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Hello, hello.

Welcome to today's special live English lesson here on the Speak English with Vanessa YouTube channel.

I'm Vanessa.

I'm Dan.

And this is my husband, Dan.

And today we're going to be doing something a little bit special.

Usually we talk about specific vocabulary,

specific grammar points, but today we're going to be having a natural conversation with some of our top relationships,

specifically romantic relationship tips.

We're going to talk about love today.

Yeah.

I feel like this is a really great chance for you because we're going to be just having a conversation together.

But as we say new vocabulary, we're going to try to explain it as best as we can.

And this is something that doesn't happen

when you're having a conversation with someone in your office or maybe a friend from another country.

You're just having a conversation, but there's not a chance to stop and talk about the words that you're using.

So hopefully today during our conversation, as new vocabulary comes up, as new vocabulary arises, that's a great phrasal verb,

it comes up, we're going to explain it as best as we can.

Make sure to take some notes, make sure to review this if you need to for the vocabulary

and also for any romantic relationship tips that we have to offer.

We're going to give some tips today.

Although these are just a very personal tips, right?

Yeah.

Every relationship is unique, right?

I would say we have a very unique relationship.

We're both kind of unusual people.

So let's start with a couple pieces of factual information.

How long have we ...

This is a kind of test.

How long - Oh, it's a test for me.

How long have we been married?

We've been married eight years.

Oh, he passed the test.

Yes.

This year in August, it will be nine years.

We've been married eight and a half years or so.

Which is a long time for the average American of our age, because we're only 30.

One?

31. Oh, we're 31.

We've been married a little while.

Yes.

When did we meet each other?

We met each other the very first day of college, which is university in other countries.

Yes.

So I was 17 years old, but I was almost 18.

The next week was my birthday.

So I was pretty much 18 years old and you were 18 too, right?

Yes.

So we've known each other for quite a long time from 18 to 31.

What is that?

13 years?

A long time.

And a lot has happened during that time.

I think knowing someone, being in a relationship with someone for 13 years is normal for maybe our parents' generation.

But for our generation, it's something that's a little bit surprising.

When people meet us, they're surprised that we are 31 and we've been married for eight years.

Yeah, and that we've only dated each other for a really long time.

That's not very usual, I don't think.

Yeah, and that we still like each other.

I think that there's a lot of - Do we?

You'll find out today.

We do.

So there's a lot of things that we do in our relationship

or principles that we have that have really helped us to maintain a healthy, strong relationship.

And those are the two words that I want to focus on today is having a healthy relationship, not just how to find a boyfriend.

I can't give you advice on that, or how to find a girlfriend, but having a healthy relationship and having a strong relationship,

it means that you feel confident in your relationship.

You feel confident in yourself when you're part of that relationship.

And it means it will last a long time.

And if you want to have children, it will be a good relationship to have children.

Because really, if you're going to get married, it's probably mostly to have children, in my personal opinion.

So today, before we get started, I'd like to give a couple disclaimers.

First of all, We have a unique situation that we met each other when we were young.

All of these are personal tips, but that's all we can do is share from our personal lives.

We have not been married for 50 years.

I know there are plenty of people who have been together much longer than us.

So take it with a grain of salt.

Yes.

But apparently it's working.

It's working so far.

I'm curious, can we talk about that first expression?

Because this is key for all of our tips today. Which one?

Take it with a grain of salt.

What does that mean?

This is an expression that just means don't take everything we say word for word and believe everything.

We think you should believe it, but it's basically just remember that it's our opinion.

Yeah.

It's just our opinion.

It's just something that's worked for us.

So you can use this expression.

It's great if you're giving advice.

If you want to be humble, because you're not saying, I don't want to say, my relationship advice is the best advice.

No, no, no. I don't want to say that because it's just my personal experience.

If you give someone advice, maybe you know some things about cars and your friend asks you,

can you look at the tires of my car?

I think something's wrong.

You could give some advice, but then you might say, well, take it with a grain of salt.

100

I'm an amateur.

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You should just go to a mechanic.

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Yes.

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So just please take our advice with a grain of salt.

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It's a lovely idiom.

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And let's start with our first tip today.

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Should we start with the first one?

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Yeah.

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Dan gave a couple tips.

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I gave a couple tips.

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Yeah.

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And my first tip is more for the beginning of your relationship.

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So it's not even really during your relationship at all.

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This is the pre -game we might say.

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Okay.

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And that is to make sure you're a good fit at the beginning.

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So we can talk about the expression good fit.

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So it's kind of like clothes, right?

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This shirt is a good fit for Dan.

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It's not too big.

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It's not too small.

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It fits his body.

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It's a good fit.

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Yes.

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But you can use that for people and relationships too, right?

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So I would say Vanessa and I are a good fit.

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You can kind of imagine maybe a puzzle piece that your personalities fit together.

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So, if you meet someone and you think, oh, this person is a wonderful match for my personality.

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Yeah, not your feet.

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Fit.

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A fit, F -I -T.

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You could say, oh, I'm so excited because we've already been on three dates and we're such a good fit for each other.

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Yes.

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This is great.

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You compliment each other.

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Connected to that, I would say, don't rush.

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So, don't rush into a relationship.

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So, for example, for Vanessa and I, we knew each other for six months before we even dated.

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And after dating, we didn't live together for four years.

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Yes.

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And of course, this is a little bit unusual.

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And we were young.

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Because we were so young.

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But my point is that you don't want to rush into a relationship.

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So maybe this happens to a guy a lot.

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You see a girl and she's so beautiful and you can't even contain yourself.

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You just want to go after her and talk to her.

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And maybe you're not a really good fit.

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You're not a good fit personality -wise.

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You can't hold a conversation.

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You don't like to go and do things together.

