Shadowing Practice: 4 Small Things That Make People Feel Closer to You - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Hey, it's your friend
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Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
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I am thrilled that you're here.
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I love the topic that we're going to talk about today.
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It's always an honor to spend this time with you.
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And if you're new or somebody shared this with you,
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I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
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Today, you're going to learn all about this one skill that makes everyone like you.
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And I'm going to teach you four simple ways to practice it.
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And so you're probably wondering, Mel, I'm in.
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What is this magical skill?
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What is the thing that makes other people like me?
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The skill is empathy.
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Hold on.
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You didn't see that coming.
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I don't want you to roll your eyes.
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Do not turn off this episode.
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I want you to learn this and I want you to really embrace the research that I am going to unpack.
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So let's just start with the word empathy.
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Because I have a feeling that like I used to,
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maybe right now you don't really understand kind of what empathy is or how powerful of a skill it is in life.
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Empathy is a skill that powerful people have.
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Empathy is also not the same thing as feeling sorry for somebody, Because feeling sorry for somebody else,
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depending upon the edge or the softness that it has, could either be sympathy or it could be pity.
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That's not empathy.
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Empathy is something else entirely.
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But let's just talk common sense first.
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I want you to think about your favorite person.
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Who is the person that when you think about them, oh my God, you just love this person.
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You have positive things to say.
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You exhale.
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Your shoulders relax.
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You just really like this person.
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I guarantee you the reason why you like this person is because when you're around them, you feel good about yourself.
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When you're around them, they make you feel seen and heard, and they listen to what you have to say, and they're interested in your life.
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That's why you like them, because of how they make you feel.
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Remember the famous
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Maya Angelou quote?
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People do not remember what you do, they remember how you made them feel.
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And empathy is the bridge between you and somebody else.
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And the reason why you like other people is because other people make you feel good about you when you're around them.
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And now I want to drop even deeper into why empathy is an actual superpower.
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Empathy is not for people who are weak.
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Empathy is one of the most influential skills on the planet.
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And this is why I want you to really lean into this and practice this every single day because empathy, you're wired for this.
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It is the closest thing you have to a superpower.
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And the first reason why is it taps into this thing called the law of reciprocity.
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What is the law of reciprocity?
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Law of reciprocity is basically when you do something nice for others, they do something nice for you.
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This has been studied extensively that there is a hardwired psychological impulse
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for you to feel compelled to reciprocate whenever somebody does something nice for you.
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Now, for example, if somebody opens up the door for you, you're walking into a building and somebody opens up the door,
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what do you immediately feel like you need to do if there's a door in front of you?
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Open it up for them.
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You don't even think about it.
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And so this law of reciprocity is hardwired in all of us.
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And so empathy is the intentional leveraging of this tendency that we have.
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And that's one of the benefits when you show up in a way where other people feel understood, seen, heard, and supported.
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Because they want to give that back to you.
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So that's the law of reciprocity.
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that when you take the time to try to understand what somebody else is going through, it makes somebody feel good.
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And that makes them feel connected to you.
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That makes them like you.
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And it makes them also want to return the favor because it's tapping into something that we all have called mirror neurons.
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Now, mirror neurons, I can explain it to you in a very common sense way.
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There's a reason why when you watch a movie and there's something super emotional happening,
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and one of the main characters or anybody in the movie starts to cry and you feel yourself welling up,
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your mirror neurons, watching somebody else experience emotion,
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positive or negative, triggers your mirror neurons to have a similar reaction.
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Neuroscientists often talk about mirror neurons as this neural bridge that connects you to other people.
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The person who really changed how I think about empathy is Dr. Stuart Ablon.
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Dr. Ablon is an award -winning psychologist.
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He's a professor at Harvard Medical School.
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He's the founder and director of a program at Mass General Hospital, the number one research hospital in the world.
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It's called Think Kids.
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He's been working and researching and helping kids for 30 years in his clinical practice.
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And I asked him, I said, you know, Dr. Abilene, how do you think about the word empathy?
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And his answer was incredibly simple.
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He said one word, understanding, understanding.
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Empathy is about understanding another person, what they're feeling, what their perspective is, what they're dealing with.
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Before you judge, you jump in to fix, you give your opinion, or you, like, make up your mind about somebody.
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And there's some good news here.
