Shadowing Practice: LIVE: English Conversation Lesson: Relationships! - Learn English Speaking with Video
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Hello, hello.
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Welcome to today's special live English lesson here on the Speak English with Vanessa YouTube channel.
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I'm Vanessa.
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I'm Dan.
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And this is my husband, Dan.
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And today we're going to be doing something a little bit special.
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Usually we talk about specific vocabulary,
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specific grammar points, but today we're going to be having a natural conversation with some of our top relationships,
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specifically romantic relationship tips.
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We're going to talk about love today.
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Yeah.
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I feel like this is a really great chance for you because we're going to be just having a conversation together.
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But as we say new vocabulary, we're going to try to explain it as best as we can.
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And this is something that doesn't happen
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when you're having a conversation with someone in your office or maybe a friend from another country.
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You're just having a conversation, but there's not a chance to stop and talk about the words that you're using.
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So hopefully today during our conversation, as new vocabulary comes up, as new vocabulary arises, that's a great phrasal verb,
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it comes up, we're going to explain it as best as we can.
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Make sure to take some notes, make sure to review this if you need to for the vocabulary
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and also for any romantic relationship tips that we have to offer.
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We're going to give some tips today.
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Although these are just a very personal tips, right?
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Yeah.
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Every relationship is unique, right?
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I would say we have a very unique relationship.
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We're both kind of unusual people.
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So let's start with a couple pieces of factual information.
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How long have we ...
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This is a kind of test.
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How long - Oh, it's a test for me.
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How long have we been married?
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We've been married eight years.
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Oh, he passed the test.
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Yes.
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This year in August, it will be nine years.
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We've been married eight and a half years or so.
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Which is a long time for the average American of our age, because we're only 30.
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One?
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31. Oh, we're 31.
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We've been married a little while.
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Yes.
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When did we meet each other?
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We met each other the very first day of college, which is university in other countries.
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Yes.
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So I was 17 years old, but I was almost 18.
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The next week was my birthday.
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So I was pretty much 18 years old and you were 18 too, right?
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Yes.
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So we've known each other for quite a long time from 18 to 31.
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What is that?
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13 years?
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A long time.
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And a lot has happened during that time.
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I think knowing someone, being in a relationship with someone for 13 years is normal for maybe our parents' generation.
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But for our generation, it's something that's a little bit surprising.
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When people meet us, they're surprised that we are 31 and we've been married for eight years.
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Yeah, and that we've only dated each other for a really long time.
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That's not very usual, I don't think.
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Yeah, and that we still like each other.
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I think that there's a lot of - Do we?
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You'll find out today.
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We do.
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So there's a lot of things that we do in our relationship
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or principles that we have that have really helped us to maintain a healthy, strong relationship.
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And those are the two words that I want to focus on today is having a healthy relationship, not just how to find a boyfriend.
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I can't give you advice on that, or how to find a girlfriend, but having a healthy relationship and having a strong relationship,
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it means that you feel confident in your relationship.
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You feel confident in yourself when you're part of that relationship.
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And it means it will last a long time.
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And if you want to have children, it will be a good relationship to have children.
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Because really, if you're going to get married, it's probably mostly to have children, in my personal opinion.
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So today, before we get started, I'd like to give a couple disclaimers.
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First of all, We have a unique situation that we met each other when we were young.
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All of these are personal tips, but that's all we can do is share from our personal lives.
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We have not been married for 50 years.
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I know there are plenty of people who have been together much longer than us.
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So take it with a grain of salt.
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Yes.
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But apparently it's working.
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It's working so far.
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I'm curious, can we talk about that first expression?
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Because this is key for all of our tips today. Which one?
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Take it with a grain of salt.
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Take it with a grain of salt.
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Take it with a grain of salt.
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What does that mean?
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This is an expression that just means don't take everything we say word for word and believe everything.
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We think you should believe it, but it's basically just remember that it's our opinion.
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Yeah.
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It's just our opinion.
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It's just something that's worked for us.
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So you can use this expression.
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It's great if you're giving advice.
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If you want to be humble, because you're not saying, I don't want to say, my relationship advice is the best advice.
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No, no, no. I don't want to say that because it's just my personal experience.
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If you give someone advice, maybe you know some things about cars and your friend asks you,
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can you look at the tires of my car?
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I think something's wrong.
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You could give some advice, but then you might say, well, take it with a grain of salt.
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I'm an amateur.
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You should just go to a mechanic.
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Yes.
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So just please take our advice with a grain of salt.
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It's a lovely idiom.
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And let's start with our first tip today.
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Should we start with the first one?
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Yeah.
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Dan gave a couple tips.
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I gave a couple tips.
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Yeah.
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And my first tip is more for the beginning of your relationship.
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So it's not even really during your relationship at all.
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This is the pre -game we might say.
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Okay.
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And that is to make sure you're a good fit at the beginning.
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So we can talk about the expression good fit.
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So it's kind of like clothes, right?
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This shirt is a good fit for Dan.
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It's not too big.
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It's not too small.
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It fits his body.
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It's a good fit.
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Yes.
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But you can use that for people and relationships too, right?
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So I would say Vanessa and I are a good fit.
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You can kind of imagine maybe a puzzle piece that your personalities fit together.
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So, if you meet someone and you think, oh, this person is a wonderful match for my personality.
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Yeah, not your feet.
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Fit.
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A fit, F -I -T.
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You could say, oh, I'm so excited because we've already been on three dates and we're such a good fit for each other.
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Yes.
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This is great.
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You compliment each other.
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Connected to that, I would say, don't rush.
