Pratique du Shadowing: The uncomfortable question you should ask on every first date | Alain de Botton - Apprendre l'anglais à l'oral avec la vidéo
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Optimism is the enemy of love.
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If we think that we will have a perfect love story, no, it's not gonna happen.
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We need to accept that even a really good relationship has constant moments of crisis.
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So pessimism is not an enemy of love.
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Knowing that there is no such thing as the right person actually helps you to find a good enough person.
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You know, compatibility is not a precondition of love.
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Compatibility is the fruit of love.
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My name is Alain de Botton.
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I'm a philosopher, psychotherapist, and founder of the School of Life.
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The playbook for a successful relationship.
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First of all, the idea of a playbook sounds strange.
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The idea of a playbook that you need to create to get in a relationship sounds really odd.
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You think, I don't need a playbook.
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I just need to head on in there, get a dating app, and off I go, and a nice new pair of clothes.
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But isn't it interesting and wouldn't it be lovely to have a playbook
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that would be trying to guide you to acquire the knowledge that you need for love?
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So the idea that love is a skill rather than an emotion is a strange one,
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but I think an absolutely essential one in the worldview that I'm positing.
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You know, if somebody said, I'm going to climb
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Mount Everest or K2, you would say, OK, how have you prepared for this?
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And you'd be expecting them to show up with ropes, with training programs, with oxygen, with specially prepared packs of food.
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You can get the metaphor.
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We walk into the mountain of love without sufficient preparation and equipment.
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And then we're surprised that we routinely tumble off the mountain and we blame the other person.
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We say we didn't match the right person.
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We haven't found our person.
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We go back on the dating app and we go ever further to try and find the right person.
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Don't get me wrong.
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Dating apps have their role.
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Sometimes we need to scan and see who's out there
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and find a person who halfway meets us where we want to be.
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But once you've found a more or less suitable person, that's when the work begins.
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And the work is to turn a stranger into somebody that you can understand and who can understand you without bottling it,
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without panicking, without throwing them in the bin, without saying we can't work this out if after five weeks
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and a pleasant mini break in Copenhagen we suddenly have a conflict.
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No, the point is you need to stay where you are and try and figure it out.
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But most people give up too soon, they say we can't possibly do this, and they run for the hills, go back on the dating app
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and find the next person with whom
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they will then try out an equally unfulfilling attempt to match their heart with a stranger's.
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What we need to do is to start to create right people rather than search for them.
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And what does that mean to create a right person?
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It means to work on yourself psychologically and therapeutically so
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that you understand your script from childhood and do not simply play it out onto innocent person after innocent person,
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that you take responsibility for the problems that you are bringing into a relationship.
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At the School of Life, which I founded, an institution that is dedicated to emotional growth and development,
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we tell our people that when they're on a date with somebody, among the first questions is to ask people playfully, how are you crazy?
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What does that mean, how are you crazy?
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Why is everybody crazy?
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They're not necessarily crazy.
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Well, all of us have stuff that we need to be on top of.
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And if your person at dinner says to you, yeah, I get the question.
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Yeah, I've got my crazy and my crazy is this, my crazy is that, my father, my mother.
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This is turning out to be a safe person.
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If the person goes, how do you mean?
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I can't possibly answer that question.
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That's rude.
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You think I'm not right or imperfect.
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Run for the hills.
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Drop it right there and then.
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I'm exaggerating, but this is probably not a person you should be hanging out with
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because none of us need or can have perfect partners.
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But what we can have and must search for
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and must try to become is people who know enough about
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their patterns to be able to warn their prospective partners of what's going on and take averting action.
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The beginning of therapeutic relationships is to know that two people,
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when entering a couple, are not entering without a lot of history.
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It is essential that couples learn as much as possible about
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that history so that they are ready for the challenges and perplexities of love.
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A therapeutic relationship requires that each partner get on top of their dynamics
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that date back to childhood and are able to discuss them with relative grace, patience, and insight with their partner so that when problems arise,
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and they will, they can adopt a therapeutic language.
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It is therapeutic to say, for example, when there is a conflict.
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I hear your point of view.
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It may not be mine, but I hear that it's yours.
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It is not therapeutic to say you're wrong, you're an idiot and you're just like your mother or indeed like your father.
