Shadowing Practice: Stop Being Nice: The C.L.E.A.R. Method for Earning Respect - Learn English Speaking with Video
Creating lesson...
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If you want to be a terrible leader and have nobody listen to you, the biggest mistake you can make isn't saying the wrong thing.
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It's refusing to tell people the truth.
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Every time you soften the feedback and let someone walk out believing this looks good when it doesn't, you're just avoiding the hard conversation that you eventually need to have.
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I'm going to give you a four -step framework that makes hard conversations easier, and I'll show you the one conversation almost every leader avoids,
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even though it's the one their team or the people in their lives need the most.
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I'm Cody Sanchez.
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This is The Big Deal Podcast.
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Let's get into it.
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If this show has ever saved you from a bad deal, a bad day, do me one favor.
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Hit subscribe.
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It takes two seconds and it's the single biggest thing that helps us book better guests and make this better for you.
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All right, I want to start talking about this.
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Call it the vanity test.
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There's one test you need to run before giving anyone feedback
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And there's no one who ran this vanity test better than Steve Jobs.
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There's an incredible story, basically.
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So Steve had this designer named Johnny Ive, and they were very close.
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But Steve was kind of a maniac.
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I remember having a conversation with him and was asking why he was a little harsh.
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And he said, no, you just want people to like you.
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I thought you held the work up as the most important.
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And I was terribly cross because I knew he was right.
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I think great leaders, they build up people by saying the hard thing.
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Bad leaders, they're so obsessed with their image
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and what people think about them that they don't realize why vanity is so dangerous.
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It looks like kindness, and it's not.
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The second thing I've realized is soft feedback is the cool option, actually.
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So every time you soften the truth, I want you to think that you buy yourself a few seconds of comfort, but you cost someone else weeks
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or months of improvement like who are you to make
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that decision don't you want to be the type of leader who people leave
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their time with them and say god i learned so much
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that person made me better as opposed to like yeah that's pretty good boss kind of liked him he's fine
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so i was reading about bill gates the other day
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and he famously loved conflict he believed in doing these really aggressive one -on -ones with people
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that would make other employees cringe and it was how he communicated
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but he believed
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that it was never good enough in anything you could almost do you could always do more
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and so he actually used to push employees
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so hard in their one -on -ones
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that they would leave feeling like they got a workout they
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famously said he even used to drive around the parking lot
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and check and see if employees were in on the weekend by memorizing their license plates
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and then following up
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and having a one -on -one with them on monday about why they weren't there now i'm not saying
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that works in every job or company
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but it tells you what the crazy ones do there's this chick kim scott
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and she leads teams at google
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and apple she actually wrote this book called radical candor really big book she calls this ruinous empathy it's
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when you care so much about avoiding an uncomfortable conversation
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that you never say what needs to be said you know
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what's crazy though is most people actually do this like imagine
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for a second someone makes the same mistake three meetings in a row with you.
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It's not the first time.
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You never told them.
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They walk into a performance review later thinking they're doing great, only to find out you've been mad at them for months.
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You've been unhappy for months.
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You haven't thought they were performing for months.
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So every conversation you avoid is like you stealing from their future.
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It gets more expensive for them and for you.
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The most respectful thing you can do for a competent adult is treat them like one.
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They can handle the truth or you guys shouldn't be working together.
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What isn't helpful is them finding out you knew and said nothing.
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Steve Jobs was effective because he was tough.
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Plenty of tough bosses build terrible companies, but he was effective because everyone knew the work came first.
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That's what you're copying.
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You're not throwing a temper tantrum.
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You're not being mean to people to be mean to people.
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You're holding the standard or what we call holding the line.
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And if you're not going to be a standard bearer, you shouldn't be in charge.
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so here's the framework that i use
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so c is for care you start with why you're giving
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the feedback i might say something like i want to give you feedback because i think you're capable of more
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and the reason you do
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that is you're not softening the message you're explaining why you're
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about to tell them something hard i might even say something like
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i'm telling you this
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because i think you're capable of more do you want to
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hear feedback about an area where I think you need some improvement.
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I also really like that because it's allowing them to give you the option to give tough feedback.
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L is for lead with the work.
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I don't ever attack the person.
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I don't say, you're bad at presentations.
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Who's that helping?
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I say, hmm, this presentation was not good.
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Here's why.
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Here's how I define good.
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Help fix the work instead of labeling the person as incompetent unless you don't want them to make any change whatsoever.