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So, don't rush into a relationship.
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So, for example, for Vanessa and I, we knew each other for six months before we even dated.
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And after dating, we didn't live together for four years.
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Yes.
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And of course, this is a little bit unusual.
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And we were young.
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Because we were so young.
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But my point is that you don't want to rush into a relationship.
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So maybe this happens to a guy a lot.
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You see a girl and she's so beautiful and you can't even contain yourself.
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You just want to go after her and talk to her.
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And maybe you're not a really good fit.
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You're not a good fit personality -wise.
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You can't hold a conversation.
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You don't like to go and do things together.
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Well, your relationship is going to be a lot more fun and a lot more enjoyable
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If you know at the very beginning before you live together, if you get along, if you're a good fit.
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Sure.
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The word that
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Dan used, one of you asked in the chat box is F -I -T, fit.
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We are a good fit for each other.
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Then Dan also said, don't rush.
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R -U -S -H.
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R -U -S -H, rush.
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Don't rush.
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Yes.
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I think this also shows confidence in yourself because if you rush,
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maybe you make some fast decisions really quickly.
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Maybe it shows, oh, I need to do this or else he won't like me.
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Well, it's okay.
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Make yourself comfortable.
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Make yourself comfortable in your relationship.
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That's important.
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There's another expression we can use for this, but sometimes this is used in medicine,
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but it's a, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
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Oh, this is a lovely ...
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This is a proverb, actually.
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It's a proverb.
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I think Benjamin Franklin might have said this.
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I bet some Chinese person said it.
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Maybe so.
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Everything originated in China, right?
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Yeah.
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We could say an ounce of prevention.
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This is a small quantity.
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Yeah.
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A little bit of prevention, which means something you do before a problem.
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Helps a lot in the future.
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So if you're careful a little bit at the beginning, it will help so much.
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We could say it will pay off.
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So Dan's advice here is at the beginning to be careful, choose the right person.
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I once, I actually watched a TED talk recently
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because I was thinking about this topic and I had a lot of doubts because we are not perfect.
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So I thought, can we give any tips or advice?
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We're just humans.
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How can we share information about this?
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So, I did a little bit of research and I found something quite interesting.
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One of the marriage experts who I was listening to, she said, usually couples seek help in two situations.
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They seek help with marital counseling.
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This is after you're married, you're having problems and you talk to a therapist.
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In that way, it's too late.
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You're already married.
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Yes.
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Maybe you can get divorced, but that's a big deal.
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The second situation is pre -marital counseling.
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If you get married in an English speaking country, or at least in the US, this is so common, pre -marital counseling.
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Usually you need to have some kind of therapy.
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with maybe a pastor or with someone before you get married.
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But this, the lady that I was watching, she said, it's already almost too late because you already chose the person who you're going to marry.
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So if you have some kind of prevention in the past, if you've already thought about who is a good fit for me,
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are we a good fit?
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You've really had some good insight into your relationship, then okay, premarital counseling is helpful,
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but it's not going to change your life because you're already a good fit.
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The most important thing is having a vision and principles for yourself.
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And you look at your partner or your potential partner and say, does this match?
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Will this be a good fit?
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Yes.
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So I think this is a good time to say that,
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for us, we are still a very normal couple in many ways.
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We still have difficulties.
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We still argue about things.
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We're not perfect.
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No, we are not perfect. Are we?
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No. And I think that this is something that for the current age, when you can see things on the internet,
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when you can see things on social media, it's kind of like, at least for women, it's kind of like watching a romantic comedy movie.
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You might see this perfect image of this wonderful couple in the movie, but that's not reality.
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So when you see struggle in your own relationship, you feel like it's the end.
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It's so terrible.
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But really, it's just real life.
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So I think it's really important to not compare your relationship with something that's not realistic,
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like a movie or just some kind of social media images.
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So that's kind of another disclaimer.
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But you can compare with us because we're real.
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We're pretty real.
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This is real advice.
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I think what they see of our relationship is not every day.
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No. So that's what I mean.
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We'll get into the other things.
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Yes.
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Let's move on.
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Yes.
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Let's move on to my tip.
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So Dan's tips were kind of serious.
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My tips are kind of light.
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Light.
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I was going to tell, Vanessa is very happy.
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Well, I wanted to share some things that have personally really helped me in our relationship.
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beyond the general principles.
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And this is to have fun together.
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I think that this can apply before you are married, but also during your marriage.
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I know that we have some friends who have been together for a long time.
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And then even though they both like each other, they feel like there's nothing special anymore.
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Or maybe we shouldn't be together.
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And of course, everyone has their own situation.
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But for us, it's been really helpful to have some common activities that we really like to do together.
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And there's actually a bunch of studies that show having a relationship,
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people who are 100 years old or pretty old and they've been in a relationship for a while,
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something that has helped them is to have fun together.
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Because you're not always going to be a honeymoon couple who just met each other.
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You're going to be just normal people.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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This doesn't have to be everything.
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Oh yeah.
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You don't have to enjoy everything together.
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I have a hobby.
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I like to watch ice hockey.
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She will not watch a hockey game with me at all.
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That's my thing.
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It's okay.
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I occasionally ask you about it or occasionally ...
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I have enough knowledge now from living with you, but it's not ...
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We don't do everything together.
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No, but it's just some things.
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It's very good if you like to do some things together.
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It will make your relationship more enjoyable overall.
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For example, we like to go on hikes.
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Yeah.
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We'll walk up ...
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We'll hike up a mountain together and we'll have a conversation and we'll be doing something together.