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Well, your relationship is going to be a lot more fun and a lot more enjoyable

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If you know at the very beginning before you live together, if you get along, if you're a good fit.

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Sure.

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The word that

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Dan used, one of you asked in the chat box is F -I -T, fit.

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We are a good fit for each other.

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Then Dan also said, don't rush.

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R -U -S -H.

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R -U -S -H, rush.

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Don't rush.

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Yes.

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I think this also shows confidence in yourself because if you rush,

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maybe you make some fast decisions really quickly.

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Maybe it shows, oh, I need to do this or else he won't like me.

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Well, it's okay.

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Make yourself comfortable.

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Make yourself comfortable in your relationship.

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That's important.

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There's another expression we can use for this, but sometimes this is used in medicine,

170

but it's a, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

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Oh, this is a lovely ...

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This is a proverb, actually.

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It's a proverb.

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I think Benjamin Franklin might have said this.

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I bet some Chinese person said it.

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Maybe so.

177

Everything originated in China, right?

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Yeah.

179

We could say an ounce of prevention.

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This is a small quantity.

181

Yeah.

182

A little bit of prevention, which means something you do before a problem.

183

Helps a lot in the future.

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So if you're careful a little bit at the beginning, it will help so much.

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We could say it will pay off.

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So Dan's advice here is at the beginning to be careful, choose the right person.

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I once, I actually watched a TED talk recently

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because I was thinking about this topic and I had a lot of doubts because we are not perfect.

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So I thought, can we give any tips or advice?

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We're just humans.

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How can we share information about this?

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So, I did a little bit of research and I found something quite interesting.

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One of the marriage experts who I was listening to, she said, usually couples seek help in two situations.

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They seek help with marital counseling.

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This is after you're married, you're having problems and you talk to a therapist.

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In that way, it's too late.

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You're already married.

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Yes.

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Maybe you can get divorced, but that's a big deal.

200

The second situation is pre -marital counseling.

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If you get married in an English speaking country, or at least in the US, this is so common, pre -marital counseling.

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Usually you need to have some kind of therapy.

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with maybe a pastor or with someone before you get married.

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But this, the lady that I was watching, she said, it's already almost too late because you already chose the person who you're going to marry.

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So if you have some kind of prevention in the past, if you've already thought about who is a good fit for me,

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are we a good fit?

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You've really had some good insight into your relationship, then okay, premarital counseling is helpful,

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but it's not going to change your life because you're already a good fit.

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The most important thing is having a vision and principles for yourself.

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And you look at your partner or your potential partner and say, does this match?

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Will this be a good fit?

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Yes.

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So I think this is a good time to say that,

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for us, we are still a very normal couple in many ways.

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We still have difficulties.

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We still argue about things.

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We're not perfect.

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No, we are not perfect. Are we?

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No. And I think that this is something that for the current age, when you can see things on the internet,

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when you can see things on social media, it's kind of like, at least for women, it's kind of like watching a romantic comedy movie.

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You might see this perfect image of this wonderful couple in the movie, but that's not reality.

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So when you see struggle in your own relationship, you feel like it's the end.

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It's so terrible.

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But really, it's just real life.

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So I think it's really important to not compare your relationship with something that's not realistic,

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like a movie or just some kind of social media images.

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So that's kind of another disclaimer.

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But you can compare with us because we're real.

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We're pretty real.

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This is real advice.

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I think what they see of our relationship is not every day.

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No. So that's what I mean.

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We'll get into the other things.

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Yes.

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Let's move on.

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Yes.

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Let's move on to my tip.

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So Dan's tips were kind of serious.

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My tips are kind of light.

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Light.

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I was going to tell, Vanessa is very happy.

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Well, I wanted to share some things that have personally really helped me in our relationship.

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beyond the general principles.

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And this is to have fun together.

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I think that this can apply before you are married, but also during your marriage.

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I know that we have some friends who have been together for a long time.

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And then even though they both like each other, they feel like there's nothing special anymore.

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Or maybe we shouldn't be together.

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And of course, everyone has their own situation.

250

But for us, it's been really helpful to have some common activities that we really like to do together.

251

And there's actually a bunch of studies that show having a relationship,

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people who are 100 years old or pretty old and they've been in a relationship for a while,

253

something that has helped them is to have fun together.

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Because you're not always going to be a honeymoon couple who just met each other.

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You're going to be just normal people.

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Right.

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Yeah.

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This doesn't have to be everything.

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Oh yeah.

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You don't have to enjoy everything together.

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I have a hobby.

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I like to watch ice hockey.

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She will not watch a hockey game with me at all.

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That's my thing.

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It's okay.

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I occasionally ask you about it or occasionally ...

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I have enough knowledge now from living with you, but it's not ...

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We don't do everything together.

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No, but it's just some things.

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It's very good if you like to do some things together.

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It will make your relationship more enjoyable overall.

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For example, we like to go on hikes.

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Yeah.

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We'll walk up ...

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We'll hike up a mountain together and we'll have a conversation and we'll be doing something together.

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Yeah.

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Then it's something that later you can reflect on.

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Oh, remember when we went on that hike, you have more in common and you can talk about other things.

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Yeah, or traveling too.

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Many of you who are into English probably also like to travel.

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So I remember very fondly going to Europe with my wife

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because Europe is very enjoyable and there's a lot of beautiful buildings and lots of places to go and see.

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So it's a fun thing that you can do together.

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Yeah, I think that it could be something simple like hiking, even enjoying cooking meals together.

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We like to play games.

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So we like to play board games.

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We like to play disc golf, which is like throwing a frisbee together.

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We like to run around in the park together.

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We like these fun things.

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And something that the marriage counselor who I was watching that video about,

291

something that she mentioned is that sometimes after you've been with someone for a long time, your relationship tends to get.. more serious,

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not just serious as in you're going to stay together, but serious as in your demeanor.

