쉐도잉 연습: How To Stop Taking Things Personally - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

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I have good news and bad news.

It's not about you.

Imagine that somebody across the street waves at you, so you wave back to them.

But then you realize that they're waving at the guy behind you and you're so embarrassed that you want to evaporate.

You're going to replay this in the shower for the next three years.

Whereas the person who waved at you has already forgotten it by the time that they reached their friend.

See, the guy behind you never noticed.

Nobody on that street noticed either.

They weren't thinking about you.

Because everybody on that street was thinking about themselves.

That girl that you like who left your text on red three hours ago,

you've reread your own message four times looking for what you said wrong.

Meanwhile, she's in a dentist chair, or her dog just puked on her couch, or her phone died, or she saw it and thought,

I'll answer that later.

And then her brain did what every brain does with every text.

She forgot about it.

You're one of the 47 notifications that she got today wedged between a target receipt

and a reminder to renew her car registration.

Basically, it's not about you.

Or let's say the worst -case scenario is actually true.

She's not into you.

She doesn't want to see you.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

You can take that as a judgment on your character and value as a human being,

or you can realize that she has a vast network of internal values and associations that she's made,

and for whatever reason, your unique combination of traits

and behaviors does not stimulate the correct sequence of stimuli in her hypothalamus to trigger a conscious experience of arousal.

You didn't do anything wrong.

She didn't do anything wrong it was just never going to happen anyway, and it was always outside of your control.

Basically, it's still not about you.

Or how about this?

Your friend bails on your birthday dinner an hour before.

He doesn't even bother to text you an apology.

You feel angry, offended, humiliated.

How could you care about someone who clearly doesn't give two shits back?

You feel bad about yourself, and you feel even worse about them.

And you realize you are not a priority for them.

That perhaps they aren't even capable of making another human being a priority at all.

That perhaps they see all relationships as highly transactional, unsentimental, and conditional on getting something of value out of another person.

You realize that you opted into this dynamic yourself, whether consciously or unconsciously, and

that your naive romantic notions of a burgeoning bromance were premature at best and completely delusional at worst.

You realize that this

so -called friend who has ghosted you on the most important day of the year was never actually a friend at all.

They were only imagined to be a friend, and that they are likely suffering from the loneliness

and isolation of their emotionally siloed life far more than you ever will from having one fewer people at a birthday dinner.

Basically, you realize it's not about you. Or this.

You give a toast at your brother's wedding, and your voice cracks like you're 13.

You lose your place, you say um 11 times, and then you sit down certain that the whole room thinks that you're a fucking idiot.

Your face is flush with embarrassment, and you just want to curl up behind the DJ booth and die.

Yet research finds that fewer than a quarter of the people notice our most embarrassing moments.

The truth is, nobody fucking cares.

They are just happy to be at a wedding.

Happy the bride and groom are going to have a life together.

Happy that the dinner is four courses and all paid for.

Happy that they are going to get to dance to YMCA later

and hopefully make out with one of the bridesmaids behind the bar.

Happy that they are going to have an excuse to cancel all of their plans tomorrow when they have a hangover.

By the time you sit down, they have already forgotten that you even gave a speech.

Because it's not about you.

Or you find out your friends planned a weekend trip to Joshua Tree and you weren't in the group chat.

I mean, this one stings because it does feel like a verdict.

But group trips get planned by whoever happened to be at brunch that day.

Someone said, hey, we should go.

And four people said yes.

Someone made a chat and nobody stopped to audit the guest list.

And sure, maybe you weren't loved enough to be thought of in that moment.

Maybe they don't think of you as their bestest friend in the universe.

Maybe they don't pine for your presence in every free moment when you're not around.

Maybe they even find you to be a little bit needy, self -conscious, and exhausting.

Maybe one of the four guys actually secretly kind of doesn't like you.

Maybe they've actually known each other much longer than they've known you, and they pine for the days when they were a valiant foursome,

off on their own together.

Maybe they couldn't be bothered to invite other people, and they just didn't even think anything of it.

Basically, maybe it's not about you.

Or you get fired.

HR is in the room, there's a box for your stuff, and it feels like the most personal judgment imaginable.

They looked at you and they decided, this guy's not worth it.

But in truth, layoffs get decided in spreadsheets by people who have never heard your voice.

They don't recognize your name, and they certainly don't give a shit if you have a stellar personality or not.

A VP needed to cut 12 % of costs before the earnings call, and your salary was a sell in column F.

Congratulations, you get three months severance and a new LinkedIn profile picture.

But let's say it's even worse.

Let's say that you actually do fucking suck at your job, and you're fired for performance, and your manager is sick of your shit,

and his manager is breathing down his neck telling him to run a tighter ship.

So guess what?

You're done.