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Yeah.
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Then it's something that later you can reflect on.
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Oh, remember when we went on that hike, you have more in common and you can talk about other things.
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Yeah, or traveling too.
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Many of you who are into English probably also like to travel.
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So I remember very fondly going to Europe with my wife
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because Europe is very enjoyable and there's a lot of beautiful buildings and lots of places to go and see.
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So it's a fun thing that you can do together.
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Yeah, I think that it could be something simple like hiking, even enjoying cooking meals together.
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We like to play games.
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So we like to play board games.
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We like to play disc golf, which is like throwing a frisbee together.
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We like to run around in the park together.
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We like these fun things.
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And something that the marriage counselor who I was watching that video about,
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something that she mentioned is that sometimes after you've been with someone for a long time, your relationship tends to get.. more serious,
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not just serious as in you're going to stay together, but serious as in your demeanor.
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Demeanor means your face, your attitude.
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Your attitude becomes really serious because you're talking about daily life, your job, are you doing the dishes, who's cooking dinner, where's our baby,
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just factual things, not really fun things.
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She said it's really important to add fun into your life instead of just those kind of, okay, how much money do we have?
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Can we do this?
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Yeah.
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Those kinds of serious things.
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It's good to insert some fun into your life.
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If you have time.
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Yeah.
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It could even be something small, like listening to music together.
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Sure.
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Something that you can enjoy as a couple.
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Somebody asked, what's a board game or how to spell board game?
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B -O -A -R -D.
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Yes.
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Board game.
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It's a tabletop game, a game you play on the table.
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Yes.
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Like cards or Monopoly.
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That's a perfect example.
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Yeah.
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We don't really play
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Monopoly, but there are lots of great board games.
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Maybe we should make a video of a board game sometime.
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Yeah, definitely.
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It could be a fun time.
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All right.
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Let's go on to the next tip that you have.
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What's your next tip?
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So my next tip, mine are all negative.
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It is don't make excuses or place blame.
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Now, sometimes you're going to do these things.
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Can you explain the word blame?
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Because that's kind of a complex word.
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If you place blame, which is B -L -A -M -E, that means you are saying to somebody else, it's your fault.
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You're pointing your finger.
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You did this.
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It's your problem.
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You, you, you.
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And not never yourself and don't make excuses would be
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if you do something wrong if you say something bad
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or you make a mistake
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if you make an excuse you're always saying something like well I I was tired
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or well uh I was really busy
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and I didn't have time to do this or that you know this is making excuses.
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It's coming up with reasons why you were bad or you didn't do things as good as you could.
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So if you do these things a lot, if you place blame or you make excuses very frequently,
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then your relationship will get not very enjoyable.
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Yeah.
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We can even use the word crumble.
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Ooh, crumble.
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Crumble.
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We can imagine a cookie.
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When you break a cookie, it crumbles.
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It breaks into little pieces.
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So we can use this figuratively to say, oh, our relationship is crumbling.
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Yes, place blame.
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That's right.
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Somebody wrote place blame.
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Yes, don't place blame.
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And a lot of times you can get into blame games.
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Oh, this is a good idiom.
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Don't play the blame game.
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So a lot of times if you blame somebody, if you say, this is your fault.
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Why did you do this?
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Maybe they'll say, no, it's your fault.
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And they'll just go back and forth and back and forth.
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This is the blame game.
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It's not good.
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And I think that in this situation,
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this is an important time to have insight into yourself and insight into the other, your partner.
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The word insight, we can imagine in, inside, and sight.
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You're seeing into yourself.
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So, in this situation, let's take a concrete example.
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This is something that happens in our house.
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I'm sure it happens in your house too, the dishes.
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We actually just got a dishwasher, so it has been amazing.
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But if we had some dishes in the sink, maybe Dan thought that I was going to do them.
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I thought that
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Dan was going to do them.
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And then I say, oh, why didn't you do the dishes?
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Well, I'm blaming him.
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but also I don't have insight into why he didn't do them.
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So maybe I say, why didn't you do them?
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And he says, I'm too tired.
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I don't want to do them.
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I thought you were going to do them.
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Well, here I didn't realize, oh, he's tired.
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And he didn't realize that I thought he was going to do it.
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We don't have this spoken communication connection about who should do it.
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So this, I feel like this kind of blame can often be resolved with a couple deep breaths.
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Okay.
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It's just the dishes.
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This is small things.
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It's choosing your battles.
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This is a common expression that we use in relationships often with the word pick, pick your battles or choose your battles.
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This word B -A -T -T -L -E -S.
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What does it mean to say, pick your battles?
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Pick your battles means don't argue about everything.
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If you're going to get angry or frustrated, then choose.. something important, not lots of little problems.
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Yeah.
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We often call this nagging, N -A -G -G -I -N -G.
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Nagging.
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We can imagine the stereotypical, usually it's a woman, a stereotypical woman in a movie.
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The wife is saying, hey, pick up your clothes.
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Why didn't you do that?
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Oh, why are you still sleeping?
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Get out of bed, blah, blah, blah.
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This is nagging.
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Nobody likes nagging.
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No one wants to nag and no one wants to be nagged.
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Yeah.
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And I think maybe an extra bit of advice.
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You said take a deep breath.
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This is a good idea.
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Take a deep breath.
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If you're feeling a little angry at your partner, before you say something, just breathe.
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Because, I mean, I know we look very happy all the time, but we get angry with each other, too.
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I promise you it happens.
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And I've had to learn, especially me me.
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Sometimes I get a little bit ...
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I have a temper.