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Demeanor means your face, your attitude.

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Your attitude becomes really serious because you're talking about daily life, your job, are you doing the dishes, who's cooking dinner, where's our baby,

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just factual things, not really fun things.

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She said it's really important to add fun into your life instead of just those kind of, okay, how much money do we have?

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Can we do this?

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Yeah.

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Those kinds of serious things.

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It's good to insert some fun into your life.

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If you have time.

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Yeah.

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It could even be something small, like listening to music together.

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Sure.

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Something that you can enjoy as a couple.

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Somebody asked, what's a board game or how to spell board game?

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B -O -A -R -D.

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Yes.

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Board game.

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It's a tabletop game, a game you play on the table.

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Yes.

312

Like cards or Monopoly.

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That's a perfect example.

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Yeah.

315

We don't really play

316

Monopoly, but there are lots of great board games.

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Maybe we should make a video of a board game sometime.

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Yeah, definitely.

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It could be a fun time.

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All right.

321

Let's go on to the next tip that you have.

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What's your next tip?

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So my next tip, mine are all negative.

324

It is don't make excuses or place blame.

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Now, sometimes you're going to do these things.

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Can you explain the word blame?

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Because that's kind of a complex word.

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If you place blame, which is B -L -A -M -E, that means you are saying to somebody else, it's your fault.

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You're pointing your finger.

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You did this.

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It's your problem.

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You, you, you.

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And not never yourself and don't make excuses would be

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if you do something wrong if you say something bad

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or you make a mistake

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if you make an excuse you're always saying something like well I I was tired

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or well uh I was really busy

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and I didn't have time to do this or that you know this is making excuses.

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It's coming up with reasons why you were bad or you didn't do things as good as you could.

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So if you do these things a lot, if you place blame or you make excuses very frequently,

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then your relationship will get not very enjoyable.

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Yeah.

343

We can even use the word crumble.

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Ooh, crumble.

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Crumble.

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We can imagine a cookie.

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When you break a cookie, it crumbles.

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It breaks into little pieces.

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So we can use this figuratively to say, oh, our relationship is crumbling.

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Yes, place blame.

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That's right.

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Somebody wrote place blame.

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Yes, don't place blame.

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And a lot of times you can get into blame games.

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Oh, this is a good idiom.

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Don't play the blame game.

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So a lot of times if you blame somebody, if you say, this is your fault.

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Why did you do this?

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Maybe they'll say, no, it's your fault.

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And they'll just go back and forth and back and forth.

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This is the blame game.

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It's not good.

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And I think that in this situation,

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this is an important time to have insight into yourself and insight into the other, your partner.

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The word insight, we can imagine in, inside, and sight.

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You're seeing into yourself.

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So, in this situation, let's take a concrete example.

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This is something that happens in our house.

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I'm sure it happens in your house too, the dishes.

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We actually just got a dishwasher, so it has been amazing.

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But if we had some dishes in the sink, maybe Dan thought that I was going to do them.

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I thought that

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Dan was going to do them.

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And then I say, oh, why didn't you do the dishes?

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Well, I'm blaming him.

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but also I don't have insight into why he didn't do them.

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So maybe I say, why didn't you do them?

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And he says, I'm too tired.

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I don't want to do them.

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I thought you were going to do them.

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Well, here I didn't realize, oh, he's tired.

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And he didn't realize that I thought he was going to do it.

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We don't have this spoken communication connection about who should do it.

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So this, I feel like this kind of blame can often be resolved with a couple deep breaths.

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Okay.

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It's just the dishes.

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This is small things.

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It's choosing your battles.

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This is a common expression that we use in relationships often with the word pick, pick your battles or choose your battles.

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This word B -A -T -T -L -E -S.

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What does it mean to say, pick your battles?

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Pick your battles means don't argue about everything.

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If you're going to get angry or frustrated, then choose.. something important, not lots of little problems.

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Yeah.

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We often call this nagging, N -A -G -G -I -N -G.

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Nagging.

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We can imagine the stereotypical, usually it's a woman, a stereotypical woman in a movie.

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The wife is saying, hey, pick up your clothes.

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Why didn't you do that?

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Oh, why are you still sleeping?

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Get out of bed, blah, blah, blah.

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This is nagging.

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Nobody likes nagging.

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No one wants to nag and no one wants to be nagged.

405

Yeah.

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And I think maybe an extra bit of advice.

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You said take a deep breath.

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This is a good idea.

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Take a deep breath.

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If you're feeling a little angry at your partner, before you say something, just breathe.

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Because, I mean, I know we look very happy all the time, but we get angry with each other, too.

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I promise you it happens.

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And I've had to learn, especially me me.

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Sometimes I get a little bit ...

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I have a temper.

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I can get angry.

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You can get upset sometimes.

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I can get angry sometimes.

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I think everybody can get upset sometimes.

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So I've had to learn to stop and take a little breath before I say something,

421

because when you're angry, you might say something really mean.

422

And if you say something really bad, your partner is going to remember that.

423

Yes.

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So you don't want to let a lot of those bad words build up over time.

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I think we're going to talk about this more with Dan's third tip about how to not let things build up.

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Build up means your anger is growing inside of you and you explode.

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In Dan's third tip, we're going to talk more about that.

428

But before we go on to my tip, I feel like not blaming,

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picking your battles, all of this deals with the category of emotional regulation.

430

This is kind of a fancy word.

431

I read this in one of the articles that I was reading about this topic,

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relationship advice, and I feel like it covers so many great things.

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Regulating yourself, am I just lashing out?

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Lashing out is like a whip with your words, lashing out, or am I being rational?

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Am I being thoughtful?

