Практика Shadowing: How To Stop Taking Things Personally - Изучайте разговорный английский по видео

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I have good news and bad news.

У меня есть хорошие и плохие новости.

It's not about you.

Дело не в тебе.

Imagine that somebody across the street waves at you, so you wave back to them.

Представьте, что кто-то на той стороне улицы машет вам рукой, и вы машете ему в ответ.

But then you realize that they're waving at the guy behind you and you're so embarrassed that you want to evaporate.

Но потом ты понимаешь, что они машут рукой парню за твоей спиной, и тебе становится так неловко, что хочется просто раствориться в воздухе.

You're going to replay this in the shower for the next three years.

Ты будешь прокручивать это в голове в душе следующие три года.

Whereas the person who waved at you has already forgotten it by the time that they reached their friend.

Тогда как человек, который помахал вам рукой, уже забыл об этом к тому моменту, как подошёл к своему другу.

See, the guy behind you never noticed.

Видишь, парень за твоей спиной так и не заметил.

Nobody on that street noticed either.

Никто на той улице тоже не заметил.

They weren't thinking about you.

Они не думали о тебе.

Because everybody on that street was thinking about themselves.

Потому что все на той улице думали только о себе.

That girl that you like who left your text on red three hours ago,

Та девушка, которая тебе нравится и которая оставила твое сообщение непрочитанным три часа назад,

you've reread your own message four times looking for what you said wrong.

ты перечитал своё сообщение четыре раза, пытаясь найти, что в нём было сказано неправильно.

Meanwhile, she's in a dentist chair, or her dog just puked on her couch, or her phone died, or she saw it and thought,

Тем временем она сидит в кресле у стоматолога, или её собака только что срыгнула на её диван, или у неё сел телефон, или она увидела сообщение и подумала,

I'll answer that later.

Я отвечу на это позже.

And then her brain did what every brain does with every text.

И тогда её мозг сделал то, что делает любой мозг с любым текстом.

She forgot about it.

Она забыла об этом.

You're one of the 47 notifications that she got today wedged between a target receipt

Ты — одно из 47 уведомлений, которые она получила сегодня, зажатое между чеком из Target.

and a reminder to renew her car registration.

и напоминание о необходимости продлить регистрацию её автомобиля.

Basically, it's not about you.

По сути, это не про тебя.

Or let's say the worst -case scenario is actually true.

Или допустим, что худший сценарий на самом деле сбывается.

She's not into you.

Она не испытывает к тебе интереса.

She doesn't want to see you.

Она не хочет тебя видеть.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

Она не хочет с тобой разговаривать.

You can take that as a judgment on your character and value as a human being,

Вы можете воспринять это как оценку вашего характера и ценности как личности.

or you can realize that she has a vast network of internal values and associations that she's made,

или вы можете понять, что у неё есть обширная сеть внутренних ценностей и ассоциаций, которые она сформировала,

and for whatever reason, your unique combination of traits

и по какой-то причине твоё уникальное сочетание черт

and behaviors does not stimulate the correct sequence of stimuli in her hypothalamus to trigger a conscious experience of arousal.

и поведение не стимулирует правильную последовательность сигналов в её гипоталамусе, необходимую для возникновения осознанного ощущения возбуждения.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Ты ничего плохого не сделал.

She didn't do anything wrong it was just never going to happen anyway, and it was always outside of your control.

Она ничего плохого не сделала, просто это всё равно никогда бы не случилось, и это всегда было не в твоей власти.

Basically, it's still not about you.

По сути, речь всё ещё не о тебе.

Or how about this?

А как насчёт этого?

Your friend bails on your birthday dinner an hour before.

Твой друг отказывается прийти на твой день рождения за час до ужина.

He doesn't even bother to text you an apology.

Он даже не удосуживается написать тебе извинение.

You feel angry, offended, humiliated.

Вы чувствуете злость, обиду, унижение.

How could you care about someone who clearly doesn't give two shits back?

Как ты можешь заботиться о ком-то, кому на тебя явно наплевать?

You feel bad about yourself, and you feel even worse about them.

Ты плохо чувствуешь себя, и ещё хуже — по отношению к ним.

And you realize you are not a priority for them.

И ты понимаешь, что не являешься для них приоритетом.