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I can get angry.
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You can get upset sometimes.
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I can get angry sometimes.
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I think everybody can get upset sometimes.
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So I've had to learn to stop and take a little breath before I say something,
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because when you're angry, you might say something really mean.
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And if you say something really bad, your partner is going to remember that.
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Yes.
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So you don't want to let a lot of those bad words build up over time.
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I think we're going to talk about this more with Dan's third tip about how to not let things build up.
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Build up means your anger is growing inside of you and you explode.
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In Dan's third tip, we're going to talk more about that.
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But before we go on to my tip, I feel like not blaming,
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picking your battles, all of this deals with the category of emotional regulation.
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This is kind of a fancy word.
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I read this in one of the articles that I was reading about this topic,
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relationship advice, and I feel like it covers so many great things.
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Regulating yourself, am I just lashing out?
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Lashing out is like a whip with your words, lashing out, or am I being rational?
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Am I being thoughtful?
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Also, when someone else, if Dan criticizes me or if Dan says,
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hey, you said you were going to do the dishes and you didn't do them.
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Why didn't you do them?
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I need to have emotional regulation.
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Personally, I don't like it when people tell me what to do.
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I'm very stubborn.
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Maybe you're like this too.
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So in this situation, I need to feel okay with some uncomfortable feelings.
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When someone corrects me, I need to take a deep breath.
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Okay, I'll do it.
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And I can't just yell at him immediately.
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I need some emotional regulation.
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Somebody said I breathe every morning to control anger.
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Good idea.
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Words show.
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That's a good one.
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Breathe every day.
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Yes.
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Take some deep breaths.
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And I think in this situation, making sure that you are not immediately getting upset at the other person and also not
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Not getting upset when people correct you.
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Yeah, meditation or yoga, that would probably help with the situation.
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And it's more difficult for some people than others.
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Yeah, definitely.
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I know I have more trouble with emotional regulation than Vanessa, which I think is a little unusual.
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Maybe the stereotype is that the woman is usually more emotional.
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Vanessa is a very steady person.
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It's amazing.
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We can use a great expression here, even keel.
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Even keeled, yes.
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This is E -V -E -N -K -E -E -L, even keeled.
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I think this refers to a boat, like a boat that's flat.
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It's not going one way or the other.
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If you are even keeled, it means that you're not swinging from emotion.
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Oh, I'm really angry.
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Happy, sir.
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Oh, I'm really happy.
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Yes.
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Or like you're instantly angry.
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You are even keeled.
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Yes, steady person is another way to put it steady.
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So you could say, I would like to marry someone who is even keeled
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or I need someone who's even keeled so that they will help me as well to manage myself.
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Yes.
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So let's, this really goes with my second tip.
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My second tip is quite specific and it is something that's helped us a lot, which is - Yes, even keel.
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Yes.
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K -E -E -L.
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Oh, great.
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Thank you for writing that in the live comments.
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That's excellent.
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My second tip is to delegate chores or specific tasks.
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A specific one.
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This is really specific, but I feel like for me, maybe for me as a woman, in my experience, usually ...
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This just, chores, chores means doing the dishes, tidying up, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floor, household things.
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This often is just what the wife does.
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If the wife doesn't want to do everything, it's so important to have a real conversation together about all topics,
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especially if this really bugs you.
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Bugs you means bothers you.
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If it's something that's really important to you, don't be afraid to have a conversation about it.
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So, Dan and I have done this.
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We continually do this to change our roles and to change our specific things that we're doing.
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But we say, okay, so I feel like I've been doing a lot of laundry and maybe the dishes haven't been done often.
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So, how can we make this more even?
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And really this delegation, can you explain the word delegation or to delegate?
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Delegate just means that you are choosing what the different things people are doing.
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And a lot of times if somebody is a delegator, like if Vanessa delegates, then she is telling everybody what to do.
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But if we're delegating together, we're both choosing what chores we want to do.
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And I would add to this that this definitely depends on your relationship.
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So in some relationship, the man works all day and the woman works at home.
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In that sense, it makes perfect sense for the woman to do more chores.
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But in a lot of relationships nowadays, both the man and the woman work.
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So you've got a lot of roles to do.
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Now you have to delegate because if the man and the woman are both working, then you need to decide.
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It's more important today to be on a good connection
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because you have to choose who is doing what in the house
512
because it's not really fair if the man and the woman are working for the woman to still do all the chores.
513
That ain't fair.
514
Yeah.
515
So in this situation, it's really worked well for us to say, okay, Dan always does the laundry.
516
And I, because we have a toddler, he's one and a half years old.
517
I feed our baby.
518
I nurse our baby a lot still.
519
So this takes up a lot of my time.
520
So I, this is my job.
521
I feed, I nurse our toddler and Dan does the laundry.
522
He has to go all the way to the basement.
523
He has to wait in the middle of the night for the laundry to be finished.
524
This is a difficult task that I don't want to do and he can't nurse our babies.
525
We're saying delegate.
526
D -E -L -E -G -A -T -E.
527
Not delicate.
528
Yeah.
529
It doesn't have a C.
530
It has a G.
531
Delegate.
532
Yes.
533
You can also say negotiate.
534
We need to negotiate our roles.
535
Negotiate is, all right, I want to do this, but I don't really want to do this.
536
So you're deciding and you're giving and you're taking.
537
This is a lot of relationships as well.
538
You have to negotiate.
539
Yeah.
540
I think the general principle that we're talking about here is just good communication.
541
Do not expect your partner, your husband or your wife to read your mind mind.