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Also, when someone else, if Dan criticizes me or if Dan says,

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hey, you said you were going to do the dishes and you didn't do them.

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Why didn't you do them?

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I need to have emotional regulation.

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Personally, I don't like it when people tell me what to do.

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I'm very stubborn.

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Maybe you're like this too.

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So in this situation, I need to feel okay with some uncomfortable feelings.

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When someone corrects me, I need to take a deep breath.

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Okay, I'll do it.

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And I can't just yell at him immediately.

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I need some emotional regulation.

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Somebody said I breathe every morning to control anger.

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Good idea.

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Words show.

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That's a good one.

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Breathe every day.

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Yes.

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Take some deep breaths.

455

And I think in this situation, making sure that you are not immediately getting upset at the other person and also not

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Not getting upset when people correct you.

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Yeah, meditation or yoga, that would probably help with the situation.

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And it's more difficult for some people than others.

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Yeah, definitely.

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I know I have more trouble with emotional regulation than Vanessa, which I think is a little unusual.

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Maybe the stereotype is that the woman is usually more emotional.

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Vanessa is a very steady person.

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It's amazing.

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We can use a great expression here, even keel.

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Even keeled, yes.

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This is E -V -E -N -K -E -E -L, even keeled.

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I think this refers to a boat, like a boat that's flat.

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It's not going one way or the other.

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If you are even keeled, it means that you're not swinging from emotion.

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Oh, I'm really angry.

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Happy, sir.

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Oh, I'm really happy.

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Yes.

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Or like you're instantly angry.

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You are even keeled.

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Yes, steady person is another way to put it steady.

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So you could say, I would like to marry someone who is even keeled

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or I need someone who's even keeled so that they will help me as well to manage myself.

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Yes.

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So let's, this really goes with my second tip.

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My second tip is quite specific and it is something that's helped us a lot, which is - Yes, even keel.

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Yes.

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K -E -E -L.

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Oh, great.

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Thank you for writing that in the live comments.

486

That's excellent.

487

My second tip is to delegate chores or specific tasks.

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A specific one.

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This is really specific, but I feel like for me, maybe for me as a woman, in my experience, usually ...

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This just, chores, chores means doing the dishes, tidying up, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floor, household things.

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This often is just what the wife does.

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If the wife doesn't want to do everything, it's so important to have a real conversation together about all topics,

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especially if this really bugs you.

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Bugs you means bothers you.

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If it's something that's really important to you, don't be afraid to have a conversation about it.

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So, Dan and I have done this.

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We continually do this to change our roles and to change our specific things that we're doing.

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But we say, okay, so I feel like I've been doing a lot of laundry and maybe the dishes haven't been done often.

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So, how can we make this more even?

500

And really this delegation, can you explain the word delegation or to delegate?

501

Delegate just means that you are choosing what the different things people are doing.

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And a lot of times if somebody is a delegator, like if Vanessa delegates, then she is telling everybody what to do.

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But if we're delegating together, we're both choosing what chores we want to do.

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And I would add to this that this definitely depends on your relationship.

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So in some relationship, the man works all day and the woman works at home.

506

In that sense, it makes perfect sense for the woman to do more chores.

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But in a lot of relationships nowadays, both the man and the woman work.

508

So you've got a lot of roles to do.

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Now you have to delegate because if the man and the woman are both working, then you need to decide.

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It's more important today to be on a good connection

511

because you have to choose who is doing what in the house

512

because it's not really fair if the man and the woman are working for the woman to still do all the chores.

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That ain't fair.

514

Yeah.

515

So in this situation, it's really worked well for us to say, okay, Dan always does the laundry.

516

And I, because we have a toddler, he's one and a half years old.

517

I feed our baby.

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I nurse our baby a lot still.

519

So this takes up a lot of my time.

520

So I, this is my job.

521

I feed, I nurse our toddler and Dan does the laundry.

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He has to go all the way to the basement.

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He has to wait in the middle of the night for the laundry to be finished.

524

This is a difficult task that I don't want to do and he can't nurse our babies.

525

We're saying delegate.

526

D -E -L -E -G -A -T -E.

527

Not delicate.

528

Yeah.

529

It doesn't have a C.

530

It has a G.

531

Delegate.

532

Yes.

533

You can also say negotiate.

534

We need to negotiate our roles.

535

Negotiate is, all right, I want to do this, but I don't really want to do this.

536

So you're deciding and you're giving and you're taking.

537

This is a lot of relationships as well.

538

You have to negotiate.

539

Yeah.

540

I think the general principle that we're talking about here is just good communication.

541

Do not expect your partner, your husband or your wife to read your mind mind.

542

This means reading your thoughts.

543

I've noticed that for me, I think this is maybe true.

544

I'm making a lot of generalizations here.

545

I think it's generally true that it's good to be clear and straightforward.

546

Straightforward means - Especially with a man.

547

.. very clear with your husband.

548

That if I beat around the bush, this means say something

549

And indirectly, sometimes

550

Dan doesn't get it.

551

So I need to be clear and say, oh, this is beating around the bush.

552

If I said, oh, I don't have any socks, that's beating around the bush.

553

Being clear is, have you done the laundry?

554

I need more socks.

555

This is very clear.

556

So, realizing that the other person cannot read your mind.

557

If I said, oh, I don't want anything for my birthday.

558

You don't need to buy me anything.

559

Okay.

560

Maybe he's going to believe that.

561

But really in my heart, I really want a present.

562

Just tell him, I would like a present.

563

Please find me something special from your heart.

564

Yes.

565

Although on the flip side, if you're a guy, it's better if you know these things already.

566

But I'm saying as a couple, it's good to be clear and straightforward.

567

I think more for things you want in daily life.

568

Yeah.

569

Not gifts.

570

You know, like doing the laundry.