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This is not therapeutic.
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I'm kidding, but I'm making a very serious point indeed.
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We do not tend to talk to each other in therapeutically informed language.
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We shout, we scream, we blame, we shape shift.
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We don't take responsibility.
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We do all sorts of things that doom us in relationships.
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Then we stand back and we say we're surprised.
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We are a society that is obsessed with finding the right person without pausing to think, how do I become the right person?
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How do I work on myself?
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Understanding that cannot be done simply, and this is paradoxical, by being on your own.
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This is another unbelievable mystery.
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You can't understand yourself just by being with yourself.
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You need other people.
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Why is that?
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It's like, why do you need a mirror to see the back of your head? because we don't have eyes there.
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We need someone to help us to see the things that are really hard for us to see.
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And psychotherapy gives us a forum in which we can come, tell the therapist about what's going on in our lives, explain what happened last Monday,
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explain what happened when we took that trip to New York or Buffalo, wherever it is, what happened, and then slowly pattern recognition sets in.
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The therapist is able to go, it's funny in that last relationship you did this this new relationship you're doing
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that and you mentioned that your parent did something
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that sounds kind of similar so I wonder what's going on
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and then slowly insight comes we start to put the pieces together
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we think I'm up to something I'm doing something and
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that way is liberation we can start to break the unconscious stories
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that we're living psychotherapy works with this concept known as defenses or defense mechanisms.
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In other words, these are tools that our minds adopt to try and shield themselves from accurate knowledge of their own workings.
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This could sound really odd, like why don't we just embrace self -knowledge with open arms?
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Why do we need to run away from it?
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The answer is that knowledge of ourselves is frightening.
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It's really awful to have to learn certain things.
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It may make us very anxious.
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It may make us so sorrowful.
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It may panic us.
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And so we push away unwelcome information.
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I think that we still perhaps can't quite bear how complicated we are.
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You know, we're very squeamish creatures.
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We don't like to sit with ourselves.
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We don't like to sit with our emotions.
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Self -knowledge remains an enormously elusive goal.
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You know, I think it is the most important goal of life.
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To understand oneself is literally the meaning of life.
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The ancient Greeks knew this, you know, know thyself was the most important command in ancient
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Greek culture and philosophy.
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Know thyself, most important thing you could do.
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If you said nowadays, you know, in a conversation with friends or colleagues, you know, what's your goal?
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Where are you trying to get to next year?
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What are you trying to do?
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Say, know thyself.
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People would go, that's a strange person there.
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We don't know about this person, right?
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It's not an acceptable goal.
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We know that it's good to make money.
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We know that it's good to travel to foreign countries to learn how to fry garlic and to learn salsa.
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It's not particularly esteemed to know yourself.
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And that's why we wander around strangers to ourselves and therefore enormously confusing, and let's put it frankly, dangerous to other people.
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Because a person who doesn't understand themselves.
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You know, if confronted with their behavior, will go, it wasn't me, I didn't do it, or I can't think, or, you know, ask me tomorrow.
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They can't account for themselves.
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They don't know why they do the stuff they do.
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They will simply, in a relationship, for example, bail out of a relationship going, you know, it's getting too intense. And why?
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They don't know.
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They don't understand what they themselves are doing.
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Even though, you know, they may have spent five years learning Spanish.
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They may have taken an advanced degree in Japanese.
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They may be very active in all sorts of ways.
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They may have learned pottery.
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They may be holding down a great job in marketing, something.
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But the point is they will not have learned the really true constituents of emotional functioning
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because they've been able to get away with it.
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And part of the playbook of becoming a better lover is to dial down your defense mechanisms, to observe them.
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Typical defense mechanism is to push responsibility onto other people to say
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it's your fault for example someone tries to tell you something about yourself someone says i think
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that you you know you're a little bit this when
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that happens you know and rather than going thank you let me think about
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that you go why are you being rude uh
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or this is not a good time for me
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or i can't absorb this now in other words you push away information
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that might have helped you not because it's false but because it's difficult to absorb and that's often
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what happens to us all of us all of us are
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involved in defense mechanisms all of us can't quite bear the full truth about ourselves
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it helps us to go to psychotherapy i know
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that you know ai is you know delivers some aspects of therapy
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it can be good at points the good thing about a real human being is
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that they are not guided just by you they've got their own independent judgment
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and also you're in a relationship with them and
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that relationship is part of what heals you
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because the relationship with the therapist is a harbinger of the relationship that you can then take out into the world,
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a relationship of trust and mutual understanding.