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Because researchers at the University of Toronto studied opportunities to practice the skill of empathy in your everyday life
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and they published these findings I'm about to share with you in the Journal of Psychological Science.
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And they found that on average, you've got at least nine chances every day to practice the skill of empathy,
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which is acting in a way that other people feel understood by you and cared for by you.
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Now, some of these chances might be right in front of your face right now.
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Empathy is the ability for you to meet people in the moments that matter to them.
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whether they're hurting or they're happy, whether it's positive or negative.
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And here's why this is so important.
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Every single one of those little moments can make someone's life better.
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And when you are able to leverage this skill of empathy in these moments, instead of snapping to judgment or avoiding people or missing the moment,
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it makes your life better too.
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And so let's talk about the four ways super simple that you can practice the skill of empathy every single day.
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And this first one is ask.
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Don't guess.
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Don't guess how somebody's doing.
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Ask.
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And I'm going to be honest with you.
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I got this wrong for most of my life.
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See, I always thought empathy was the ability to step in someone's shoes
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and kind of guess how they're feeling and that's how we're relating.
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Turns out that's not what that means.
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Thinking you know what somebody is feeling is the wrong way to approach this.
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You need to stop guessing and start asking.
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Ask more questions, listen more.
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And you and I both do this.
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We go through our life on autopilot.
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We fill in the blanks about people all day long.
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How many times have you chalked your partner's terrible mood up to something? what is their problem?
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Why are they always like this?
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Why are they taking their work stress out on me?
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They clearly don't care.
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Or somebody at work.
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Somebody at work is not pulling their weight.
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They miss a deadline.
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They do something dumb that they normally do really well.
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And then you think they don't care about this like I do.
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Or your friend calls with fantastic news and you say, that's amazing.
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And then you immediately switch topics to something else.
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in all of those instances, you guessed.
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You didn't ask a single question.
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When you practice empathy, you do the opposite.
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You stop and you ask.
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And you're saying when you ask a question, well, tell me more about that.
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You know, you don't seem like yourself.
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What's going on?
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You know, normally you don't miss these things.
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Like, is everything okay?
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Like, you don't seem like yourself.
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You know, we have a producer here who once had this editor that was falling short at work.
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Like, all of a sudden, the work product was falling off and it wasn't like them.
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And then they started showing up late.
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The editing was sloppy.
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He wasn't delivering.
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What do you do?
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You ask, is everything okay?
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You don't seem like yourself.
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Everything okay?
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Turns out, everything wasn't okay.
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He had been taking care of his sick mom.
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He was shuttling her to doctor's appointments, and he was trying to manage all of that on top of a full -time, fast -paced job.
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And now that our producer stopped and asked, not guessed, asked, because when you guess, you say, I guess you don't care.
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When you ask, you go, oh my gosh, you got a lot going on.
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And now you know the situation.
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And now you're practicing empathy and you can figure out a better way to move forward.
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Empathy is not stepping in someone else's shoes.
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Empathy is not mind reading.
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Empathy is pausing long enough to ask the question.
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that's why you ask, because you can't guess how somebody else is feeling.
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And I'm going to just say it again.
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I got this wrong for a very long time because I, especially as a young parent, thought I could just understand how my kid was feeling.
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And I remember I've shared this a lot on the podcast because it was an incredibly challenging and heartbreaking time.
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Our son was in the fourth grade.
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He was struggling in school it's almost like you could see the light dimming inside your kid.
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And we were just beginning to understand that he had dyslexia and dysgraphia and executive functioning issues and ADHD.
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He felt like an outsider.
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And, you know, as his mom, what do you do?
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Well, when you see your kid struggling or you see somebody that you love struggling, those mirror neurons, they go right off.
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You start to struggle too.
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You start to worry.
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And so I did what I always do when I'm scared.
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You know what I am?
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I'm a bulldozer.
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I go right into problem solving mode.
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What do we need to do?
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Who do we need to call?
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What is the plan?
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How do we fix this?
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And in my mind, I think I'm helping.
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I love you, Oakley.
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I'm worried about you.
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I see a problem on the surface, so I'm just gonna jump in and solve it.
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But the attempt to try to help just made things worse.
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And I'm sure you've done the same thing.
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And I skipped over the most important thing that my son needed.
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He wasn't a problem to be solved.
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He was a human being who needed to feel understood.