571

It's better to just say, hey, I need the laundry done soon.

572

Yeah.

573

Please.

574

Sure.

575

Or to just be on top of it.

576

That's more direct.

577

Yes.

578

So let's go on.

579

We said to delegate some chores, delegate some tasks.

580

Recently, we just booked a special vacation and

581

Dan booked our rental car and I booked the places where we're going to stay.

582

Oh yes.

583

We delegated because I said, I don't want to plan the vacation, all of the travel details,

584

where we're going, because I was a little nervous about that.

585

But I said, I'll plan the transportation.

586

I'll do the car and where we're going and the driving and that kind of thing.

587

I'm cool with that.

588

I planned where we're going to stay and Dan planned the car.

589

And this for me, it split, it divided the work.

590

I didn't need to do everything.

591

Dan didn't need to do everything, but we both did.

592

We negotiated some kind of equal thing with each other, which is something I really appreciate about a relationship.

593

All right.

594

We are going a little bit long here.

595

So let's go on to the last one, the third tip, which is very specific as well.

596

It's something that I think, I don't know many other couples who do this, but I think it's something that's really worked well for us.

597

So what is your third, Your third tip, our fifth tip together, our final tip for a healthy ...

598

My final tip for a good and strong relationship is to check in regularly.

599

Check in.

600

We have check in.

601

A wonderful phrasal verb.

602

Yes.

603

Check in.

604

This means that you are planning a day or a date where you are going to talk about important things,

605

or you're going to plan a conversation.

606

Yes.

607

So if you check in with each other, maybe you ask, how are you feeling?

608

How are you feeling about - Your week.

609

.. the school our kid is going to, or how do you feel about ...

610

Yeah, how do you feel about the week?

611

How was your week last week?

612

You're checking in.

613

Yes.

614

And this is ...

615

Check in can mean a lot of different things.

616

A lot of times if you see check in,

617

it just means that you are going to a hotel and they're going to write you in to the hotel.

618

I'm going to check into the hotel at 10 AM.

619

But here we're talking about emotionally.

620

But if you emotionally check in with each other, or it might not even be emotional.

621

It could be the kind of things you're doing in the week.

622

Maybe a little more pragmatic.

623

So the specific way that this plays out, plays out is another phrasal verb,

624

that this goes in our relationship is we have meetings once a week, every Sunday, when our baby,

625

our toddler, our child is taking a nap.

626

We have an organized meeting.

627

We call it a meeting.

628

It's not really a meeting.

629

It's organized.

630

And I think that sometimes a date, you just eat together and talk together about anything.

631

But I really appreciate that it's organized because we were We're talking about before, letting your anger build up.

632

This is a terrible thing for you.

633

It's terrible for your relationship, but I know every Sunday we are going to have a meeting.

634

So if there's something big that I want to talk about, I can talk about it on ...

635

Of course I can talk about it at that moment if I wanted to.

636

Would you say check in is analyze?

637

Somebody asked.

638

Oh, we could analyze our week.

639

If we're checking in.

640

Checking in with each other.

641

It could have some analyzation.

642

Analyzation?

643

Where you can analyze each other a little bit.

644

Or analyze your week.

645

Yeah.

646

It's more just a time to really ...

647

It's where you say it's okay to talk about maybe the problems of the week or how you felt.

648

Yeah.

649

So for example, in our check -in time, in our meeting, we always rate the week.

650

One to five.

651

Let's talk about how do we start.

652

So on Sunday, our child takes a nap.

653

We usually drink some tea or coffee and we sit down at the dinner table.

654

And what's the first thing that we do?

655

This is just what we create.

656

This is what we do.

657

Yeah.

658

So first we try to say two things that we appreciate about each other.

659

Something very specific.

660

We try to say something nice about each other.

661

Because often maybe there's some kind of criticism.

662

Oh, I was really upset because you didn't do the laundry for three days.

663

You know, there can be some things that are a little bit difficult that we talk about.

664

So it's always good to start with something positive.

665

So for us, we say, I appreciate that you made an amazing dinner last night.

666

And I also was really thankful that you took our car to the mechanic to get the oil changed.

667

Okay.

668

Simple, clear, very specific.

669

And for me, it feels - Women like this a lot.

670

It feels really good.

671

It feels really good because I know that I do a lot of things and I know that

672

Dan doesn't need to say thank you for picking up our baby's toys.

673

Thank you for doing this.

674

He doesn't need to say thank you for everything.

675

I appreciate this.

676

Yeah, you don't go through everything.

677

Just choose two specific things.

678

So it makes me feel good.

679

I really appreciated that you watched Theo.

680

Theo's our baby.

681

I appreciate you watched Theo for two hours while I went to a movie.

682

While I exercise.

683

Wow, that was really great of you.

684

Yeah, and it feels good to be appreciated.

685

So this is what we do at the very beginning.

686

And then what happens next?

687

Then we rank our week, right?

688

So one to five, how was our week?

689

Oh, my week was a 3 .5. And why?

690

What happened?

691

Yeah, well, blah, blah, blah.

692

You go over like what you liked about the week, what you didn't like, how it could be better, right?

693

So if you do this every week, then you're kind of, you're checking in with each other.

694

And then you're thinking, well, what could make the next week a little better?

695

Yeah.

696

And you used a great phrasal verb here.

697

You go over the week and go over doesn't mean literally over.

698

Here it means you're just discussing.

699

You're going in detail about the week.

700

I rate this past week a 3 .8 because this happened, but also this happened.

701

And it helps you to kind of review the week.

702

And then if something made you feel negative, it's a good time to say, oh, but I didn't sleep enough.

703

I felt so tired all week.

704

So maybe this week I'm going to try to do something better.

705

And that's kind of the next part is we talk about the details of next week, here's our plans.