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This is something that AI is not going to be able to replace anytime soon.
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So we need to understand ourselves.
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We need to understand the past.
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And then we need a certain spirit.
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One of the things that we need in that playbook of love is a good sense of humor.
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That could sound superfluous, like what on earth, you know, why do we need a sense of humor?
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Well, a sense of humor is a modesty about our capacity to understand anything.
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And if we can signal to our partners that, you know, we're a little stupid, we don't get it, we don't have all the answers,
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that is a wonderful emollient, it's a wonderful lubricant to love because it just dials down the temperature.
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If your partner is able to say, ah, I may not have understood this, I may not be getting it, that's brilliant.
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And if they can make a little joke too, that's great.
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You know, if two people can learn to see each other as idiots, but lovable idiots.
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That's a beautiful moment in love.
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It could sound negative.
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It's not, it's not.
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It's the most generous thing you can do.
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We are two blind people helping each other to find a way forward.
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If that's the spirit in which we can enter love, that is a spirit of generosity, a spirit of mutual forgiveness.
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Too often we get on our high horses.
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This is the way it is.
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I know the answer.
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This is what I think.
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That is not a friend of love.
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So we need, if you like a modesty, a humorous modesty.
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Let me give you another idea.
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Another thing that we need in order to make love work is a certain degree of pessimism.
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You know, optimism is the enemy of love.
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If we think that we will have a perfect love story, a love story with no ruffles in it, with no kinks in it,
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no, it's not going to happen.
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We need to accept that even a really good relationship has constant moments of crisis.
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And that's okay.
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The problem is not crisis.
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The problem is how do we repair crises?
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Can we repair them with forgiveness, with understanding, and most of all, with curiosity?
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Can we get curious about why we had a bus stop?
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Can we be searching for why our attachment patterns are not compatible?
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Can we get interested in why we're difficult to love?
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And that way, will become easier to love.
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So pessimism is not an enemy of love.
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Knowing that there is no such thing as the right person actually helps you to find a good enough person.
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You know, a few years ago, I read an essay that went viral.
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I read it for the New York Times.
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It was called, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.
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Why did that essay go viral?
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I think it went viral because people all feel, sorry, let me correct that not all people,
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but many, many people feel that they have married the wrong person.
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And they panic about this and they feel so ashamed.
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So here's an essay in the New York Times that says, yeah, we're all going to marry the wrong person.
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And you know what?
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It's okay.
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You don't need to marry the right person.
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You need to marry a good enough person.
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You know, compatibility is not a precondition of love.
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Compatibility is the fruit of love if we get together with someone and we find that there are differences, right?
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They have one kind of attachment style, we have another.
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They like golf, we like tennis.
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They like the curtains to be green, we like the curtains to be yellow, whatever it is.
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Too often in modern romantic dating culture, the answer is get out, just get out.
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Find someone else, find someone better.
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And that's why all the technological tools are all about putting new people in front of you.
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Of course, sometimes you need to find new people, But as much as finding new people,
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what you need to do is to learn to live with the people who are in front of you, with the people that you found.
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Many of us have already found a good enough partner, and yet we throw them in the bin
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because we are taught by romantic culture that we can always find a perfect person with whom it will click immediately.
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And this is such a destructive idea.
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If you think, you know what, the work starts here, the work starts when you have a problem,
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Then you roll up your sleeves and you think, OK, well, I know that I broadly think this person is a nice person.
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Now we're going to work at making sure that it can work.
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And so we're going to talk and we're going to take this problem apart.
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We're going to become like engineers who've got a malfunctioning machine.
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We're going to sort it out.
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This sounds unromantic, doesn't it?
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Imagine saying, in order to make my relationship work, every evening I've talked for an hour in really patient ways.
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You think, oh my god, go to Vegas, find someone easier.
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Well, good luck to you.
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Maybe you'll find that person.
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But for some of us, especially some of us who've come through difficult relationships, difficult relationships in our past,
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we may need to go and do that kind of excavation.