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And what I needed to do or could have done
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and what I hope you will do and what I'm gonna do now is, don't guess, don't just jump in, stop and ask.
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I wish I would have sat down with him, even in fourth grade, and said, honey, I can see that this is really hard.
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Can you help me understand what's hard?
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What's the hardest part for you?
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What do you think all the adults are missing.
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What is this actually like for you?
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I mean, just think about how different that feels on the receiving end.
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Rather than adults running around going, I know what you need.
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Instead, I'm saying, hey, you're not alone in this.
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And I really want to understand what this is like for you.
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It shifts everything.
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It creates connection.
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It makes somebody feel safe.
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And now, whenever I'm in a situation where I don't know how to help somebody, I don't jump into fixing.
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And I don't guess.
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I ask, help me understand.
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And it's not just for the hard moments.
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Help me understand.
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Tell me more matters when life is going really well too.
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We miss these moments all the time.
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When somebody you love is excited, oh my gosh, they got a good grade.
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They got asked out on a date.
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They won some award.
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They had a really good day at work.
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They posted that video they'd been procrastinating on for three weeks.
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Don't just say great and move on and start cooking dinner.
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Pause.
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Tell me more.
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That's awesome.
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Wow.
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What did that feel like?
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Because you don't have to care about the thing as much as they do, but you care about them,
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which is why you care that it matters to them.
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That's empathy.
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You know, people don't only want company and support in their pain.
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They want company in their joy.
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And underneath it all, when you make somebody's joy even bigger, you know what you're saying?
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You're saying you matter to me and your happiness matters to me too.
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So that's the first step.
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The next time you're around somebody and they're either feeling a little low or they're feeling something good, don't guess.
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Ask.
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And after you ask the question, really listen.
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And don't worry about what you're going to say next because your goal is just to be there and to understand.
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Now let's talk about the second way you're going to practice this skill of empathy in your everyday life.
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I wrote about this in the Let Them Theory book.
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I call it go first.
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Don't sit around and wait for other people.
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You go first.
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You be the one to reach out.
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If you're anything like me, when somebody comes to your mind, you think, okay, oh yeah, Jesse, I really should text Jesse.
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I wonder how that appointment went.
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I should call my dad.
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I should congratulate him.
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Oh my gosh, I haven't seen her forever.
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We really should get together.
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And then what happens?
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You have the best of intentions, but then you get distracted
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Or you think, oh, well, it's like 3 .15 and I only have five minutes before I pull into the grocery store
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and that's not enough time to talk to somebody.
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So I'm not going to call them.
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I don't want to bother them right now.
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They're at the hospital and, you know, I don't want to be those people that's a real burden.
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They're probably busy.
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I'm sure somebody else has already checked in on them.
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You know, it's been so long.
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Wouldn't it be weird if I just reached out right now out of the blue,
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even though they popped into my mind and that's sort of a sign that I should go first?
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So then you don't.
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And I want to be honest about something.
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Sending the text isn't hard.
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Picking up the phone and making a call, that's not hard.
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It's the moment right before you're about to do it.
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And how you start wondering, what is it going to feel like? is this going to be awkward, unwanted?
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Am I going to interrupt them?
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Am I bothering them?
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Are they going to be weird? Should I call them?
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But thinking about someone is not the same thing as showing them that you're thinking of them.
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Because your sister can't feel that text you never sent.
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Your college roommate can't hear the compliment that you kept in your head.
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your husband doesn't feel the care that comes from saying, hey, you don't seem like yourself.
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Did you have a hard day?
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Tell me what's going on.
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They don't know you were thinking about calling as you were driving to the grocery store.
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So thinking doesn't count.
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And if you have trouble with this, you're not alone.
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If you're one of those people that has really good intentions, but it never translates to action, I want you to hear from Dr. Adam Grant.
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Dr. Adam Grant is an organizational psychologist, best -selling author.
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He is the youngest ever tenured professor at the Wharton School of Business in their history.
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He's also been their top -rated professor for the last seven years.
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He's written six
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New York Times best -selling books all about motivation, hidden potential, relationships, influence.
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And he appeared on this podcast, the Mel Robbins podcast, and explained this beautiful concept called pebbling.
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And I love this concept, and I want you to learn about it because I know it's going to stick with you.
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And because there's this visual thing, the next time you think of somebody,
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it'll motivate you to do something and go first and make them feel it.