706

Next week, I'm going to try to go to bed at this time and I have a lot of work to do.

707

So I'm going to try to do it in the morning.

708

How can we work together?

709

It's like a meeting.

710

I feel like it's like a meeting.

711

It's pretty organized.

712

And again, another one more disclaimer is this is very important for us.

713

Yeah.

714

Because we have a very open schedule.

715

Yeah.

716

We don't have traditional jobs, right?

717

So if you don't have a traditional job, if you're an entrepreneur, if you spend a lot of time working together,

718

Like we have to work together.

719

A lot. For everything.

720

We're almost like business partners, really.

721

So it's important to do this.

722

Some other people, I think you could do this maybe once a month

723

because maybe the man is working here and the woman's working here and they're a little more separate.

724

You know, that's okay too.

725

You don't have to do everything together.

726

Yeah.

727

Something that we often do during this meeting, we've missed a little bit, but for about three, maybe four years,

728

once a month during that meeting, we keep track of our budget.

729

And I know that money fights are often the biggest problems in relationships.

730

You should talk about money.

731

If you're married, you got to talk about money.

732

So something that has been good for us is we have an Excel spreadsheet.

733

This is quite detailed into our personal life, but we have an Excel spreadsheet and at the end of the month,

734

we look at our bank account.

735

Okay, here's a grocery store purchase and we put it in the Excel spreadsheet and we add up, we spent this much money for groceries.

736

We add up, we spent this much money for car gas.

737

And when you can look at the numbers, it helps you together to see the facts.

738

It's not me being upset because we spent too much money, Dan being upset because I bought something.

739

No, we just see the facts.

740

And this would be a situation where you can't blame or make excuses.

741

Yeah, because there's the facts.

742

So I feel like for me, I love to save money.

743

Dan does not spend very much money, but he doesn't - I spend more money than you.

744

He spends a little bit more than me.

745

We're quite similar that we don't spend a lot of money.

746

But for me, it feels so nice to see our money on a paper and to know, okay, we can, it gives me permission to ...

747

We can go out to a restaurant.

748

It's fine.

749

It gives me permission to relax a little bit.

750

Or maybe for you, if your finances are tight ...

751

I talked about this in a recent YouTube video about learning English for free.

752

You can know, okay, maybe we need to not go out to a restaurant.

753

If one of you, your husband or your wife, spends a lot of money,

754

this is a good way to be clear and honest in your relationship

755

and look at your finances together I know that a lot of people don't do this and that when they do this, it gives so much

756

relaxation and it relieves so much stress

757

because usually one person in your relationship feels more stress about money than the other person.

758

It's really nice to be on the same page.

759

This is a great expression.

760

You are on the same, like a piece of paper, on the same page.

761

We're on the same page.

762

Yes.

763

We agree.

764

Yes.

765

That's basically what it means.

766

It just means you both agree.

767

I want to be on the same page with you, so let's check in with each other once a week.

768

Let's do some fun activity together.

769

Let's go hiking together and try to have fun and relieve our stresses.

770

Yes.

771

So these are our general tips.

772

These are our tips.

773

And I would just say, remember number one.

774

That's the most important.

775

Make sure you're a good fit in the relationship with the right person because Let's say you want to talk about money.

776

It's going to be very hard to talk about money with somebody who is irresponsible with money.

777

You have to make sure the person you're getting in a relationship with is already good with money.

778

Otherwise, it's going to be even more challenging.

779

But that to say, it's not impossible.

780

You might be in a relationship with somebody who's not good with money.

781

You can still work something out.

782

Yeah.

783

I think that something for us, if we have, let's imagine hypothetically that I'm really bad with money and Dan is really good with money.

784

If Dan is really concerned about this, it's probably a problem anyway, but if Dan is concerned about it,

785

he can't, maybe I'm looking at my phone.

786

He can't say to me all of a sudden, Hey, why, why did we have this purchase?

787

What are you doing?

788

I'm not in the right mindset to discuss this.

789

I feel like something that's worked for us, when there's a problem that's really important to one of us, saying, Hey, when you have a moment,

790

can we talk about something really important?

791

Or, I saw this purchase here and it's really important to me that we talk about it. Be serious.

792

It's important to you.

793

So don't just have ...

794

Make sure you have emotional regulation.

795

Don't just explode about it, but say, hey, this is really important.

796

Can we talk about it?

797

And look at each other's eyes, look at each other and say, hey, this is really important to me.

798

Can we please go through our finances?

799

Let's go through our bank account and make a list and see how much we're spending.

800

This would really be important to me.

801

Try to appeal to their care for you.

802

Dan cares for me.

803

I care for him.

804

So if he says, this is so important to me, let's please talk about it.

805

Of course, I want

806

Dan to be not stressed.

807

So when you take the time to talk about something important like that, it means so much more.

808

If he just said, hey, what are you doing?

809

And then I'm doing something else.

810

It's just going to create an argument because my mind is not there.

811

Dan's emotional regulation is everywhere.

812

So taking a moment, can we really talk about this?

813

This is so important to me.

814

Or can we talk about this later?

815

Yeah.

816

That can help too.

817

You don't want to talk, you don't want to bring up stuff in the moment all of the sudden.

818

That really helps.

819

Somebody said they're confused about which number we're on.

820

I don't think we've been very organized.

821

Sorry, everybody.

822

Dan wrote three tips.

823

I wrote two tips.

824

So we had one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip, one tip.

825

So Dan has three.

826

I know I said we have five tips.

827

There's five total.

828

We've been adding a lot of stuff.

829

Yes.

830

We are talking about now the conclusion.

831

The reason why I wanted to talk about this kind of unusual topic today, giving just our personal relationship advice, is for two reasons.