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Maybe that's fine.
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I think that a good enough person is someone who will engage with the business of working towards compatibility,
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that they won't assume that you are wrong just because there are problems.
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They will know how to repair crises they will know how to be curious, they will know how to listen,
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they will know how to be patient.
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That is compatible with all sorts of problems, sexual problems, relational problems, administrative problems, doesn't matter.
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You can work through them.
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So the wrong person is someone who stonewalls, who always blames you, who blanks out, who says, it's not my responsibility,
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or, you know, it was easier with my ex, and, you know, why are you so difficult,
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etc these people are trouble because they are refusing the work of love
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so it doesn't matter
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if you have many many difficulties that's okay the problem is your attitude to the difficulties
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and the solution is an attitude of indulgence of curiosity
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and of calm consideration of the flaws
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that unite us all we are all mad monkeys and
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so long as we've been kind towards the mad monkey in
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all of us we'll be okay one of the real problems and you know there's there's simply no solution,
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but we need to accept that there's a real problem, is how long it takes to work out who we are as lovers,
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as people interested in relationships, who we are.
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It takes so long, and it takes especially long to try and change our patterns.
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You know, if we are somebody who sabotages relationships every time that love comes along, how long is that going to take to unwind this?
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Well, it takes insight, but then it takes, as it were, work, true work.
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And sometimes people go to therapy for six sessions or 12 sessions and they go, I haven't changed.
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Therapy doesn't work.
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And let's come back to my earlier example about language.
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Imagine that you decided middle age as an English speaker to pick up Korean
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or Finnish and you went to six lessons and you tried to learn
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Finnish and Korean.
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And by the end of six lessons, you could barely ask for, you know, barely say your own name or say hello.
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And then you blamed it on the whole process and you said, I'm not learning this language.
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It's rubbish.
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People would say you're being too impatient.
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And I think that some of the same holds true for rewiring our emotional language.
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We can't pick this up in six sessions of 50 minutes.
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It takes a long time.
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A pattern that was laid down over decades is going to take many, many years to figure it out.
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It's, I mean, believe me, it's bad news.
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I wish it weren't so.
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Can we do anything in the meantime?
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Yes, of course we can.
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We can, you know, we can be learning and walking.
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We don't have to pause and just sit by the roadside.
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We can be starting on the path of relationships.
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We can be starting from a relatively young age, but we need to be doing the work alongside,
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and we need to be able to at least do the first thing, which is to say, I'm learning.
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I'm a learner.
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There's a real difference between someone who goes, I know it all, and someone who knows that they are still learning.
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When Socrates, the ancient
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Greek philosopher was asked why he was the wisest person in antiquity, he said, because I know what I don't know.
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In other words, that the birth of true wisdom is associated with a knowledge of your ignorance.
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I think that's the best way we can proceed also in relation to our love lives.
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There are lots of questions that we could learn to ask ourselves
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and our partners in order to try
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and find a better relationship one of them is this
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when i get close to you how does
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that feel right to open up a window onto some of the complexities
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that occur when somebody gets close
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if i love you what part of you might worry right
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that's a good question does any part of you worry another really useful question is how do I respond
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when someone is trying to communicate something to me?
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Do I stonewall or do I accept?
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Am I able to pause and think the issue might be with me?
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Or do I always have to go, I can't answer that.
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It's the other person.
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You're being unfair.
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You're putting me under pressure.
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What is your level of emotional dexterity?
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So that's a good question to be asking yourself as well
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also one of the really good questions in any relationship is to say how have i annoyed
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you how have i frustrated you you know a lot of what happens between couples is there are things
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that are bubbling away beneath the surface that people can't find the courage
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to say and
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because they can't say them the problem doesn't improve the problem
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gets worse people can't have sex anymore a lot of the reason why people can't have sex
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it's got nothing to do with sex is to do with the fact they feel disconnected and angry and misunderstood.
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You can't have sex with someone who you feel misunderstood by or you feel furious with.
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what helps desire is trust and the way to build up trust is to communicate
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and particularly communicate ruptures of trust so
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if you want to have good sex don't get a candle
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don't go to a hotel start to ask each other have i annoyed you is there something i've done
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that you'd like to tell me
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and you say this patiently not in the middle of the night
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when you're stressed or maybe you've drunk too much but
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when you're calm when there's a sense of you know lightness and forgiveness.