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I love pebbling.
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Pebbling, the origin of the term is there are some penguins that when they're courting mates,
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they will present smooth, shiny pebbles as a way of showing, you know, basically they're suitable for partnering and building a nest together.
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It's a little gesture that says, hey, I might be for you.
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The modern digital equivalent of pebbling is sending other people memes, links, reels, and articles.
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Pebbling is not about spamming people with random junk from the internet.
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It's about carefully choosing a little bit of information that you know is going to resonate with somebody else and it says,
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I thought of you, I know you, I see you.
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Every pebble is a bid for connection.
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There have been now multiple studies which show that after you meet somebody new, if a week or a month later,
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you send them a little pebble and you say, hey, I saw this meme of Macaulay Culkin wearing a shirt with Ryan Gosling on it.
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And then Ryan Gosling wore a shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing the Ryan Gosling shirt.
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And I know this is your jam.
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This is your kind of humor.
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It just reminded me of you instantly.
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That person will feel closer to you because you got them, right?
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You remember their unique sense of humor.
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And I think that that's a great way to strengthen a bond.
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It's also a great way to get back in touch with someone.
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You reach out to somebody who's called a dormant tie, somebody you haven't talked to in two years, five years, maybe a decade or more.
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And you say, I just finished the new season of Ted Lasso.
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And there is an episode that has you written all over it.
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And that person really feels like, wow, first of all, I can't believe you remembered my taste in TV.
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So you've done a memory flex.
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You have said, hey, guess what?
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I cared enough about you to pay attention to you, but you've also now created a reason to reconnect.
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I'll give you an example of pebbling in my life.
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When my husband buys me the cheapest bouquet of grocery store flowers,
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I'm talking like the $5 bouquet, the little like tiny looking thing that everybody's ignoring.
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And he brings it home
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and puts it just in a mason jar on the island in the kitchen and I see it because what I know...
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is that he cared enough about me and was thinking about me while he was out running an errand.
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And he remembered that I love flowers, no matter what they are.
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And he took an action to show me that.
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A lot of us go to the grocery store and think about buying the flowers.
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That doesn't count.
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You are not practicing empathy if you're just thinking about what you could do.
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You need to make it physical.
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You need to have that little pebble because the pebble itself is evidence.
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It's an action that you cared enough to pay attention to the other person, even if it's a dumb meme.
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I remember that you like this thing.
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I remember that we laughed about this two years ago.
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And one of the biggest reasons why we don't do more pebbling, why we don't go first, is because, believe it or not,
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a lot of you think that that gesture is not going to be met with warmth and with, like, appreciation.
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And if you're thinking that, that you're feeling a little weird about pebbling or sending that text or, you know, making the first gesture going first,
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I want to share some research out of Stanford that tells you you're wrong.
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Researchers studied more than 5 ,000 undergraduate students and they found something they call the empathy perception gap.
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Basically, that a lot of us walk around and we underestimate how caring, supportive, and appreciative everybody else is gonna be.
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I'm gonna give you an example.
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Students guessed that about maybe 87 % of their peers would help somebody who was having a hard time.
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But when students were asked whether or not they themselves would help, 96 % of people said yes.
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So what happens if you start to believe that like you, 96 % of people are warm,
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caring, empathetic, and understanding and would love to talk to you?
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Well, the students started reaching out more.
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They began to go first.
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And guess what happened?
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Months later, their social networks had expanded.
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They were more likable, like all the things that we're talking about.
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So let's bottom line this research.
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the thing standing between you and more connection in your life more likability is not
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that people don't care about you it's
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that everybody is waiting for someone else to do it first be
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that somebody this is why i say empathy is for winners
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empathy is for the strong empathy is for people who are influential empathy means you go first
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and the next time somebody pops into your mind, send them a pebble.
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You know what to do.
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And if somebody tells you something important that's happening on Thursday, put a little something in your calendar and wish them luck on Thursday.
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If they have a surgery next week on Tuesday, set a reminder and text them.
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If you see somebody who looks like they could use a friendly face, just say hello, smile.
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If you hear good news about somebody, tell them you're happy for them.
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And I want you, as you start to practice the second aspect of the skill of empathy, empathy and action.
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I want you to notice something.
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Notice what happens when you start living this way, because it changes everything.
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First of all, it changes you, because now you're practicing empathy and action.