That perhaps they aren't even capable of making another human being a priority at all.

Возможно, они вообще не способны ставить другого человека на первое место.

That perhaps they see all relationships as highly transactional, unsentimental, and conditional on getting something of value out of another person.

Возможно, они воспринимают все отношения как чисто транзакционные, лишенные сентиментов и обусловленные получением какой-либо ценности от другого человека.

You realize that you opted into this dynamic yourself, whether consciously or unconsciously, and

Вы понимаете, что вы сами выбрали эту динамику, сознательно или бессознательно, и

that your naive romantic notions of a burgeoning bromance were premature at best and completely delusional at worst.

что твои наивные романтические представления о зарождающейся мужской дружбе в лучшем случае были преждевременными, а в худшем — совершенно бредовыми.

You realize that this

Вы понимаете, что это

so -called friend who has ghosted you on the most important day of the year was never actually a friend at all.

Так называемый друг, который исчез без объяснений в самый важный день года, никогда не был вам настоящим другом.

They were only imagined to be a friend, and that they are likely suffering from the loneliness

Им только казалось, что у них есть друг, и что они, вероятно, страдают от одиночества.

and isolation of their emotionally siloed life far more than you ever will from having one fewer people at a birthday dinner.

и изоляцию их эмоционально разобщённой жизни гораздо сильнее, чем вы когда-либо почувствуете от того, что на праздничном ужине будет на одного человека меньше.

Basically, you realize it's not about you. Or this.

По сути, ты понимаешь, что дело не в тебе. И не в этом.

You give a toast at your brother's wedding, and your voice cracks like you're 13.

Ты произносишь тост на свадьбе своего брата, и у тебя ломается голос, словно тебе 13 лет.

You lose your place, you say um 11 times, and then you sit down certain that the whole room thinks that you're a fucking idiot.

Ты сбиваешься, говоришь «эм» 11 раз, а потом садишься, будучи уверенным, что вся комната считает тебя полным идиотом.

Your face is flush with embarrassment, and you just want to curl up behind the DJ booth and die.

Твое лицо горит от смущения, и тебе так и хочется свернуться калачиком за диджейским пультом и исчезнуть.

Yet research finds that fewer than a quarter of the people notice our most embarrassing moments.

Тем не менее исследования показывают, что менее четверти людей замечают наши самые неловкие моменты.

The truth is, nobody fucking cares.

По правде говоря, всем насрать.

They are just happy to be at a wedding.

Они просто рады, что находятся на свадьбе.

Happy the bride and groom are going to have a life together.

Счастливые жених и невеста собираются прожить жизнь вместе.

Happy that the dinner is four courses and all paid for.

Рад, что ужин из четырёх блюд и всё уже оплачено.

Happy that they are going to get to dance to YMCA later

Рад, что позже они смогут потанцевать под песню YMCA.

and hopefully make out with one of the bridesmaids behind the bar.

и, если повезёт, поцеловаться с одной из подружек невесты за барной стойкой.

Happy that they are going to have an excuse to cancel all of their plans tomorrow when they have a hangover.

Рад, что у них появится повод отменить все свои планы на завтра, когда у них будет похмелье.

By the time you sit down, they have already forgotten that you even gave a speech.

К тому моменту, как вы сядете, они уже забудут, что вы вообще выступали с речью.

Because it's not about you.

Потому что речь не о тебе.

Or you find out your friends planned a weekend trip to Joshua Tree and you weren't in the group chat.

Или вы узнаёте, что ваши друзья запланировали поездку на выходные в Джошуа-Три, а вас не было в групповом чате.

I mean, this one stings because it does feel like a verdict.

Дело в том, что это больно бьёт, потому что действительно ощущается как приговор.

But group trips get planned by whoever happened to be at brunch that day.

Но групповые поездки планирует тот, кто в тот случайно оказался на бранче.

Someone said, hey, we should go.

Кто-то сказал: «Эй, нам пора идти».

And four people said yes.

И четверо человек сказали «да».

Someone made a chat and nobody stopped to audit the guest list.

Кто-то создал чат, и никто не проверил список участников.

And sure, maybe you weren't loved enough to be thought of in that moment.

И да, возможно, тебя не любили достаточно сильно, чтобы о тебе подумали в тот момент.