542
This means reading your thoughts.
543
I've noticed that for me, I think this is maybe true.
544
I'm making a lot of generalizations here.
545
I think it's generally true that it's good to be clear and straightforward.
546
Straightforward means - Especially with a man.
547
.. very clear with your husband.
548
That if I beat around the bush, this means say something
549
And indirectly, sometimes
550
Dan doesn't get it.
551
So I need to be clear and say, oh, this is beating around the bush.
552
If I said, oh, I don't have any socks, that's beating around the bush.
553
Being clear is, have you done the laundry?
554
I need more socks.
555
This is very clear.
556
So, realizing that the other person cannot read your mind.
557
If I said, oh, I don't want anything for my birthday.
558
You don't need to buy me anything.
559
Okay.
560
Maybe he's going to believe that.
561
But really in my heart, I really want a present.
562
Just tell him, I would like a present.
563
Please find me something special from your heart.
564
Yes.
565
Although on the flip side, if you're a guy, it's better if you know these things already.
566
But I'm saying as a couple, it's good to be clear and straightforward.
567
I think more for things you want in daily life.
568
Yeah.
569
Not gifts.
570
You know, like doing the laundry.
571
It's better to just say, hey, I need the laundry done soon.
572
Yeah.
573
Please.
574
Sure.
575
Or to just be on top of it.
576
That's more direct.
577
Yes.
578
So let's go on.
579
We said to delegate some chores, delegate some tasks.
580
Recently, we just booked a special vacation and
581
Dan booked our rental car and I booked the places where we're going to stay.
582
Oh yes.
583
We delegated because I said, I don't want to plan the vacation, all of the travel details,
584
where we're going, because I was a little nervous about that.
585
But I said, I'll plan the transportation.
586
I'll do the car and where we're going and the driving and that kind of thing.
587
I'm cool with that.
588
I planned where we're going to stay and Dan planned the car.
589
And this for me, it split, it divided the work.
590
I didn't need to do everything.
591
Dan didn't need to do everything, but we both did.
592
We negotiated some kind of equal thing with each other, which is something I really appreciate about a relationship.
593
All right.
594
We are going a little bit long here.
595
So let's go on to the last one, the third tip, which is very specific as well.
596
It's something that I think, I don't know many other couples who do this, but I think it's something that's really worked well for us.
597
So what is your third, Your third tip, our fifth tip together, our final tip for a healthy ...
598
My final tip for a good and strong relationship is to check in regularly.
599
Check in.
600
We have check in.
601
A wonderful phrasal verb.
602
Yes.
603
Check in.
604
This means that you are planning a day or a date where you are going to talk about important things,
605
or you're going to plan a conversation.
606
Yes.
607
So if you check in with each other, maybe you ask, how are you feeling?
608
How are you feeling about - Your week.
609
.. the school our kid is going to, or how do you feel about ...
610
Yeah, how do you feel about the week?
611
How was your week last week?
612
You're checking in.
613
Yes.
614
And this is ...
615
Check in can mean a lot of different things.
616
A lot of times if you see check in,
617
it just means that you are going to a hotel and they're going to write you in to the hotel.
618
I'm going to check into the hotel at 10 AM.
619
But here we're talking about emotionally.
620
But if you emotionally check in with each other, or it might not even be emotional.
621
It could be the kind of things you're doing in the week.
622
Maybe a little more pragmatic.
623
So the specific way that this plays out, plays out is another phrasal verb,
624
that this goes in our relationship is we have meetings once a week, every Sunday, when our baby,
625
our toddler, our child is taking a nap.
626
We have an organized meeting.
627
We call it a meeting.
628
It's not really a meeting.
629
It's organized.
630
And I think that sometimes a date, you just eat together and talk together about anything.
631
But I really appreciate that it's organized because we were We're talking about before, letting your anger build up.
632
This is a terrible thing for you.
633
It's terrible for your relationship, but I know every Sunday we are going to have a meeting.
634
So if there's something big that I want to talk about, I can talk about it on ...
635
Of course I can talk about it at that moment if I wanted to.
636
Would you say check in is analyze?
637
Somebody asked.
638
Oh, we could analyze our week.
639
If we're checking in.
640
Checking in with each other.
641
It could have some analyzation.
642
Analyzation?
643
Where you can analyze each other a little bit.
644
Or analyze your week.
645
Yeah.
646
It's more just a time to really ...
647
It's where you say it's okay to talk about maybe the problems of the week or how you felt.
648
Yeah.
649
So for example, in our check -in time, in our meeting, we always rate the week.
650
One to five.
651
Let's talk about how do we start.
652
So on Sunday, our child takes a nap.
653
We usually drink some tea or coffee and we sit down at the dinner table.
654
And what's the first thing that we do?
655
This is just what we create.
656
This is what we do.
657
Yeah.
658
So first we try to say two things that we appreciate about each other.
659
Something very specific.
660
We try to say something nice about each other.
661
Because often maybe there's some kind of criticism.
662
Oh, I was really upset because you didn't do the laundry for three days.
663
You know, there can be some things that are a little bit difficult that we talk about.
664
So it's always good to start with something positive.
665
So for us, we say, I appreciate that you made an amazing dinner last night.
666
And I also was really thankful that you took our car to the mechanic to get the oil changed.
667
Okay.
668
Simple, clear, very specific.
669
And for me, it feels - Women like this a lot.
670
It feels really good.
671
It feels really good because I know that I do a lot of things and I know that
672
Dan doesn't need to say thank you for picking up our baby's toys.
673
Thank you for doing this.