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You guys should know this by dating people too.
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e is for being exact do not be vague don't say do better that's
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so useless nobody can act on it properly i would say
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instead the report is due tuesday you gave it to me
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thursday do you see why that's an issue you didn't keep
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your word with me a is ask after the feedback stop talking shut up
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and hand them a mic ask what am i missing what don't i understand
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and then listen i like to lot of times say what am i totally wrong on this is showing
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that you're just as open to feedback but you have to actually listen
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when you do this part like half the time you learn context
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that might change the picture the other half they talk their own way to the fix
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and then they own it and finally r is reset
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and know what happens next
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so don't leave people wondering tell them exactly what success looks like
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so next time send me the draft on tuesday
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or flag something you're stuck on or if you're going to be late
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so we can work through it
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so care lead exact ask reset that's how to be clear
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if you run that you're going to watch what happens
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and be shocked i've learned
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that great communication will change your relationship forever will change your partnership forever will make you more money
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and will make you better in business i've learned
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that great employees want clarity great friends
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and partners want clarity weak ones want comfort
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and I don't want you to confuse the two now in
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the beginning of this they will probably be a little miffed
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at the feedback I think feedback is really hard in the beginning
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but as you give more and more of it
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and you explain the clear process for it people understand it
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and they want it because they feel like you are clear
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and you care and so
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if you remember the two c's you'll get really far another little note is
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that um feedback gets really hard
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when it isn't in person usually you're dealing with a whole team right
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or you're dealing with a bunch of people try to be in person
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when you do this often i think in the beginning you
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want to try to give tough feedback in private until you've created a culture where everybody's
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so used to feedback that giving it in public isn't
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that big of a deal there's this guy ben horowitz he's one of the co -founders of injuries
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and horowitz huge software company but he also started tech companies previously
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and he explicitly says that the standard management advice of like how you're supposed to give feedback
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which is called the sandwich
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which is praise criticism praise trains employees to distrust to distrust praise
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and dread criticism his rule is like no baby give it
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to me straight with specifics don't wrap it in compliments he likes to do it in private
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but he fired his best friend as the CEO of loud cloud
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and said in his book I had to say the words
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I'm firing you to the person who is the best man at my wedding
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and if you can't do
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that don't be a CEO what a hard ass Jensen Wong
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of Nvidia famously doesn't do one -on -ones with any of his employees thinks
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that giving private feedback is a disservice to the entire team mandates all different difficult conversations in person
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and maybe that's why he's one of the richest men in the world in the fastest period.
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Now, I already told you about Jensen Wang publicly critiquing his execs, but let me break down exactly what this looked like.
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He runs NVIDIA.
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He has 60 direct reports, 6 -0.
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Most CEOs have 8 -10.
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His reasoning is this idea of no one -on -ones.
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Everything gets said in group meetings.
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If he has feedback for a VP, he gives it in the room with all other VPs present.
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Why?
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If you think about this, he really thinks he's doing them solid.
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He says feedback is a learning opportunity.
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Why would I hoard it in a one -on -one when 40 other people could learn from watching?
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Now it sounds brutal, but NVIDIA's employees stay 5x longer than industry average.
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Turnover is 2%.
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He calls it torturing them into greatness.
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At Conturian Thinking, my company, I do the same thing.
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I do a leadership meeting, which is now about 12, 10 or 12 leaders all around our boardroom.
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And I also do a content leaders meeting.
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Any feedback I have to give goes to those two groups as opposed to one -on -ones.
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I do not do one -on -ones.
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This is really important.
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And if you think it's just dudes, talk about Kim Scott getting fired by Sheryl Sandberg for being too nice.
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So Kim Scott gave a presentation to Google leadership.
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It went well.
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After Sandberg walked around and said, you said um a lot in there.
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Scott brushed it off.
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Sandberg pushed.
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I know an amazing speech coach.
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Google will pay for it.
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Scott brushed it off again.
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Sandberg stopped walking and looked at her and said, you are one of the smartest people I know, but um makes you sound stupid and I'm not going to let you sound stupid.
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So Scott wrote radical candor about that moment.
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Her frame caring personally means challenging directly.
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And I think using words like stupid are really triggering for people.
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And in a way, that's exactly what you want.
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I call it the idiot index, which I think I stole from Elon Musk.
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And so with my admin team, I'll say, did you run this idea past the idiot index?
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And that is such a triggering thing for people.
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They're like, does she call me an idiot?
