Shadowing Practice: Always Angry? Try This Technique Before The Next Blow Up - Learn English Speaking with Video
Les maken...
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Are you always angry with blowups or stewing about something?
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There's probably some hidden hurts stirring it up.
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I'm going to show you how to analyze your anger.
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I'm Dr. Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist, and I make mental health education videos.
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Our emotions are the way we express ourselves and affect how we feel about ourselves, the decisions that we make, what we believe about the world, and how we interact with others.
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Renowned psychologist, Dr. Paul Ekman, identified six basic emotions that we all have.
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Fear, surprise, happiness, sadness, disgust, and anger.
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From this group of emotions, the most destructive to relationships is anger.
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Yet, it's a normal emotion that we all have.
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How you express your anger has a lot to do with your personality and your upbringing.
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If feeling angry makes you feel vulnerable and exposed, you may suppress your anger and not express it because you fear losing control.
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Suppressed anger is a form of avoidance and can lead to anxiety and feelings of depression.
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On the other hand, some people don't filter their anger at all, and as soon as something triggers them, they express their anger with aggression, either yelling or sharp words or actions.
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And action may be as simple as deleting you from my contacts or blocking your messages because you say things that make me angry or hurt my feelings.
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I could insult you back, but because that's not my personality, I wouldn't know what to say.
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So rather than invite an argument with you, which I'll probably lose and make me feel worse, I just delete you.
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Sometimes, the immediate expression of anger is a good thing and allows you to purge the negative feelings and move on.
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But it can be a bad thing when your response is too aggressive, like blowing up at people or having a reaction that's out of proportion to the trigger, like feeling heat in your chest from anger when someone interrupts you too many times, and the person doesn't even realize how much their interruptions bother you.
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Another sign of pathological anger is chronic anger when you're always angry or annoyed about something.
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So anger can be adaptive if it helps you prune away negative situations or experiences like the example of deleting people who upset you, or it can be maladaptive when the expression of it does more harm than good.
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When dealing with maladaptive anger, it's helpful to look at what lies underneath the anger.
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And one way to examine your anger is to think of it as an iceberg that has a visible part above the surface of the water, but then a much larger part lying beneath the surface that you can't see.
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The visible part is the situation that triggers your angry response.
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In the middle, just below the surface, is your hurt feelings and unmet needs.
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Then at the deepest layer is fear.
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Let's look at an example of how to analyze this together.
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Think of a situation that triggered your anger and caused you to blow up at someone in a way that seemed excessive, or maybe you didn't blow up, but you felt very angry as if someone poked a sore spot on you and now you're aggravated, distracted, and just in an overall bad headspace.
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Here's a hypothetical example.
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My sister Jane asked to borrow $500 from me to start a new business.
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She quit her job because the company no longer allows her to work from home, and she didn't want to have to drive to an office anymore and wants to be her own boss.
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I know Jane, and I know that although she was being paid for an eight-hour day, she probably only worked a couple of hours each day.
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She doesn't have a whole lot of ambition, and I can't see her making enough money to replace her old job.
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When I tell her this, she says...
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- Why can't you just be on my side this one time?
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- implying that I don't trust her, which I don't.
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So, to be supportive, I give her the money.
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Months passed and I don't really get many details about how Jane's new business is going.
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Whenever I ask, she just says, "Oh, it's fine." We get together at a family dinner and my mom asked Jane how she likes her new job.
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I say, "You mean her new business, right?" Jane, matter-of-factly says...
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- Oh no, that didn't work out.
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I had to get a real job.
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- I then asked about my $500 and she says...
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- Oh, sorry, that went into the business, and I had to close it down.
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- I asked, "When were you going to let me know?
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I still want my money." My mother then says...
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- Oh, don't be that way.
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At least she tried something on her own, and why are you so mad?
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You can afford $500 or you wouldn't have given it to her.
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- Now, I'm enraged.
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I blow up at my mom and sister, and I leave the dinner.
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I get even more angry when my father later calls me and tells me that I need to be the bigger person in this situation and let it go because we all know how Jane is.
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Now, I'm livid.
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I can't bring myself to curse my dad out, so I burst into tears and hang up on him.
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Here's my iceberg analysis, and this is hypothetical because I don't have a sister.
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Did I have a right to be angry at Jane for telling me that she blew my money, moved on, and had no intentions of paying me?
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Sure, but that's not really what infuriated me, causing a scene at the family dinner and on the phone with my father.
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So, thinking about the top of the iceberg, the first blowup came from my mother saying that I don't need the money.
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Moving just below the surface, why was that statement so hurtful?
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Because it's a recurring theme, that as the successful child, I don't need much.
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Jane was always needy and failing at something, so she got extra attention and help from my parents.