674
He doesn't need to say thank you for everything.
675
I appreciate this.
676
Yeah, you don't go through everything.
677
Just choose two specific things.
678
So it makes me feel good.
679
I really appreciated that you watched Theo.
680
Theo's our baby.
681
I appreciate you watched Theo for two hours while I went to a movie.
682
While I exercise.
683
Wow, that was really great of you.
684
Yeah, and it feels good to be appreciated.
685
So this is what we do at the very beginning.
686
And then what happens next?
687
Then we rank our week, right?
688
So one to five, how was our week?
689
Oh, my week was a 3 .5. And why?
690
What happened?
691
Yeah, well, blah, blah, blah.
692
You go over like what you liked about the week, what you didn't like, how it could be better, right?
693
So if you do this every week, then you're kind of, you're checking in with each other.
694
And then you're thinking, well, what could make the next week a little better?
695
Yeah.
696
And you used a great phrasal verb here.
697
You go over the week and go over doesn't mean literally over.
698
Here it means you're just discussing.
699
You're going in detail about the week.
700
I rate this past week a 3 .8 because this happened, but also this happened.
701
And it helps you to kind of review the week.
702
And then if something made you feel negative, it's a good time to say, oh, but I didn't sleep enough.
703
I felt so tired all week.
704
So maybe this week I'm going to try to do something better.
705
And that's kind of the next part is we talk about the details of next week, here's our plans.
706
Next week, I'm going to try to go to bed at this time and I have a lot of work to do.
707
So I'm going to try to do it in the morning.
708
How can we work together?
709
It's like a meeting.
710
I feel like it's like a meeting.
711
It's pretty organized.
712
And again, another one more disclaimer is this is very important for us.
713
Yeah.
714
Because we have a very open schedule.
715
Yeah.
716
We don't have traditional jobs, right?
717
So if you don't have a traditional job, if you're an entrepreneur, if you spend a lot of time working together,
718
Like we have to work together.
719
A lot. For everything.
720
We're almost like business partners, really.
721
So it's important to do this.
722
Some other people, I think you could do this maybe once a month
723
because maybe the man is working here and the woman's working here and they're a little more separate.
724
You know, that's okay too.
725
You don't have to do everything together.
726
Yeah.
727
Something that we often do during this meeting, we've missed a little bit, but for about three, maybe four years,
728
once a month during that meeting, we keep track of our budget.
729
And I know that money fights are often the biggest problems in relationships.
730
You should talk about money.
731
If you're married, you got to talk about money.
732
So something that has been good for us is we have an Excel spreadsheet.
733
This is quite detailed into our personal life, but we have an Excel spreadsheet and at the end of the month,
734
we look at our bank account.
735
Okay, here's a grocery store purchase and we put it in the Excel spreadsheet and we add up, we spent this much money for groceries.
736
We add up, we spent this much money for car gas.
737
And when you can look at the numbers, it helps you together to see the facts.
738
It's not me being upset because we spent too much money, Dan being upset because I bought something.
739
No, we just see the facts.
740
And this would be a situation where you can't blame or make excuses.
741
Yeah, because there's the facts.
742
So I feel like for me, I love to save money.
743
Dan does not spend very much money, but he doesn't - I spend more money than you.
744
He spends a little bit more than me.
745
We're quite similar that we don't spend a lot of money.
746
But for me, it feels so nice to see our money on a paper and to know, okay, we can, it gives me permission to ...
747
We can go out to a restaurant.
748
It's fine.
749
It gives me permission to relax a little bit.
750
Or maybe for you, if your finances are tight ...
751
I talked about this in a recent YouTube video about learning English for free.
752
You can know, okay, maybe we need to not go out to a restaurant.
753
If one of you, your husband or your wife, spends a lot of money,
754
this is a good way to be clear and honest in your relationship
755
and look at your finances together I know that a lot of people don't do this and that when they do this, it gives so much
756
relaxation and it relieves so much stress
757
because usually one person in your relationship feels more stress about money than the other person.
758
It's really nice to be on the same page.
759
This is a great expression.
760
You are on the same, like a piece of paper, on the same page.
761
We're on the same page.
762
Yes.
763
We agree.
764
Yes.
765
That's basically what it means.
766
It just means you both agree.
767
I want to be on the same page with you, so let's check in with each other once a week.
768
Let's do some fun activity together.
769
Let's go hiking together and try to have fun and relieve our stresses.
770
Yes.
771
So these are our general tips.
772
These are our tips.
773
And I would just say, remember number one.
774
That's the most important.
775
Make sure you're a good fit in the relationship with the right person because Let's say you want to talk about money.
776
It's going to be very hard to talk about money with somebody who is irresponsible with money.
777
You have to make sure the person you're getting in a relationship with is already good with money.
778
Otherwise, it's going to be even more challenging.
779
But that to say, it's not impossible.
780
You might be in a relationship with somebody who's not good with money.
781
You can still work something out.
782
Yeah.
783
I think that something for us, if we have, let's imagine hypothetically that I'm really bad with money and Dan is really good with money.
784
If Dan is really concerned about this, it's probably a problem anyway, but if Dan is concerned about it,
785
he can't, maybe I'm looking at my phone.
786
He can't say to me all of a sudden, Hey, why, why did we have this purchase?
787
What are you doing?
788
I'm not in the right mindset to discuss this.
789
I feel like something that's worked for us, when there's a problem that's really important to one of us, saying, Hey, when you have a moment,
790
can we talk about something really important?
791
Or, I saw this purchase here and it's really important to me that we talk about it. Be serious.