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You're the one giving the pebbles, but it also changes how people feel about you,
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because when you give somebody that pebble or that flowers or that meme, they feel remembered.
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They feel included.
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They feel celebrated.
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They feel less alone.
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Have you ever texted somebody who's like, hey, yeah, I remember today's such and such.
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It's your big job interview.
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And they're like, really?
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Thank you.
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You remembered?
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Wow.
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And if you've ever had somebody do that for you, you're like, whoa, you were thinking of me?
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Isn't it sad that we all walk around thinking people don't care about us?
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Isn't it sad that we walk around thinking other people are not warm and kind and appreciative?
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And here we all are isolated, wanting the same thing.
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We want to feel understood and seen and celebrated.
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Now, the third way that you're going to practice empathy is I call this paper plates.
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Drop off paper plates.
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Let me explain what I mean by that.
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So there was this extraordinary expert that we had on the podcast a few years ago.
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You may remember her.
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She's a licensed clinical therapist and a best -selling author, and her name is K .C.
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Davis.
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And she came on to share simple little things that improve your life.
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And one of the best pieces of advice that she shared was what to do to help a struggling friend.
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And this advice inspired me so much.
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It has changed the way that I show up for people in my life who are struggling.
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So let me tell you first what I used to do before Casey Davis taught me this paper plate trick.
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What I used to do when somebody was struggling
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or going through a hard time or they were telling me
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that they were going through something hard is I would be like, oh my gosh, you know, I'm really sorry that that's happening.
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That that really is awful.
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How can I support you?
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or you send somebody a text.
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Oh, I heard about, you know, this thing that happened.
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What do you need?
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And what Casey Davis taught me is something I want you to steal.
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When somebody that you love is struggling, do not ask them what they need.
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Yes, you can ask them questions about how they're feeling.
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Tell me more about that.
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Help me understand what's going on.
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When you ask somebody who's struggling, well, what do you need?
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You know, just tell me what I can do to support you.
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Most people are like, I don't even know what day it is.
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And here's what Casey Davis says.
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Paper plates.
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Just drop off paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils, because you know what?
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The last thing a person needs is a sink full of dishes when they're going through a hard time.
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And those paper plates and those disposable cups and those disposable utensils,
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You know what that says if you open up your door and you see that on a porch with a lovely note?
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It's not even a pebble.
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It's kind of like a giant boulder of love.
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It literally says, I care about you.
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I don't know what to do, so I'm doing this.
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When somebody drops off a casserole after you've had a baby, what does it say?
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Oh my gosh, wow, they're thinking of me.
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That's it.
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When somebody shows up, if you're really struggling and they just clean your kitchen or they do your laundry.
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You know, I was really, really sick this summer.
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And my husband and I have this annual thing where lots of his college friends who I just love come into town.
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And I was in bed all weekend while we had 14 people here.
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All couples, amazing people, many of whom were in our wedding 30 years ago and I was in bed sick.
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And let me tell you something, not once did anyone come into the bedroom and go, what can I do to support you?
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Instead, they cleaned the house, they cooked all the meals, they walked the dogs.
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It was like the best weekend you could possibly be sick because they just took care of everything.
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And in taking care of everything, I didn't have to ask and that's why the third way you can practice empathy,
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you can display it, it's empathy through action,
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is put yourself in a similar situation and think,
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what could I do that would demonstrate support without asking them what they need?
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And maybe that just looks like showing up and sitting with them.
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The other thing I love about paper plates is it asks you to do something different than you normally do.
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You're coming to the person with open arms
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and you're giving the person in front of you the response
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or the support that truly sees and helps them without asking them for anything in return.
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One of the best examples of this I have ever heard came from the late
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Judge Frank Caprio.
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Now, you might remember him as America's nicest judge, and his kindness in his Rhode Island courtroom made him a
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viral sensation with millions of people following him from around the world.
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And I feel so honored
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that I got to sit down with Judge Caprio just a few months before he passed away at 88 years old.
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And during our conversation, I asked him about his very first day as a judge in municipal court,
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where most of the people coming in before him are dealing with everyday things like parking fines, traffic violations.
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And something happened on that very first day on the bench that totally changed the way that
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Judge Caprio treated people for the next 30 years.
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Here is Judge Frank Caprio on the Mel Robbins podcast.