Maybe they don't think of you as their bestest friend in the universe.

Может быть, они не считают тебя своим самым лучшим другом на всей планете.

Maybe they don't pine for your presence in every free moment when you're not around.

Возможно, они не тоскуют по тебе каждую свободную минуту, когда тебя нет рядом.

Maybe they even find you to be a little bit needy, self -conscious, and exhausting.

Возможно, они даже считают вас немного навязчивым, застенчивым и утомительным.

Maybe one of the four guys actually secretly kind of doesn't like you.

Может быть, один из этих четверых парней на самом деле тайком тебя недолюбливает.

Maybe they've actually known each other much longer than they've known you, and they pine for the days when they were a valiant foursome,

Возможно, они на самом деле знают друг друга гораздо дольше, чем знают вас, и они тоскуют по тем временам, когда их отважная четверка была вместе.

off on their own together.

Maybe they couldn't be bothered to invite other people, and they just didn't even think anything of it.

Basically, maybe it's not about you.

Or you get fired.

HR is in the room, there's a box for your stuff, and it feels like the most personal judgment imaginable.

They looked at you and they decided, this guy's not worth it.

But in truth, layoffs get decided in spreadsheets by people who have never heard your voice.

They don't recognize your name, and they certainly don't give a shit if you have a stellar personality or not.

A VP needed to cut 12 % of costs before the earnings call, and your salary was a sell in column F.

Вице-президенту нужно было сократить расходы на 12% до звонка по отчетности о прибыли, и ваша зарплата стояла в колонке F как кандидатура на увольнение.

Congratulations, you get three months severance and a new LinkedIn profile picture.

But let's say it's even worse.

Let's say that you actually do fucking suck at your job, and you're fired for performance, and your manager is sick of your shit,

and his manager is breathing down his neck telling him to run a tighter ship.

а его менеджер постоянно давит на него, требуя навести строгий порядок в делах.

So guess what?

You're done.

You're gone.

And it hurts.

It hurts to realize that you weren't good enough at that role to make the cut.

But maybe, maybe it's not just a lost job.

Maybe it's a market signal.

Maybe you were not right for that role to begin with.

Maybe it didn't suit your skill set or your personality or your interests, or you were never really motivated to do a good job anyway.

Maybe you lacked the enthusiasm necessary to excel.

Maybe you went into the wrong career to begin with and never stopped to question why.

Maybe this is actually that opportunity to realize

that you have never properly assessed what you're great at and what you're not great at.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the best thing that has ever happened to you professionally.

And while it is technically about you, it's also not really about you.

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It's about what you're best at and leveraging those skills to create the most enriching life possible.

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So really quick, before we talk more about how it's not about you, let's talk about me.

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This video is sponsored by Veyr.

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Now, a lot of you guys have been commenting, asking me about my watches, And I'm very excited to announce that for the first time,

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one of the watch brands that I wear has decided to sponsor a video.

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And they were kind enough to send through a bunch of awesome watches for me to try on

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and to show off to you guys.

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So Veer is really interesting because it was started by two friends back in 2016

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because they wanted one watch for surfing before work and also for work itself.

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They didn't want to have to switch when they went from the ocean into the office.

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And by 2018, they were assembling watches right here in the United States out of California, Arizona, and Alabama.

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Now here is what actually sold me on wearing it.

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The crown screw down so you twist it shut and you stop thinking about water.

Завинчивающаяся головка заводится поворотом, так что вы просто закручиваете её и больше не беспокоитесь о попадании воды.

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It's water resistant and Veyr backs it with an actual waterproof warranty.

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Now if it ever lets water in while sealed properly they fix it or replace it.

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The crystal is sapphire.

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It's the same scratch resistant glass that you see on watches five times the price.

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So Veyr was cool enough to let me pick any watch from their entire collection

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and I picked this one because of the really unique orange face.

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You know it's on brand guys.

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The whole book is bright orange

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so I felt like I needed a bright orange watch to blind you guys with when I'm sitting here doing YouTube videos.

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So check out Veer through the link in my description.

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Go to www .veerwatches .com slash Mark Manson.

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And if you buy a watch, you will get a free watch roll, which is normally worth $59.

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It's super cool.

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It's great for traveling.

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Very nice.