You're gone.

And it hurts.

It hurts to realize that you weren't good enough at that role to make the cut.

But maybe, maybe it's not just a lost job.

Maybe it's a market signal.

Maybe you were not right for that role to begin with.

Maybe it didn't suit your skill set or your personality or your interests, or you were never really motivated to do a good job anyway.

Maybe you lacked the enthusiasm necessary to excel.

Maybe you went into the wrong career to begin with and never stopped to question why.

Maybe this is actually that opportunity to realize

that you have never properly assessed what you're great at and what you're not great at.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the best thing that has ever happened to you professionally.

And while it is technically about you, it's also not really about you.

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It's about what you're best at and leveraging those skills to create the most enriching life possible.

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So really quick, before we talk more about how it's not about you, let's talk about me.

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This video is sponsored by Veyr.

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Now, a lot of you guys have been commenting, asking me about my watches, And I'm very excited to announce that for the first time,

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one of the watch brands that I wear has decided to sponsor a video.

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And they were kind enough to send through a bunch of awesome watches for me to try on

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and to show off to you guys.

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So Veer is really interesting because it was started by two friends back in 2016

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because they wanted one watch for surfing before work and also for work itself.

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They didn't want to have to switch when they went from the ocean into the office.

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And by 2018, they were assembling watches right here in the United States out of California, Arizona, and Alabama.

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Now here is what actually sold me on wearing it.

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The crown screw down so you twist it shut and you stop thinking about water.

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It's water resistant and Veyr backs it with an actual waterproof warranty.

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Now if it ever lets water in while sealed properly they fix it or replace it.

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The crystal is sapphire.

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It's the same scratch resistant glass that you see on watches five times the price.

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So Veyr was cool enough to let me pick any watch from their entire collection

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and I picked this one because of the really unique orange face.

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You know it's on brand guys.

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The whole book is bright orange

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so I felt like I needed a bright orange watch to blind you guys with when I'm sitting here doing YouTube videos.

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So check out Veer through the link in my description.

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Go to www .veerwatches .com slash Mark Manson.

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And if you buy a watch, you will get a free watch roll, which is normally worth $59.

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It's super cool.

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It's great for traveling.

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Very nice.

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But you can only get it if you buy a watch through my link in the description below.

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Back to the video.

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Then let's say your partner cheats on you.

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Of everything on this list, this one probably feels the most about you.

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You weren't enough.

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You weren't hot enough.

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You weren't fun enough.

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You weren't present enough.

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You weren't loving enough.

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But the infidelity research points the other direction.

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The best predictor of whether someone will cheat is whether they've cheated before.

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A 2017 study that followed people across multiple relationships found

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that the people who cheated in one relationship were three times more likely to cheat in the next one.

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New partner, same result.

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The common denominator is the person doing the cheating, not the person being cheated on.

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Personality research finds the same pattern.

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People who score high in narcissism, low in conscientiousness, and who get uncomfortable when intimacy gets real are the ones who end up straying.

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They brought those traits into the relationship.

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You didn't put them there.

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So once again, it isn't really about you.

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Or is it?

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Because you did contribute to the relationship.

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You chose to be with them.

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You believed them when they told you that they were committed.

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But here's the problem.

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Infidelity isn't meaningfully connected to the quality of the partner or the relationship.

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The psychologist Shirley Glass found that 56 % of men

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and 34 % of women who'd had affairs described their marriages as happy or very happy.

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They weren't fleeing a bad partner.

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Esther Perel, who has spent decades counseling couples after affairs, says that people who stray are usually looking for different versions of themselves,

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not a different partner.

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The version who isn't a tired parent with a mortgage, or the version who feels 25 and full of energy again.

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Sure, maybe there were problems.

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Maybe you've drifted and let yourself go.

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Maybe the sex has gone stale.

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Every long relationship has problems.

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But a problem in a relationship leaves you with a bunch of honest options.

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You can bring it up and work on it.

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You can go to therapy.

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You can leave.

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Cheating is the option that lets them get what they want without having the hard conversations, without doing any of the work.

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Choosing it takes a specific type of cowardice, and that cowardice was in them long before you showed up,

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and there was nothing you could have done to fix it.

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Your partner was running from something inside of themselves, and you happened to live in the house and be with them when they ran.

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Could you have done more?

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Of course you could have.

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Could things have been salvaged?

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Yeah, probably.

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But is it about you?

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No. Honestly, it is about them.

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Now, you might be saying this is getting a little bit ridiculous.

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I mean, Mark, are you saying that nothing is about me?

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Nothing is personal?

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Isn't that just avoiding responsibility or my problems?

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No, actually, you are responsible for everything in your life.

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You are responsible for everything you do.

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And so in that sense, everything that you do is about you.