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So deep down, I feel like my self-sufficiency made it easy for them to let me grow up on autopilot without much support because I didn't need it.
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The second dagger came from my father with his statement that I needed to be the bigger person.
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Again, that triggered a longstanding hurt that I have to be the mature one who lets things go and not show upset.
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So that's the hurt behind that anger.
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What was the unmet need?
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In this specific situation, I needed my parents to empathize with me for being angry at my sister for her inconsiderate behavior.
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I needed them to acknowledge that I had a right to be upset instead of treating me as if I was a bully.
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Now looking even deeper, what's the fear?
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I fear that they, my family, will never let me be imperfect, and if I am, they won't love me.
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I fear the dynamic of me, being the unflawed person without any needs, will never go away, and because of that, I'll never feel close to them.
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And if I really let my mind think about this fear, I may realize and then admit to myself that I actually hate them, and I fear that they'll eventually figure that out.
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Now that conclusion sounds harsh, but the reality is, often, fears that trigger anger have an ugly primitive core to them, and they're primitive thoughts that we don't want to accept on a conscious level.
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Usually, it takes a trained professional to help you recognize some of these unpleasant thoughts, but it's not impossible for you to become self-aware with lots of reflection.
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The positive that can come from uncovering unpleasant thoughts like this is to give you a chance to address the hurt and fear directly instead of only reacting to it.
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So in this case, after pondering how I got here with so much anger about this $500, I conclude that I need to give my family a chance to respond to my feelings of being emotionally neglected over the years and using my success against me.
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Sure, I have an axe to grind with my sister for acting so entitled and insensitive, but it's really my parents who caused the hurt.
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Having a conversation with my parents can help them understand what's really bothering me, it's so much more than money, and give them a chance to make amends.
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Now, yes, there are parents who intentionally harm their children.
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That happens, and it's a terrible thing.
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But there are a lot more parents who are flawed individuals and unintentionally make mistakes that they don't realize have the longstanding effects that they do.
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And I've seen this kind of situation many times, and I've seen a parent confronted about this who had no idea that their child was harboring these feelings.
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The mom says...
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- I was just so thankful that I didn't have to worry about you like I did Jane.
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- But mom doesn't realize that focusing on the special-needs child made the self-sufficient one feel unloved.
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And that dynamic shows up again and again in various situations until it finally gets addressed.
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Another way this iceberg analogy can help is giving you more empathy toward others who blow up all the time or seem easily angered or irritated.
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We all have these icebergs.
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And although it's not okay to attack people because of deeper hurts, understanding that the angry, volatile person may have some unresolved needs may make it easier to overlook their reactions.
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It doesn't mean they should get a pass every time they get angry and lash out, but at least you can avoid engaging with them, because if their reaction is based on some deeper hurt, you're fighting a battle that has little to do with the surface issue that started it.
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I have some other videos on managing anger, and I'll have them linked in the description if you want to see more on anger.
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Thanks for watching. See you next time.
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Woordenschat en spreektips bij deze les
Deze spreekles op niveau B2 is gebaseerd op de video “Always Angry? Try This Technique Before The Next Blow Up”. Deze woorden komen het vaakst terug: anger, angry, fear, hurt, Jane. Deze video bevat 91 zinnen en 1702 woorden om na te spreken. Het gesproken deel duurt 10:07. De spreker praat in een natuurlijk tempo van ongeveer 168 woorden per minuut, dicht bij een alledaags gesprek. 82% van de woorden hoort bij de 3.000 meest gebruikte Engelse woorden; de rest kun je beter vooraf bekijken.