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Does that mean I'm an idiot?
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But what I'm saying is only an idiot would do this.
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So like, did we run it past an index?
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Not you, but when you're looking at a bunch of options in front of you, did you go, imagine my dumbest friend is right here.
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Is my really dumb friend going to make this decision that I always get annoyed at my dumb friend for making?
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And this is really helpful because if you don't do this, you're failing your people.
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Now, the next part, we talk about this, like the room you're afraid to call.
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So often managers become human complaint boxes.
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Like you don't wanna be stuck accidentally becoming a therapist, do you?
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I know that I do not.
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That is not my happy place at all.
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I think there's a pattern here, right?
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two people have a problem with talking to each other instead
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of talking it out one person brings it to you the
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leader right you see this in social circles too like pam
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did this then the other one right nobody's talking to each other
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but everybody's talking about each other
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and the two people who actually have the problem they're not
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talking at all this happened to me in my business recently
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it's super annoying it's one of my biggest complaints in business
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and i finally had to sit them in a room together and say, you're both adults, talk to each other, or stop complaining to me.
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But you don't get to do both.
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If you guys talk to each other and you can't work it out and you are doing it direct, then you can bring it to me.
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But if you are not even having a conversation, I don't want to hear about it because all you're teaching me is
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that you're not good enough or strong enough
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or have enough confidence in order to fix this
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and you just want to gossip and have drama
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and i have no space for gossip in my life i know this is a little intense
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and maybe you're like how am i going to do that
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if i'm not in charge here's what i would do instead
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i like to say what dave ramsey's rule is and he taught me from being at his headquarters
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he says at my company we have a no gossip rule we just don't allow it
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and so if anybody's gossiping or talking about anybody and they find out at Dave Ramsey, you get fired.
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So I like to say something like
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if I'm not the main main head dog leader and I can't be as tough as Cody is, I might say something like, you know what?
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I have a rule this year for me.
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I don't gossip.
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I don't talk about other people when they're not in the room.
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It's my 2026 rule.
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And so I actually can't participate in this conversation.
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It's just like one of the things I gave up this year.
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Now, if we want to go talk to the person in person
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and like work it out between the three of us
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and have a constructive conversation i got you i will support you i'll be there
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but i actually have a rule i just don't gossip right now i don't like how i feel afterwards
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so i just stopped doing it i think most workplace drama exists
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because people are having the wrong conversation with the wrong person
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and not willing to say it to their face the rule is go direct to the source
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if you have a problem with somebody who's the first person you should talk to them not me
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and not the group chat also i think sometimes people are just looking for somebody to hold a line
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so like if you do that
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and you stop being everybody's emotional middleman the team is going
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to start handling its own friction instead of laundering it through
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you i actually saw this the other week my president in
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a leadership meeting just brought it up he said i had
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to deal with a bunch of annoying drama this week you
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know i didn't appreciate having to deal with this issue just one of the leaders had a little flame out
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and he's like and i didn't appreciate the fact
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that like i had to mediate two of your uh direct reports this should really be your issue
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and he's like anybody have anything they want to say about that
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so it's just out in the open as opposed to this thing it's in the dms that's behind the scenes
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and in fact even today i was like listen i can
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feel from both of your teams there's a lot of frustrations
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i really wish you two could feel like you're on the same team both sides are frustrated with each other
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and instead of being a team heads down figuring it out you guys are going back and forth
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and back channeling it's honestly kind of exhausting why can't you
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both just say okay can you do this better what can I do better okay I'll do
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that and then have a conversation to ask
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if you two are nailing it I'm like you're all very competent
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and lord we'd get more done if you worked this way
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he kind of gave me some feedback what are we not doing
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that can be improved who's saying what
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and said no no we're not playing the he said she
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said game i want to make sure you guys are really working together can you do
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that in a team everybody should be vibing on what we
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need to solve this is not rocket science people have done way harder things than this
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and you know eventually he's like fair enough okay you know
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we'll work on this i hear you i'll do my part
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i said great i will always hear your frustrations as long
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as you guys are actually airing them out to each other because the truth is
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you will actually have a team that is so much higher functioning
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if you push them to have crucial conversations to the point
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of i literally have handed people before the book radical candor
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or crucial conversations and
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so don't feel like leadership is about being liked it's about
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making your people better i think in the future you should aspire to be the type of leader where other people say, yeah, they're really tough, but man,
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am I better because of it.
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It's not just that I like that person.