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But you can only get it if you buy a watch through my link in the description below.

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Back to the video.

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Then let's say your partner cheats on you.

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Of everything on this list, this one probably feels the most about you.

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You weren't enough.

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You weren't hot enough.

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You weren't fun enough.

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You weren't present enough.

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You weren't loving enough.

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But the infidelity research points the other direction.

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The best predictor of whether someone will cheat is whether they've cheated before.

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A 2017 study that followed people across multiple relationships found

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that the people who cheated in one relationship were three times more likely to cheat in the next one.

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New partner, same result.

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The common denominator is the person doing the cheating, not the person being cheated on.

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Personality research finds the same pattern.

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People who score high in narcissism, low in conscientiousness, and who get uncomfortable when intimacy gets real are the ones who end up straying.

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They brought those traits into the relationship.

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You didn't put them there.

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So once again, it isn't really about you.

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Or is it?

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Because you did contribute to the relationship.

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You chose to be with them.

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You believed them when they told you that they were committed.

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But here's the problem.

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Infidelity isn't meaningfully connected to the quality of the partner or the relationship.

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The psychologist Shirley Glass found that 56 % of men

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and 34 % of women who'd had affairs described their marriages as happy or very happy.

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They weren't fleeing a bad partner.

Они не убегали от плохого партнёра.

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Esther Perel, who has spent decades counseling couples after affairs, says that people who stray are usually looking for different versions of themselves,

Эстер Перель, которая десятилетиями консультирует пары, пережившие измены, говорит, что люди, вступающие в сторонние отношения, обычно ищут разные версии самих себя.

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not a different partner.

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The version who isn't a tired parent with a mortgage, or the version who feels 25 and full of energy again.

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Sure, maybe there were problems.

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Maybe you've drifted and let yourself go.

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Maybe the sex has gone stale.

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Every long relationship has problems.

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But a problem in a relationship leaves you with a bunch of honest options.

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You can bring it up and work on it.

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You can go to therapy.

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You can leave.

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Cheating is the option that lets them get what they want without having the hard conversations, without doing any of the work.

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Choosing it takes a specific type of cowardice, and that cowardice was in them long before you showed up,

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and there was nothing you could have done to fix it.

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Your partner was running from something inside of themselves, and you happened to live in the house and be with them when they ran.

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Could you have done more?

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Of course you could have.

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Could things have been salvaged?

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Yeah, probably.

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But is it about you?

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No. Honestly, it is about them.

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Now, you might be saying this is getting a little bit ridiculous.

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I mean, Mark, are you saying that nothing is about me?

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Nothing is personal?

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Isn't that just avoiding responsibility or my problems?

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No, actually, you are responsible for everything in your life.

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You are responsible for everything you do.

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And so in that sense, everything that you do is about you.

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But similarly, everything everybody else does is primarily about them.

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It's not personal towards you.

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It's not about you.

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That girl that never got back to you, it's about her.

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It's not about you.

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It's not personal.

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That friend who ditched you, it's about them, not about you.

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It's really not that personal.

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The job you lost, it's about them, not about you.

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The cheating spouse at the end of the day, even if you were a shitty partner, it was about them and the choices that they made.

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They chose to handle it that way.

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It's about them.

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So why do we resist this idea?

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Why do we keep telling ourselves that everything is actually about us?

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I think we do this because we'd have to accept the fact

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that nobody is thinking about us as much as we think they are.

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Because believing that every slight aimed at you is about you requires a certain degree of self -importance

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that I think underneath it all feels kind of good.

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To take everything personally, you're assuming that somebody with their own job, their own family, their own credit card debt

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and weird rash spent part of their day masterminding how to make you feel like shit, I mean, come on.

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They didn't.

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They don't really fucking care.

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See, the twisted fucked up thing about taking everything personally is

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that each grievance makes you the main character of the entire world.

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If your friend skipped your birthday to hurt you, then you mattered enough to be someone worth hurting.

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If a girl broke your heart because you said the wrong thing, then it means that your words matter enough to end a relationship over.

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The truth is, she just wasn't that into you.

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And being wronged feels much better than being irrelevant.

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Psychologists who study people with chronic senses of victimhood find

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that they ruminate on old slights and crave having their pain recognized by others.

