Shadowing Practice: Why Every Couple Struggles With Closeness and Distance - Learn English Speaking with Video
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In the life of every couple and individual lies a tension between two central and contrasting needs.
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The need for togetherness on the one hand and for separateness on the other.
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We all want at one level a lot of togetherness.
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We want to merge bodies, to sleep tightly entwined, to share every moment, to break down the barrier between I and you,
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to get back to what we all had at the start, complete union with someone else.
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But at another level we also very much want and need separateness.
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We have to maintain our integrity.
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We need time to think alone.
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We have to be ready to meet the obstacles and challenges of our working lives unaided.
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We want to get on with our projects and friendships.
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If we try to represent these two contrasting wishes with a motoring metaphor,
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we might say that there is in every love story an accelerator that points to togetherness and a brake that creates distance.
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We might also say that whenever a couple gets into trouble, it's in some way because the accelerator and brake functions have proved difficult.
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There is a muddle, there is exaggeration, no one is speaking about who is doing what and how.
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Ideally, both people can toggle gently and adroitly between brake and accelerator.
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They discuss, consciously and with kindness, their wishes for space and closeness.
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A period of intense togetherness can be followed, gracefully, by some distance.
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They can say, after a night of lovemaking and chat, let's spend tomorrow apart.
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They don't turn their fear of abandonment into a terror of persecution.
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They aren't so embarrassed about their need for separateness or afraid of the other's anger that they lapse into evasion or silence.
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But sadly, too often, things come very unstuck around brakes and accelerators.
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One person can't ever use the brake gently.
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They jerkily put an ocean between themselves and the partner that panics the other, who slams the accelerator in turn.
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One person has to carry all the yearning and need.
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The other gets to seem indifferent and aloof.
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One person is very, very hungry.
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The other person has to be in an anorexic fast, which is unfair on both of them.
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One person carries a fear that the moment they so much whisper that they need a bit of space, they'll set off fury in their partner.
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They can't find a way to admit to the humble, key and serene truth.
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They both, without being sadistic, need togetherness and separateness.
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At times, the wish for separateness can manifest itself in affairs or manic use of pornography or alcohol.
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Rather than being able to say, and before that to think, I'm in danger of being overwhelmed, the person acts out their wish for distance in a pain -inducing form.
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They start to message an ex.
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They use work as an excuse to spend a long time out of the house.
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They develop an obsession with sailing or fishing.
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Their symptoms jump into their bodies.
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They become unable to sleep anywhere near their partner.
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They can't orgasm with them.
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Sound use of brakes and accelerators is something that we should, if things go well, learn in childhood.
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It begins with mothers.
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They are initially entirely merged, quite literally, with their offspring.
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It's an enormous effort for them to give birth and then to let go, to let the child have its own wishes, its own preferences, its own moods,
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to allow the child to be separate without persecuting it.
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How tempting to hold the child too tightly or exile them.
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For their part, small children don't make any of this easy.
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They natively press the accelerator very hard.
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They may want to marry mummy.
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They want to spend all their time with daddy.
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They refuse to go to school.
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They don't want a sibling.
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It takes a lot of gentle, kindly care to help the child to find their way to separateness without too much humiliation or fear.
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A co -parent, who may or may not be dad, can be helpful.
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Humour comes in handy one might call jokes the perfect way to handle the tension between accelerator and brake.
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In adult life, the opposite of braking and accelerating willy -nilly is thinking.
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If we can think about all of this, we're spared the drama of having to act rashly or obscurely.
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We can say with love, I think we might both need some space after last night, or I think we need to see each other before we both get scared.
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The couple can get close and then take distance without becoming daunted or mean.
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The couple can laugh about how tricky it is to get text messaging or sleeping arrangements right.
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They learn how to drive without careering the car of love off the road.
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Vocabulary and speaking notes for this lesson
This video has 59 sentences and 805 words to shadow. The speech runs for 4:50. The speaker talks at a natural 167 words per minute, close to everyday conversation. Only 81% of the words are among the 3,000 most common in English, so the vocabulary is demanding.