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But similarly, everything everybody else does is primarily about them.

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It's not personal towards you.

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It's not about you.

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That girl that never got back to you, it's about her.

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It's not about you.

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It's not personal.

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That friend who ditched you, it's about them, not about you.

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It's really not that personal.

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The job you lost, it's about them, not about you.

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The cheating spouse at the end of the day, even if you were a shitty partner, it was about them and the choices that they made.

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They chose to handle it that way.

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It's about them.

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So why do we resist this idea?

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Why do we keep telling ourselves that everything is actually about us?

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I think we do this because we'd have to accept the fact

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that nobody is thinking about us as much as we think they are.

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Because believing that every slight aimed at you is about you requires a certain degree of self -importance

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that I think underneath it all feels kind of good.

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To take everything personally, you're assuming that somebody with their own job, their own family, their own credit card debt

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and weird rash spent part of their day masterminding how to make you feel like shit, I mean, come on.

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They didn't.

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They don't really fucking care.

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See, the twisted fucked up thing about taking everything personally is

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that each grievance makes you the main character of the entire world.

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If your friend skipped your birthday to hurt you, then you mattered enough to be someone worth hurting.

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If a girl broke your heart because you said the wrong thing, then it means that your words matter enough to end a relationship over.

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The truth is, she just wasn't that into you.

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And being wronged feels much better than being irrelevant.

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Psychologists who study people with chronic senses of victimhood find

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that they ruminate on old slights and crave having their pain recognized by others.

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The slight becomes almost like a little trophy that they can show and display to others.

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It's proof that they count, that they matter.

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The psychologist David Elkind calls it the imaginary audience, the conviction that everybody is watching and judging you at all times.

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Kids have it, teenagers especially have it, and they agonize about it, but you're supposed to outgrow it.

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But the truth is, plenty of adults never outgrow it, they just get better at hiding it.

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When one unanswered text ruins your whole weekend, the 12 -year -old who got laughed at in the cafeteria

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is still in there inside of you throwing a fucking pity parade, imagining that everything everyone else does leads back to you.

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No matter how fucked up the situation, the reason for someone's behavior lives inside that person.

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Their fears, their habits, their bad week, their dead phone.

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Aaron Beck, the founder of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy,

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had a name for a habit of assuming that you caused events that had little or nothing to do with you.

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He called it personalization, and he classified it as a cognitive distortion.

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Now, the fix that cognitive behavioral therapists use is very simple.

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When something stings, you're supposed to come up with three explanations for it that don't involve you in any way.

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They don't have to be true, they just need to be possible.

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And when part of the mess is yours, you can own that part.

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If you were a crappy partner, great, fix that for your next relationship.

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If you were really bad at your job, then you should probably figure out why.

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Now, all of this can sound a little bleak, like nobody's thinking about you that much,

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or your friends aren't lying awake wondering how you're doing every day,

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or the guests at your brother's wedding forgot your toast as soon as the conga line started.

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But actually, flip it around.

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Because if nobody is watching that closely, if nobody cares, nobody is grading you either.

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Nobody is actually judging.

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You can take the salsa class and be fucking terrible at it.

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You can start a YouTube channel and have nobody watch it.

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You can ask the dumb question in a meeting and actually learn something new.

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You can wear the weird sweater that gets you strange looks on the train.

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Nobody cares.

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Nobody's going to remember.

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The audience that you've been performing for your whole life is mostly empty seats.

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And the few people

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that are sitting there are probably too busy worrying about their own performance to notice the quality of yours.

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So no, it isn't about you.

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Which means you get to go be whoever you want to be.

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So go be it.

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이 레슨의 어휘와 말하기 포인트

이 말하기 레슨은 영상 “How To Stop Taking Things Personally”을(를) 바탕으로 합니다. 이 영상에는 섀도잉할 문장 250개와 단어 2846개가 있습니다. 말하는 구간의 길이는 14:08입니다. 화자는 분당 약 201단어로 빠르게 말하므로 연음과 약하게 발음되는 소리가 많습니다. 단어의 86%가 영어에서 가장 많이 쓰이는 3,000단어에 속합니다. 나머지는 연습 전에 미리 확인해 두세요.

이 영상의 핵심 어휘

영상에 나오는 익혀 둘 만한 단어 15개를 발음, 뜻과 함께 정리했습니다.