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Take a listen.
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I get a bunch of, no, I'm a judge.
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I got the robe, right?
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I'm going to go.
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I'm the boss.
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I'm going to sit on the bench and this is it now.
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I have arrived.
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So I said to my father, I said, Dad, my first day on the bench, he said, I'll come down and walk.
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I said, good, come down.
443
I'll offer you to come down.
444
So I'm there and I am really full of myself.
445
I'm a judge now, look at me.
446
You know, all rise, please.
447
Everybody rises and so forth.
448
It's so crazy.
449
So this woman, she owed, she had a boot on her car.
450
I don't know what she owed, a couple hundred dollars in tickets, and she couldn't pay them.
451
So I said, well, if you don't pay it, I'm not going to take the boot off the car.
452
And she says, I just don't have the money.
453
I don't have the money, and I have four kids.
454
It's my first day on the bench.
455
No one's going to bully me around, right?
456
So I says, well, you owe the money, and if you don't, we're going to leave the boot on the car.
457
She said, I don't have the money.
458
I have to get my kids to school.
459
So I said, I'm sorry.
460
continue the case.
461
We'll give you a couple of days to come in, right?
462
My father's in the courtroom.
463
After court's over, my father comes into the chambers.
464
I'm so happy.
465
He said, Dad, how did it go?
466
He said, how did it go?
467
How could you do that?
468
How could I do what?
469
He said, Frank, she had four kids.
470
Now, suppose she can't feed the kids tonight if she paid those tickets.
471
She says, no, she doesn't have a car.
472
She can't drive them to school.
473
What are you doing?
474
You weren't brought up that way.
475
My first day on the court set the tone of my judgeship of over 30 years.
476
After that, I took everybody's personal situation into consideration in the imposition of a sentence.
477
This woman, she was insulting to begin with, But you have to overcome that.
478
Because she was scared.
479
And she was scared to death, right?
480
Yes.
481
As my father said.
482
Well, I think she was a gift to you because you write in this book on page 110, the lesson was
483
that being a judge is much more about the person in front of you than it is about the law.
484
Since then, I've always tried to find out what was really going on with the person,
485
and I always considered how my ruling would impact not only them, but their whole family.
486
Right.
487
Those aren't only words.
488
I did that.
489
That right there is a lesson.
490
I've always tried to find out what was really going on with the person.
491
And I want you to take a moment right now and think about what could you do
492
that would really demonstrate to somebody that you care.
493
Like, think about somebody in your life.
494
Maybe it's somebody you're worried about.
495
Maybe it's somebody going through a hard time.
496
Maybe it's somebody that just had something amazing happen and you didn't comment on their post celebrating it.
497
What could you do that could make somebody else feel understood, supported, and seen?
498
That's empathy in action.
499
And it doesn't have to be complicated.
500
If somebody has their hands full, hold the door
501
if your co -worker is buried take something off their to -do list if your kid is crushed
502
because they didn't make the team sit with them sit and before you start talking and coaching and advising and consoling
503
ask them how they're doing
504
don't wait for them to reach out for support show up bring the paper plates
505
that's it when you feel that somebody could use support, provide the support.
506
And that brings me to the fourth simple way that you will become more likable and you are demonstrating empathy.
507
And by the way, this one's my favorite.
508
Keep on waving.
509
Let me explain.
510
The energy you put out is the energy you get back.
511
And the empathy that you display is the empathy and understanding support that you get back.
512
The wave that you extend to the neighbor is the wave that you receive in return.
513
And isn't it funny?
514
Someone has to wave first.
515
But once you wave, most people wave back.
516
And I have to tell you this story that was reported on by Steve Hartman at CBS News.
517
Now, if you don't know Steve, he hosts these incredible segments.
518
I love these segments.
519
They're called On the Road.
520
And in the segment, Steve travels around the country telling stories just about ordinary people doing extraordinary things
521
And oftentimes, it's the simplest things that are extraordinary.
522
They're the kinds of stories that remind you of the best in people.
523
Now, this particular story that I fell in love with, I sent this to so many people.
524
It was so beautiful.
525
It's about a four -year -old boy in Concord, North Carolina named Roman.
526
Roman loves people.
527
In fact, Roman had this habit of standing outside, all, you know, in his front yard, waving to his neighbors.
528
He waves to people walking by.
529
He says hello.