832

Number one, Valentine's Day is coming quite soon.

833

You might be preparing for your relationship, something for your relationship, maybe thinking about relationships a little bit more.

834

Valentine's Day is coming up in February.

835

And number two is in our monthly English course, the Fearless Fluency Club.

836

We have a special lesson set in February.

837

And this is where I interview a therapist.

838

And she's not a relationship therapist.

839

She is an eating disorder therapist.

840

Very different.

841

But she is a therapist and she deals with people who are coming to her with problems.

842

And so I kind of wanted to imitate that a little bit.

843

So what I'd like to do now is I would like to share my screen with you to show you

844

if you would like to continue to learn with us, if you would like to continue this idea of deepening your English through real English conversations.

845

Yes, and in a more organized fashion.

846

This is more a casual conversation - This is a casual chit chat.

847

.. we're having with you today.

848

Yes.

849

So I would like to share my screen with you to show you.

850

Let's take a look here here, you can see this is our Fearless Fluency Club page where you can click the link in the description

851

and join our course.

852

You can find out much more information about each of the lessons here.

853

What I like to do is give you a little sneak preview into the February lesson set.

854

Here you can see February 2019.

855

We have each month, there is a special ...

856

This is a course guide in general for how to use the course.

857

This is a monthly lesson set guide.

858

We're going to be talking about therapy with Elaine.

859

Elaine is a professional counselor or therapist.

860

In this lesson set, we talk about a lot of vocabulary that she used in our conversation.

861

Hey, look, there's Blaine.

862

Oh, we talked about Blaine.

863

Wonderful.

864

Oh, you're already ahead of the game.

865

And then we talk about grammar.

866

Oh, we're going to be talking about really, so, too, these kind of intensifiers, add all.

867

I noticed we used add all in our conversation, actually.

868

And then we talk about some specific pronunciation.

869

So let's take a look.

870

Here you can see the vocabulary lesson with Dan and I.

871

There's two parts to this vocabulary lesson.

872

The grammar lesson, where I explain these important expressions for intensifying your conversation.

873

There's an MP3.

874

You can download it.

875

Also, the transcript of the full lesson so that you can follow word for word.

876

This is helpful for everyone, but it's especially helpful if you are maybe a high beginner,

877

low intermediate, because it's good to catch every single word.

878

Then we have the pronunciation lesson so you can learn some specific pronunciation tips.

879

If you have watched any of my pronunciation lessons here on YouTube, this lesson is quite similar.

880

We shadow and repeat and practice individual sounds.

881

Then we have this special conversation with my friend

882

Elaine, who is an eating disorder therapist.

883

She talks about going to therapy, this process of helping people with something that's really personal,

884

really personal, and sharing that with a stranger and how she helps people, especially she helps young people in her field.

885

But she goes through this and talks about it in detail.

886

It's quite interesting to see the insight into her job.

887

And then in the course, we have this story.

888

The story is a unique thing here.

889

We have different audio recordings of the story story.

890

This is a combination of all the vocabulary, grammar, pronunciation, plus some extra vocabulary from the full lesson set.

891

This is about going to therapy.

892

It's kind of a fiction story, but you can use and see all of the vocabulary in a different context.

893

I hope that this will help to just add to your knowledge of the vocabulary

894

and grammar and see it in a different context.

895

There are questions so you can practice answering questions.

896

It's kind of a controlled speaking practice and also different verb tenses so that you can practice different verb tenses.

897

All right.

898

I'm going to bring back our video here.

899

So if you would like to join us monthly in the Fearless Fluency Club and practice these conversations together with us,

900

You are welcome to join the Fearless Fluency Club now in January or in February.

901

If you join in January, you'll get the January lesson set immediately.

902

Then in the month of February, February 1st, you'll get access to this special lesson set with Elaine.

903

It is $35 per month, but please use the coupon code NEW.

904

If you use the coupon code NEW, N -E -W, you only get it for $5.

905

$5.

906

You have a $30 discount, which is great for the first month.

907

Try the course.

908

You pay $5.

909

If you don't like it, cancel if it's a good fit for you.

910

You can continue in the course and your English will grow day by day.

911

You're welcome to join us.

912

Many members speak together on Skype and Google Hangouts weekly, daily.

913

They practice speaking together.

914

This is a great way to meet friends from around the world.

915

And also you're not paying for expensive Skype lessons.

916

Instead, you're speaking with other people who are also learning, who are like you.

917

It's a community.

918

Yeah, so you can feel comfortable speaking with them.

919

And at the end of each month, we have a group Google Hangout with me.

920

So you'll be able to chat with me in this group Google Hangout.

921

It's super fun.

922

We have a good time together

923

and you get just a chance to meet each other and also meet me and practice speaking a bit.

924

So thank you so much for joining me.

925

I want to know in the comments, what is your number one relationship tips?

926

Share your tips.

927

Tell us.

928

How can we have a better relationship?

929

Yes.

930

Of course, we are always open to expanding and growing and strengthening our relationship, but also for other people.

931

It's interesting to see what worked for you, maybe what didn't work for you.

932

Give us some things not to do.

933

I hope that this lesson has been useful to you

934

and we'll see you again next Friday for a new lesson here on my YouTube channel.

935

I'll see you again the next time.

936

Bye, everybody.

937

Bye.

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Лексика и советы по произношению к этому уроку

Этот урок разговорной практики построен на видео «LIVE: English Conversation Lesson: Relationships!». Чаще всего повторяются слова: Dan, Vanessa, relationship, tip. В этом видео 775 предложений и 8746 слов для шедоуинга. Речь длится 49:36. Говорящий говорит в естественном темпе, около 176 слов в минуту, близком к повседневной речи. 86% слов входят в 3000 самых частых слов английского языка; остальные стоит разобрать перед занятием.