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Use the right moment to ask the right question.
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We're living in a world where therapeutic language and insights have spread for the first time far outside the consulting room.
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There is mass adoption at a superficial level of therapeutic language.
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And the area where we find this most obviously is social media, and in particular, Instagram, which is enormous.
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It's an enormous force in the world.
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And it has brought up a generation, I'd say, to speak in pseudo or vaguely therapeutic terms.
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I don't mean that as an insult.
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Some of these insights have been fantastic.
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People are now able to talk about, let's say, attachment theory.
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The mention of an avoidant attachment theory
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or an anxious attachment theory in many circles now doesn't create the puzzlement that it was generating 15 years ago.
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15 years ago, this was not common knowledge.
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That That was still in the university, in textbooks, and in the consulting room.
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Now it's out in the world.
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And the medium that has changed this, as I say, is social media.
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What's the problem?
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I'll tell you one of the problems.
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One of the problems is whose fault it is.
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The tone of a lot of social media posting blames the problem for the struggles in relationships fairly
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and squarely on the partner, not on yourself.
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There is an obsession with finding borderline people, narcissistic people, avoidance, anxious people out in the world.
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And of course they exist, but the tone is the problem.
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The tone says, get out.
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These are red flags and everybody that you're meeting, the reason why you haven't made a relationship work is because these people are unbalanced psychologically.
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My answer is this.
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If you are looking to find a person with no problems at all, with no psychological disturbances, good luck to you.
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If you're looking to find somebody with no red flags, good luck to you.
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Everybody has red flags.
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That's part of what it means to be human.
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That's the story of Genesis.
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The story of Genesis is Adam and Eve had some red flags.
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That's what it is to be human being, is somebody with a red flag.
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So the problem is not the red flag, it's how you deal with it.
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And this is what I worry that therapeutic culture on social media doesn't train us to do.
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It doesn't train us for patience.
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It doesn't train us to think we might be the problem.
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It doesn't ask us to think what we've brought to the situation.
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It doesn't create an atmosphere of forgiveness.
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The reason is very simple.
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Outrage sells.
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It's more fun.
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It feels more spirited.
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It's punchier to say, that ex of yours, they're the avoidant, they're crazy, they're narcissistic.
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It sounds better and it leaves everybody happier.
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But long term, it's not the solution.
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Vocabulaire et conseils d’expression pour cette leçon
Cette leçon d’expression orale s’appuie sur la vidéo « The uncomfortable question you should ask on every first date ». Cette vidéo contient 371 phrases et 4309 mots à répéter en shadowing. La partie parlée dure 23:33. Le locuteur parle vite, environ 183 mots par minute : attendez-vous à des liaisons et à des sons réduits. 87 % des mots font partie des 3 000 mots les plus courants en anglais, le vocabulaire est donc facile à suivre.
Vocabulaire clé de cette vidéo
15 mots de la vidéo à retenir, avec leur prononciation et leur sens :
| Mot | Prononciation | Sens |
|---|---|---|
| therapeutic adjectif | /ˌθɛɹ.əˈpjuː.tɪk/ | thérapeutique |
| insight nom | /ˈɪnsaɪ̯t/ | introspection |
| attachment nom | /əˈtæt͡ʃmənt/ | attachement |
| compatibility nom | /kəmˌpætəˈbɪlɪti/ | compatibilité |
| marry verbe | /ˈmæɹi/ | se marier, épouser |
| mechanism nom | /ˈmɛk.ə.nɪ.zəm/ | mécanisme |
| forgiveness nom | /fɚˈɡɪvnəs/ | pardon |
| tone nom | /ˈtəʊn/ | ton |
| repair verbe | /ˈɹiːpɛɚ/ | réparer |
| essay nom | /ˈɛs.eɪ/ | essai, rédaction |
| communicate verbe | /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/ | communiquer |
| anxious adjectif | /ˈæŋkʃəs/ | inquiet |
| therapist nom | /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/ | thérapeute |
| humour nom | /ˈhjuːmɚ/ | humour |
| lesson nom | /ˈlɛs.ən/ | leçon |
Les verbes à particule que vous entendrez
| Mot | Sens |
|---|---|
| get out verbe | sortir |
| go back on verbe | revenir sur |
| bring up verbe | élever |
| build up verbe | s'accumuler, s'entasser |
| come along verbe | accompagner, venir |
| get away with verbe | s'en tirer |
| give up verbe | se rendre |
| hold down verbe | baisser, maintenir à terre |
Des phrases à répéter
Des phrases courtes et complètes de la vidéo, à réutiliser dans la conversation de tous les jours :
- What does that mean, how are you crazy?