단어	발음	뜻
cheat 동사	/ˈt͡ʃiːt/	바람피우다, 바람을 피우다
psychologist 명사	/ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/	심리학자
priority 명사	/pɹaɪˈɒɹɪti/	우선, 우선권
habit 명사	/ˈhæb.ɪt/	습관, 버릇
slight 형용사	/slaɪt/	약간의
pine 명사	/paɪn/	솔, 소나무
sponsor 명사	/ˈspɒn.səː/	스폰서
toast 명사	/toʊst/	토스트
sting 동사	/ˈstɪŋ/	물다, 찌르다
trait 명사	/tɹeɪt/	특징
vast 형용사	/væst/	광대하다, 거대하다
founder 명사	/ˈfaʊ̯n.dəː/	창설자, 설립자
ridiculous 형용사	/ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/	웃으운
explanation 명사	/ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/	설명
romantic 형용사	/ɹoʊˈmæn(t)ɪk/	로맨틱하다

영상에 나오는 구동사

단어	뜻
sit down 동사	앉다

따라 말해 볼 만한 문장

영상에 나오는 짧고 완결된 문장으로, 일상 대화에서 그대로 쓸 수 있습니다:

They weren't thinking about you.
Basically, it's not about you.
She doesn't want to see you.
Could you have done more?
Isn't that just avoiding responsibility or my problems?

이 영상의 문법

화자가 가장 많이 쓰는 문형을 영상 속 실제 표현과 함께 정리했습니다.

문형	영상 속 표현
현재완료진행 have/has been + -ing — 전에 시작해 지금도 계속되는 동작	have been commenting · you've been performing
현재완료 have/has + 과거분사 — 과거의 일이 지금도 관련이 있을 때	has already forgotten · has ghosted · have already forgotten
수동태 be + 과거분사 — 누가 하는지보다 무슨 일이 일어나는지에 초점	were only imagined · weren't loved · be bothered
관계절 who / which + 절 — 사람이나 사물에 대한 추가 정보	person who waved · someone who clearly · friend who has

주의할 발음

화자는 you're, weren't, didn't 같은 축약형과 약화된 형태를 66번 사용합니다. 들리는 대로 짧게 발음하세요.

“th” 소리: bother /ˈbɑðɚ/, breathe /bɹiːð/, booth /buθ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, enthusiasm /ɪnˈθuziæzəm/
“sh”와 “zh” 소리: conscious /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, registration /ˌɹɛd͡ʒ.ɪˈstɹeɪ.ʃən/, notion /ˈnoʊʃən/
긴 단어 — 강세 위치에 주의: psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, priority /pɹaɪˈɒɹɪti/, behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/, primarily /ˈpɹaɪ.mə.ɹə.li/, ridiculous /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/

한국어 화자가 어려워하는 소리:

/f/ — ㅍ(/p/)으로 바꾸지 말고 윗니를 아랫입술에 대기: fewer /ˈfjuː.ɚ/, founder /ˈfaʊ̯n.dəː/, flip /flɪp/, uncomfortable /ʌnˈkʌm.fɚ.tə.bl̩/, trophy /ˈtɹoʊfi/
/v/ — ㅂ(/b/)과 구별하기: cognitive /ˈkɑɡ.nɪ.tɪv/, whoever /huˈɛvɚ/, behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/, vast /væst/, invite /ɪnˈvaɪt/
/z/ — ㅈ이 아니라 성대를 울리는 /s/: resistant /ɹəˈzɪstənt/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, resist /ɹɪˈzɪst/, enthusiasm /ɪnˈθuziæzəm/

이 영상으로 연습하는 방법

먼저 말하지 않고 영상을 끝까지 듣고 모르는 단어를 적어 둡니다.
0.75배속으로 한 문장씩 섀도잉을 시작하고, 익숙해지면 보통 속도로 돌아갑니다.
자신의 목소리를 녹음해 원본과 비교하고, cheat, psychologist, priority 같은 단어에 특히 주의합니다.

쉐도잉이란? 영어 실력을 빠르게 키우는 과학적 방법

쉐도잉(Shadowing)은 원래 전문 통역사 훈련을 위해 개발된 언어 학습 기법으로, 다언어 학자인 Dr. Alexander Arguelles에 의해 대중화된 방법입니다. 핵심 원리는 간단하지만 매우 강력합니다: 원어민의 영어를 들으면서 1~2초의 짧은 지연으로 즉시 소리 내어 따라 말하는 것——마치 '그림자(shadow)'처럼 화자를 따라가는 것입니다. 문법 공부나 수동적인 청취와 달리, 쉐도잉은 뇌와 입 근육이 동시에 실시간으로 영어를 처리하고 재현하도록 훈련합니다. 연구에 따르면 이 방법은 발음 정확도, 억양, 리듬, 연음, 청취력, 말하기 유창성을 크게 향상시킵니다. IELTS 스피킹 준비와 자연스러운 영어 소통을 원하는 분들에게 특히 효과적입니다.

섀도잉 방법: 단계별 전체 가이드 읽기 →

쉐도잉 연습: How To Stop Taking Things Personally - 영상으로 영어 말하기 배우기

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