attack back with mean comments in response to having his vulnerabilities exposed.

How would you know if this was the case?

How much does he talk about other things?

How good is he at talking about how he feels about something?

It's one thing to be able to give an observation of a situation because then you can just list the facts,

but it goes to another level to talk about how a situation affects you emotionally and your opinions about it.

Some people aren't good at identifying how they feel about something

so they may relate a story without any secondary level of detail.

If that's how he communicates he's going to struggle when you're

when you start talking about your relationship

because your relationship isn't just a series of facts it's the abstract concept of your connectedness.

So one thing you can do in this situation is to

ask him more open -ended questions like how do you feel about that?

What are your thoughts about that?

Or how would you handle that?

Open -ended questions require more than a one -word answer

and the person who isn't good at communicating but is willing to communicate if you help will try and answer those questions.

You can get him in the mode of answering more open -ended questions with you

and then at some point it may get easier for him to answer more open -ended questions about your relationship.

Here's an example.

You You go to a barbecue together and you're on your way back home in the car and he says, I like that, that was nice.

You can say, what did you like about it most?

He says, I don't know, it was just good.

You know, it was a good time.

You don't wanna jump in and say, well what specifically was good?

I enjoyed it too, but you can't tell me what you liked about it?

That's the quickest way to get him to shut down

and not wanna say anything because essentially you're pointing out the problem

that he probably knows he has at some level that he doesn't have a lot to say.

Instead give him an example of how you were wanting him to answer the question.

So he says it was a good time.

You say I really like the ribs

and I thought they did a good job of making everyone feel comfortable by having us play games and things.

These details may trigger him to to add his own details.

So he may say, yeah, those were some good ribs, and it was nice that they had stuff to do.

I don't like just sitting around at people's house and eating.

Do that several times.

You ask for details, he gives you a basic answer without details, you add your own details.

He may learn to anticipate what you're asking him

when you ask for something and he may get better at giving more details and having more to say.

If he gets more comfortable talking about generic things, he may then get better about talking about emotional things like your relationship.

So this is just a basic example and I'm making a lot of assumptions here about why he won't talk.

Of course, there are more specific reasons that have to do with things like

if you're pressuring him to do something that he doesn't wanna do, like be exclusive or move in or get married.

Those could be reasons why he doesn't wanna have the relationship talk.

Now, it's one thing not to talk because you're a poor communicator, but it's another thing entirely,

to be good at communicating but just choose not to.

One reason a person may do this is when they're giving you the silent treatment.

You usually see this in the setting of an argument or if you didn't do something that he wanted you to do.

The silent treatment is a passive -aggressive way of showing anger and punishing you.

The person refuses to talk to you.

Now this doesn't mean literally mean that he's ignoring you.

Instead you may get one one -word answers to questions.

The answers lack detail because he doesn't want to talk to you about it.

Also, he doesn't initiate any conversation until the period is over.

So the only time he talks is when he's answering a question from you and then it's super brief.

If you ask him, is everything okay?

He says, yeah, I'm fine.

When he's in this state, if you press for more details, he may lash out at you just to get you to shut up.

That's clearly different from the person who lashes out

because you're pressing him too hard to say things when he has nothing to say.

If your boyfriend is a silent treatment person, you have a bigger problem, I'm sorry to say,

because the silent treatment is a way for the person to punish you by shaming you or withholding validation from you.

An example of that may be that you have a fight about something, he gets mad and yells or says something mean.

That's not the silent treatment yet then you recognize your part in the fight and you apologize.

He knows you want to either hear him apologize or tell you it's okay and then everything will be alright,

but he purposely withholds that assurance so that you can go a while feeling uncomfortable and maybe insecure about the relationship.

You're naturally going to worry about how long he's going to be angry at you.

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So he He then withdraws and doesn't talk for a while, leaving you to fret about the state of the relationship.

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How do you handle this?

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Well, you can't pull him out of the silence.

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If he's using the silence to punish you, he's not gonna stop until he's satisfied that you've been shamed enough

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or that he's extracted enough pain from you or taught you the lesson that he's trying to teach you.

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So I think the best thing that you can do is ignore him when he's doing this.

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Step away from the situation and get your composure.

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This also gives him a chance to cool down if he's angry.

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Some people who do this need the mental space to work through their emotions on their own.

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And there's nothing wrong with needing some distance when you're hurting or angry.

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The passive aggressive part of this is when he doesn't acknowledge

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that he's responding to hurt and he gives the appearance that everything is fine even though he's acting like you don't exist.

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Then, while you're away from the situation, do things to take care of yourself emotionally.

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That is, do things that soothe you.

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This could be talking to a friend, or going for a walk, or watching a movie.

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If you appear unfazed by his silence,

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chances are he'll break the silence sooner than he otherwise would because it's not having the desired effect.

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Then, when he comes out of the silence, that's when you address whatever issue you were needing to discuss.

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You're not gonna get very far by calling him out on the silent treatment

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because he can just act like he doesn't know what you're talking about.

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And that's the beauty of passive aggression.

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Passive aggression gives the appearance of right doing

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or compliance with the covert negative behavior on the back end that's harder to see.

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So in this case, on the front end, he's saying everything's good

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but I don't know why you keep asking all these questions.

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I said no, but on the back end,

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he's only talking to you if you talk to him and giving bare minimum answers with little to no detail.

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knowing that you want more details and back and forth conversation with him.

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But here's the last point, and this is the reason I say that this is a bigger problem than just not talking.