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I like who I am because of them.
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Because of the way that I have learned watching them, I am more valuable today.
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Don't you want to be respected, not just liked?
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I know I do.
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Soft feedback feels kind, but honest feedback will actually build your employees up.
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Every manager has to choose between comfort or growth.
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So remember clear.
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And this week, have that conversation.
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Do the difficult convo.
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Talk to the person that feels off.
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Maybe get rid of the person on your team that will not do the thing you know they need to do.
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And if this is you in your personal life, do the exact same thing.
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Half of the stuff that works in business works even better in your personal life.
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There's just no guardrails to how you should have gossipy, hard conversations in your personal life too.
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And if you want us to help you become a better leader, if you want us to help you have these kind of conversations and figure out where you are choosing comfort over growth,
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maybe you should join the boardroom where we help owners do this every single week.
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Can you tell me if this episode was useful and what is the thing that is holding you back from growth?
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “Stop Being Nice: The C.L.E.A.R. Method for Earning Respect”. This video has 284 sentences and 3293 words to shadow. The speech runs for 16:40. The speaker talks fast, about 198 words per minute, so expect linked and reduced sounds. 87% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is easy to follow.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| feedback noun | /ˈfiːdˌbæk/ | Critical assessment of a process or activity or of their results. |
| gossip noun | /ˈɡɑsɪp/ | Someone who likes to talk about other people's private or personal business. |
| comfort noun | /ˈkʌm.fət/ | Contentment, ease. |
| radical noun | /ˈɹædɪkəl/ | A root (of a number or quantity). |
| praise verb | /pɹeɪz/ | To give praise to; to commend, glorify, or worship. |
| presentation noun | /ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/ | The act of presenting, or something presented. |
| oppose verb | /əˈpoʊz/ | To attempt to stop the progression of; to resist or antagonize by physical means, or by arguments, etc.; to contend against. |
| vanity noun | /ˈvænəti/ | That which is vain, futile, or worthless; that which is of no value, use or profit. |
| helpful adjective | /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/ | Furnishing help; giving aid; useful. |
| steal verb | /stiːl/ | To take illegally, or without the owner's permission, something owned by someone else without intending to return it. |
| complaint noun | /kəmˈpleɪnt/ | The act of complaining. |
| framework noun | /ˈfɹeɪm.wɜːk/ | A support structure comprising joined parts or conglomerated particles and intervening open spaces of similar or larger size. |
| crucial adjective | /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/ | Essential or decisive for determining the outcome or future of something; extremely important; vital. |
| trigger noun | /ˈtɹɪɡɚ/ | A finger-operated lever used to fire a gun. |
| brush noun | /bɹʌʃ/ | An implement consisting of multiple more or less flexible bristles or other filaments attached to a handle, used for any of various purposes including… |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| find out verb | To discover, as by asking or investigating. |
| work together verb | To be coworkers with someone; to share a workspace with someone. |
| break down verb | To stop functioning. |
| build up verb | To erect; to construct. |
| figure out verb | To come to understand; to discover or find a solution; to deduce. |
| follow up verb | To take further actions remaining after an event; to continue, revisit, or persist; especially, to maintain communication or verify. |
| give up verb | To surrender (someone or something); to inform on (someone). |
| go back verb | To return to a place or state after having been there at a previous time. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- You've been unhappy for months.
- You haven't thought they were performing for months.
- They're like, does she call me an idiot?
- Does that mean I'm an idiot?
- Don't you want to be respected, not just liked?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| “Used to” used to + verb — a past habit or state that is no longer true | used to push · used to drive · used to feedback |
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | if you remember the two c's you'll get |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | has ever saved · I've realized · you've been |
| Passive voice be + past participle — the focus is on what happens, not who does it | be said · be shocked · is called |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 102 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, don't, I'm. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, empathy /ˈɛmpəθi/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: presentation /ˌpɹɛzn̩ˈteɪʃn̩/, crucial /ˈkɹuː.ʃəl/, brush /bɹʌʃ/, frustration /fɹʌsˈtɹeɪ.ʃən/, partnership /ˈpɑɹtnɚʃɪp/
- Long words — get the stress right: participate /pɑːˈtɪs.ɪ.peɪt/, accidentally /ˌæk.sɪˈdɛnt(ə)li/, communicate /kəˈmjuːnɪkeɪt/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, whatsoever /ˌ(h)wʌtsoʊˈɛvɚ/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like feedback, gossip, comfort.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.