792
It's important to you.
793
So don't just have ...
794
Make sure you have emotional regulation.
795
Don't just explode about it, but say, hey, this is really important.
796
Can we talk about it?
797
And look at each other's eyes, look at each other and say, hey, this is really important to me.
798
Can we please go through our finances?
799
Let's go through our bank account and make a list and see how much we're spending.
800
This would really be important to me.
801
Try to appeal to their care for you.
802
Dan cares for me.
803
I care for him.
804
So if he says, this is so important to me, let's please talk about it.
805
Of course, I want
806
Dan to be not stressed.
807
So when you take the time to talk about something important like that, it means so much more.
808
If he just said, hey, what are you doing?
809
And then I'm doing something else.
810
It's just going to create an argument because my mind is not there.
811
Dan's emotional regulation is everywhere.
812
So taking a moment, can we really talk about this?
813
This is so important to me.
814
Or can we talk about this later?
815
Yeah.
816
That can help too.
817
You don't want to talk, you don't want to bring up stuff in the moment all of the sudden.
818
That really helps.
819
Somebody said they're confused about which number we're on.
820
I don't think we've been very organized.
821
Sorry, everybody.
822
Dan wrote three tips.
823
I wrote two tips.
824
So we had one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip.
825
So Dan has three.
826
I know I said we have five tips.
827
There's five total.
828
We've been adding a lot of stuff.
829
Yes.
830
We are talking about now the conclusion.
831
The reason why I wanted to talk about this kind of unusual topic today, giving just our personal relationship advice, is for two reasons.
832
Number one, Valentine's Day is coming quite soon.
833
You might be preparing for your relationship, something for your relationship, maybe thinking about relationships a little bit more.
834
Valentine's Day is coming up in February.
835
And number two is in our monthly English course, the Fearless Fluency Club.
836
We have a special lesson set in February.
837
And this is where I interview a therapist.
838
And she's not a relationship therapist.
839
She is an eating disorder therapist.
840
Very different.
841
But she is a therapist and she deals with people who are coming to her with problems.
842
And so I kind of wanted to imitate that a little bit.
843
So what I'd like to do now is I would like to share my screen with you to show you
844
if you would like to continue to learn with us, if you would like to continue this idea of deepening your English through real English conversations.
845
Yes, and in a more organized fashion.
846
This is more a casual conversation - This is a casual chit chat.
847
.. we're having with you today.
848
Yes.
849
So I would like to share my screen with you to show you.
850
Let's take a look here here, you can see this is our Fearless Fluency Club page where you can click the link in the description
851
and join our course.
852
You can find out much more information about each of the lessons here.
853
What I like to do is give you a little sneak preview into the February lesson set.
854
Here you can see February 2019.
855
We have each month, there is a special ...
856
This is a course guide in general for how to use the course.
857
This is a monthly lesson set guide.
858
We're going to be talking about therapy with Elaine.
859
Elaine is a professional counselor or therapist.
860
In this lesson set, we talk about a lot of vocabulary that she used in our conversation.
861
Hey, look, there's Blaine.
862
Oh, we talked about Blaine.
863
Wonderful.
864
Oh, you're already ahead of the game.
865
And then we talk about grammar.
866
Oh, we're going to be talking about really, so, too, these kind of intensifiers, add all.
867
I noticed we used add all in our conversation, actually.
868
And then we talk about some specific pronunciation.
869
So let's take a look.
870
Here you can see the vocabulary lesson with Dan and I.
871
There's two parts to this vocabulary lesson.
872
The grammar lesson, where I explain these important expressions for intensifying your conversation.
873
There's an MP3.
874
You can download it.
875
Also, the transcript of the full lesson so that you can follow word for word.
876
This is helpful for everyone, but it's especially helpful if you are maybe a high beginner,
877
low intermediate, because it's good to catch every single word.
878
Then we have the pronunciation lesson so you can learn some specific pronunciation tips.
879
If you have watched any of my pronunciation lessons here on YouTube, this lesson is quite similar.
880
We shadow and repeat and practice individual sounds.
881
Then we have this special conversation with my friend
882
Elaine, who is an eating disorder therapist.
883
She talks about going to therapy, this process of helping people with something that's really personal,
884
really personal, and sharing that with a stranger and how she helps people, especially she helps young people in her field.
885
But she goes through this and talks about it in detail.
886
It's quite interesting to see the insight into her job.
887
And then in the course, we have this story.
888
The story is a unique thing here.
889
We have different audio recordings of the story story.
890
This is a combination of all the vocabulary, grammar, pronunciation, plus some extra vocabulary from the full lesson set.
891
This is about going to therapy.
892
It's kind of a fiction story, but you can use and see all of the vocabulary in a different context.
893
I hope that this will help to just add to your knowledge of the vocabulary
894
and grammar and see it in a different context.
895
There are questions so you can practice answering questions.
896
It's kind of a controlled speaking practice and also different verb tenses so that you can practice different verb tenses.
897
All right.
898
I'm going to bring back our video here.
899
So if you would like to join us monthly in the Fearless Fluency Club and practice these conversations together with us,
900
You are welcome to join the Fearless Fluency Club now in January or in February.
901
If you join in January, you'll get the January lesson set immediately.
902
Then in the month of February, February 1st, you'll get access to this special lesson set with Elaine.
903
It is $35 per month, but please use the coupon code NEW.
904
If you use the coupon code NEW, N -E -W, you only get it for $5.
905
$5.
906
You have a $30 discount, which is great for the first month.
907
Try the course.
908
You pay $5.