530
He just keeps going first.
531
He just keeps waving over and over.
532
I see you.
533
I'm waving at you.
534
I'm smiling at you.
535
And there's a reason why.
536
Waving at people mattered so much to him.
537
Four -year -old Roman was lonely.
538
His parents had separated.
539
His dad had moved to Florida.
540
His grandparents lived out of state.
541
But Roman, Roman just kept on waving.
542
And eventually, one of his neighbors, a senior citizen named Wade, noticed this little boy across the street who was always waving.
543
And one day, you know what Wade did?
544
Wade walked over and introduced himself and here's where the story gets beautiful.
545
Roman kept waving and Wade, who by the way, kind of looks like
546
Santa Claus, kept crossing the street and visiting and they started spending time together.
547
And then guess what happened?
548
As Roman kept waving, other senior citizens that lived on the street, other neighbors, started waving back.
549
And then they started showing up at Roman's house.
550
And then you know what Roman did?
551
He started inviting him to his soccer games.
552
And you know what they did?
553
They came.
554
And they came to his swimming lessons and to his open house at school and his birthday party.
555
And suddenly you see what's happening.
556
Roman kept waving and Wade kept coming back and Roman kept inviting people in and the neighbors kept showing up.
557
And now Roman isn't lonely because he has this posse of adopted grandparents that were all neighbors,
558
that nobody knew each other.
559
And here's the thing that's interesting about this.
560
Nobody did some big, enormous, heroic thing.
561
Nothing.
562
It all started with a simple wave and Roman, this little boy who'd been feeling lonely,
563
suddenly had an entire family he had created.
564
Roman's mom said his loneliness was gone.
565
But here's the important thing.
566
Was Roman the only person whose life was changed?
567
No. Simply by waving, by demonstrating empathy, I see you over there.
568
I want to say hello to you.
569
You matter to me.
570
By simply doing
571
that, he wound up bringing together a dozen neighbors who have all said they would have barely known one another otherwise.
572
Don't you love that?
573
The little boy who needed a community helped create one.
574
And now Roman's got all these like chosen grandparents in his life and these people get each other.
575
That's the power of what we're talking about.
576
And it starts with the smallest thing, a wave, because that's how connection is built.
577
It's not through some of these big things that you're sitting around waiting to do.
578
It's through all the little moments right in front of you where you demonstrate to someone else, I see you.
579
I remember.
580
What matters to you matters to me.
581
And I want you to think about the person in your life who's done that for you.
582
The friend who remembers the appointment you mentioned three weeks ago.
583
The barista who always asks you about your kids and they remember them by name.
584
The sibling who knows an anniversary is going to be hard this year.
585
How does that person make you feel?
586
You like that person, don't you?
587
You trust them.
588
You feel kind of close to them.
589
Maybe even tell them things.
590
You like that they're in your life and your day is better because of them.
591
And the reason why your day is better
592
and the reason why you like them is because they are demonstrating empathy to you.
593
And now you know that you can demonstrate empathy to them.
594
In fact, you can do it to anyone.
595
If you practice these four simple ways to build the skill and demonstrate the skill of empathy in your life,
596
I promise you, you are going to see a difference everywhere.
597
I think it's pretty clear why people are going to like you.
598
Because when you show up in life this way
599
and you stop guessing and you ask people what's going on and how they're doing, when you're the one that's going first,
600
when you bring the paper plates and show up with the support without being asked, when you keep on waving,
601
people like you because they like how you make them feel.
602
And that's why this works.
603
Do not underestimate how much power you have in these tiny moments.
604
And remember the research.
605
The research says that you and I get about nine of these every single day.
606
Nine chances to make someone else feel like they matter.
607
Nine chances to.. expand the joy that somebody feels.
608
Nine chances to offer support and give support to somebody who's feeling alone.
609
Empathy is something you give to another person,
610
and in return, you feel better about yourself and you have better relationships because every time you make somebody else feel seen,
611
understood, supported, celebrated, or remembered, oh my gosh, you will get that back
612
because it's not about what you're doing it's how you make people feel
613
and empathy is the skill that helps you make other people feel good about themselves
614
and when other people feel good about themselves
615
because of you they like you a lot
616
so start practicing those four simple things every single day because what I've learned about the skill of empathy
617
is it's not just about what it does for the other person.