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The slight becomes almost like a little trophy that they can show and display to others.

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It's proof that they count, that they matter.

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The psychologist David Elkind calls it the imaginary audience, the conviction that everybody is watching and judging you at all times.

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Kids have it, teenagers especially have it, and they agonize about it, but you're supposed to outgrow it.

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But the truth is, plenty of adults never outgrow it, they just get better at hiding it.

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When one unanswered text ruins your whole weekend, the 12 -year -old who got laughed at in the cafeteria

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is still in there inside of you throwing a fucking pity parade, imagining that everything everyone else does leads back to you.

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No matter how fucked up the situation, the reason for someone's behavior lives inside that person.

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Their fears, their habits, their bad week, their dead phone.

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Aaron Beck, the founder of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy,

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had a name for a habit of assuming that you caused events that had little or nothing to do with you.

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He called it personalization, and he classified it as a cognitive distortion.

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Now, the fix that cognitive behavioral therapists use is very simple.

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When something stings, you're supposed to come up with three explanations for it that don't involve you in any way.

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They don't have to be true, they just need to be possible.

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And when part of the mess is yours, you can own that part.

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If you were a crappy partner, great, fix that for your next relationship.

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If you were really bad at your job, then you should probably figure out why.

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Now, all of this can sound a little bleak, like nobody's thinking about you that much,

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or your friends aren't lying awake wondering how you're doing every day,

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or the guests at your brother's wedding forgot your toast as soon as the conga line started.

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But actually, flip it around.

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Because if nobody is watching that closely, if nobody cares, nobody is grading you either.

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Nobody is actually judging.

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You can take the salsa class and be fucking terrible at it.

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You can start a YouTube channel and have nobody watch it.

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You can ask the dumb question in a meeting and actually learn something new.

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You can wear the weird sweater that gets you strange looks on the train.

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Nobody cares.

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Nobody's going to remember.

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The audience that you've been performing for your whole life is mostly empty seats.

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And the few people

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that are sitting there are probably too busy worrying about their own performance to notice the quality of yours.

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So no, it isn't about you.

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Which means you get to go be whoever you want to be.

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So go be it.

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Лексика и советы по произношению к этому уроку

Этот урок разговорной практики построен на видео «How To Stop Taking Things Personally». В этом видео 250 предложений и 2846 слов для шедоуинга. Речь длится 14:08. Говорящий говорит быстро, около 201 слов в минуту, поэтому звуки часто сливаются и сокращаются. 86% слов входят в 3000 самых частых слов английского языка; остальные стоит разобрать перед занятием.

Ключевая лексика этого видео

15 слов из видео, которые стоит выучить, с произношением и значением:

Слово	Произношение	Значение
cheat глагол	/ˈt͡ʃiːt/	моше́нничать, смоше́нничать
cognitive прилагательное	/ˈkɑɡ.nɪ.tɪv/	когнити́вный, познава́тельный
psychologist существительное	/ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/	психо́лог
whoever	/huˈɛvɚ/	кто́ бы ни, кто́ бы ни́ бы́ло
priority существительное	/pɹaɪˈɒɹɪti/	приорите́т
bother глагол	/ˈbɑðɚ/	беспоко́ить
fewer	/ˈfjuː.ɚ/	ме́ньше
judgment существительное	/ˈd͡ʒʌd͡ʒ.mənt/	осужде́ние, сужде́ние
habit существительное	/ˈhæb.ɪt/	привы́чка, обы́чай
slight прилагательное	/slaɪt/	незначи́тельный
twist глагол	/twɪst/	скрути́ть, скру́чивать
conscious прилагательное	/ˈkɑn.ʃəs/	находя́щийся в сознании, сознаю́щий
pine существительное	/paɪn/	сосна́
sponsor существительное	/ˈspɒn.səː/	поручи́тель, поручи́тельница
toast существительное	/toʊst/	грено́к, гре́нка

Фразовые глаголы, которые вы услышите

Слово	Значение
sit down глагол	сади́ться, сесть
check out глагол	проверя́ть, прове́рить
come up with глагол	придумывать, приходить в голову
end up глагол	зака́нчиваться, зако́нчиться
figure out глагол	разбира́ться, разобра́ться
find out глагол	узнава́ть, узна́ть
show up глагол	объявля́ться, объяви́ться

Фразы, которые стоит повторять

Короткие законченные фразы из видео, которые пригодятся в повседневном разговоре:

They weren't thinking about you.
Basically, it's not about you.
She doesn't want to see you.
Could you have done more?
Isn't that just avoiding responsibility or my problems?