909
If you don't like it, cancel if it's a good fit for you.
910
You can continue in the course and your English will grow day by day.
911
You're welcome to join us.
912
Many members speak together on Skype and Google Hangouts weekly, daily.
913
They practice speaking together.
914
This is a great way to meet friends from around the world.
915
And also you're not paying for expensive Skype lessons.
916
Instead, you're speaking with other people who are also learning, who are like you.
917
It's a community.
918
Yeah, so you can feel comfortable speaking with them.
919
And at the end of each month, we have a group Google Hangout with me.
920
So you'll be able to chat with me in this group Google Hangout.
921
It's super fun.
922
We have a good time together
923
and you get just a chance to meet each other and also meet me and practice speaking a bit.
924
So thank you so much for joining me.
925
I want to know in the comments, what is your number one relationship tips?
926
Share your tips.
927
Tell us.
928
How can we have a better relationship?
929
Yes.
930
Of course, we are always open to expanding and growing and strengthening our relationship, but also for other people.
931
It's interesting to see what worked for you, maybe what didn't work for you.
932
Give us some things not to do.
933
I hope that this lesson has been useful to you
934
and we'll see you again next Friday for a new lesson here on my YouTube channel.
935
I'll see you again the next time.
936
Bye, everybody.
937
Bye.
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Daily ConversationHigh School StudentsUniversity Students
Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This speaking lesson is built on the video “LIVE: English Conversation Lesson: Relationships!”. The speaker keeps coming back to these words: Dan, Vanessa, relationship, tip. This video has 775 sentences and 8746 words to shadow. The speech runs for 49:36. The speaker talks at a natural 176 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. 86% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English; the rest is worth studying before you start.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 words from the video worth learning, with pronunciation and meaning:
| Word | Pronunciation | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| lesson noun | /ˈlɛs.ən/ | A section of learning or teaching into which a wider learning content is divided. |
| vocabulary noun | /vəˈkæb.jə.lə.ɹi/ | A usually alphabetized and explained collection of words e.g. of a particular field, or prepared for a specific purpose, often for learning. |
| delegate noun | /ˈdɛlɪɡət/ | A person authorized to act as representative for another; a deputy. |
| dish noun | /dɪʃ/ | A vessel such as a plate for holding or serving food, often flat with a depressed region in the middle. |
| laundry noun | /ˈlɔːn.dɹi/ | A laundering; a washing. |
| rush verb | /ɹʌʃ/ | To hurry; to perform a task with great haste, often not properly or without thinking carefully. |
| therapist noun | /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/ | Someone who provides therapy, usually professionally. |
| regulation noun | /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/ | The act of regulating or the condition of being regulated. |
| insight noun | /ˈɪnsaɪ̯t/ | A sight or view of the interior of anything; a deep inspection or view; introspection; frequently used with into. |
| grain noun | /ɡɹeɪn/ | The harvested seeds of various grass food crops, especially wheat, maize, rye, barley, and rice. |
| grammar noun | /ˈɡɹæm.ə(ɹ)/ | A system of rules and principles for the structure of a language, or of languages in general. |
| negotiate verb | /nəˈɡəʊ.ʃi.eɪt/ | To confer with others in order to come to terms or reach an agreement. |
| analyze verb | /ˈæn.əˌlaɪz/ | To subject to analysis. |
| verb noun | /vɝb/ | A word that indicates an action, event, or state of being. |
| pronunciation noun | /pɹəˌnʌn.siˈeɪ.ʃən/ | The formal or informal way in which a word is made to sound when spoken. |
Phrasal verbs you will hear
| Word | Meaning |
|---|---|
| go through verb | To travel from one end of something to the other. |
| build up verb | To erect; to construct. |
| go over verb | To look at carefully; to scrutinize; to analyze. |
| add up verb | To take the sum of; to total. |
| come up verb | To emerge or become known, especially unexpectedly. |
| find out verb | To discover, as by asking or investigating. |
| pick up verb | To lift; to grasp and raise. |
| play out verb | To play (a game etc.) to its conclusion. |
Sentences worth repeating
Short, complete lines from the video that you can reuse in everyday conversation:
- When did we meet each other?
- I'm curious, can we talk about that first expression?
- After dating, we didn't live together for four years?
- Why didn't you do that?
- What's the first thing that we do?
Grammar in this video
The structures the speaker uses most, with the exact words from the video:
| Structure | In the video |
|---|---|
| Present perfect continuous have/has been + -ing — an action that started earlier and is still going on | I've been doing · We've been adding |
| Conditional sentences if + clause, will/would + verb — a condition and its result | If you join in January, you'll get |
| Present perfect have/has + past participle — a past action that still matters now | have we been · We've been · we've known |
| Relative clauses who / which + clause — extra information about a person or thing | college, which is · people who have · prevention, which means |
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 234 contractions and reduced forms, such as you're, don't, we're. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “th” sounds: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, breathe /bɹiːð/, strengthen /ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/, thankful /ˈθæŋkfəl/, thoughtful /ˈθɔːtfəl/
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: dish /dɪʃ/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, negotiate /nəˈɡəʊ.ʃi.eɪt/, pronunciation /pɹəˌnʌn.siˈeɪ.ʃən/
- Long words — get the stress right: vocabulary /vəˈkæb.jə.lə.ɹi/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, negotiate /nəˈɡəʊ.ʃi.eɪt/, pronunciation /pɹəˌnʌn.siˈeɪ.ʃən/, unusual /ʌnˈjuːʒ(u)əl/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like lesson, vocabulary, delegate.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.