跟读练习: Why Do We Stay in Relationships That Hurt Us? - 通过视频学习英语口语
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86 句
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Most people who stay in relationships that are hurting them aren't confused about it.
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They know something is wrong.
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They've thought about leaving.
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They probably told themselves they were going to leave.
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And then they didn't.
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And from the outside, that looks like a choice that doesn't make sense.
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But the psychology behind it is a lot more complicated than just, why don't you leave?
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And understanding it says, something pretty uncomfortable about how human beings are wired.
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The first piece of this is attachment theory, which actually begins in the first few years of your life,
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long before any adult relationship enters the picture.
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When you're an infant, you form an attachment style based on how your caregivers respond to you.
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If your needs were met consistently, if comfort arrived when you needed it, if the people around you were reliable,
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you likely developed what psychologists call a secure attachment style.
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You learned that relationships are safe, that people can be trusted, that closeness isn't dangerous.
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But if your early environment was inconsistent, if comfort sometimes arrived and sometimes didn't,
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if the people around you were warm sometimes and distant or frightening other times, you developed an anxious or avoidant attachment style instead.
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And here's the key thing.
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Those patterns don't stay in childhood.
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They follow you directly into your adult relationships.
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Someone with an anxious attachment style tends to crave closeness intensely, fear abandonment deeply, and stay in relationships well past the point they should
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because the threat of being alone feels worse than the reality of being unhappy.
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And because a relationship that is unpredictable and inconsistent actually feels familiar to them in a way that a stable, healthy relationship sometimes doesn't.
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Then there's the sunk cost fallacy, which is one of the most well -documented cognitive biases in psychology
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and one of the most brutal when it shows up in relationships.
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The sunk cost fallacy is the tendency to keep investing in something that's clearly failing, driven entirely by how much you've already put in.
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You finish a movie you hate because you've already watched half of it.
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You stay at a job that's making you miserable because you've been there for years.
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The logic is, I've put too much in to walk away now, even when walking away would clearly be the better choice.
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In relationships, this gets enormously complicated because what you've invested goes far beyond time.
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It's memories, emotional labour, years of your life, plans you built together, a version of your future that involved this person.
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Leaving means losing all of that the relationship, the history, the identity you built inside it, and the belief that the time you gave meant something.
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So people stay because leaving feels like admitting that everything they invested was wasted.
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And that particular loss is one the brain resists very strongly.
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But probably the most misunderstood piece of all of this is trauma bonding, because it's the one that looks most irrational from the outside
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and makes the most sense once you understand the psychology underneath it.
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Trauma bonding happens in relationships with a specific pattern, cycles of tension, harm and then relief.
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The relationship isn't consistently bad.
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If it were, leaving would be easier.
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What makes it so hard to leave is the alternation.
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The periods where things are bad, followed by periods where things are good again, followed by bad again, followed by good.
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The apology after the fight, the kindness that follows the cruelty, the version of the person who shows up after the version who hurts you.
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Psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement and it is one of the most powerful forces in behavioral psychology.
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The brain doesn't bond most strongly to things that reward it consistently.
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It bonds most strongly to things that reward it unpredictably.
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A slot machine keeps people playing because it pays out sometimes.
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Randomly, unpredictably, just enough to keep you pulling the lever.
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Consistent rewards would actually make it less addictive.
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A relationship that is sometimes wonderful and sometimes terrible creates the same neurological pull.
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The good moments hit harder precisely because they're surrounded by bad ones.
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And the brain locks onto those good moments, keeps returning to them, keeps chasing them.
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Because the relief of the good after the bad is one of the most intense emotional experiences humans can have.
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This is why people in these relationships often describe being unable to leave even when they want to.
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The bond runs below logic, it's neurological.
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There's also the identity question, which doesn't get talked about enough.
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When you've been in a relationship for a long time, especially one that's involved control or emotional manipulation,
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your sense of who you are can become deeply intertwined with the relationship itself.
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You stop knowing clearly what you think, what you want, what you value outside of this dynamic,
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because over time those things were gradually defined for you by someone else.
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This is sometimes called the loss of authentic self, and it means that leaving can feel genuinely disorienting on top of being painful,
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because the relationship has become so much of how you understand yourself that you don't fully know who you'd be without it.
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Leaving would require rebuilding an identity that's been slowly eroded, sometimes over years.
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And that's a task that feels enormous when you're already exhausted.
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And then underneath all of this is something even more fundamental,
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which is that the brain experiences social rejection and loss using many of the same neural pathways as physical pain.
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Loneliness is not a metaphor.
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A threat of losing a relationship activates the same alarm systems as a physical threat to your safety.
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Which means that for someone with an anxious attachment style
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or someone who has been made to feel over time that they are lucky to be loved at all,
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the prospect of leaving can trigger a genuine fear response.
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Something that feels less like, this would be sad and closer to, I will not survive this.
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Rational arguments don't reach
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that place knowing something is bad for you doesn't automatically override a fear response that's running at that level.
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The people who ask, why don't you just leave, are usually asking from a place that has never experienced that particular fear at that particular intensity.
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And if they had, they'd understand why the answer isn't simple.
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So why do people stay in relationships that are bad for them?
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Because their attachment system was formed in an environment that may in consistency feel like home.
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Because leaving means surrendering everything they've already invested because the cycle of bad
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and good has created a bond that isn't about logic,
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because their identity has become so wrapped up in their relationship that leaving means not knowing who they are, and because the fear of loss is,
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for a lot of people, genuinely one of the most activating experiences the nervous system can produce.
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Understanding the psychology doesn't excuse the relationship, it just makes clear that the people inside these situations aren't failing to see something obvious.
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They are caught inside a set of mechanisms that are genuinely very difficult to override.