Belangrijke woorden in deze video
De 15 moeilijkste woorden uit de video, met uitspraak en betekenis:
| Woord | Uitspraak | Betekenis |
|---|---|---|
| iceberg zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈaɪsbɝɡ/ | ijsberg |
| emotion zelfstandig naamwoord | /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/ | emotie |
| analyze werkwoord | /ˈæn.əˌlaɪz/ | analyseren |
| aggravate werkwoord | /ˈæɡ.ɹə.veɪ̯t/ | verergeren |
| autopilot zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈɔtoʊˌpaɪlət/ | automatische piloot |
| imperfect bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ɪmˈpɜː(ɹ)fɪkt/ | imperfect, onvolmaakt |
| inconsiderate bijvoeglijk naamwoord | /ˌɪnkənˈsɪdəɹɪt/ | roekeloos, onachtzaam |
| interruption zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˌɪntəˈɹʌpʃən/ | onderbreking |
| irritate werkwoord | /ˈɪɹ.ɪˌteɪt/ | irriteren |
| ponder werkwoord | /ˈpɑn.dəɹ/ | overwegen, overpeinzen |
| unintentionally bijwoord | onbedoeld | |
| upbringing zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈʌpˌbrɪŋɪŋ/ | opvoeding |
| overlook werkwoord | /ˈoʊ.vɚˌlʊk/ | over het hoofd zien |
| dagger zelfstandig naamwoord | /ˈdæɡɚ/ | dolk |
| avoidance zelfstandig naamwoord | /əˈvɔɪdəns/ | vermijden |
Phrasal verbs die je zult horen
| Woord | Uitspraak | Betekenis |
|---|---|---|
| go away werkwoord | weggaan | |
| show up werkwoord | tentoonstellen | |
| work out werkwoord | /ˌwɝk ˈaʊt/ | uitrekenen |
Grammatica in deze video
De structuren die de spreker het meest gebruikt, met de exacte woorden uit de video:
| Structuur | In de video |
|---|---|
| Lijdende vorm be + voltooid deelwoord — het gaat om wat er gebeurt, niet om wie het doet | being paid · are flawed · is based |
| Betrekkelijke bijzinnen who / which + zin — extra informatie over een persoon of ding | people who upset · one who lets |
Uitspraak om op te letten
De spreker gebruikt 40 samentrekkingen en verkorte vormen, zoals don't, didn't, can't. Spreek ze kort uit, zoals je ze hoort.
- De “th”-klanken: hypothetical /ˌhaɪpəˈθɛtɪkəl/, empathize /ˈɛmpəˌθaɪz/, pathological /ˌpæθ.əˈlɑd͡ʒ.ɪ.kəl/, empathy /ˈɛmpəθi/, thankful /ˈθæŋkfəl/
- De klanken “sh” en “zh”: emotion /ɪˈməʊ.ʃən/, interruption /ˌɪntəˈɹʌpʃən/, intentionally /ɪnˈtɛn(t)ʃənəli/, aggression /əˈɡɹɛʃən/, ambition /æmˈbɪʃ.ən/
- Lange woorden — let op de klemtoon: maladaptive /ˌmæləˈdæptɪv/, hypothetical /ˌhaɪpəˈθɛtɪkəl/, autopilot /ˈɔtoʊˌpaɪlət/, inconsiderate /ˌɪnkənˈsɪdəɹɪt/, insensitive /ɪnˈsɛnsɪtɪv/
Klanken die Nederlandstaligen lastig vinden:
- Stemhebbende eindmedeklinker — /b/, /d/, /g/, /z/, /v/ niet verscherpen: iceberg /ˈaɪsbɝɡ/, maladaptive /ˌmæləˈdæptɪv/, primitive /ˈpɹɪmɪtɪv/, analyze /ˈæn.əˌlaɪz/, empathize /ˈɛmpəˌθaɪz/
- /æ/ — opener dan de Nederlandse “e”: maladaptive /ˌmæləˈdæptɪv/, analyze /ˈæn.əˌlaɪz/, aggravate /ˈæɡ.ɹə.veɪ̯t/, pathological /ˌpæθ.əˈlɑd͡ʒ.ɪ.kəl/, dagger /ˈdæɡɚ/
- /g/ — een harde plofklank, geen Nederlandse “g”: iceberg /ˈaɪsbɝɡ/, aggravate /ˈæɡ.ɹə.veɪ̯t/, dagger /ˈdæɡɚ/, disgust /dɪsˈɡʌst/, neglect /nɪˈɡlɛkt/
Zo oefen je met deze video
- Luister de hele video één keer zonder te spreken en noteer de woorden die je niet kent.
- Begin op 0,75× snelheid, spreek zin voor zin na en ga terug naar normale snelheid zodra het makkelijk gaat.
- Neem jezelf op en vergelijk met het origineel; let daarbij op woorden als iceberg, emotion, analyze.
Wat is de Shadowing-techniek?
Shadowing is een wetenschappelijk onderbouwde taalleermethode die oorspronkelijk is ontwikkeld voor professionele tolkentraining en gepopulariseerd door polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. De methode is eenvoudig maar krachtig: je luistert naar native Engelse audio en herhaalt het onmiddellijk hardop — als een schaduw die de spreker volgt met slechts 1–2 seconden vertraging. In tegenstelling tot passief luisteren of grammaticadrills, dwingt shadowing je hersenen en mondspieren om echte spraakpatronen tegelijkertijd te verwerken en te reproduceren. Onderzoek toont aan dat het de uitspraaknauwkeurigheid, intonatie, ritme, verbonden spraak, luisterbegrip en spreekvaardigheid aanzienlijk verbetert — waardoor het een van de meest effectieve methoden is voor IELTS Speaking-voorbereiding en echte Engelse communicatie.