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Even if you win by getting him to break the silence by ignoring him,

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you don't gain much because he'll find another way to get the same effect of punishing you when he's angry,

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and that's the issue that has to be addressed, the need to punish you.

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Some people believe that if you don't validate them in some way you deserve punishment and that punishment can take different forms.

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This kind of toxic behavior is hard to change but it can change if the person is ready to do some work.

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I did a video on 10 signs of a toxic relationship

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and I guess this would be number 11 but

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if you want to see more toxic behaviors and ways that you can deal with them you can watch that video here.

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If you watch my channel a lot, you'll see that this is a little different from my usual teaching about psychiatric illnesses.

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But mental health is broader than illnesses.

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Beneath the illness is still the need to relate to people.

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I really believe that relationships are the true currency because at the end of the day that's all we have left, relationships.

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And your individual mental well -being is a building block for how you function in the world.

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So that's how this all comes together, becoming the best that you can be has a trickle -down effect.

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So let's just keep pushing forward for the quest for self -improvement at every level.

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See you next time.

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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

This speaking lesson is built on the video “Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It”. The speaker keeps coming back to these words: relationship, detail, answer. This video has 144 sentences and 2030 words to shadow. The speech runs for 11:25. The speaker talks at a natural 178 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 89% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is easy to follow.

Key vocabulary in this video

15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
silence noun	/ˈsaɪ̯ləns/	The absence of any sound.
silent adjective	/ˈsaɪ̯lənt/	Free from sound or noise; absolutely still; perfectly quiet.
punish verb	/ˈpʌnɪʃ/	To cause (a child, student, or someone else being looked after, or a suspect or criminal) to suffer for crime or misconduct, to administer disciplinary action…
communicate verb	/kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/	To impart or transmit (information or knowledge) to someone; to make known, to tell.
passive adjective	/ˈpæs.ɪv/	Being subjected to an action without producing a reaction.
ignore verb	/ɪɡˈnɔː/	To deliberately not listen or pay attention to.
illness noun	/ˈɪl.nəs/	An instance (episode) of a disease or poor health.
toxic adjective	/ˈtɒk.sɪk/	Having a chemical nature that is harmful to health or lethal if consumed or otherwise entering into the body in sufficient quantities.
emotionally adverb	/ɪˈməʊʃənəli/	In an emotional manner; displaying emotion.
anger noun	/ˈæŋɡə/	A strong and unpleasant feeling of displeasure, hostility, or antagonism, usually combined with an urge to yell, curse, damage or destroy things, or harm…
punishment noun	/ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/	The act (action) or process of punishing, imposing and/or applying a sanction, typically by an authority or a person in authority (for example: a parent or…
aggressive adjective	/əˈɡɹɛs.ɪv/	Characterized by aggression; highly combative; prone to behave in a way that involves attacking (especially if unjustly) or arguing.
relate verb	/ɹɪˈleɪt/	To tell in a descriptive way.
apologize verb	/əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/	To make an apology or excuse; to acknowledge some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it, by way of amends
withdraw verb	/wɪðˈdɹɔ/	To draw or pull (something) away or back from its original position or situation.

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Word	Pronunciation	Meaning
shut down verb		To close, terminate, or end; to stop operating, either permanently or temporarily.
blow up verb		To explode or be destroyed by explosion.
come together verb	/ˈkʌm tʊˈɡɛðɚ/	To assemble; to congregate; to combine.
cool down verb	/kuːl ˈdaʊn/	To become cooler; to be reduced in temperature.
figure out verb		To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce.
point out verb		To identify among a group of similar subjects, or in a scene where the subject might not be readily seen or noticed, with a gesture of the body.
shut up	/ʃʌt ʌp/	Stop talking (usually in the form of making annoying, irrelevant, or false comments, during a period of peace and quiet, or when one is not allowed to talk)…
work through verb		To get past a difficult or stressful situation by thinking or talking about it.

Sentences worth repeating

Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:

How do you deal with that?
How would you know if this was the case?
What are your thoughts about that?
You don't wanna jump in and say, well what specifically was good?
If you ask him, is everything okay?

Grammar in this video

The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:

Structure	In the video
Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result	if you help will try
Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it	is based · be badgered · you've been shamed
Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now	Have you ever been · you've been shamed · have left
Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing	person who isn · person who lashes · people who do

Pronunciation to watch

The speaker uses 64 contractions and reduced forms, such as doesn't, you're, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.

The “th” sounds: withdraw /wɪðˈdɹɔ/, beneath /bɪˈniːθ/, withhold /wɪθˈhoʊld/, soothe /suːð/
The “sh” and “zh” sounds: punish /ˈpʌnɪʃ/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, punishment /ˈpʌnɪʃmənt/, aggression /əˈɡɹɛʃən/, essentially /ɪˈsɛnʃəli/
Long words — get the stress right: communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, emotionally /ɪˈməʊʃənəli/, apologize /əˈpɑləˌd͡ʒaɪz/, naturally /ˈnæt͡ʃ.(ə.)ɹə.li/, essentially /ɪˈsɛnʃəli/

How to practise with this video

Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like silence, silent, punish.

What is the Shadowing Technique?

Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.

Shadowing technique: read the full step-by-step guide →

Shadowing Practice: Poor Communicator or The Silent Treatment? How to Deal With It - Learn English Speaking with Video

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نحوه رفتار با پارتنر اجتنابی

Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson

Key vocabulary in this video

Phrasal verbs you will hear

Sentences worth repeating

Grammar in this video

Pronunciation to watch

How to practise with this video

What is the Shadowing Technique?