Key vocabulary in this video
15 less common words from the video, with pronunciation and meaning:
- brake /bɹeɪk/ (noun) — A device used to slow or stop the motion of a wheel, or of a vehicle, usually by friction (although other resistive forces, such as electromagnetic fields or…
- contrast /kənˈt(ʃ)ɹæst/ (noun) — The degree of this difference.
- tension /ˈtɛnʃən/ (noun) — The condition of being held in a state between two or more forces, which are acting in opposition to each other.
- gently /ˈd͡ʒɛntli/ (adverb) — Without strong force or quickness: softly, lightly.
- tightly /ˈtaɪtli/ (adverb) — In a tight manner.
- merge /mɝd͡ʒ/ (verb) — To combine into a whole.
- silence /ˈsaɪ̯ləns/ (noun) — The absence of any sound.
- hungry /ˈhʌŋ.ɡɹi/ (adjective) — Affected by hunger; having the physical need for food.
- mood /muːd/ (noun) — A mental or emotional state, composure.
- helpful /ˈhɛlp.fl̩/ (adjective) — Furnishing help; giving aid; useful.
- anger /ˈæŋɡə/ (noun) — A strong and unpleasant feeling of displeasure, hostility, or antagonism, usually combined with an urge to yell, curse, damage or destroy things, or harm…
- marry /ˈmæɹi/ (verb) — To enter into the conjugal or connubial state; to take a husband or a wife.
- friendship /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/ (noun) — The condition of being friends.
- intense /ɪnˈtɛns/ (adjective) — Of a characteristic: extreme or very high or strong in degree; severe; also, excessive, towering.
- refuse /ɹɪˈfjuːz/ (verb) — To decline (a request or demand).
Phrasal verbs you will hear
- act out /ˌækt ˈaʊ̯t/ (verb) — To perform something specific.
- break down (verb) — To stop functioning.
- come in /ˌkʌm ˈɪn/ (verb) — To enter.
- get back to (verb) — Return to (an activity)
- get into (verb) — To move into (an object), such that one ends up inside it.
- get on with (verb) — To proceed with; to begin or continue, especially after an interruption.
- set off (verb) — To leave; to set out; to begin a journey or trip.
- think about /ˈθɪŋk əˌbaʊt/ (verb) — To ponder.
Pronunciation to watch
The speaker uses 10 contractions and reduced forms, such as can't, don't, aren't. Say them the short way, as you hear them.
- The “sh” and “zh” sounds: contrast /kənˈt(ʃ)ɹæst/, tension /ˈtɛnʃən/, friendship /ˈfɹɛn(d)ʃɪp/, obsession /əbˈsɛʃən/, persecution /ˌpɝsəˈkjuʃən/
- Long words — get the stress right: integrity /ɪnˈtɛɡɹəti/, ideally /aɪˈdi.ə.li/, persecution /ˌpɝsəˈkjuʃən/, accelerate /ɪkˈsɛl.əˌɹeɪt/, pornography /pɔɹˈnɑ.ɡɹə.fi/
How to practise with this video
- Listen to the whole video once without speaking and note the words you do not know.
- Start at 0.75× speed, shadow it sentence by sentence, then go back to normal speed once it feels easy.
- Record yourself and compare with the original, paying attention to words like brake, contrast, tension.
What is the Shadowing Technique?
Shadowing is a science-backed language learning technique originally developed for professional interpreter training and popularized by polyglot Dr. Alexander Arguelles. The method is simple but powerful: you listen to native English audio and immediately repeat it out loud — like a shadow following the speaker with just a 1–2 second delay. Unlike passive listening or grammar drills, shadowing forces your brain and mouth muscles to simultaneously process and reproduce real speech patterns. Research shows it significantly improves pronunciation accuracy, intonation, rhythm, connected speech, listening comprehension, and speaking fluency — making it one of the most effective methods for IELTS Speaking preparation and real-world English communication.