Ключевая лексика этого видео

15 слов из видео, которые стоит выучить, с произношением и значением:

Слово	Произношение	Значение
lesson существительное	/ˈlɛs.ən/	уро́к, ле́кция
vocabulary существительное	/vəˈkæb.jə.lə.ɹi/	слова́рь, слова́рный запа́с
delegate существительное	/ˈdɛlɪɡət/	делега́т, делега́тка
dish существительное	/dɪʃ/	таре́лка, ми́ска
laundry существительное	/ˈlɔːn.dɹi/	сти́рка
rush глагол	/ɹʌʃ/	спеши́ть, поспеши́ть
therapist существительное	/ˈθɛɹəpɪst/	терапе́вт, врач
regulation существительное	/ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/	уста́в, пра́вило
insight существительное	/ˈɪnsaɪ̯t/	интроспе́кция, инса́йт
grain существительное	/ɡɹeɪn/	зерно́, жи́то
grammar существительное	/ˈɡɹæm.ə(ɹ)/	грамма́тика
negotiate глагол	/nəˈɡəʊ.ʃi.eɪt/	вести́ перегово́ры, провести́ перегово́ры
analyze глагол	/ˈæn.əˌlaɪz/	анализи́ровать, проанализи́ровать
verb существительное	/vɝb/	глаго́л
pronunciation существительное	/pɹəˌnʌn.siˈeɪ.ʃən/	произноше́ние, вы́говор

Фразовые глаголы, которые вы услышите

Слово	Значение
build up глагол	накапливаться, скапливаться
go over глагол	хорошо́ принима́ться
come up глагол	поднима́ться, подня́ться
find out глагол	узнава́ть, узна́ть
pick up глагол	подбира́ть, подобра́ть
bring up глагол	воспи́тывать, воспита́ть
come up with глагол	придумывать, приходить в голову
get along глагол	ла́дить, ужива́ться

Фразы, которые стоит повторять

Короткие законченные фразы из видео, которые пригодятся в повседневном разговоре:

When did we meet each other?
I'm curious, can we talk about that first expression?
After dating, we didn't live together for four years?
Why didn't you do that?
What's the first thing that we do?

Грамматика в этом видео

Конструкции, которые говорящий использует чаще всего, с точными словами из видео:

Конструкция	В видео
Present Perfect Continuous have/has been + -ing — действие началось раньше и продолжается	I've been doing · We've been adding
Условные предложения if + предложение, will/would + глагол — условие и его результат	If you join in January, you'll get
Present Perfect have/has + причастие прошедшего времени — прошлое действие, важное сейчас	have we been · We've been · we've known
Придаточные определительные who / which + предложение — уточнение о человеке или предмете	college, which is · people who have · prevention, which means

Произношение, на которое стоит обратить внимание

Говорящий использует 234 сокращённых и редуцированных форм, например you're, don't, we're. Произносите их коротко, так, как слышите.

Звуки «th»: therapist /ˈθɛɹəpɪst/, breathe /bɹiːð/, strengthen /ˈstɹɛŋ(k)θən/, thankful /ˈθæŋkfəl/, thoughtful /ˈθɔːtfəl/
Звуки «sh» и «zh»: dish /dɪʃ/, rush /ɹʌʃ/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, negotiate /nəˈɡəʊ.ʃi.eɪt/, pronunciation /pɹəˌnʌn.siˈeɪ.ʃən/
Длинные слова — следите за ударением: vocabulary /vəˈkæb.jə.lə.ɹi/, regulation /ˌɹɛɡjʊˈleɪʃən/, negotiate /nəˈɡəʊ.ʃi.eɪt/, pronunciation /pɹəˌnʌn.siˈeɪ.ʃən/, unusual /ʌnˈjuːʒ(u)əl/

Звуки, трудные для русскоязычных:

/w/ — губы округлены, это не /v/: straightforward /ˌstɹeɪtˈfɔː(ɹ)wə(ɹ)d/, swing /ˈswɪŋ/, quantity /ˈkwɑn(t)ɪti/, whip /ˈwɪp/, sweep /swiːp/
/h/ — лёгкий выдох, а не русское «х»: helpful /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/, hike /haɪk/, hockey /ˈhɑ.ki/, household /ˈhaʊshoʊld/, humble /ˈhʌmbəl/
Звонкие согласные в конце слова — не оглушайте их: analyze /ˈæn.əˌlaɪz/, verb /vɝb/, straightforward /ˌstɹeɪtˈfɔː(ɹ)wə(ɹ)d/, bug /bʌɡ/, explode /ɪkˈsploʊd/

Как заниматься с этим видео

Прослушайте всё видео один раз молча и выпишите незнакомые слова.
Начните со скорости 0,75×, повторяйте предложение за предложением и вернитесь к обычной скорости, когда станет легко.
Запишите себя и сравните с оригиналом, обращая внимание на такие слова, как lesson, vocabulary, delegate.

Что такое техника Shadowing?

Shadowing — это научно обоснованная техника изучения языка, изначально разработанная для подготовки профессиональных переводчиков и популяризированная полиглотом доктором Александром Аргуэльесом. Метод прост, но эффективен: вы слушаете аудио на английском от носителей языка и немедленно повторяете вслух — как тень, следующая за говорящим с задержкой в 1–2 секунды. В отличие от пассивного прослушивания или грамматических упражнений, Shadowing заставляет мозг и мышцы рта одновременно обрабатывать и воспроизводить реальные речевые паттерны. Исследования показывают, что это значительно улучшает точность произношения, интонацию, ритм, связную речь, понимание на слух и беглость речи — что делает его одним из самых эффективных методов для подготовки к IELTS Speaking и реального общения на английском.

Техника шедоуинга: читать полное пошаговое руководство →

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