- If the person goes, how do you mean?
- How do I work on myself?
- Why do we need to run away from it?
- Where are you trying to get to next year?
La grammaire de cette vidéo
Les structures que le locuteur utilise le plus, avec les mots exacts de la vidéo :
| Structure | Dans la vidéo |
|---|---|
| Phrases conditionnelles if + proposition, will/would + verbe — une condition et son résultat | If we think that we will have · if confronted with their behavior, will go |
| Present perfect have/has + participe passé — une action passée qui compte encore maintenant | have you prepared · haven't found · you've found |
| Propositions relatives who / which + proposition — une précision sur une personne ou une chose | person who halfway · people who know · person who doesn |
| Voix passive be + participe passé — l’accent est mis sur ce qui arrive, pas sur qui le fait | cannot be done · are not guided · was called |
Prononciation à surveiller
Le locuteur utilise 118 contractions et formes réduites, comme don't, can't, we're. Prononcez-les sous leur forme courte, telles que vous les entendez.
- Les sons « th »: therapeutic /ˌθɛɹ.əˈpjuː.tɪk/, therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, beneath /bɪˈniːθ/, psychotherapy /ˌsaɪkoʊˈθɛɹəpi/, therapeutically /ˌθɛɹ.əˈpju.tɪk.li/
- Les sons « sh » et « zh »: anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/, patience /ˈpeɪ̯.ʃəns/, emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, recognition /ˌɹɛkəɡˈnɪʃ(ə)n/, institution /ˌɪn.stɪˈtʃuː.ʃən/
- Mots longs — placez bien l’accent: therapeutic /ˌθɛɹ.əˈpjuː.tɪk/, compatibility /kəmˌpætəˈbɪlɪti/, mechanism /ˈmɛk.ə.nɪ.zəm/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, difficulty /ˈdɪfɪkəlti/
Les sons difficiles pour les francophones :
- /h/ — il se souffle, il n’est pas muet: humour /ˈhjuːmɚ/, wherever /(h)wɛɹˈɛvɚ/, halfway /ˌhæfˈweɪ/, humorous /ˈhjuːməɹəs/
- /tʃ/ et /dʒ/ — à ne pas adoucir en « ch » et « j »: attachment /əˈtæt͡ʃmənt/, mutual /ˈmjuːt͡ʃuəl/, institution /ˌɪn.stɪˈtʃuː.ʃən/, engage /ɪnˈɡeɪd͡ʒ/, courage /ˈkʌ.ɹɪd͡ʒ/
- /r/ anglais — langue recourbée, sans frotter la gorge: therapeutic /ˌθɛɹ.əˈpjuː.tɪk/, marry /ˈmæɹi/, repair /ˈɹiːpɛɚ/, viral /ˈvaɪɹəl/, therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/
Comment s’entraîner avec cette vidéo
- Écoutez la vidéo en entier une fois sans parler et notez les mots que vous ne connaissez pas.
- Commencez à la vitesse 0,75×, répétez phrase par phrase, puis revenez à la vitesse normale quand cela devient facile.
- Enregistrez-vous et comparez avec l’original, en faisant attention à des mots comme therapeutic, insight, attachment.
Qu'est-ce que la technique du Shadowing ?
Le Shadowing est une technique d'apprentissage des langues fondée sur la science, développée à l'origine pour la formation des interprètes professionnels. Le principe est simple mais puissant : vous écoutez de l'anglais natif et le répétez immédiatement à voix haute — comme une ombre suivant le locuteur avec un décalage de 1 à 2 secondes. Les recherches montrent une amélioration significative de la précision de la prononciation, de l'intonation, du rythme, des liaisons, de la compréhension orale et de la fluidité.