Грамматика в этом видео

Конструкции, которые говорящий использует чаще всего, с точными словами из видео:

Конструкция	В видео
Present Perfect Continuous have/has been + -ing — действие началось раньше и продолжается	have been commenting · you've been performing
Present Perfect have/has + причастие прошедшего времени — прошлое действие, важное сейчас	has already forgotten · has ghosted · have already forgotten
Пассивный залог be + причастие прошедшего времени — важно, что происходит, а не кто это делает	were only imagined · weren't loved · be bothered
Придаточные определительные who / which + предложение — уточнение о человеке или предмете	person who waved · someone who clearly · friend who has

Произношение, на которое стоит обратить внимание

Говорящий использует 66 сокращённых и редуцированных форм, например you're, weren't, didn't. Произносите их коротко, так, как слышите.

Звуки «th»: bother /ˈbɑðɚ/, breathe /bɹiːð/, booth /buθ/, underneath /ˌʌndɚˈniθ/, enthusiasm /ɪnˈθuziæzəm/
Звуки «sh» и «zh»: conscious /ˈkɑn.ʃəs/, explanation /ˌɛkspləˈneɪʃən/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, registration /ˌɹɛd͡ʒ.ɪˈstɹeɪ.ʃən/, notion /ˈnoʊʃən/
Длинные слова — следите за ударением: psychologist /ˌsaɪˈkɑl.ə.d͡ʒɪst/, priority /pɹaɪˈɒɹɪti/, behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/, primarily /ˈpɹaɪ.mə.ɹə.li/, ridiculous /ɹɪˈdɪk.jə.ləs/

Звуки, трудные для русскоязычных:

/w/ — губы округлены, это не /v/: twist /twɪst/, meanwhile /ˈmiːnwaɪl/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, sequence /ˈsiː.kwəns/, awake /əˈweɪk/
/h/ — лёгкий выдох, а не русское «х»: whoever /huˈɛvɚ/, habit /ˈhæb.ɪt/, behavioral /bɪˈheɪvjəɹəl/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, hangover /ˈhæŋoʊ̯vɚ/ ~ /ˈhæŋɔʊ̯vɚ/
Звонкие согласные в конце слова — не оглушайте их: cognitive /ˈkɑɡ.nɪ.tɪv/, whereas /(h)wɛɹˈæz/, congratulations /kənˌɡɹæt͡ʃəˈleɪʃ(ə)nz/, mortgage /ˈmoɹ.ɡɪd͡ʒ/, involve /ɪnˈvɑlv/

Как заниматься с этим видео

Прослушайте всё видео один раз молча и выпишите незнакомые слова.
Начните со скорости 0,75×, повторяйте предложение за предложением и вернитесь к обычной скорости, когда станет легко.
Запишите себя и сравните с оригиналом, обращая внимание на такие слова, как cheat, cognitive, psychologist.

Что такое техника Shadowing?

Shadowing — это научно обоснованная техника изучения языка, изначально разработанная для подготовки профессиональных переводчиков и популяризированная полиглотом доктором Александром Аргуэльесом. Метод прост, но эффективен: вы слушаете аудио на английском от носителей языка и немедленно повторяете вслух — как тень, следующая за говорящим с задержкой в 1–2 секунды. В отличие от пассивного прослушивания или грамматических упражнений, Shadowing заставляет мозг и мышцы рта одновременно обрабатывать и воспроизводить реальные речевые паттерны. Исследования показывают, что это значительно улучшает точность произношения, интонацию, ритм, связную речь, понимание на слух и беглость речи — что делает его одним из самых эффективных методов для подготовки к IELTS Speaking и реального общения на английском.

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Лексика и советы по произношению к этому уроку

Ключевая лексика этого видео

Фразовые глаголы, которые вы услышите

Фразы, которые стоит повторять

Грамматика в этом видео

Произношение, на которое стоит обратить внимание

Как заниматься с этим видео

Что такое техника Shadowing?