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Mechanisms that, in other contexts, are the same ones that make humans capable of deep loyalty, strong attachment and lasting love.
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The same wiring that makes us bond so deeply is the wiring that makes it so hard to let go.
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Subscribe if this explains something you couldn't quite put words to before.
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I'll see you in the next one.
FOR YOU
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本课的词汇与口语要点
这节口语课以视频“Why Do We Stay in Relationships That Hurt Us?”为素材。 视频中反复出现的词有：relationship, leaving, attachment, psychology, bond。 这段视频共有 86 个句子、1253 个单词可供跟读。 讲话部分时长为 6:44。 说话人语速较快，每分钟约 186 个词，会出现较多连读和弱读。 83% 的单词属于英语最常用的 3,000 词，其余的词建议在练习前先学一下。
视频中的重点词汇
视频中 15 个值得学习的单词，附发音和释义：
| 单词 | 发音 | 释义 |
|---|---|---|
| psychology 名词 | /saɪˈkɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/ | 心理學 /心理学 |
| invest 动词 | /ɪnˈvɛst/ | 耗費 /耗费, 投資 /投资 |
| deeply 副词 | /ˈdi(ː)pli/ | 深, 深深 |
| wire 名词 | /ˈwaɪɚ/ | 線 /线, 鐵絲 /铁丝 |
| reward 名词 | /ɹɪˈwɔɹd/ | 報酬 /报酬, 獎勵 /奖励 |
| anxious 形容词 | /ˈæŋkʃəs/ | 緊張 /紧张 |
| complicated 形容词 | /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/ | 複雜 /复杂 |
| comfort 名词 | /ˈkʌm.fət/ | 舒適 /舒适 |
| arrive 动词 | /əˈɹaɪv/ | 到達 /到达, 到 |
| mechanism 名词 | /ˈmɛk.ə.nɪ.zəm/ | 機械 /机械, 機構 /机构 |
| sink 动词 | /ˈsɪŋk/ | 沉, 下沉 |
| trauma 名词 | /ˈtɹɔm.ə/ | 負傷 /负伤, 損傷 /损伤 |
| psychologist 名词 | /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/ | 心理學家 /心理学家 |
| inconsistent 形容词 | /ˌɪnkənˈsɪstənt/ | 不一致的 |
| activate 动词 | /ˈæktɪˌveɪt/ | 激活 |
视频中出现的短语动词
| 单词 | 释义 |
|---|---|
| show up 动词 | 露面 |
视频中的语法
说话人最常用的结构，并附上视频中的原话：
| 结构 | 视频中的用法 |
|---|---|
| 条件句 if + 从句，will/would + 动词 — 条件及其结果 | If it were, leaving would be · if they had, they'd understand |
| 现在完成时 have/has + 过去分词 — 过去发生但与现在仍有关联的事 | They've thought · you've already put · you've already watched |
| 被动语态 be + 过去分词 — 强调发生了什么，而不是谁做的 | are wired · were met · can be trusted |
| 定语从句 who / which + 从句 — 补充说明人或事物 | people who stay · fallacy, which is · person who shows |
需要注意的发音
说话人用了 34 次缩略和弱读形式，例如 doesn't, don't, you've。请按听到的简短形式来说。
- “th” 音: underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, authentic /ɔˈθɛn.tɪk/, pathway /ˈpæθˌweɪ/
- “sh” 和 “zh” 音: anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/, tension /ˈtɛnʃən/, rational /ˈɹæʃ(ə)nəl/, rejection /ɹɪˈd͡ʒɛkʃən/, manipulation /məˌnɪp.juˈleɪ.ʃən/
- 长单词——注意重音位置: psychology /saɪˈkɑ.lə.d͡ʒi/, consistently /kənˈsɪstəntli/, genuinely /ˈd͡ʒɛn.ju.ɪn.li/, complicated /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/, mechanism /ˈmɛk.ə.nɪ.zəm/
中文母语者容易读错的音：
- /v/ — 不要读成 /w/，上齿轻触下唇: invest /ɪnˈvɛst/, arrive /əˈɹaɪv/, activate /ˈæktɪˌveɪt/, cognitive /ˈkɑɡ.nɪ.tɪv/, behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/
- 词尾辅音 — 要读清楚，后面不要加元音: attachment /əˈtæt͡ʃmənt/, invest /ɪnˈvɛst/, reward /ɹɪˈwɔɹd/, anxious /ˈæŋkʃəs/, complicated /ˈkɑm.plɪˌkeɪ.tɪd/
- /r/ 和 /l/ 的区别: strongly /ˈstɹɔŋli/, reliable /ɹɪˈlaɪəbl̩/, alarm /əˈlɑɹm/, gradually /ˈɡɹæd͡ʒuəli/, precisely /pɹɪˈsaɪs.li/
如何用这段视频练习
- 先完整听一遍视频，不要开口，记下不认识的单词。
- 先用 0.75 倍速逐句跟读，熟练之后再回到正常速度。
- 录下自己的声音并与原声对比，特别注意 psychology, invest, deeply 这类单词。
什么是跟读法？
跟读法 (Shadowing) 是一种有科学依据的语言学习技巧，最初开发用于专业口译员的培训，并由多语言者Alexander Arguelles博士普及。这个方法简单而强大：您在听英语母语原声的同时立即大声重复——就像是一个延迟1-2秒紧跟说话者的影子。与被动听力或语法练习不同，跟读法强迫您的大脑和口腔肌肉同时处理并模仿真实的讲话模式。研究表明它能显着提高发音准确性，语调，节奏，连读，听力理解和口语流利度——使其成为雅思口语备考和真实英语交流最有效的方法之一。