618
It will come back a hundredfold to you as well.
619
And the better you get at this, the more that you practice these four simple things,
620
the more you're gonna like yourself and the more other people are gonna like you too.
621
And in case no one else tells you this today as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you
622
and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life
623
and one of the simplest ways to create a better life
624
is to start creating better moments with the people who are already in it.
625
Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode.
626
I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play.
627
Alrighty, thank you for watching all the way to the end here at YouTube.
628
And I know you're the kind of person that loves supporting other people.
629
And one way that you could support me and everybody here at the show is if that subscribe button is lit up, just hit subscribe.
630
It's like a pebble.
631
It tells us, wow, you really appreciate all of this incredible free content that's here with one mission to help you make your life better.
632
Alrighty, thank you for doing that.
633
I really appreciate it.
634
So does the team here.
635
And I know you want to watch another episode.
636
You're going to love this one.
637
And I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “4 Small Things That Make People Feel Closer to You”. This video has 637 sentences and 6792 words to shadow. The speech runs for 42:06. The speaker talks at a natural 161 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 87% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is easy to follow.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| empathy noun | /ˈɛmpəθi/ | Identification with or understanding of the thoughts, feelings, or emotional state of another person. |
| skill noun | /skɪl/ | A capacity to do something well; a technique, an ability, usually acquired or learned, as opposed to abilities that are regarded as innate. |
| demonstrate verb | /ˈdɛm.ənˌstɹeɪt/ | To show how to use (something). |
| podcast noun | /ˈpɑdˌkæst/ | A program, especially an audio program, produced on a regular basis, delivered over the Internet in a compressed digital format and designed for playback on… |
| mirror noun | /ˈmiɹɚ/ | A smooth surface, usually made of glass with reflective material painted on the underside, that reflects light so as to give an image of what is in front of it. |
| gosh | /ɡɑːʃ/ | A mild expression of surprise or enthusiasm. |
| bench noun | /ˈbɛnt͡ʃ/ | A long seat with or without a back, found for example in parks and schools. |
| grocery noun | /ˈɡɹəʊ.s(ə.)ɹi/ | Retail foodstuffs and other household supplies. |
| everyday adjective | /ˈɛvɹiˌdeɪ/ | Appropriate for ordinary use, rather than for special occasions. |
| lesson noun | /ˈlɛs.ən/ | A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided. |
| solve verb | /sɒlv/ | To find an answer or solution to a problem or question; to work out. |
| extraordinary adjective | /ɪksˈtɹɔːrdɪn(ə)ɹi/ | Out of the ordinary; exceptional; unusual. |
| segment noun | /ˈsɛɡmɛnt/ | A length of some object. |
| lonely adjective | /ˈloʊnli/ | Unhappy due to feeling isolated from contact with other people. |
| boot noun | /but/ | A heavy shoe that covers part of the leg. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. |
| show up verb | To appear, arrive, or attend, especially suddenly or erratically. |
| come down verb | To descend, fall down, collapse. |
| drop off verb | To fall asleep. |
| open up verb | To open. |
| reach out verb | To extend one's hand(s) forward; to reach for something. |
| walk around verb | To walk with no planned destination; to meander. |
| come back verb | To return to a place. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- Abilene, how do you think about the word empathy?
- You ask, is everything okay?
- Can you help me understand what's hard?
- What's the hardest part for you?
- You like that person, don't you?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| “Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true | used to do |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | has been studied · have called · I've shared |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | has been studied · is hardwired · be solved |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | people who are · person who really · people that has |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 200 contractions and reduced forms, such as don't, you're, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: empathy /ˈɛmpəθi/, smooth /smuːð/, bother /ˈbɑðɚ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, strengthen /ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: gosh /ɡɑːʃ/, intentions /ɪnˈtɛnʃənz/, influential /ɪnflʊˈɛnʃəl/, consideration /kənˌsɪd.əˈɹeɪ.ʃən/, motivation /ˈmoʊ.tə.veɪ.ʃən/
- Long words — get the stress right: extraordinary /ɪksˈtɹɔːrdɪn(ə)ɹi/, incredibly /ɪŋˈkɹɛdɪbli/, psychological /ˌsaɪ.kəˈlɑː.d͡ʒɪ.kl̩/, influential /ɪnflʊˈɛnʃəl/, psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like empathy, skill, demonstrate.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.